Writing this out was good for me to get thoughts solid. If anyone cares to read it and give me their thoughts on what I'm going through I appreciate it. Can use any help any ideas at this point in my life.

Ok. I've been having a really hard time acclimating to society. I'm trying to look at everything going on with me from an unbiased, scientific, and honest perspective. The physical aspect of how unhealthy I was in my addiction seems very hard to break. Ill be doing good for a couple weeks, eating healthy, good sleep patterns, meditating, Kundalini yoga, and hit a road bump and feel back where I started. Having an INCREDIBLY hard time with exercise, motivation seems nonexistent. I feel like I'm putting all this work in, which is hard, comparatively unrewarding to instant gratification, and doesn't seem to pick up momentum. The positive effects dont even seem measurable. Its VERY disheartening and at this point I'm stagnant in any positive developments.

I 'relapsed' and have been depressed the past few weeks. Synthetic cannabinoids (2 weekend sessions), DXM (1 use), Heroin (1 use), Kratom (~5 times 2 weeks). All except the synthetic cannabinoids have been used to block out intensely negative feelings. Relapse seems like such a relative term to me after using these drugs with a (more) clear head than ever before. All 'drugs' seemed lumped into a single category. I don't know anyone who understands this as relates to addiction, so I don't know how to approach anyone about this. My counselor is a Buddhist (reason I picked him) and has some good ideas, but mainly just listens to me and looks confused. I also feel that I react very differently to certain chemicals than the majority of people. I am aware this could be a justification to use certain substances.

I have been smoking synthetic cannabinoids since yesterday. 1g of blend which I'm about to finish before I post this, to help me edit. It seems to have really reset me. My lingering depression seems to have completely left me. At this point I don't know what to do or how to begin piecing my fragmented life together. I'm having a hard time getting a job, (have never really had one, other than selling drugs). Social anxieties play into this. I'm also having great difficulty structuring my life in a positive way. I wonder if perhaps I need to be in a structured environment to help re program my negative life patterns. I'll get more in depth later.

I'm currently working with 3 gurus, whom I've distanced myself from since my relapse. One's a Zen Buddhist who has been practicing for ~40 years and who's mentor was Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche. Another is a Sikh with ~15 years experience who has practiced with Yogi Bhajan. Another is a woman who is very well-established in the metaphysical community who see's a much bigger piece of the entire picture than most people and helps people in many different aspects of life. I had an interesting and eventful psychadelic assisted spiritual awakening ~6 months ago which made me want to clean up for the first time in my life.
I believe that I have an awareness that most people don't. I believe myself to be very clairsentient. I think in 'feelings' which words can be pulled out of and articulated into complete thoughts. I have very little 'mental chatter' unless I 'articulate it' in my head. I even dream (very rarely do I remember it though) in feeling, no visuals, just a very clear feeling of what happened to me in the dream state. This 'feeling' which I think in tends to stay very metaphysical, and I have a hard time grounding in physical reality. I've been having a very hard time with my thought process. It seems abrupt, not at all flowing. It has added to my social anxieties tremendously. When I add synthetic cannabinoids to my brain chemistry everything seems to flow so effortlessly.

Do certain chemicals have a place in my life right now? I think that I can pull things from the hallucinogenic plane to the physical plane in a way most cant. The quote in my signature was something I just read today that resonated very deeply. Having a hard time with all this, hope this is coming across as coherent and I don't sound completely crazy.

Now to try and do my best to get both options currently presented to me out onto paper.

Attempted balancing - I have the option to move out of my halfway house, stay with some friends I've made. Though this has been quite amorphous lately and I'm not sure what the exact path I would take with this route is yet. We wrote up house rules today. Smoking weed 2 times a week, psychedelic drugs 2 times a month. I fear that my lack of self control in the past is a physical and mental habituation, which could cause this experiment to spiral out of control. I also think it's a possibility that some of the revelations I might unearth in my psychonaut practices may not be understood by the people I would have them with, and subsequently I may have a hard time building positively upon it.

I came to this realization under the influence of synthetic cannabinoids this afternoon, along with some other intriguing thoughts. Ancient Aliens was the only thing on TV and it was interesting observing what was happening to my thought process while watching it. Seemed so complex. So exact though. Around the same time this afternoon I was talking to my friend about living with him and how it would go down. After talking to him about how we'd be extracting DMT in the apartment.. he walked into the kitchen. He began to quote Notorious BIG by saying "F*ck it, I didn't want to go to heaven anyways" Multiple times. Seemed out of context for him. On top of the thought process I was already in the middle of it really messed me up. Energies seem to move in such unexplainable and subtle ways. I have a hard time distinguishing between normal and paranormal quite often. Seems to be made up of an entirely grey area.

Period of extended abstinence - This was my original idea. Year of intense physical and spiritual reconditioning prior to re-exposure to chemicals. I was planning on taking a vow to stay as a monk in a Buddhist temple for a year. Wake up every day at 6am, meditate ~6 hours a day, many other responsibilities. Well my teacher wanted to see continuity before he allows me to take this vow. I have been having a very hard time showing continuity, and broke any semblance of it with this relapse. I have been avoiding talking to him. I am having a near impossible time of structuring my life in a positive way. My old habits seem so engrained. I feel like I'm using it as an excuse, and hate saying it, but I'm unsure about my ability to recondition without externally imposed structure.

I know that a period of abstinence would be the most positive for my overall life experience. Likely allowing me to get alot more out of my endeavors. Physical, and metaphysical. I keep finding myself wanting to take an easier route though. Its like the longer I am away from structure, the more wiggle room I find reason to work with. I want to overcome addiction, and also be able to use certain chemicals.

At this point I don't know what path to choose. If anyone has any ideas on ways I could get essentially re programed, I'd love to hear them. Current ideas are; attempt to take year long monk vow, travel to India and participate in Monk-for-a-month program, Narcanon long term Scientology rehab, and possibly walk Appalachian trail. Or go move into an apartment and try to figure it out.

Thanks for taking the time to read my rant. Trying to do what I can to give back instead of take for the rest of my life. Appreciate any ideas anyone has on my current situation. Felt comfortable posting this here with the attitude. Peace.

I know where you are coming from bro, addiction,

The road to life is a Rocky Plain

Getting back into everyday life is very difficult, it seems with me that i know the difference now so its always there, i can always see it, i am always refocusing steering back on track.

Do not beat yourself up about relapse, it really makes it worse, cause truth be told it may happen again.
Just try again bro for longer.

You will need to find something else, writing, painting, travel ?

Know your strongest Temptations.

If you could give everything up that would be AWESOME,
but that would be the toughest path BUT it would really put you in control.

You Can Always post thoughts here if you do not have time to tell others.


Getting some kind of routine is essential even if its doing Dishes or washing your face something you have to do EACH DAY.


Have you ever seen the dvd the secret, it is a very fancy idea, but has loads of ways to empower yourself in keeping positive.

With exercise like life BRO, you will have an awesome week were you will go hard every time and then you will have two three weeks were you could not even be bothered getting out of bed LOL,
but it is these pressing times that if we *breakthrough we gain ten fold.


I hear my self in a lot you say.
I am planning a trip to south america that is keeping me focused when i get OFF track.


I do not think swapping chemicals is a good idea, But treating yourself is a reward, SO long as you can say NO!
EDIT: There is Nothing wrong with getting high, so long as it isn't your life.

You will find your path BROTHER.

There is NO path to Peace; Peace is the Path.

You shall be victorious.

Appreciate the kind words.

Have you thought at all about Ibogaine?

Good luck to you and I believe that you will find yourself again my friend.

Yes I've thought about Ibogaine. Would love to use it. The flood dose I'd need to purchase costs about ~300 dollars from the source I've looked into. I don't know if doing it without a 'guide' would be a good idea. If anyone has any first hand experience with Ibogaine I'd love to hear about it. If I could find a reliable and affordable way to take Ibogaine in the right environment that would be amazing.

The best advice i can give is this:

1. Eat a high protein diet,balanced with complex carbs and fresh fruits/ vegetables.
2. Weight train 3 times a week, aerobics each other day, 1 day rest. Have hot relaxing baths.
3. Get a job.
4. Dump those "Gurus", develop your own self beliefe through your own actions.
5. Refrain from taking any more drugs. Why do you need them, what's really up with you?

You need to eat good in order to have the energy to train good, which helps build self confidence whilst releasing endorphines and breaking down stress hormones. This means you are much less likely to crave anything cos you will feel calm and relaxed afterwards.
A job is good for your self esteem and will occupy your time. In good time you will find the right job for you.
Forget gurus, be your own boss!
No more drugs whilst you need to sort your shit out, and only when you have health and fitness and a job should you "consider" some kinda therapeutic possibility if you need it.

Life is hard for most of us, but we need to play our part. Once you have sorted yourself out and amassed some savings, then you can consider your higher ideals. Just bear with it, like everyone else has to. We all suffer from life!

Perhaps now is a good time to write down some goals and decide on the life you want to live. Body for life is an excellent book for people who need to get out of a rut and improve their body and mind at the same time.

I hope this helps.

You will do what you WANT to do - I have been addicted to heroin for 30 years and now take breaks with the aid of methadone, I have a job, family, kids etc and to look at me you would never know, It took 20 years to get to this position and Ive been in the hell hole of deepest addiction. I choose to take it as it makes me feel normal, stops depression and obviously get a beautiful high from it BUT if you are young you have a choice, Im extremely lucky to be here and believe im here for a purpose - of which I know not what it is.

Life is like a river you can flow down it, get off and stand on the bank or fight to get up stream the decision is yours.