(From an older post of mine>>>Without my practicing Kabbalistic teks of meditation and visualization, I'd be truly lost. Or would I? It seems that the closer I get to the Creator, the further I get away from any material stability. It doesnt work in the west. Unless Im gonna go off to the mountains that is. IDK, I have tried to live as a reflection of the Loving-Kindness of the Creator since having a (non drug) awakening experience, and especially since the DMT. But Im more often than not so buffeted by the forces of darkness in the world that I feel overwhelmed and I question my ability to Persevere. It is what we ( I) have done for millenia, and I want it to stop.<<<

Holy crap kids. God freaking hates me! (Joke?) I'm writing this from a 'facility' where folks go when they are in an emotional crisis. Not the nut-hut, but close. if anyone has read my posts, they chronicle a long term struggle to secure a modicum of stability in a life that has been torn to shreds by trauma and hard drugs. But one I feel is worth resurrecting. im in tears as I type this because I feel SOO beaten down. Ive been on the street for over a year, not because of drug use or really ANYTHING I did. I am in school and even though carrying a 4.0 GPA, will prolly flunk this term because I spent almost all of last week in the courthouse filing a suit to try to recover $1500 bucks that was stolen fro me in a bad-faith housing scam on craigslist. Every penny I had at the time. (not to mention the ACRB extraction that is in stasis now)

I have read on the 'dark night of the soul' in several books on spirituality, kabala, and occult studies. it is a process that most spiritual seekers encounter, and am pretty sure that is happening.I swear my best efforts lead me nowhere. It seems that for some reason, as one enters into a relationship with G-d, that G-d recedes from them, almost like trying to pick a booger out of the pool.

Im really not looking for newage advice, but anyone with DNotS experience I would like to hear from. I practice Kabala, from the western hermetic perspective, and I do not ave a teacher. thinking about joining an AMORC meetup here, other than that locally all I know is the Thelema lodge, and those guys, well, just not really my thing. anyone from the great PNW know of any thing?

like I said, I am working on an ACRB extraction, but who knows how/when, or if it will complete. And even if I do, I feel like I may be experiencing an "Icarus Syndrome",- falling hard after coming too close to the source with pride. because when I look at my diary, every time I reach a new level in my development, it is accompanied by this arrogance and ignorance. So maybe i'm not ready? Not worthy? Then why would all the roads lead here? Best run now, starting to ramble, no sleep last nite