I decided I wanted to have an actual breakthrough, Ive smoked probably about 15 times, always low doses, about 20mg or less, but this time I really hit it hard, it wasnt so much the amount but usually Im unable to take a big hit, I loaded about 40mg and took one massive hit in the water bong, even though i didn't vape it all, I knew Id inhaled far more than usual. I think it was more the fact I inhaled all in one hit than anything, and Im less than 5 feet tall plus Ive dieted this week and lost a few pounds, I aught to have taken that into consideration. I guess I was swayed by terrence mckennas "take the third hit" and I hadnt realised that just one blast of a good size was going to be so knock out. I thought I had been carefully working myself up to it, but Ive had my arse kicked.
What happened next was confusing and Ive barely any memory of it, I had no such breakthrough experience, other than complete void, even with my eyes open everything dissapeared, If I can pull any vague memory back, Im quite sure I was on a table somewhere. I experienced total ego loss, and it wasnt pretty or sublime, I forgot who I was, or where I was, it was just eternity and a whole lot of confusion, after a little while, minutes or years Im not sure, I remembered I had a body and I needed to look after it, I remembered there was something I was supposed to do. What was it I was supposed to do? "Not die for christ's sakes" said a voice "your not suppposed to die!"
I couldn't for the life of me figure out how I was supposed to keep the body working.
Then the something (myself?) was saying "BREATHE BREATHE" but there was eons between each breath I was quite sure the body was dying and I had no perception of its suffering at all. I realized I had lain on the floor, and I crawled, I made the body crawl and tried to put life in it, and I breathed and breathed, and I realized I was saying over and over "come back come back come back" I focused all my attention onto the breathing and the words to come back to the living room, and slowly it came back into focus, though I still wasn't aware of what objects I was looking at. I still didn't know who I was, or what was happening, and the living room felt like a place I left behind thousands of years ago, it was a tiny room floating in space that I managed to get back to. Then just as I was quite sure I was breathing and moving, and realized I couldn't tell the difference between imagining I was breathing and actually breathing.
I got up and went into the kitchen to put the kettle on, even moving around I wasnt entirely sure I was alive or dead, but I actually poured a cup of a tea and sat down with it in entirely normal fashion, I still wasn't sure of anything, but I was beginning to feel Id won the battle to come back. I sat back on the floor and said aloud " I went to deep and I'm sorry" I was apologizing to myself. The tea brought me round immensley, and I was rewarded with another wave of experience, that was not too deep, which was on the edge of my understanding, I dipped back into the world I just left, and this time my ego fell away and was replaced with a feeling of immense age, I was sure I was an old grandmother, ancient and perhaps eternal, in the north, in snow, northern lights, space, and I began to wail outloud, in some kind of shaman song. I was actually old and singing to the trees and nature spirits in a forest. When the thought occured to me I was a young woman , not an old one, with no children, the thought was absured, and I didnt even want to be young again, I was happy being ancient.
The trance ended, and out of fear Id made enough noise to worry the neighbors, I cleared everything away quick. I cant say either experience gave me a profound understanding, or even shock, I knew i was terrified when I thought I was dying , but the experience left me so much quicker than usual that I barely feel it happened at all.
Yet it did happen, and now Im left with the notion that I have a limit to how deep I can go, or that Im not strong enough to break through, I simply loose myself completey. It would be irresponsible for me to hit myself that hard again, I guess I shouldnt let myself be swayed by media ive listened to on breaking through, though its my personal responsibilty to know my own limits, I think I just found it.

that's quite scary, I know you probably just posted this right after but you should reorganize that wall of text hehehee

Hey samphire,

with dmt this kind of thing happens quite a bit. Some experiences are total black-outs, others you remember hyper-clearly, and to me it's not entirely clear where the images we see or the things we experience come from.

I agree that there is really no need to push yourself over your own limits just because of what other travelers have told you, but I am also quite sure that at some point you'll be curious enough to try again and see what this vast and inexplicable experience holds in store beyond what you have experienced now. And at least from my experience, no two dmt experiences are the same. Very few are even alike...

So when you're ready you'll know. Until then, go at your own pace

That is pretty amazing. I have felt like you before, so terrified and confused. It came on so fast and I, like you, lost all my ego in about 3 seconds. This shock is too immense for ANYONE (ime)to handle. It takes a couple of break throughs and sub breakthroughs just to almost become comfortable with dmt. I'd recommend to have maybe 25 mg and try to hit it all and get a nice inhalation. That may also be too scary. Unfortunately you won't know until your there, but you could start lower like me and then raise it slowly. If you are truly terrified you have gone past your current limit. But I have faith in you that if you choose to keep this up, you may one day be able to handle such intense experiences. You learn so much so fast.

I too have let TMK get me in trouble. (High elvin voice): "Just when you think you've had enough, take one more!"... And that's how I once took in 75 mg and then was essentially tied to the car and dragged for seven minutes. Never went that high again, but I still like to go deep. It's just comforting knowing ahead of time that, regardless of what the experience has to throw at you, at least the dosage is inside your tolerance.

There isn't yet any established metric for body weight vs dosage... Soo many variables. For all we know it could me more about brain tissue weight than body weight... Nonetheless, at your size, 40mg could be equivalent to 50 or more for someone like me (which is definitely too much IMO).

However, I'll bet you have a more favorable recall of this experience once you've integrated it a bit. Some heavy yet cool stuff there. Curious to hear how you feel about it all after some weeks have passed.

Lol, yes sorry for the big block of text, it was immediately afterwards
Ive had time to think about and integrate the experience now, and I think really you dont know how much enough is until you overstep the mark. also the feeling of dying because you cant make your body breathe seems to be quite common. It felt like when you go shopping and realize you left the iron on at home, and racing back thinking you burned the house down. I totally forgot I had a body at all and by the time I realized I was even a life form and supposed to have a body, I was certain Id left it too late to breathe life back into it. And even when I did, I could not be certain I was, or just imagining the breathing.
I think in reality I was breathing deeply and fine,its a shame I didn't film the trip to make sure. I even made tea and later cut a cling-on off the cats fluffy arse.
But during the worst of it, I was forcing myself to move and crawl, part of me thought I was still inhaling the bong and I kept telling myself to put it down, when in reality, Id dropped it some time ago. Ive never been so overwhelmed with visuals before that the room did not make sense. It was strange feeling like an old woman though, I felt like that's who I truly was , or used to be, or will be. perhaps it was the eternal femenine spirit in its ancient grandmother form, or baba yaga. Its a shame I was so cooked I brought very little back from the trip
Anyway , in summary, I fell off the horse, I will get back on it, with a much healthier respect for my limits, and Im not going to try to throw myself into the void imagining that I will land on that 'feather bed' on the otherside.

Timothy Leary said, "trust your nervous system". i.e. your body will remember to breath even if you can't. I experience the same absence of breathing when I smoke DMT, but I think it is mostly because my sense of time is so dilated that I cannot accurately judge how often I am taking a breath.

I remember getting stuck in some kind of void loop once .
I began naming household objects to bring myself
Out of it , and it worked : " dog ". Bed , dresser , chair , door
That sort of thing as I recited these objects it slowly
Brought me back to reality . It was crazy but effective .

Welcome back from the void Samphire =)

It is an uncomfortable place to be and I'm afraid there is no way you can guarantee you won't end up there again if you keep working with spice. It isn't always dose-dependent, although higher doses make extreme experiences like this more likely. You have, however, now seen a glimpse of the depths you can reach in this game and come back relatively unscathed.

If you feel that you can't ever experience something like this again I would advise you to look at what you are working with and think hard. This kind of thing is not uncommon and can appear at the most surprising of times.