Alright, so on wards then
My first and so far only 'bad' DMT trip was the one after the light and letters on the leg experience.
It was a couple of nights later and I went in with a lot of hope that I'd be able to find my DMT friends again but also some level of doubt. Rather then allowing whatever to be I wanted something specific. So the DMT kicked my butt for it.
I loaded up around 30-50mg (eyeballed dose) and returned to my son's room (he once again was sleeping elsewhere, he never sleeps in his bed
). I hoped having the same setting would facilitate the experience. I took a couple of small tokes and the world once again looked brighter. I stared at the floor for awhile, watching the textures move and the familiar rainbow colored letters perform their erratic dance but I didn't get a clear feeling of the a presence.
After coming down a bit I got up and went to my kitchen/dining room area. I was feeling disappointed that I didn't make contact and hit the pipe like a crack head would, burning the spice a fair bit as I did
The moving textures on the floor picked back up but the colors weren't bright and vibrant but dark and ugly. I could feel my head getting in the way of things, for anyone that's had a bad trip before I'm sure you know the feeling, like being caught between heaven and hell as your mind refuses to let go.
I sat on the floor and pulled my legs up into my chest and held on tight. Inside I did not want the experience to end, in fact I was quite scared that I would come back down without seeing my friends. I was afraid to look at myself, quite literally. I was scared that if I saw moving textures on my body it might scare me and likewise I was scared that I'd look and they wouldn't be there. On some level, I now associate these textures on my own flesh (same as I see on the floors and walls), as me being part of things rather then apart from.
After a few minutes of this purgatory I began to come down and saw hints of the bright plastic happy world and felt the faint presence of my friends, as if they wanted to tell me, 'Hey, we're still here, maybe we'll catch up next time'. While it was reassuring it was also incredibly emotional. I shook after wards, not knowing quite what to make of the whole experience. Further reflecting in the days to come I managed to integrate it and I now take it as a valuable lesson.
A few days later I had made some modifications to my pipe (a tire gauge with a chore boy in it, I added a second chore boy screen to act as a heating element and better protect the spice from burning). I took a couple of small hits with my wife in the room just to see if it was working better. I made a point to look at my hands and feet while on this small dose. The world was bright, my skin and my wife's had that nice pink DMT glow to them. I remember staring at my feet and thinking how much they look like hands.
Maybe a week went by before my next trip. I was feeling particularly stressed out (not sure why, I'm a stay at home Dad with a wife that is in school full time so my life can be kinda stressful in the dealing with a two year old all day sorta way but nothing beyond that). My wife had called on her way home from school and I was somewhat curt with her and she asked what was wrong and I said I don't know.
When she got home I asked if she minded if I took a bath to try to relax. I decided to take my DMT pipe in with me and took a couple of hits while I drew my bath water and reminded myself to let go and allow the experience to be what it was. The textures on the towels began to change and move and I made a point to look at my hands. No textures but familiar rainbow colored letters danced across my skin. I closed my eyes for a bit, watching the closed eye visuals but they made me feel a bit nauseous so I didn't go to far into them.
I had no entity contact from this experience but a very pleasant bath in which I found myself playing with the bath water much like my son does, splashing the water up on my leg and just enjoying being in the moment. I had come down off the DMT but the world had a nice DMT glow to it for two days afterword (everything was bright and plasticy, like I was in what I call DMT land).
A couple of days later I woke up before my son did and my wife was already gone to school. I decided to smoke some DMT first thing to see how it was. I sat on my chair in the living room and closed my eyes for a bit after taking my first big toke. I realized I still felt quite sleepy and at this point I wasn't really a fan of the closed eye visuals. So I opened my eyes to avoid the sleepiness and watched the trees across the street move around in the wind. Nothing really profound happened just a mellow somewhat sleepy trip. Deciding I wanted something more I took another big hit and held it in, I told myself this would be the last one for the day so I got up while holding my breath to put my pipe away in the kitchen. As I looked upon the cupboard I kept it in the hit started to take hold and I exhaled.
I stood in the kitchen, watching rainbow colored patterns dance across the counter top, the kitchen light above my head felt like a presence, like God was above me. I sat my hands on the counter, hoping to see the patterns merge but they didn't. I felt separate. A conversation began in my head with this entity that felt like God that basically amounted to loving reassurance. The voices in my head, the one of reassurance and the one of doubt both were my own. I came down and noted that I hadn't done any of my regular morning routine and felt quite off. The experience really showed me what a creature of habit I am, especially in the mornings, and that smoking DMT first thing can really throw off my daily routine. I haven't been brave enough to attempt this again but I think once I'm doing breakthrough doses I might give it another shot. It was very informative.
Awhile later (maybe a week or a week and a half) I'd decided to go for a breakthrough. I'd been reading on the internet that closing your eyes helps and as I hadn't really delved into the closed eye visuals to much I figured I'd give that a fair shot.
I went into our bedroom and laid down on our bed, my wife and step son busy in the kitchen playing with legos. I took a few hits and closed my eyes, allowing the experience to be what it would be.
I began to feel a vibration moving through my whole body and saw a very rapidly moving violet hallway like shape in my minds eye. I simply allowed this to go on for the duration of the trip without thought really of what was happening. I felt an incredible energy in my chest where the heart chakra is (though I'm not a big fan of that term being a creature of habit and one that was very skeptical of stuff like this most of his life). I also felt presences, the return of my DMT friends though I didn't really see them. I opened my eyes for a moment during the experience and saw a ribbon of rainbow colored letters across my bedroom ceiling. When I came down I was giddy, I felt like I'd just had my soul massaged by my friends
I laughed, giggled, rolled around on my bed just happy to have experienced something so amazing. I said thank you multiple times and got up to tell my wife about it.
When I got into the dining room I was very excited. I looked through our glass table and saw a faint shimmer of rainbow colored letters on the floor like my DMT friends were saying, 'See you next time'. But soon after I felt very sad, sad I couldn't share this amazing experience with my wife while our step son was in the room. I asked my wife if I could talk to her alone because I just really wanted to share the experience with someone.
It was another week and a half before I again partook. I once again returned to our bedroom, my wife was studying and I asked if she minded if I smoked (not wanting the smell to disturb her). She said she didn't mind. Just as I was taking my hit our son woke up so I let it go and waited about an hour. I went back to the bedroom, this time alone.
(The following is mostly copy and pasted from a post I made on another forum I frequent).Sitting on my bed I smoked some DMT and just kinda chilled out and relaxed, watching the stream of my consciousnesses with my eyes closed. I noted a few interesting things.
The 'DMT sound' would change pitch and frequency depending on my state of mind. Generally I've experienced it as a very rapid vibration but on this day I focused on my emotions rather than my thoughts and managed to find a quiet peace inside myself. The rapid hum slowed down.
I had been reading some Ayahuasca trip reports the day before and I had noted how different these experiences are to my own on DMT or even most DMT trip reports I'd read. I closed my eyes and my mind reflected on this for a moment and I saw a flash of a more organic DMT experience with some kind of animal running on a savanna. To contrast this my DMT experiences tend to be more electric lego land, which also ran through my minds eye. For a moment I considered my own experiences and thought that someone else could have a completely different trip depending on their mindset and/or belief structures.
I opened my eyes and took in the room around me. I was laying on a blue comforter and was also wearing a pair of blue pajama pants of a similar shade. The sun was still out but was hiding behind some clouds so the room was dimly lit. I still felt at peace, watching my thoughts go by without feeling connected to them. Simply an observer of myself and everything around me.
It's probably worth mentioning that I've tripped on other psychedelics well over 100 times and have taken some pretty sizable doses of both mushrooms and LSD but have never experienced ego death.
While laying in my bed relaxing on this night I experienced ego death for the fist time. I mean, nothing really happened. I just relaxed into the moment, the peace I was feeling. There was no separation. I was a part of the bed and the bed was a part of me. I was a part of the room I was in. A part of the world around me. I felt extremely comfortable and my open eye visuals reinforced this (or maybe my feelings reinforced the visuals). My blue pants and blue blanket were one. I observed my feet sticking out of my pants but it was only an observation, I felt no more tied to those feet then I did the bed or the TV. The bed was warm and alive, I literally remember it's warmth and the movement of it's breadth, like I was laying on top of some giant warm blooded snake. With every breath I took the room would breath as well. Myself, the bed, the room, every bit of the world that was within my immediate area of perception was one living breathing being.
I don't know how long I chilled like this. Just breathing and being. Maybe five minutes. It's worth mentioning that I don't own a water bed, just a mattress on the floor.
After I came down I saw my wife and felt very sad, sad that I felt so distant from her. We'd fought a few days before and both of us were still on guard from that argument. Sitting on the couch next to her I rationalized this feeling away, how absurd and ironic it was that the person I'm most connected too, both materially and spiritually, is the one I was feeling so distant from and all because of imaginary walls that we'd both built. I decided it was best to ignore those walls, imaginary as they are anyway, and that this would be the best way for us to eventually find togetherness again.
My last and most recent experience was on this same night. I returned to the room after another hour or two. Took a couple of hits and was sitting up. I recall thinking this is my will, this is my choice, what I want as I took the second hit. Willing myself onward but at the same time I don't know, I guess it changed the trip a bit.
My original intention was to lay down, try to breakthrough. But instead I just sat there, up on my knees, watching the colored patterns move, watching the world breath as I breathed. It wasn't a bad experience but I didn't regain that incredible sense of oneness I'd experienced earlier that night. I remember pondering if I was God, if everything was simply a projection of my thoughts. I don't know. Just a weird experience.
As I was coming down I felt the experience ended to quickly, that there was something there for me to learn but that I didn't stay in that space long enough to get it. I took another toke, trying to get back into the space, but ended up just feeling crappy. I'm not sure if I burnt the spice but my lungs ended up hurting pretty bad from that last hit. Moral of the story probably being that when I treat DMT like I have treated other drugs in the past, it'll kick my butt.
That's all for now
I'm almost out of spice and have enough left for two solid breakthrough attempts. Not sure when I'll have more so hopefully I'll be able to get in deep before I run out
Thanks everyone for reading