I haven't felt like myself for quite some time, I'm not sure why, I'm not sure if it's due to my growing up as a human being, or just the apalling situation we are in globally, as a species.

I can't remember the last time I felt comfortable about anything in my life, lately it's been a rollercoaster between normalcy and downward spiralling into an unimagineable abyss of unknowing and fear. Fear of my future, our future, the unknown, where I've left myself, where I'm really going.

I'm starting to feel as if growing and expanding on my individuality is what's supposed to happen to all of us, and its just that some of us are aware of the changes as they occur, while the rest of us ignore the mind, occupy our time with materialism, and will only register the change when we truly cross the line, of humaness and into the hallways of the astral imagination.

I'm not entirely sure where I'm going in my life, it seems so stupid that human culture holds me down to the god damned machine, working 5 days a week, feeding off the media, the boob tube, newspapers, media, all the other malarky they can think to shove down our throats. I mean where's the room for mystery and that acceptance of the endless plenum of being we all know about?

I feel at a great loss, and disappointment for our species, like what's stopping us from turning the planet around and creating the perfect paradise that we all know can be created? It's simply, the people in charge are in fact, naive, dumb, imagination-impaired, if you will.

I said this the last time I took mushhroms, "What on Earth, are we doing on Earth?" It seems like, some sort of global destiny is beginning to unfold, for all of the species, and it requires a certain type of unawareness and unconsiousness amongst the majority to really register this radical change. Where are we doing in life, and what are we really doing?

I've had my heart set on one girl for about 4 years now, and lately we've had a falling out, it ended up with me having to go to court because I kept calling her, trying to apologize for how unfairly I treated her. No I didn't hit her, never laid a hand on her, I would NEVER.. but I had said some nasty things when I ended up drinking alcohol, too much, and she eventually had enough, and now I haven't spoken to her since I was arrested for it, October 28th, and it's just adding to my misery. I go to court tomorrow to hear my fate, and to see if I'll ever have that oppourtunity to apologize to her. She was the one thing holding me down to this life, keeping me so strong, so alive, she awakened my soul and opened up my heart, I really love her to death, she is one of THOSE girls, one of those girls that.. are irreplaceable.

I've learnt from my mistsakes, I'm hoping to be given another chance, from the other side, to make things right with her, and show her the real me, the sides of me she knows are there but I hadn't brought out for so long. Kiarra.. even her name is beautiful. I'm one of those people, that isn't truly alive until I've got an angel by my side..

That's my dillemna, dealing with the fate of our species, the direction of our planet, the heartache of this wonderful girl, the future I may or may not have with her, (I hope this silence between us doesn't last forever..), and just where I feel myself going. I just feel on stand still right now.

I've been hoping to get inside the nexus for quite some time, still seems like I've got some fancy posting to do before I get accepted into the depths and illuminated hallways of the forum, maybe one day soon.

Where is my innate nature, my satisfaction of being, my understanding of self and others, where on earth did everything go?

I found myself looking up at the stars, at this spot I go to by this river, and I cried, and cried, calling out to life to give me a chance, to help me, to show me and guide me, I've been going to this spot for quite some time, praying and seeking help, and, something different happened tonight. On the way home from this spot, I seen a shooting star, not just a quick one, a very long one, and it must have lasted 3 seconds, it was bright, and so beautiful. I took that as my sign, that tomorrow, things will get rolling again, back to where they belong, I'll have my mind beside me, my special girl beside me, and the universal truth knocking at my door again, like it always had...

..Life, don't let me down. Don't let any of us down..

I've been trying so hard.