My first Ayahuasca experience was a partial failure, but the 30 minutes I was able to see some a very novel geometric pattern when I closed my eyes and I saw a vision of a human being stripped of various layers of 'something'. My second Aya experience lasted a proper length of time, even produced some mild OEVs and left me with a 2-week afterglow. During that experience, I had this temporary realization that "I" am just a mental construction without any real substance. There was a lot more to it. I can hardly describe at this point as I no longer have that understanding. Best 2 weeks of my life followed.
Third experience is when I first became troubled. It was this disturbing feeling of my thoughts fading away. I pursued a line of thought for a while, and then all of a sudden it began fading. The way it happened is that I would have my most recent thought in mind, but I suddenly lost the context of it (basically, I forgot all the thoughts leading up to it) and then as I try to recall the context I also lose the thought and I find myself completely unable to recall what I had been thinking.
Fourth experience was a pleasant one. I tried making it more sensory than about thoughts. I felt really good about being who I am and very very comfortable in my own skin. I had a lot of thoughts and I never remembered any of them. Then toward the end, it turned into this awful feeling where I thought I had everything figured out and that life was extremely simple. I have a really revolting feeling associated with that state.
Fifth trip was just a plain nightmare. I closed my eyes, got under a blanket and I was plunged into this nightmare world. I felt like I was the only person in the world and that I was undergoing eternal torment. Even death was not an escape because there was this feeling that the entire world was a product of my mind. Death would just bring me to a greater awareness of my eternal torment. I could phase in and out of the trip by removing the blanket, but every time I returned the same nightmare continued.
After that experience, I decided to take a break. I did for a month. My next experience was a mixed back. In some ways it was the continuation of my 5th experience. At some point on the come up, this thought flashed that I had a sick soul and that's why I had to use Aya. Then, I saw images of myself isolated from society, watching TV and just like literally living in my own little world. It felt awful. But I basically used the fact that getting out from under the blanket and focusing on object can temporarily stop the experience to refocus myself on something else. So I did some work on metaphysics. Helped me for a bit. Surprisingly, it turns out that my thoughts kind of mirrored the contents of the Critique of Pure Reason. So it felt pretty good to know that I wasn't just thinking crazy thoughts.
But that faded with time. Though the ideas remained with me, I no longer felt like they were of much use. It has been this way for a while. It's as if some people chase material goods in hope that they will finally attain happiness, while I keep chasing ideas in hopes that I finally develop a useful life philosophy. But even if they are good ideas, I lose faith in them before long.
Seventh experience wasn't remarkable in the content of thought. I hardly remember what I thought that time. I do have this experience of some sort of disembodied state of being. It felt like great freedom. But toward the end of it all, I got stuck in this confused loop state where I got up to do something, moved a bit, and then moved back like 50 times.
Eight experience months after the 7th. I had this feeling of no longer being in this world. The edges of my body seemed fuzzy and were fading into away into some sort of cosmic darkness. At that point, I felt I understood why some people interpreted the experience as being taken to a spirit world. But in the experience, I was just assailed by this whirlwind of incoherent thought. None of it made sense on a very fundamental level. These were the kinds of thoughts like "he walked through air and into my toenail" sorts of thoughts. For brief periods I could focus my mind and make the comment that my thought processes made no sense whatsoever, but then it went back to the stream of madness. This trip I did not learn much of anything.
I've also had a bunch low dose MHRB experiences that just consisted of a nice boost to my sense and mind, but no visions. But every time I try to have the kind of Aya experience that others talk about, complete with visions and all that, I get these nightmares. What do??