The Mass of the Phoenix:

This was to be the culmination of all my knowledge all of my learning to this point was to be focused into one ritual. At the time I had called it the great work. I spent months working out the finer details and experimenting with all the pieces to get them just right for maximum intensity. I drew a great deal from the native American spiritual system as in my experience this was the purest and by far the most effective system of mysticism I had know. Kabalistic symbolism would also play a large role I this experience as well as my understanding of sensory deprivation and how the human mind operated under extreme situations.

The ritual itself would last 3 days mostly consisting of prolonged periods of meditation and fasting wherein I could only consume spirit water ( a brew of herbs used in native American rituals) and a special list of foods. I sought to minimalize my sensory input spending the vast majority of my time in complete darkness or in my floatation tank where I had rigged a computer monitor to display certain images . I had modified the tank by cutting a small square hole in the top above where my head would be. I then designed a flash file that would run a series of esoteric imagery to display on the monitor. I possessed a pair of earphones that were waterproof (not easy to do ) wherein I played a series of binaural beats that I found to be most effective from my extensive research on the subject. I lived in a rather secluded area where I knew few people and had little worry of being 'visited'. This enabled me to set up the sweat lodge in my back yard. I was forced to modify the lodge from its traditional round shape to a more elongated shape much like a racetrack form because I was worried while on the DMT I would lose control of my body and could seriously even fatally harm myself on the rocks. I decided to make the lodge just long enough to fit the rocks and to fit my shape lying down. As a precautionary measure I also placed a short wooden barrier between the rock pit and where I would be and I moved the floatation tank outside near the lodge.

My decision was to perform this ritual on the spring solstice which at the time was about a month away so I had plenty of time to make the preparations. Everything had to be designed to work seamlessly. I knew I would be in total darkness while on the dmt I would be unable to perform even the most basic tasks so I built a tripping mechanism to pour the water on the rocks precisely 2 minutes after I had entered the lodge and closed the door. I did have a friend come by at the appropriate time and place the rocks in a metal chute I had built in the side of the lodge that would place them into the pit. I didn’t want to include anyone else in this but I could find no other way to enable me to go directly from the floatation tank to the lodge. He was a old hippie type and didn’t ask too many questions especially since there was 50 bucks involved.

I chose 49 rocks inscribed them with the 49 enochian calls "keys". The rocks had, as native American tradition requires, been burning for about 8 hours in a massive bonfire and were glowing red. My body was weak from the 3 day fasting and after spending 7 hours in the floatation tank my senses were reeling. I knew it took 14 steps to walk from the tank to the entrance of the lodge and upon exiting the tank I covered head and body in a dark blanket. I entered and closed the door. I had to work fast in the darkness the glowing of the rocks did provide me with a little light to see by. My eyes had become accustomed to the darkness from having spent so many hours in the tank. I pushed a small wooden lever which was rigged to start a cd player on the outside to begin playing a ritual chant I had recorded earlier grasped the sacred chanupa pipe I had carved especially for this ceremony. I had pre loaded the pipe with sage and a ample supply of DMT. I knew I had only a minute to find the pipe and the lighter. First I was to light the Abermelin incense which I had mixed during the last full moon and then to take of the pipe. Luckily I was able to get process finished before I heard the bucket crashed as I took my second toke.

It was all that I could do to keep the smoke held as the wave of superhot steam blasted my body. I had gone from no sensory input to every fiber of my being being hammered with the intensity only a sweat lodge can give. The DMT took effect and at the cusp of the break thru my final thought was oh god I have gone too far. In a flash of thought my conscious mind was torn asunder and my body collapsed in convulsions of pain. My mind and body were mercilessly torn apart and within seconds I heard the horrid noise to this day gives me chills. I could hear my very soul screaming in unmitigated terror. The very fabric of reality and my ego were ripped from me like a rotted rag as I plunged into a void of unimaginable depths. The ability to think, to even try to understand was no longer with me. I could not think I could only see, I could only perceive. My body lay broken on the floor of the lodge but I was not of that body anymore. I knew this to be death but I could feel no emotion, no fear nothing. A second was a day a minute a year as time itself seemed to completely stop. I was I existed but the part that made me had died I was no longer Carlos. I felt no fear, no pain nothing. Only a vast sea of darkness so complete so infinite. I had stepped into the abyss.

I do not know how long I laid there. When I regained my 'consciousness' for lack of a better term the heat had dissipated. It had been many hours for that to occur. I was in extreme pain something had gone awry that I felt but I was unable to respond. I couldn’t think correctly I was lost between worlds. Even the concept of moving a limb was beyond my ability to comprehend. There I laid in the darkness, one thing I came to realize while lying there. I went too far. I wasn’t me anymore. Carlos was dead. I existed but all that made up me was no longer there. I was new fresh , reborn. But all the things I was all the idiosyncrasies that made me who 'I' was were gone. And with it my ability to interact with the world I was in. I was an alien existing in a different dimension. The fear and pain were just bizarre abstract sensations to me that I couldn’t understand. Over what seemed like several hours I finally was able to slowly move. It was a trial and error effort. It must have taken me 2 hours just to make it out of the lodge door. Upon hitting the door the bright morning time light and the vivid colors exploded into my mind. I was confused and disoriented. Too many things were hitting me all at once. I couldn’t take them all in at one time. I wanted badly to return to the lodge close the door but It was too difficult I just didn’t have the ability with all this chaos around me. So I lie there with my eyes closed half in the lodge and half outside. Trying so hard to regain my composure. To regain my mind.

I was exceptionally weak the fasting and the shock had drained the nutrients from my body and the prolonged exposure to the steam in the lodge had dehydrated me considerably. Little did I know at the time I was also badly burned. The salt from the flotation tank had soaked into my skin and the steam had caused the skin on my back and sides to blister and begin to fall off. I drifted off into a half sleep where I had bizarre visions which I would write about for many months afterward. I see things as vividly as if they were real. But I could only see I could not analyze what they were. But they stay with me to this day. 5 years later they still come to me in my dreams.

After awakening I was much stronger physically but still my mind was fractured into 1000 pieces I direly wanted to go into my home the door was only about 10 feet away but opening the door was beyond my ability to comprehend. I knew what it was I knew how a knob worked but putting the motions together was just so complicated. It was like building the space shuttle it was a overwhelming task that seemed impossible. I was so thirsty and hungry it was tormenting me but I could not understand these strange sensations what were they, I didn’t like them and I wish they would go away. From time to time a flitter of thought would hit me I would understand in pieces what water was what drink was. There was still remnants of snow on the ground from the last winter. Just small patches and as I made my way to one of these I didn’t truly understand what I was doing. I do not know maybe my animal instincts had taken over but somehow I was able t consume some of the snow. Strange but wonderful I enjoyed the feeling of swallowing this treasure and soon I was able to find more. I ate every leaf infested soaked patch I could make my way to. Crawling and dragging myself my legs were far too weak to stand. Any attempt would only result in me realizing I didn’t have a clue how to actually balance and I would crash to the ground reeling in pain which I had learned was a bad sensation and I didn’t want it anymore. But I felt physically better. I had regained some sense some ability to move and some ability to think. I felt I could rest. The sensation of fear had subsided. I could rest here in the cold air and soon maybe I would recover from this. The sun was soon to set before I awoke. My back had adhered itself to the side of the floatation tank I had leaned against. It was excruciating to separate. I had regained my bearings to some degree. I was able to coordinate movements more effectively. But still I was not able to work the complicated dynamics of balance while standing. I began to crawl to the door. I looked to the side where I had been resting and was horrified to see patches of blood and flesh stuck to the side of the tank.

But still the seriousness of the imagery did not register completely with me I knew it was bad. All my focus all my strength was to one thing. Getting inside the house. Recovering and hoping to god this would end. Hoping this was a bad dream. I needed to wake up. As a bit of divine luck the door to my home was a lever so just grabbing it and trying to pull myself up with it was plenty enough to open it and swing it open. The sun had begun to set and I had left all lights off. I didn’t want them to distract me during the ceremony and the mere concept of a light switch didn’t even register in my mind so I slowly crawled down the dark hallway. I made it to the living room in short order and I had inadvertently left the television on but muted. Perhaps my assistant had turned it on as he waited for the exact time I told him to load the stones into the lodge. I don’t know. I was utterly fascinated by the vision. The pain and the weakness was gone as I was hypnotically drawn to the brilliant imagery of this device. It was the most mesmerizing fascinating thing I had ever seen. I knew what a TV was but it is as if I had read about them and this was the first time I had actually seen one for the first time.

I can’t remember what I was watching but I do remember finally coming to the realization that those were people and I was one of them. I was not alone in this place there were others something that until now had never even occurred to me. I laid on the floor for the rest of the night. I was exhausted and tired I drifted in and out of sleep many times. The light from the TV was the only thing I could see. It lit up the room well and I remembered this place but it seed alien like a distant memory. Like how you would feel if you went back in time to your childhood home. As the next morning came and the birds made such a clutter outside I awoke and was much better I was still physically severely weak and the hunger was causing me much discomfort. I could hear my stomach roaring and I knew I had to eat something. My mind had regained some of its composure but still I couldn’t stand without holding onto something. I made my way to the kitchen and stared at the cabinetry and of course more fucking doors what's with this world and all of those goddamn doors. It didn’t take me much effort to get them open but I was constantly distracted by new objects I would casually see a pot here a fridge full of magnets my stepmom insisted on putting on the door. I found a packet of beef jerky and I wasn’t 100% on what it was but I knew I wanted it. Then began the long laborious task of getting the package open. I was able to finally consume the contents but it made me wretch. I wanted some more of that water. I had seen a bowl of water in the sink where I had days earlier soaked a empty bowl before I began my ritual. I eagerly clamored to it and drank the contents without hesitation. It was horrid. This was nothing like the glorious snow I had tasted this was raunchy and made me choke in mid swallow. But it did the job.

I spent the next few days basically in the living room and the kitchen. It wasn’t a pleasant time my back had locked up which did help with standing but I hadn’t quite gotten down the art of going to the bathroom and it wasn’t a pretty site to say the least. Luckily I had been fasting so I didn’t need to go too often. Plus I was naked from the ritual so there wasn’t the issue with cumbersome clothes to worry about. I just went where I could. I spent the better part of my conscious day pondering what had occurred trying to remember what had happened to me and what I was to do about it. The television no longer fascinated me as much as it had before. I was bloody, weak, my lungs were on fire. My strength was returning as was my mind but in pieces. I was able to think now. Focus on a task and know how to do it with some efficiency. But still it too all my effort to do anything. I had to put everything into the simple tasks. It was a couple days since the end of the ritual I finally was able to make my way to the bathroom and fully deal with the damage I had incurred. A good piece of my flesh had been lost. A yellowish scab had accrued across vast swatches but it wasn’t as bad as I had initially thought it would be. But unfortunately much dirt and debris was encrusted into the wounds.

Analysis:

I had horribly miscalculated the ceremony. I had not taken many factors into account, primarily safety. Essentially I think the experience would have been very powerful even if I had not taken the DMT. It really only lasts for 5 minutes. Essentially I assume went into shock, sensory overload wherein my mind shut down from the transition. A floatation tank properly built is a powerful sensory deprivation device. If you spend enough time in one you can and will undergo hallucinations which are very vivid. It has been claimed if you stay awake in a sensory deprivation chamber for more than 24 hours you will loose your mind. I do not know if that is true I never dared to try but I do know a good 8 hours is extremely intense. I had spent no more than 8 hours and on this day I sent 7. Upon leaving your nerves are vibrant every touch every movement is a blast to your mind. Your brain has been so desperately grasping for input that when it gets it these sensations are amplified for a good few minutes after leaving the tank. This wears off in a short while as you re adjust.

So in fact I went from my mind having little to no sensory input to my mind getting a overload of sensory input via the intense steam of a sweat lodge. That along with the fasting and meditation was probably the primary ingredient in which the events caused me to loose consciousness for such a prolonged period. There are also complimentary factors involved. I think many of the physical effects afterward can be attributed to me spending so long in the lodge wherein I sweat profusely for hours with no water and I had been fasting for 48 hours before that taking in only small quantities of food. I was in a weakened state at the start of the event and the dehydration only further complicated my dilemma, one of the symptoms from dehydration is a impairment of brain function. I theorize that the DMT only 'colored' the event. Set the mood so to speak as it did have the disorienting feel of returning from a DMT trip only extended over many hours. However the major effect on me was not a result of the DMT alone.

3 months leading up to this ritual I had spent no less than 4 hours a day in meditation some days much more. 5-8 hours a day in the floatation tank and usually I done DMT 2-4 times each and every day. I had stopped counting the trips when I reach 150 which and I estimate I probably had around 180 journeys in that 3 month period. My mind and body had been under a high level of stress for a long period of time and this ritual was simply the straw that broke the camel’s back. I wish I would have had the strength to try to ritual again. This time prepared and without the DMT to see what the difference would be but I was broken and Just didn’t have the will to even think about such a thing.

I have always been one to go to such extremes. I have always believed if you want to go farther than anyone has ever gone before you had to be willing to do things others aren’t willing to do. The journey into the darkest recesses of the mind is a dangerous road. For me safety was never a concern. I never really expected to live all that long and I wasn’t worried about the consequences.

---

It was a good 10 days before I was truly able to effectively interact with the world. Even afterward I would go outside and try to do something and have blank spots where I would just space out unable to think or focus and just stand there in a daze. These episodes would haunt me at random times for months afterward. I had made a extensive attempt to prepare before the ceremony to record and write what I had undergone. But afterward my heart just wasn’t into it. I just wanted to make it thru the recovery. I was still concerned I might very well not survive. I hadn’t predicted the situation I would come out in effectively so I was highly unprepared. It was about a month before I was truly capable of thinking back on the experience but it was as if it was yesterday. I seen it vividly, I then began to write. I wrote whatever came to my mind and often I drifted out into a trance as I typed barely aware of what I was writing but far too fearful to read what it was I would type frantically as thought flowed thru me. Never stopping to think or to ponder what I was writing about. Once done I would save the file and close it careful not to allow myself to look at what I had wrote. I even set up WordPad to only show one line of text at a time so I couldn’t accidentally glance at my writings. Then I would spacebar like mad for a few lines so when I went to save I would only see a blank page. I didn’t want to know I didn’t want to see I couldn’t deal with that. The only reason I wrote at all was I could not let all this be in vein I had to finish what I started. It simply had to be done. Some writings were clear and concise some were just abstracts artifacts and pieces. They all had the same theme however. That abyss, the infinite void. One thing resounded with me, haunted me. A poem I had written. It was the vision I seen when I was between worlds. When I laid between the lodge and the outdoors on the cold earth:

Having released the burden of life.
I stepped within.
Time knows not this place.
The worry of tomorrow lifted from my shoulders.
The burden of yesterday washed from my mind.
The sweet release.

A voice cried unto me and said.

From the abyss all things come and unto the abyss all things must return.
Fear not the eternal slumber my child for there is no greater peace.

I cried forth into the darkness, who art thou that torments me without end?

I am he who is, the keeper to the gate of worlds long since forgotten by the race of man.
I am the speech in the silence the vibration in the void of naught.
I am that which is nameless for what mere words can give me definition.
For I am the foundation of all things.
I am the universal 1.
Duality only unto myself, I am both the form and the force.
The echo of eternity is all the beckons you now my child.
Time is of no substance to that which is not of matter.
Know me for my truth for fear of truth is madness.

Why do you turn your eyes from me?
The void within you beckons you to go deeper.
I offer fulfillment.
Completion of fate.

In a place which is naught, a soul distraught. sings a chorus of 93 angels.
Their melody soothing as a summer stream.
Thru me their lyrics flow.
Deeper and deeper I fall into this esoteric dream.
Their voices wash away my burdened woes.
Fade from my mind the life of past.
The vibrancy of joy ever last.

Hail unto the lord prince and master of the eternal night.
The never ending abyss from which no man can escape.
The realm of the dreamless sleep that fulfills the desires of heart and soul.
The completeness of nothing. Never needing, never wanting, a sleep without pain nor torment.
The sweet release, therein you will forget the burden of regret.
Know these words to be truth and taste of our immortality therein.

Wow

indeed wow...sounds like one hell of a time

Vovin , your altered states experiences are exactly that , yours . You are quite right about the difficulties of communicating the "true feelings" of any experience , let alone ones that transcend the English languuage and are so personal . Hence the difference between a really great witter and one not so great . Communication skills are a gift , not to say that you haven't been gifted that way . Like everything worth doing , there is a lot of work ahead of you with the task at hand .

I choose not to critique your writings thus far , you have just begun this new phase of your journey , rather let me encourage you , to go forward in such a manner that you do not become discouraged by the work set before you , but rather continue on , day by day , page by page . You will eventually get this completed .

Work towards your goal knowing what you speak of , is based on your own subjective experiences , not some fiction made up to entertain the masses . It is in your own nature to dissect and evaluate , not only these past experiences , but also the manner which you commit them to the written page .You will be your own critic for now . Work towards completing the rough draft and continue on from there , criticism from others will come soon enough . Some constructive , some not so .

Do not be discouraged , you are already well on your way . Well done , I look forward to reading the finished transcript !

The eloquence of my writing ability has faded with time, my old writings were much more pure. I had many experiences from various writings where people would tell me how I was such a good writer but I have somehow lost that ability. I had hope the use of the smart drugs would somehow give me the chance to regain some of this lost skill. I do write clealry and consitently on it but for some reason the words just do not have the magical appeal I was once able to formulate.

I will write with truth you can be sure of that I am not one to be fantastic about what I have undergone. The stories themselves are plenty enough. However I feel I may be too descriptive of the intricate details, too long winded so to speak. This DMT story is one of many that I will write of it's somewhat out of context in the fact that it's only part of that story the original is some 15 pages long so far and will likely grow. I just wanted to throw it out there so see what people thought and to see if I was on the right track in explaining such things. Sometimes you just need a objective opinion.

The feedback I seek is only so that I can feel confident I am correctly writing in a way that people are willing to read the story. I know my story I lived it, I am doing this for others. I need to know if it can resound with them before I write hundreds of pages. I will write the book regardless I have spent the last few years trying to figure out how to bring about this work. It is only now that I have decided that it is the right time.

vovin: this is only constructive criticism, so please take it as so.
first let me say that your story was very moving, and deeply puzzling.

as far as your writing style goes, the only thing which I found slightly
disagreeable was the repetition of "Even the concept of moving a limb
was beyond my ability to comprehend" and permutations. you say
that such and such was 'beyond your understanding', 'unfamiliar to you'
and suchlike about 15 - 20 times (I exaggerate.)

Im sorry, far be it from me with my hackmeat and sloppy approach to
criticise your writings.

--

I've got a couple of questions too: Was all of that... that... trainwreck
from one bowl of smoked DMT? I realise you were fasting, undergoing
hemi-sync and sensory deprevation but was all of it completely without
any MAO inhibitors or any other synergistic chemicals? approximately what
was the dose? I ask only so that we may know our limits.

man, what a bowlful. I find it hard to understand how such an overwhelmingly
intense experience can come from even a huge amount of DMT, because afterall,
there is a limit to how much one can physically inhale at any one time, or even
in repeated breaths, even if the user is hardheaded and able to resist the effects
before passing out, pussying out or otherwise.

Ten Days! longer even! to come back to normality. While the average user is back
within an hour for even, (what I thought) was an incredibly strong trip. Looking
back, the dosage was probably about 180 - 250mg or thereabouts; maybe more..
EDIT: before everyone jumps on this one and says "no, thats impossible!" it was
SWIM's usual light yellow spice, not ultrapure by any means, but still, the largest
dose SWIM has ever smoked.

what do you think was the underlying cause of the intensity? the lack of external
stimuli, perhaps the immense focusing of energy you obviously manifested by runes,
if one chooses to beleive in that kind of thing.. or the steam itself? the pain, perhaps?

if so it could open a new avenue of sodomistic psychonaughtic experimentation...

forgive me, im just confused, and deeply concerned; Mainly because the passage doesn't
really give any insight into what you might have learned, only at the carnage
that this experience reaked upon your body and your mind.

my heart goes out to you dude,
but, I ask tentatively, did we learn anything here, at all?

I welcome critisism it lets me know where I need to explain and where there is a need to cut back a bit. Essentially I think the experience would have been very powerful even if I had not taken the DMT. It really only lasts for 5 minutes no I was not on a maoi but I essentially I assume went into shock, sensory overload where my mind shut sown from the transition. I do not know if you have had a experience with a sweat lodge I know some here must have. A floatation tank properly built is a powerful sensory deprivation device. If you spend enough time in one you can and will undergo hallucinations which are very vivid. It has been claimed if you stay awake in a sensory deprivation chamber for more than 24 hours you will loose your mind. I do not know if that is true I never dared to try but I do know a good 8 hours is extremely intense. Upon leaving your nerves are vibrant every touch every movement is a blast to your mind. Your brain has been so desperately grasping for input that when it gets it these sensations are amplified for a good few minutes after leaving the tank. This wears off in a short while as you re adjust.

So in fact I went from my mind having little to no sensory input to my mind getting a overload of sensory input via the lodge. That along with the fast and meditation was probably the primary ingredient in which the events caused me to loose conciousness for such a prolonged period. With the intake of DMT I would assume that I had only set the stage for this event so my brain was operating under a altered state when the 'shock' occured. This is the only time I have ever had the disorientating effects of DMT really persist past the 5 or so minutes of having imbibed it.

There are also complimentary factors involved. The lodge will hold heat for some time and you do sweat profusely while in it. I was sure I had become dehydrated from that and some of the experience could be from the dehydration as the symptoms from dehydration if I recall are a imparement of brain function. This may also have had alot to do with the severe physical weakness I underwent which also plagued me for some time until I was able to take in some water.

as I write this I am beginning to really understand your question and I think I should rewrite the story to show these things as I re read it there does seem to be a general feeling the DMT was what caused the entire effect. IMHO It did play a big role but it wasnt the sole reason for the experience maybe 20% at best.

As far as the lesson learned I cut it off after the experience. Keep in mind this is only about 2 pages I wrote a full 15 pages on this event. I just didnt want to put it all up at once it's longer than most people care to read as it is.

ah, I am starting to see that now. So, my question "what did we learn from this experience" is obviously mute, since it wasn't some epic overdose of DMT which caused this, but the other factors as you've drawn my attention to.

Obviously, very, very physical. I think you probably should rewrite, or atleast append this to the story so that readers aren't scared more than usual by this mystical chemical, which is allready shrouded in misinformation, guesses and hearsay.

I just wanted to say again, I am really sorry that this happened to you. I know it was your own doing, but what I admire most was that you were actively trying to push the boundaries. I respect you for that, and wish you godspeed in your healing process. (yeah, I realise this was 5 years ago... )

I just wanted to say I go on after this and explain why and I analyze the experience itself in my writing but I didnt want to put it all up. I guess I should have explained that to start. I didnt want to post that yet as I havent looked at the writings I have made at the time to see what I was thinking. I have volumes of work and some of it is short and some of it honestly sounds like the rantings of a madman so it will be a big effort to work thru these and give the experience a proper objective analasis.

I wrote this yesterday solely from my memory. I wanted to see how well I could recount exactly what had occured. I did not want to be biased from reading my logs from the time. I was hoping I would be able to give myself a objective opinion after having looked at both and see how I had seen it then compared to how I see it now. I was quite suprised how well my memory was on the event I think the modafinil had a very big part in that. I think that's why I tend to explain every single little thing as I recalled it which in retrospect was a little bit of a overshoot.

Just FYI I am a devout skeptic. I dont believe in magick per se which is ironic as I have studied it for some time. The situation as I see it is magic is nothing more than a method of communicating with the subconcious mind. as we see in our dreams we think sunconsiously in symbolism and a ritual in and of itself is nothing more than a symbolic communication to the sibconcious mond to attain a desired effect. How that effect is implemented can be debated on several terms I had a complex theory I plan to find somewhere in my masses of papers wherein I described the quantum entanglement theory in conjunction with carl gustav jungs theory of the collective unconsious allowing the 'supernatural' to take effective form.

I have seen spells work I write about it in the first part of my book it is what started me on the journey to begin with. But I cannot bring myself to believe in fairies and emons and spirits. I have invested alot of time in quantum science trying to find a logical explanation.

Im so *dying* to read your other experiences, vovin.
do please let us know when/if you put them up on the net.

When It is done which will be a good while, as I read them I become less and less satisfied with what I have written. I will publish the book in PDF and let it out for free on the web. I am not trying to get rich here it's just something I feel I need to do Complete a chapter in my life.

Luckily wether it truly be the drug or if it is a placebo effect I am very inspired to take on this task. But I am a perfectionist especially for this I think that one of the reasons I have hesitated so long to put it out there and I truly want to be honest and not glorify myself which is something people tend to do. There are points in my life where I am not so proud of my actions and I dont come off as such a noble sole but to be truthful and willing to lay it out there is honestly a hard thing to do. It is difficult to show yourself for who you are the good as well as the bad. Simply put I was a lousy son of a bitch for many years before I came to know thelema and learned to bring balance to my life. I was in prison 3 times and those times were life changing events of themselves. I was a violent and troublesome youth well on my way to self destruction for many years. My loss of religion at the age of 11 years caused me to act out n a downright suicidal manner well into my late twenties.

Vovin , I am not sure what your views are as far as spiritual matters are concerned . But if I may be so bold , at this juncture of your post to just say , no matter what you have done or been in the past , it is gone now . Reflect upon that which is good and pure and just , don't condemn or judge yourself , God has forgive all , there is no judgment , in His eyes we are all perfect . There is nothing we could ever say or do that would alienate Him from us .

Thank you for being open , vulnerable and honest .

vovin.. you make me want to build a 10ft high hat, just so I can take it off to you - that was an amazing read and a no doubt exceptionally exceptional experience.. i can't even imagine.

very nice - enjoyed it much much - cant wait for the pdf. Its hard to find ppl with this mindset and it helps to find them when the spice makes one feel alone in what they are experiencing. You are a very strong person dude. Much Appreciated.

Wow! That sounded like one hell of an experience. Vovin, I hope you're not offended if I call you a crazy fool for having done that! I'm so glad you survived to tell the tale. I enjoy your writing style, it transported me into your experience. I, too, eagerly await the full pdf.

Be kind to yourself!

You gotta be crazy to try stuff like this. having been insane for most of my life I am one of the foremost authorities on he subject. I have always believed you have to push the envelope as far as you possibly can only then will you be able to grow. This is a poem I wrote after the incident. I think it puts the mentality of the situation in a better light.


Having released the burden of life.
I stepped within.
Time knows not this place.
The worry of tomorrow lifted from my shoulders.
The burden of yesterday washed from my mind.
The sweet release.

A voice cried unto me and said.

From the abyss all things come and unto the abyss all things must return.
Fear not the eternal slumber my child for there is no greater peace.

I cried forth into the darkness, who art thou that toments me without end?

I am he who is, the keeper to the gate of worlds long since forgotten by the race of man.
I am the speech in the silence the vibration in the void of naught.
I am that which is nameless for what mere words can give me definition.
For I am the foundation of all things.
I am the universal 1.
Duality only unto myself, I am both the form and the force.
The echo of eternity is all the beckins you now my child.
Time is of no substance to that which is not of matter.
Know me for my truth for fear of truth is madness.

Why do you turn your eyes from me?
The void within you beckons you to go deeper.
I offer fulfillment.
Completion of fate.

In a place which is naught, a soul distraught. sings a chourous of 93 angels.
Their melody soothing as a summer stream.
Thru me their lyrics flow.
Deeper and deeper I fall into this esoteric dream.
Their voices wash away my burdened woes.
Fade from my mind the life of past.
The vibrancy of joy everlast.

Hail unto the lord prince and master of the eternal night.
The never ending abyss from which no man can escape.
The realm of the dreamless sleep that fulfills the desires of heart and soul.
The completeness of nothing. Never needing, never wanting, a sleep without pain nor torment.
The sweet release, therein you will forget the burden of regret.
Know these words to be truth and taste of our immortality therein.

quite moving Vovin, I'm in awe. Thanks for sharing.

wow Vovin, incredible report...

Amazing.. <<<my eyes were like this while reading

Glad to see you made it out and are not back to normal!(relatively, of course)

Really, that was an unbeleivable read. Thank you for sharing such a difficult experience with us.

Captivating!