I'd like to recall a bad LSD experience I had when I first started exploring psyhcedelics. I wrote a detailed trip report about 10 years ago on a notepad. I was 16 at the time.
At the time, I had 4 experiences with LSD which were all very eyeopening and changed the way I looked at life. I overdid it this time. Even rewriting it now brings flashbacks which give me shivers.
Be warned: It is long.
I overdid it with some blotter I expected to be of lesser potency. I took 4 tabs, which i thought would not be extremely intense, considering the last batch I had dosed up to 7 at one time and had an incredible experience.
Fast forward 90 minutes I'm coming up fast. Too fast. I grow very uncomfortable in my space. I had the feeling that I wanted to get out of my body. My skin was crawling. Everything is too real.
Obviously if it's this intense now, an hour from now I could not have imagined. The effects continued to grow stronger very fast until I was peaking now. I hated the space I was in. I wanted to get out! Fear and Loathing was playing on the big screen. It is my favorite movie of all time, and while I was enjoying it, I could not immerse myself in the movie because of my pressing mental distractions. My insecurities were put right in front of me, there were things in my life that I knew I needed to deal with. It was good that I learned those things, but in the mental state I was in, I was freaked out by these problems in my life and had no way to deal with them at that moment.
Now I have never been suicidal before in my life but at that moment of time it would have been justified. If I had a little less self control, I may have convinced myself it was the right decision. I was not afraid of death anymore. Death would only allow me to finally escape this body of mine and dissolve into the universe, the ultimate release. And what's death ultimatly in the grand scheme of things. Just another journey.
I managed to have enough control in that state not to do so, I still had a small capacity for judgment and was able to momentarily distract myself from this horrible trip by smoking herb. I ended up smoking almost my whole sac. It was hardly a conscious thing, it was really just all I knew to do right then. The cannabis intensified the trip and made things even more hectic.
I realized that all i was doing was trying to avoid the trip, when in reality I need to face it. The first thing I needed to do was get out of that space. NOW!
So I go outside for a cigarette. I have a moment of clarity. The trip was what I make of it and I needed to make it positive. Only one problem..
SHIT!! I left my keys and my cellphone in my apartment. Now it is 330 AM and I am in the hood. I am alone and I am peaking on LSD. I have REAL problems. Somebody help me. I felt so regressed, like I was acting on instincts and basic survival skills. Not to mention all I'm wearing are sweatpants, sandals, and a leather jacket.
I start walking in the direction of a Mobil gas station that is open 24 hours. Now it's impossible to convey how real and frightening this experience was. Especially the fact that I was hearing shit and seeing shit that may have very well been real. There was a group of hooded people across the street. Are they looking at me?
I get to the Mobil to find nobody is working there. There is a blonde kid about 18 years of age. I tell him I got locked out of my apartment I need help can I use your cellphone. I call the only number I can remember. My dads phone number. No answer. Call again. No answer.
I tell the kid
Me: you need to give me a ride! I need help!
Him: No I can't give a ride to a stranger.
Me: Please help me you must!
The kid was afraid. I realized then that I was the aggressor, and apologized. I wasn't used to the tone I was speaking in. I realized that my mental state leaves a great possibility of me getting arrested tonight.
I started to cry. I was in hell. I was having schizophrenic like delusions. I thought I was going to get arrested, or die.
An hour of wandering that felt like an eternity brought me to the IHOP! IHOP was my savior. Not only are they open 24 hours, but they have a working telephone. Attempting to communicate through the frequencies..
I finally contact my dad and tell him what happened. And that I need help. He gave me a ride back to my apartment and brought the spare key. I'm so grateful that he helped me out that night because I seriously felt that if I was left to roam the streets until daybreak, my actions would have caused me to get arrested. Plain and simple. I get back into my apartment. Raol Duke is rushing Gonzo to the airport. "I haven't missed a flight yet." Relief, I'm home safe.
I'll try to convey the mental state I had crossed into:
Breaking into a car was not out of reach. Neither was breaking into a building to use a phone. I would have ran from the police if I had to and attacked anybody that posed a threat to me. I felt like I could not be held accountable for my actions at that time, everything was just way past that.
Looking back on this experience sober caused me to take quite a few months off from using any psychedelics. It is a very important experience that I had. People who have not had bad trips really can't understand how REAL and TERRIFYING it can be, especially when you are put into a situation where you must rely on your instincts to survive.
I am very grateful to have had this experience. It taught me to be a lot more self-disciplined, and have greater control over my life. For two days following the trip, I had very bad depression. I felt like the world I was living in was fake. I was also experiencing the sensation of spirits following me over my shoulder. I repeatedly would look over my shoulder and experience paranoia. I was worried it would persist, but a week later I was 100% normal.
I have taken LSD quite a bit since, and I now know my limit. Whenever I get a new batch I am always cautious. I know the potential for that mental state is there if I embrace it, but it's really important to have self control and know that my actions have consequences. What sounds like a good idea right then may not be the best idea logically, but it can be very convincing and it can be scary how easy it is to be swayed sometimes.
TLDR - locked myself outside apartment while peaking on acid, lost my judgment, mind was beyond being responsible for my actions. eye of the tiger.