(It has taken me a long time to write out the second part of this experience, to put into words the realizations and to process what actually happened to me. This is as close as I could get....)
The fear of being absorbed in the scuttling wholeness,
the vastness, the white-light...
...is great. The holding-me-together, the fear when my boundaries are dissolved so fully... I-thou dissolution, ego-death - I hadn’t realized the breadth of you.
Fear at the beauty, of the all-pervasive oneness, fear to join the Multitudinous Deep. Fear of surrender, a terror rises at the giving up on the holding to self. Fear of becoming a part of the Great Mysterious OTHER. Or, rejoining it.
What is self, then?
A synthesis of disparate threads,
woven loosely in a self-referential manner.
Ah, go ahead, then. Be done with it!
Erase me! Erase me.
In saying “yes” to that single instant, a “yes” was given to my involvement in the eternal unwinding and infinite “NOW”.
(So then, as I was in tears over the fractious nature of my thoughts, deafening and repetitious, the words shattering over one-another as they all came in waves, in cycles of flanged sentences...
...my tears were shown to me as the tears of the earth-mother, of all living things and of all things who have felt how I feel now; of those who have been given this perspective on the impermanence of life and the eternity of being... there was a river of tears flowing along the canals of the Milky Way, and there was an intimation of an ancient secret: sorrow is the only constant, the only break-tide to the onslaught of eternality; it is the sole response of all Spirits to their own non-permanence in the face of the Vast Unending Being-ness - and so did flow my tears...
... and then, kissed by some angel I must have been - the Woman of My Heart must have roused something in me, and I realized! Something connected, the disparate cords were suddenly linked into a blooming nexus. I suddenly saw very clearly (Alhamdulillah for such moments of clarity!) how what I was feeling was, in fact, Love. I realized that all the myriad emotions, the waves of tender impressions, the interactions, the touches, the strife and violence, the hope, the hate, the hurt... All is Love. I saw, very clearly (alhamdulillah!), that there is nothing apart from anything else, there is no I-thou, there is no time, and especially there is no such thing as WHAT - there is only this one eternal moment-
and I said “Yes”.
بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم
Fairly responsible Kratom user.
"whenever he drank ayahuasca, he had such beautiful visions that he used to put his hands over his eyes for fear somebody might steal them."
in between the grinding-brakes of a train crash while aluminum-foil robots make obnoxious sex noises on a static-filled walkie-talkie radio.