I’m at some cross roads in life right now and need some advice.

The background:

1. I have a very spiritual/philosophical nature and have a great appreciation for the use of Entheogens to explore one self.

2. I’ve worked at a natural health organization for the past few years consoling people on various herbs/vitamins and how to live. I’ve enjoyed this very much and health/fitness/holistic ideals have become my passion.

3. This organization and acting as a “pseudo pharmacist” has lead me to a path in pharmacology and chemistry. I have a great aptitude for science and am very close to getting my associates in biology.

4. I’ve recently been dating a girl who is gorgeous, smart, has a good job, and would make a great partner for the long term. I have a tendency to get bored with girls shortly after dating and usually break up with them due to this. The fact that I feel so strongly about her is saying a lot. She was also a virgin when I met her at her at the age of mid 20’s. I took her virginity which given the fact that she waited so long indicates to me that she feels very strongly about me as well.


The Conflict:

1. I’ve recently started a job as a pharmacy technician and am picking it up very quickly but I HATE IT. After being around the natural mindset and the pharmaceutical western way of thinking I can tell you it with 100% conviction that western medicine is a cancer that is destroying us. Customers at the pharmacy are rude, snappy, and hateful. Customers at the health association were happy, friendly, bright, alive, and compassionate. Of course both sects have variance but these are very real generalizations.

2. The above mentioned girl is very strongly Christian which personally is a religion I have many objections towards. She is pushing me to pursue a career in the medical field. When I met her, this is what I wanted but since my recent experiences at the pharmacy I know that this is something that I no longer want. She is also very ingrained in the material world. She likes things like going out with big groups of friends, dancing, social drinking (nothing heavy), etc. I find myself disgusted with these types of events as I get older and view participation in them like I’m a tool in the system. This has created a conflict for us. She knows that I’m into health and herbs and stuff but that’s as far as it goes. She doesn’t know anything about my spiritual practice with Entheogens. I feel like honestly is very important and that she deserves the right to know but am having a hard time telling her.

3. I have the desire to pursue a major in dietetics. The school where this major is offered is about an hour and a half away in a beautiful nature dominated area of the US. I’m drawn to it like a fat kid to cake. My girlfriend has a major objection to this because of the distance that would be between us. I have had a long distance relationship previously and it really is very hard. It’s something I have no desire to do again. My girlfriend is taking every opportunity to get me to pursue a major that can be obtained locally.


The Questions:

1. I’m torn between eastern and western medical mindsets with society pushing me to the western and my spirit pulling me to the eastern. Which do I follow?

2. My girlfriend is “perfect” from the western perspective. She is literally gorgeous (looks like Barbie), smart, fun, social, pure, innocent, and has a great job making good money but the core of our beings don’t match up. She is materialistic and I am spiritual. I need some opinions here. Try to change her? Am I just repeating my pattern of being with a girl for awhile and looking for an excuse to leave?

3. Any other thoughts on my situation will be greatly appreciated.

I don't know what to tell you about your eastern/western conflict. I can very easily relate, and so you shouldn't necessarily do what I'm about to say, but ideally I would be cheering you on for an eastern philosophy career. If you're serious about this girl, then you should probably let her in on your entheogenic use. Hiding it can only make it worse later when the truth comes out. If you tell her and she can't live with it, then perhaps you're less compatible than you thought and you'll only be going down a street with a dead end ahead. If you tell her about it, let her know how significant they are to you and why. Let her in on some of your more important experiences and what made them so positively beneficial and why they are valid. Best of luck.

Thats what I think as well. You shouldn't keep secrets like that from your partner... because you are hiding a big part of you and she does have the right to know. If she is cool with it and can come into terms with it, shes a keeper and then you should make some sacrifices to be with her. However, if she wants to change that part of you and it is unacceptable for her, I think you are not compatible at all. I think its that thought in your head that you got the prize winning girl(society ingrained that in you) and you are afraid of losing her and not finding that kind of girl again... Be honest and straight with compassion and see how it turns out. I highly recommend for you explain it to her out in nature in a metaphorical view point and speak with passion.

Purple dye, you will have to leave her for someone else if it's like this. Otherwise you may be able to perhaps TRY to help her see your point of view.

--Thats all there is to it mate.

As you grow older and run out of fun secrets and the dates get old you will need something to keep you connected. Long term goals and aspirations and a desire to grow are an important factor in a long term relationship. If you don't see yourself growing with you in this path you are on maybe it is better to look for other fish. But, you never know. She may be interested in what you have to say.

I myself am torn between wanting to live the "American dream" and a spiritual lifestyle. Perhaps this is why its so hard for me to talk with her about it. Because part of me does want a "conventional western" progression through life. I'm uncertain of what I want. I have a feeling that if we do break up that in the future I may see her as the one who got away.

Bill I think your thoughts on long term relationships are accurate. similar goals and outlooks are very important... something I think we lack.

Does anyone have any advice on how to go about bringing the topic of entheogens/spiritual practice up?

I was thinking about writing everything down in a word document and giving it to her?

-Perhaps a good way to break it to her would be to ask her if she heard of " The man who left his lover for a mushroom"...

I am in a similar predicament, minus the girlfriend. I will offer my advice.

If your core of your being wants to live a more natural, spiritual way, I say follow that route. Society is materialistic, and brainwashed. No offense but it sounds like your girlfriend is in that boat as well.

Stick with the herbs and love. I can't believe you are working as a Pharmacy Technician, I would be unable to distribute those poisons knowingly to people, too much on my conscience.

Follow the way markers my friend, the universe will show you what is what.

There are wise and helpful people at the Nexus, but the answers to your particular questions are in your own heart and mind.

"Absence diminishes mediocre passions and increases great ones".- Francois de la Rochefoucaud

I will only comment on what I know to be true here; if your hearts' leaning is not into getting a medical degree then ,IMO, you will find it an incredibly onorous undertaking.Its hard enough for those who wish to pursue this long path, whose hearts are intrigued with the human condition from a 'scientific' perspective.The pursuit of a medical career will have effects on your relationships as seeing death and misery day in and day out, plus the long hours, cannot fail to affect many aspects of your 'non-work' life.


Is it really any wonder that many doctors love a drink?

Good points, Corpus.

-Success in life should be measured in terms of living a life aligned closely to YOUR dreams and desires. To go against this is to diminish yourself.

-However, it is nice to have a pretty girlfriend, but with a different mindset??..mmmmmm

Christian - I'm not sure to what you refer when you say "The man who left his lover for a mushroom" .. is this a book or short story or something? or is it to be taken literally? I find that relationships have a tendency to steer me away from my ultimate path and kill my motivation.

Kronas - I think I need to meditate on what I consider my "core being" and develop a path based on my outcome. Yes, I now have much internal turmoil with my job and it irks me immensely. Something must be done. One positive from the experience is a well acquainted knowledge of their perspective and inner workings of this cancer known as western medicine.

arcanum - Solid advice. I'm going to take some time to think and write about my feelings and goals. Ill try to find contentment in this.

corpus callosum - Obtaining a medical degree is major commitment and I don't think its very likely to happen if there is no intrinsic motivation to do so. Can I ask what you do for a living?

is it fair for another to hold onto them while only being able to give half of yourself to them? Why wear masks for other people?..you sell yourself short, while at the same using someone else. Do you really care about her or do you care more about you, and how you might regret it and how you might loose out etc? It is not fair to play with people this way IMO..and I am not saying you or anyone else is doing this intentionally..it just sort of happens for all kinds of reasons but still it is not fair to another person to be dragged along like that while you cant even give them the real you. It is not fair to you and it is not fair to her. If you can tell her the truth and she can accept it and give you the space to be you and follow your path than thats great. If not than that should be you sign to thank each other for the time shared and move on to the next stage of your life. That is just my thoughts though and I am not perfect so follow your heart and do what feels right.

Fractal - You seem to be very knowledgeable and experienced. I'd really like to know how you feel about my career path and my conflict there.

The consensus regarding my girlfriend seems to be unanimous. I will take heed.


just a side note: There is a wonderful sense of community in this forum. One of the best I've seen.

i have skimmed over the responses, looks like some good stuff, i personally cannot betray my core its literally agony, i tend to be honest with myself and others almost to a fault, ie cause social problems by being honest about things that there was no reason why i could or should not have just said ummhmm yup, but anyways, i think if you try to follow this western medical barbie path you will find yourself knee deep in it only to find misery and a long walk out of the swamp, on the other hand if you follow your core you may miss this girl or moneys or whatnots, but your own inner self is the best company you could have and if you give that up for a barbie material path then i think you will miss that inner self much much more, i would bring up the subject of psychedelics from an objective standpoint, like in reference to some movie or some internet article or terrence mckenna speach you herd recently, anything that has any reference to these things. feel out her response. if you dont feel as though you can be perfectly honest and tell her then its a no go...im somewhat rambling but basicly if you are who you say you are you will know that materialism and leading a life that is not true to what you know in your heart will only lead to false accomplishment, you can pretend its great for a long time but in the end its all pretend :/ never give up eternity in exchange for general acceptance!

Since the side of "be honest and tell her your secrets" has been adequately covered here, I will hit you with a little devilish advocacy.

You don't owe anyone anything when it comes to sharing yourself. You give of yourself freely and as a gift with no thought of recompense. Sharing a hidden side of yourself with someone as a kind of test is not any nicer than keeping things from her that she is not ready to deal with.

You didn't mention how long you have been dating, but even with soul mates, there are things about ourselves that the other will not ever completely comprehend. It can take many years for some parts to surface, and it is possible to have a great relationship with someone who doesn't share all of your hobbies, interests or opinions. Men rarely golf or play basketball with their wives for instance.

To be honest, she doesn't sound like the kind of girl who will immediately understand your love of entheogens. She is likely to be scared and respond in a knee-jerk fashion. Such people have been known to call for an intervention or even turn you in to the authorities. She might feel that you betrayed her by letting her give her precious virginity to a satan-spawn druggie like yourself.

Christians (and people who are still virgins in their mid 20's in general) tend to be somewhat irrational. The idea that you can be a Christian and a materialist is frankly ridiculous. It just shows a gullible and uncritical mind. The man who told his followers to give everything they had to the poor and follow him with only a single robe and a stick... HE wants you to be capitalist and chase the dollar? Sure.

That said, you are not married to this woman. You can surely have fun with her, do the things you enjoy doing together, share what you can share etc. Perhaps in time, she will grow into the kind of person that supports your goals. Maybe she will allow you to lead her astray from her deeply held beliefs... not likely, but stranger things have been known to happen. At the very least, you should get your fill of her Barbie body before you throw the relationship away. (the likely outcome of any heartfelt admission of being a junkie)

As for pursuing a medical career, it seems clear that you don't want that. It is a stifling and soul crushing path, no doubt. There is a reason why MD's have 20 year lower life expectancy than normal trans-fat chomping couch potatoes. Cigarette smokers outlive them by 10 years. Being a cigar smoking heroin junkie who eats fast food gives a longer life expectancy. And, doctors are supposed to know what is good for us, right?

Follow your heart amigo. No one can tell you what is right or wrong. You are still very young, and the idealism of youth imparts a seriousness that age will eventually destroy. Relationships are not eternal. Even if you marry your Christian Materialist Barbie, the odds that you will be divorced in under 10 years are quite high.

But if you do feel the need to rock your boat and bring up entheogens to your lady friend, perhaps you should try casually bringing up shamanic practices, ayahuasca churches like UDV and Santo Daime. See what her opinion is about DMT in such religious contexts, without the whole illegal drug user thing.

Just some thoughts. Hope it works out for you.

--Purple dye, i thought it sounded a funny thing to joke about. Like Hyperspace fool has said, you might as well enjoy what you can of each other, and in time work out if there is room for change in certain areas- but who says you can't have fun finding out??, why so serious..??

it seems to me that mostly everyone here in this forum are belonging to the male gender... interesting.

anyhow, i thought i might try and give you the feminine perspective about relationships...

in my experience a good relationship is the one that have a good communication. understanding and trust are the most impotent things a couple can have in order to obtain a long term love relationship. these are the things that will keep you together long after the "falling in love" buzz is gone and uncontrollable sexual attraction fads away.

if your girlfriend is as intelligent as you said she is, she might be able to understand your passion for the psychedelics, and appreciate the fact that you wanted to share you deepest and most spiritual experiences with her.

i'm not sure about the letter though, we woman (normally) like to talk, and in a conversation you might be more clear abut the real feelings you have.
one thing you should remember though, is that you don't need to feel guilty or ashamed in any way about your love of psychedelics,remember, this is not some kind of dark secret abut you, it is a very precious deep and profound spiritual and mental experience that you want to share with her (just like you share it here at the nexus). by telling her about it, you must be willing to share with her the more gentle and sensitive side of you....normally, most women will greatly appreciate this side of a man, as long as it is honest sincere and authentic.

about the western and eastern conflict,i have the same issue haunting me again and again. i believe tiring to integrate the knowledge of the 2 so different cultures should be a very interesting and meaningful life quest...even though they usually seem to exist in contradiction to each other. maybe the answer is not having to choose one over the other, but trying to refine the true knowledge out of them both and try to combine it into something new....

good luck!

Well..I dont have an opinion on your career path..becasue it is YOUR career, not mine. It is not really my place to say "you should do this or do that etc"..all I would suggest is follow your heart. I would personally rather make less money at something that brought me more happiness at the end of the day than something that brought in a little more money but had me sort of wishing I was doing something different. It is your journey and ultimatily I think where you(or anyone else) ends up is where you are sopposed to be at that time, even if only to teach you where to go next.

Good luck on your journey!

As far as the job is concerned, follow your heart, period. The woman in your life, if she is right for you, ideally she will accept you for you, including your spiritual practices, as you should accept and respect hers. That is just opinion, though. No point wasting time with someone you have to hide yourself from.