I had to visit the DMT Nexus chat/emergency room on Friday due to a trip gone very wrong. I was helped a lot—it’s even possible my life was saved—by the kind people there. I was too far gone to know or remember everyone who stepped up to help (some were goofing a bit, and they were a help too, lol), but anrchy stood out as someone who consistently and intently tried to help. I deeply appreciate that, and I offer much thanks to him, and to anybody else who was there and I can’t remember.

I PM’ed with anrchy today and filled him in more on what went on, and he wanted me to write a trip report, so here it is. Perhaps it will give help or insight to another beginner who might be having a hard time.

The substance was the “McKenna” cubensis variety. Some call them the “penis envy” strain. I’ve been growing them—and drying them. I use a dehydrator with a low setting (95 F), and dry them cracker dry (24 hours). They reduce at about 14:1. The one measured batch I did went from 50 grams to 3.6 grams. My first flush of 20 cakes produced 36 grams dry.

The drugs-forum gives some suggested dosages for this strain:

Beginner: 0.4 grams
Full Dose: 1.6 grams
Massive Dose: 2.4 - 3.2 grams

On my first trip last Wednesday (ten days ago) I took 1 gram. On Friday night I took about 2.1 grams.

I prepared tea by first grinding the broken up shrooms to talc consistency using a mortar and pestle. Then (I used less with the 1 gram dose) I poured into them (bare) 1 cup of boiled water and the juice of 1 small lemon and 1 small lime. Steeped that for 5-8 minutes, with stirring, and then poured it through 2-3 coffee filters (which takes a few minutes). I also gave the filters some good squeezing, leaving only the “grounds” in them. Then I poured another 1 cup of boiled water backwards through them and steeped some more—this time without any lemon or lime. And filtered that into the first tea. By the time I was done there was only very little powder left—it was ground so fine that somehow most of it ended up in the tea. Doesn’t taste bad at all with all the lemon and lime in it. I gulped it down over a short period.

On to the trips. Both trips had a similar structure:

Stage 1: Misery, sickness, wooziness coming in waves. Lasts about 20 minutes

Stage 2: Colors, etc., when closing my eyes.

Stage 3: The pressing and crushing. I’ve seen described here people talking about breakthrough experiences when vaping, and I took these to be similar to that. It was the feeling of psychologically trying to “break through” something. That you need to “pop through” and then it will stop. There’s also a humming going on with that.

Stage 4: A serene period where thoughts and feelings resolve into “visions” and insights.

In my first trip, Stage 3 was relatively minor. Stage 4 was very uplifting. I ended up in a golden room at a golden pool, and it was like my consciousness had dissolved into the liquid in the pool and what was left of me (dressed in sort of Roman bath-house diapers!) standing there, free of all psychic/emotional pain, problems, troubles. It was like my personality had turned to liquid, all the bad stuff had vented away, and I was left like a sort of “god” who could live free of any difficulty. I had the realization that I would be able to create this in myself anytime in the future by simply “dropping” whatever pain I had. The idea was that pain is a problem only because we actually cling to it.

Trip 1 was a good experience, and although I felt I didn’t really “make the most of it” through inexperience, still it was positive. The days following were filled with bliss and serenity.

Before getting on to Trip 2 I need to present the problem: I do have somewhat elevated blood pressure. I don’t take meds for it, because I know the cure is in getting in better shape, but…

So, I happen to have some enalapril from a time when one of my dogs was ill, and I’ve thought I might make use of that to make tripping a bit safer. Also, the decision to go Friday night was an impulse. I had thought about it earlier in the week (and BTW, I also have a light cold—and so I thought I should put it off). Then things started to go kinda downhill. I ground the shrooms and took 20 mg of enalapril, but my BP wasn’t going down. I realized I didn’t have lemon/lime, so I had to go to the store. And then for the next two hours I’m constantly checking my BP, and it’s not going down—and even getting higher: once it was 158/109! And I’m frustrated that I ground the shrooms but I’m not using them, and they’ll go bad…
Finally, BP got down to 13x/89, and I figured I was at a safe level. But I was also hyped by then, rushed, etc. Just a BAD PLACE to start from (and in the back of my mind was fear that BP was even higher than usual).

Well…

Trip 2 had a stage 3 like a bulldozer—a galaxy sized bulldozer. It felt like the entire universe was sitting on my face, and I knew (or thought I knew) that I had to “let go,” but each time I did that a little, it felt like what I was going to be letting go of was my life. I just felt physically bad and, because of my inexperience, I couldn’t be sure whether it was “just the trip” or that my body was hurting. I struggled through that, but it was tough: I was taking a serious beating that I couldn’t get away from. Also, when my eyes were closed it was obvious that a BIG light show was in store for me, but that ALSO required “letting go,” and I couldn’t let it happen…

On to stage 4…

I thought maybe the worst was over, but I wasn’t aware of how strong things were going to get. I ended up sort of in the same “room” again but…oh my; things were different. First of all, I was in there whether my eyes were opened or closed. I could sort of see my room with my eyes open, but it wasn’t different from “the” room—or vice versa. I really couldn’t tell. And what was in that room with me was NOTHING. The big nothing. And I was quickly becoming nothing. I was just going out like a flame—except, not completely. There was a tiny bit of me left, and that bit was just some shitty, worthless piece of my ego. And it was HELL. I was trapped in this room, and either I was going to be trapped there for ETERNITY as a worthless piece of shit, or DIE stupidly, as a worthless piece of shit, or get out of it and then have to LIVE as a worthless piece of shit. I felt like the whole of me was so completely small and worthless that ALL LIFE was just a stupid cosmic joke. The room was so VOID and SILENT, and there was nothing of VALUE to seek or grasp, including myself—and man was I trapped there.

Also this time the room wasn’t golden, it was a very stark white. And I got up to try to move around, and walked around my house, and it looked like some stark and naked FACTORY, with a friggin WHITE SEARCHLIGHT shining down on me wherever I went. It was so stark and naked and bare—it’s difficult to express.

So, I did think I was dying. Yet, I could walk around easily, and I didn’t feel “anything” in my body. I had this the first trip, too—my body feels so light and free. But in a way it’s scary because it makes me feel like I’m out of touch—so I won’t be aware if there’s a problem.

The main thing though, was that there practically was no “me.” Here I am, walking around, etc., and I’m hardly there—just some tiny remnants of something keeping my mind alive. Finally, sometimes there was nothing at all—and the feeling of losing everything. And it seemed to be getting worse. That’s when I got on the nexus. It seemed like it took me forever to find the damn chat link…

While I’m on the nexus I’m trying to take my BP with a wrist monitor—but I now also can’t really get my body to work right, and that has me worried, too. I first got a high reading (170/110 or something), then a couple of minutes later I tried again, and got an ERROR—like…it means your heart is beating irregularly. That was BAD. That’s when I started talking about whether I should call 911. A little while later I tried again, and it gave a reasonable reading, so I thought I was OK. I started to come down just a bit (somebody suggested sugar—and I found powdered sugar in a cabinet and poured about a cupful in a glass put some water in and drank, LOL). Somebody also suggested hydration, and I DID realize then I was quite thirsty; so I drank a lot of water, too. I still felt horrible, though.

Fifteen minutes later it was clear I was probably gonna be OK…
So…it took at least another hour to come down to some REASONABLE place—and even after that, waves of…something…maybe anxiety, came over me, along with tripping sort of experiences/feelings.

I’m sitting at the very same place now, typing this, and I’m getting chills and nausea just thinking through it again.

Insights:

I came away from this with two genuine insights—not mere thoughts.

1) The most nearly WHOLLY STUPID thing one can do is allow their health to degrade from simple carelessness and neglect. From now on, taking care of my body/health is going to be my MAIN concern.

2) I feel only like loving now. There are two ways to interact with someone: some bullshit ego nonsense, or love; and that’s it. I just hate ego now. Any creature who comes within my domain will be loved—however best I can do it.

Future plans:

I’m not going to go again for at LEAST a few weeks, that much is sure. When I do it will be back to low doses, so that I can take the time to master this process, and have an understanding of what’s going on, and whether bad feelings are coming from the trip, or actually from an unhealthy physical state. I might also consider trying to score some propranolol, instead of the enalapril (which shouldn’t really be taken in the manner I’ve taken it). But mostly, I’m going to begin a proper food and exercise regimen in a dedicated manner. I figure when I can run a half mile or so, full out, and not be gasping for breath, then I can take trips without fear for my health (assuming my BP is gonna be where it should be). It’s gonna be awhile. There’ll be no high dose trips for me until then—unless I can sort things out through lose doses, that let me know I’ll be OK.

Prologue:

I felt generally OK today. Took a couple of long walks (I’m a little wired and a little dissociated, sort of). But here’s something REALLY WEIRD: I’ve had to go to a couple of stores today, and no fewer than THREE PEOPLE (two women and one man), strangers just passing by in the store, looked at me full on and BEAMED like “Oh! It’s Santa Claus! Hi Santa, how are you?” or maybe “There’s the guy who ate the mushrooms and went to hell so our sins could be forgiven.” I have to say that the three people today are probably more than in my ENTIRE life—where strangers felt compelled to spontaneously beam like that at me in a public place. Sure, people I know, or are about to meet can do that. But never strangers—particularly since I don’t invite it: I usually ignore strangers—too lost in my own thoughts. Many people have told me I’m intimidating, because of my seriousness and intensity.

Something about me has obviously changed a GREAT DEAL.

...and again, thanks for nexus chat and people willing to help a lost soul !

Awesome trip report, man! Sounds like you were faced with some incredible difficulties. However, I think it's obvious that the profound, positive insights you gained about personal health and "ego v.s. love" in human interactions makes the experience entirely worthwhile. For some of us who imbibe with psychedelics, such insights are not always gained by way of undergoing cosmic-bliss experiences.

Im wondering, you say you grew your own PE strain which is great but was this your first time using mushrooms in general? I grew one batch of PE and felt like this strain is not the greatest (expecially for a beginer). The personal head space can be very intense and they seem to have for me anyway a really long self reflection phase (which is what makes mushrooms a medicine IMO but I don't really care for it) Another thing I would like to say is that (and im sure you already know this) when using psychedellics, your thoughts always will progress which means having bad thoughts or being too worried like checking your blood pressure before and during tripping is probably one of the reasons why it was spiking. In the future if you feel like your heading in the same direction, try watching a colourful cartoon movie which can completly reverse the situation IME.

Also i'd suggest trying other strains such as amazons which seem to make me laugh alot on 1-3 grams


thanks for the read bro

Life is sacred, requardless of belief. Sometimes it takes a little death to really know this. It always feels nice when you realize you will see another day. Often times we just take each day for granted.

This is something that I think all serious psychedelic explorers face. I dont really believe the people that write up these reports about how they take really huge doses all the time and dont get these same feelings washing over them. You learn to deal with it and work through it but you dont become immune IME, ever.

What I think is really going on is that with these psychedelics, and tryptamines especially(mescaline does this to much lesser degree for me) is that you go into a high energy state. Interprete that how you like. It's about dealing with much higher levels of energy flowing through the nervous system than we are used to. The sensory aspect alone is just ramped up compared to what we normally experience.

This is why just "letting go" for me is not really realistic in the sense that people talk about it..for me dealing with a high energy state like that means having techniques for cultivating that energy, and bringing it into a state of coherance.

Bring a drum, flute, rattles, be ready to sing..fresh flowers, inscents and candles on your alter..good soothing music..scented body oils even..pictures of loved one..beautiful stones..have some plants in the room..nice art on the walls..blankets and pillows..always always have some juice and water on hand..as a drop in blood sugar can be normal when taking most psychoactive substances and can contribute to the uncomfortable feelings IME. I would even say maybe get a space heater man..mushrooms and ayahuasca both can make me really cold and I hate tripping and shivering.

I cant believe that some people do this kind of work without a mesa or alter of some sort..

You dont have to believe in spirts or spiritual ideas, but I think that often people throw away the whole idea of shamanism and end up missing on some of the best techniques developed for facilitating this type of work. A psychedelic state can be like a large band trying to play a symphony, and if you dont know how to conduct that is not going to go over too well.

I think that often people turn to eastern idealogies surrounding buddhism and meditation etc..and while these all have roots in early forms of shamanism(and likely some kind of psychoactives) they are not really the best modalities to be applied to all circumstances when it comes to psychedeics IME..the shamans are the true masters at this and have developed the techniques that work over many thousands of years. Rythm is always essential..whenever people freak out they go off into states of complete incoherance..rythm brings us back into coherance.

Here is a really great talk with Kathlene Harrison called "weaving modern ritual from traditional roots"..there is a lot of useful stuff in here. Of course she gets into animism and plants as beings and allies etc but really it does not matter that a person believes that..all that matters is the intentions you put into the experience, and into the space. Kathlene talks a lot about "sacred time" here as well which I think is a valuable concept..that these psychedelic states for us happen outside of our normal daily time and that should be honored and respected.. and this does not need a literal interpretation to still be a valuable and insightful approach to take towards these sorts of experiences.

http://www.matrixmasters.net/salon/?cat=134

I've always enjoyed being there to help people through bad trips. I don't quite know why I enjoy it so much, I just feel like I get satisfaction out of helping. I'm glad your ok and even more happy you were able to walk away from a bad trip with good insight. Awesome man pure awesome.

I think set and setting played a major role in the type of experience you had. Number one, you were worried about your blood pressure the whole time before and during your trip. I find that if you have anything you need to pay attention to, it's gonna cause problems. You shouldn't have any attachments or responsibilities. You also rushed going in, like you said about not having the lemon or lime. Take your time to set everything up, plan ahead of time with everything you need.

I also think its a good idea to plan an activity as the set. For instance, what are you going to be doing? Just sitting there? Walking? I have a fire table that makes things real nice. We light it before the first effects come on and then it requires no maintenance and is safe. Having the fire table as the "goto" helps. If I wander off and start feel those negative vibes I can retreat to my safe activity, standing around the fire table. And skittles. Skittles are amazing while tripping. Seriously.

Love and happiness my friend. I'm glad you were able to have this experience and hope many more are in your future. Be safe and let us know how your doing.

I think I have been to very similar places with regards to the limbo stage of feeling like you need to break through, but can't quite make it. It's like the full force of the veil is pressing down on your very confused and disoriented mind. I have only experienced this with Ayahuasca and mushrooms. Glad to hear you soldiered on through the onslaught and it has had positive effects.

One other thing... You are right about the goofing. Sometimes being too doctor or carer-like when someone is having a bad trip can only make it worse, a bit of goofing can really make the whole situation a lot less serious. As someone once told me: 'thank f*ck, a new material guy!', I knew exactly what he meant.

zapped17: I completely agree. From my experience so far, there are insights and lessons from any sort of experience. It's totally wrong to just write-off a "bad experience" as something to forget.

astralspice: Yes, this is my first time with mushrooms. I probably would have been better to choose "regular" cubes--if only because there's so much more information about them. Good idea about the cartoon, etc. I'm gonna bookmark some interesting/lighthearted/joyful stuff on youtube that I could go to. And of course you're correct: I had a bad set, and it went bad from there.

jamie: I agree with you--the ideas from Buddhism don't seem extremely well applied to psychedelic trips. However, they DID seem to have value in interpreting and thinking about some aspects. You are SPOT ON about all the practical things--my house was quite warm, but I did feel like I was freezing my butt off. I had the SINGLE blanket on my bed, but it wasn't enough. I'm going to construct a "trip kit" now, and a critical component will be some good juices, etc. I'm also gonna consider what might be some pleasant objects I could have on hand. I also completely agree that one needs to develop SOME WAY to think about things/put things in perspective/just HANDLE the things that come up. That "feeling you're gonna die" is very difficult to just ignore; I feel I need to "tackle" it, somehow. One way for me is surely going to be trying to learn (in addition to experience) from lower dose experiences before I try a higher one again.

anrchy: you did a good job. It was GREAT to feel you were there constantly trying to help. And, as I said above, there's no question that things started out wrong with my attitude and set up, etc. Not gonna make that mistake again. The idea of the fire table is VERY interesting.

Orion: Yup, the goofing was nearly as good as the serious help. I just wanted to CONTACT people to know I wasn't alone and...disconnected from everything. Things could have really gone...bad...if I hadn't been able to get on chat--even for those few minutes.

Thanks to everyone for their help. I will repeat one thing though: For me, a central thing is getting in really good "cardio" shape (just took a brisk 3 mile walk an hour ago). If I do lots of cardio, and put my system to the TEST, I will have a built-in "repudiation" for those feelings of "gonna die," because I will know that my heart/arteries should be able to take it, and those are essentially the only PHYSICAL things one should have to be concerned about as "risks."

Nice Report man
Glad you made it out safe

Yep!

The good ole void room, she's still there eh.
Great therapy room, "nothing" can be too much for us when truly confronted.
Try to embed some of that room-energy into the hearth

The room were everything dissolves into nothing
Panic room