Hi folks, this is my experience with Salvia. I wanted to post it in „Salvia divinorum and depersonalization/derealization“ topic but I realized that as a new member I am allowed to make posts only in Welcome Area.

So this is my story anyway:

I never did any drugs except one marijuana try when I was 19-20 (I only got anxious from that, no pleasant feelings). I am now 32. I didn´t know anything about Salvia, my good friend, fan of psychedelics, just said to me that if I experience anything bad I shouldn´t be worried, it will last only few minutes. Well, after several weeks I must say, it simply didn´t...! It was horrible experience beyond any imagination. It is like I am high ever since. I smoked dried Salvia plant (no extract). I took two hits of it within a minute because I though it is not working. At first I felt that my consciousness is opening and widening, which was interesting. After five minutes I sensed that inside myself opened a huge vast space full of green-yellow light. It was enormous. I got panic attack and things got worse and worse after that.

I hoped that it would fade away in the next few days, but I was wrong. After few days I started hallucinating (hypnagogic hallucinations). My opened consiousness simply didn´t close itself, it stood irritated and wide-opened. I was not able to return from my trip. My anxiety was so bad that my hands and legs were constantly shaking for weeks. I became sensitive to light almost to the point that I though I should adopt vampire lifestyle. I hated sunlight and all plant forms (they reminded me of Salvia). I felt as if electricity was running through my body: I was like burning in flames, my skin was hot and sweat. O couldn´t sleep. It was like sitting on electric chair, shouting for mercy, crying for somebody to stop it but it was impossible. It was permanent. I was so scared that I damaged my neurochemistry forever! Not I am on neuroleptics and antidepressants which didn´t solve my problem but eased my depression and anxiety little bit.

Few days after my Salvia trip I tried so hard to come back just to realize that the only way is forward. The depersonalization came in instantly. When I closed my eyes I saw bizzare objects and patterns in myself (geometric shapes). I felt nothing, my head was empty. I felt like I killed my soul. I even had suicidial thoughts. This was simply beyond my ability to cope, I couldn´t imagine I will stay in this condition forever. I lost all higher feelings, no love, affection, motivation. My mind and perception were altered, I was unable to concentrate. I had to quit one of dream job (coaching) and hoped I won´t loose another one (I am also a teacher). I couldn´t imagine how will I be able to write scholarly papers, when reading simple text was nearly impossible: letters begun dancing in front of my eyes, meaning nothing. I was so desperate, I felt I lost all humanity and sense of life. I had bizzare vivid dreams, like full color movies, very intense emotionally also (that´s a paradox because I feel emotionally numb when I am awake).

Now about Salvia and responsibility. What happened to me can happen to anyone. Nobody knows how his brain works, how much of a dose is safe. No guarantees. I would disagree that some people are blaming drugs for their own troubles. I did my best to solve my troubles before the drug experiment and still ended messed up! I studied psychology for some time, went to therapy (wanted to became therapist someday), resolved all family and personal problems (you know, childhood trauma and so). I was perfectly mentally healthy. Untill Salvia... (my psychiatrist diagnosed me F-23 – Acute Psychosis Disorder). I take full responsibility for what I did to myself. I am so sorry for my stupid decision to take that drug with absolutely zero information about it. But I think that even if drug effects last only small amount of time (when you have active ingredient in your body), they are changing chemistry in your brain and sometimes the dose is so huge or individual brain is so vulnerable (like mine I guess) that this change will last for extended period of time (months or years) or even became permanent. The drug is gone, but pathways between your neurons are set in different order, they are cut off, so parts of your brain remain disconneted and – voila! – mental disorder is born.

Why I did Salvia? I am that type of person, who likes to explore. My last stupid experience was one year ago, went I tried active imagination without therapist or experienced trainer. My unconscioussness simply poured into my conscioussness. I got serious, three weeks lasting psychosis, I saw demons and I dropped into the underworld, pretty crazy stuff. But I found a way out of it: I simply close the door to the underworld by using some sort of reverse imagination technique. I never dreamed that I will be f*cked up even more than that!

I wanted to check up if drug induced expanded consciousness is the same like I experienced in meditation (you know, Stanislav Grof experiments with LSD). I am strongly spiritual person, I am practicing contemplative prayer for several years and also have half year experience with meditation (contemplative prayer is kind of meditation but it is oriented towards the God - absolute personal being). My friend told me that Salvia high will last three or five minutes. Well, it lasted 12 hours. I felt that it is complete fraud. I sensed something „holly“ in myself, but it was meaningless and empty – like watching some sort of abstract video on MTV. It was nothing like beatifull, rich and safe experiences in meditation or prayer! When you meditate or pray, your consciousness may expand but you are in control. You never lose your self or identity (although you are losing your ego – but you know and feel that you are loosing your false identity – you are not loosing your mind and that is the point – actually, your mind become stronger and healthier throught meditation or prayer). After Salvia I realized that: 1. my „self“ is gone, 2. my mind has changed in a very unpleasant way, 3. I cannot control anything what is happening to me (panic attacks, electricity sensations, depersonalization). It was not like „my“ consciousness has expanded but „something“ alien entered my self, some sort of artificial entity („it“) became to live in my head. I expanded into nothingness and this emptiness became part of me. Horrific.

But now some positive news! OK, I did stupid thing when taking Salvia. But it is a life lesson. I started reading heavily on depersonalization, hallucinogens, anxiety, identity, HPPD. There are dozens of stories similar to mine. I am not alone in this. Over the time (its been almost two months) I accepted my strange feelings. The psychosis became unwanted but inevitable guest in my mind. I am trying to learn something from it. What hurts me most is the loss of everyday sense of normal life, normal self. It feels like I killed myself and become zombie. When I am praying and meditating, I feel like the inner child in me is dead. I aim doing my best to ressurect my soul. What helps me most in this depersonalization, is contemplative prayer. I pray 30 minutes in the morning, in the afternoon and in the evening. Within the prayer, I am able to regain my identity, to feel and expercience my „center“. I am learing the basics again: how to remain completely silent and focused. I simply believe and hope that after few months I will recover or at least find a way how to live with this strange herritage of my Salvia trip. At least some of my vivid dreams are really beautiful... I wish I never did Salvia but I know only one thing: I cannot undone it so I don´t have any choice but to proceed. I believe that God can ressurect me, he can even heal damaged neurons and pathways in my brain. That is my faith.

My prayers are with everybody who suffers from drugs. I think there is safer way to spiritual experiences – just be patient and meditate or pray for at least three weeks. I have years of practice and I can tell you, natural way is the best one. Don´t play with your brain, you will need it! :-)

Yes, that is what you think and it's great you have found your way. Just don't advertise that your way is the best way.
For example my experience and feelings toward the matter is totally opposite of yours. And I've too had years of practice.
Each person is different and each person has an approach that suits best for him/her. So it's better to say that find a way that suits your best. Whatever it is

I perfectly agree. My way is only my way, no better than others. I like when everybody advertise his/her way! :-) You can form your own opinion always. For example, my friend is huge fan of psychedelics (LSD most), he considers them spiritual, my experience is that they are very dangerous. But spirituality can be dangerous too. It's all very individual.

My brother, you need some ayahuasca healing.

I think the Universe is trying to open itself to you and you're doing everything in your power to fight it. You want everything to be as it was before you smoked Salvia but it won't be. You've had that experience and you should just accept that the world is not the way you had previously thought it was. You've been programmed to think that the Universe works in a certain way and you've just had an experience that is at odds with that. Just go with the flow my friend, life is beautiful and alot more complex than the human monkey brain is capable of computing.

This is what I actually did. A month ago I had really bad crises after which I just accepted my condition. I cound´t do anything else. I am doing my best to reduce anxiety and to overcome depersonalization. It changed me but there is also a third way besides obvious two options (fighting it and trying to "undone" those effects or feeling like a victim): accepting it and trying to overcome without willing to surrender to it. I am still free in my situation and can decide how to cope with it. That is a good thing I guess.

Psychedelics are very spiritual for some. Very dangerous for others. I always ask people before they decide to take psychedelics if they've had a mental illness of any kind. I think they're most dangerous for people who are prone to mental illness.

I am sorry to hear about your bad experience. Even though mine has been completely opposite, I still acknowledge that Salvia can be the catalyst for something like this to happen to someone. I hope things get better with time.

First, I want to offer my sympathies. It sounds like a trying experience, and it sounds like you are handling it in a healthy fashion. Contemplative prayer sounds like it has a great deal of potential for personal growth.

One part of your account that really struck me was the panic attack while under the influence, and that the effects lasted 12 hours. Your friend wasn't lying when he said the drug lasts only 3-5 minutes when smoked. That the effects seem to last much longer when someone has a panic attack under the influence leads me to suspect that panic attacks are a crucial factor in these rare long-term reactions. A lack of prior experience with strong mind-altering drugs and a lack of clear ideas of what to expect seem(from the very small sample size of people who have experienced this) to be risk factors for this atypical reaction... but these same criteria could also be expected to be risk factors for experiencing a panic attack when faced with the extreme altered state induced by salvinorin A.

Have you discussed with your psychiatrist the possibility that this might be a sort of PTSD induced by the combination of the salvia experience and the accompanying panic attack?

I am very sorry that you've gone through this. It is reckless to take a substance without knowing anything about it, and it's possible that knowing how violently disorienting and unpleasant some people find the experience might have mitigated the risk of a panic attack. Still, you would have had to look long and hard to find any guide warning about the risk of long-term effects like you're experiencing. That's why I created the depersonalization/derealization thread. It does appear to be a real risk, however rare... but it's one that is rarely discussed.



Be well, Alex.

I used to have anxiety/panic attacks all the time because of an overdose of 80 grams of MHRB in an Ayahuasca brew when I first got into psychedelics. It was the best and worst experience I have ever had, but sadly it had lasting effects. It lasted for years, though it was probably due to the fact that no one around me really knew what had happened or what was going on in my head, I had no real support. I felt I had died, literally, and was a ghost walking around. I didn't feel like I was even me anymore. I lost my mind. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, my friends slowly stopped hanging out with me, my family thought I was crazy. My life turned into a living nightmare. Then one day I woke up and realized it was all in my head. I just changed my mind. I don't know what it is exactly you're going through because you know yourself better than any other human being on this planet but I guarantee if anyone can pull you out of your mental slump, it's you. I can give you a few tips though: eat right and exercise, get plenty of rest, and don't over think everything. As for the depersonalization, you gotta remember who you are as a person, what you value most in life and focus your energy in those directions. But most of all, "Don't worry, cuz every little thing is gonna be alright."

I think Salvia triggered anxiety in me. Plus some mild depersonalization symptoms and strange sensations (seeing geometric patterns, colors, vivid, mostly unpleasant and violent dreams, experiencing expanded consciousnes, difficulty to concentrate, uncertainty in experiencing and feeling my own self). I am doing now autogenic training to relieve anxiety. I am eating some supplements (Vitamin B, fish oil, zinc, magnesium...) to help my nerve system to recover. I also do fitness and running.



Yes it is very close to it. I pray for extended periods of time, trying to achieve empty state of mind: no thoughts, distractions, just pure concentration. This kind of prayer really helped me regain much sense of myself.



Well, I experienced strongest Salvia-effects for 12 hours but whole trip lasted four days. After four days I no longer saw green-yellow light around me and I partially returned to my body. What remained was strong feeling that something is different - I am different. Maybe I am too sensitive person to use psychedelics.



My psychiatrist prescribed some benzos and serotonine antidepresants to relieve anxiety and antipsychotics to improve my concentration and to get rid of hallucinations. We haven´t been discussing PTSD, she said this look like toxic psychosis and panic disorder. Both PTSD and panic dissorder involve anxiety so I guess the medication is just fine. There is no medication on depersonalization or opened consciousness. I think I just had to wait until it fade away.



Definitely. I even didn´t know that Salvia is hallucinogen. I thought it is safe, you know, in most countries in Europe it is not illegal.



That is true, the one and only person who can help me is me. But it is not that easy that it is only in my head though. It is resistant to my positive thoughts (it is nothing, it will fade away, I am OK and so on). I can influence my condition only indirectly by doing meaningful things regardless of my feelings. Some sensations (feeling like having my mind partially outside my body) and bizzare dreams seem to live life of their own - the best I can do is just observing them. But I already ordered several books and workbooks on anxiety, depression and depersonalization. I want to compose my recovery plan with them, I will try to apply some cognitive behavioral techniques also. There are still plenty of options what to do.

Seems this will be my first post on this forum... =)

First off, let me tell you that spontanously smoking salvia some ten years after you had a bad experience with weed, which was also your only experience with the drug, was a stupid action. You have to fully prepare yourself before such a vivid experience, and you need to be sure that you want it. I've only ever tried cannabis, acid, and salvia, the first of which i smoke regularly. Before I tried both acid and salvia, I did extensive research to educate myself on the matter, and preparing for the possible bad experiences I might, well, experience.

Everyone reacts differently to drugs, and some might have bad experiences. For example, a friend of mine has always had problems with anxiety when smoking pot, and he sometimes even get a hangover, which can last several days. So when he and I took acid (my second time and his first time), he prepared himself for what he might experience. It ended with us both having a bad trip at the end of the trip, but we were fine after we came down, because we knew what we were doing.
He's now happy that he had a bad trip, because it's an interesting experience. As am I, and although he has yet to do acid again, I have never had a bad trip after, simply because I know what might happen before I do it, I know what is happening when I do it, and I know that I will be perfectly good when I'm down from the trip.

So basically, what I'm trying to say, is don't go racing formula one if you don't know how to drive.



As for the problem you now have after your salvia trip, I must say, I'm quite puzzled. An altered state of mind in long times after psychadelic trips is not uncommon if you're not fully prepared. What's strange is your hallucinations. Some psychadelics are known to trigger various mental diseases if your family has a history of such, so that might be the explainaton. It could also be that you're simply imagining things, or even looking for things that remind you of the salvia trip. You know, when you see or learn something new you've never heard of before, then it suddenly starts popping up everywhere, simply because you haven't given it any thought before. I don't know.

If you ask me, the best thing you can do is seek professional help. There is a problem here too though. As psychiatrists don't know much, or anything at all, about psychadelic drugs, it may be hard for them to help you. Perhaps there are some sort of specialist for such cases.

Alternatively, you could just relax with a joint. You might laugh at that now, but really, it can help. Just make sure you're in a safe environment when you do it, perhaps with a good friend or two and some snacks to chew on. If you choose to do this you shouldn't get super stoned, as this messes up your thought pattern for as long as you're stoned. It's actually what triggered me and my friend's bad lsd trip, as we smoked lots of weed in the latter half of the trip.

I hope any of this helps. Oh, and don't be afraid of drugs simply because society has labeled them "bad". Consider them a tool for an elevated state of being. Or, well, stay away from anything that the guys here or at erowid don't consider safe.

Yes, it was stupid. I believed my friend that it is safe and all efects will fade away in minutes. I had no idea what to expect, I didn´t even believe I would experience anything. But I was little bit scared, my intuition was yelling at me that I am doing a mistake. But I didn´t want to look like a coward or something. Overcoming fear is a good thing - but not in really dangerous situations.



After doing some internet research in past weeks I am surprised how common my experience is. Hallucinogens or drugs are definitely not for everyone. Danger lies in that, that nobody knows if he/she is vulnerable to them. No one knows his/her possible underlying mental illness silently sleeping in brain. I can be triggered suddenly or over the time. Anxiety caused by drugs is special, I guess. Drugs are changing chemical balance of brain (especially after huge doses or in vulnerable individuals) so it can take some time till brain recovers and is able to produce normal amounts of serotonine and dopamine again.



I always have to be special. That is my karma or something :-) My psychiatrist told be that what I am experiencing is not clinically clear but between various diagnoses. Anyway, I feel anxiety with little depersonalization sensations and psychotic features. I don´t know why I started hallucinating long after Salvia (it begun 10 days after and lasted three weeks, I still have weird dreams). I think it was caused by changes in my neurochemistry. It would be great if I simply imagined my hallucinations but they were hypnagogic - they appeared when I was tired, going to sleep, falling to sleep, waking up. So they couldn´t be controlled willingly. What "popped up" everywhere was plant forms, I hated all green leaves for weeks because the reminded me Salvia. It was completely irrational. I also sensed something like there is green smoke in me for about a month.

I got panic attack instantly after Salvia use but I tried to remain calm and I was telling myself - it will gone. It wouldn´t. So the trip itself wasn´t worst - the after effects were. My anxiety reached its peaks three weeks after, when I wasn´t feeling better but worse. After four weeks I accepted my situation and the fact that I cannot control it and things became very slowly turning better after that.

What was strange that it seemed to me that my full trip lasted full four days. I felt some sort of sacred presence in my mind and I saw that green-yellow light everywhere around me. After that time it went away and anxiety hit me at full blast.

We have history of mental disease in my family. My father was curious once and took a joint (marijuana or hashish). It triggered bipolar disorder in him! He got also pretty paranoid. He quit drinking and he is on antipsychotics ever since, now doing fine for years. Would you believe that THIS simply didn´t come to my mind when I wanted to try Salvia? I must lost my head and common sense long before I lost my mind from Salvia... I was very antidrug person but I wasn´t consistent with my conviction. I even didn´t know that Salvia is hallucinogen. This is lesson.



I am relaxing with autogenic training and once I smoked good cigar. That was enough for me. No dangerous drugs ever more.

I just had this same thing happen to me after 3 or 4 large hits of plain leaf. I wasn't gone like I've been before on Salvia but I felt I had died years ago and was just a ghost dreaming. I wanted to run back to this "illusion" so I got up and ran, the first time I've ever moved with salvia. It wasn't the being dead that scared me, it was the overwhelming regret for my family. On other trips where I felt I didn't really exist, they didn't either. I was ok with that. I wasn't prepared for abandoning them, that freaked me out.

That gave me the walking dead feeling for about 2 weeks. I had salvia vision distortions probably 5 or 6 times throughout the day also. I couldn't watch medical TV shows without feeling nauseous. I couldn't hear church bells without getting a huge surge of fear. I stayed far away from my salvia plants because I was a little afraid of them too. I also started having very realistic dreams with death over tones.

I finally got over it by realizing what thoughts fears triggered that trip. I also realized when those fears had been placed in me. Then in that time between awake and asleep when I can visualize really well I relived every memory, sounds, smells, emotions, of the time I had that fear placed into me. That was it, it ended instantly, like a switch had been flipped. Though I still get shivers up my spine when I hear a church bell like sound.

Sorry to hear what happened to you. To not ever get over it would be horrible. I agree that a therapist would be a good idea, maybe to help you find where your feeling stem from in your subconscious. Good luck.

I have never had any anxiety or even anything like fear during my 13 salvia trips on strong extracts..
So far ..salvia divinorum.. has been more like a healing medicine for me as during my trips i gain more and more insite about myself and the world around me...
In All of my trips have been alone without a sitter..
I guess I just accept the mind state ..and dont journey into it with an expectation of fear...
Everyone is diferent and experiances may vary from person to person but anxiety is something that one can shed and heal from in time..

Also there are other factors that can cause anxiety other than a drug..
First your home may be leaking ..[high EMF levels].. that can cause everthing from head aches to nightmares to paranoia...
EMfs are ..[ electromagnetic fields].. sometimes leaking from badley insulated fuse boxes in buildings...
Also there is the water we drink ..and the food we sustain our bodys with.. that can cause problems over time if they contain toxic or alergic chemicles...
I had anxiety many years ago when i lived in a basement apt but after i moved out of the place the anxiety stoped...
I found out later that there were high levels of radon gas in the apt!
I would check for other reasons before i blamed salvia!..

Salvia divinorum takes me directly from the physical realm to the non physical realm and that for me is like being free.. at least for a while..
When i say being free ..
I mean free from the bonds and limitations that were put into my young growing mind since birth..
These bonds come from being told what i can and cant do throughout my life.. from government...schools..religion...sighns everywhere more sighns..tv comercials...and other factors in the so called physical reality we live in..
You might say these things created for me a world to live in ..only this world becomes stale and boreing over time as it.[my world].. was not created or chosen by me.. but by someone else!...[ Tim Leary talks about this ].. [and question authority] [how to operate your brain]
When i discovered that there was a more larger and colorful world around me that far exceded the limited world that was taught to me ..i felt more free and happy...
Personal Freedom is important to everyone who breaths the air of mother earth..
I Listen to native american music when triping on salvia.. its calming relaxing and blends beautyfully with salvias effects..
In not encoraging this medicine on anyone some can find their freedom without it but for those on this earth that need the medicine it was put there for us if we need it...
blessings!

What you feel and how thought and perception are affected is very different for psychedelics. For that reason, I wouldn't write off all psychedelics just because you had a bad experience with salvia (which many people do anyway). My personal favorite is LSD. I have never, with any other drug, experienced such joy, love, and amazement. Different types of psychedelic experience are like different flavors of consciousness. Some of them are an acquired taste, but I've found that experiencing a wide array of consciousness is necessary for proper spiritual nutrition. Some psychedelic experiences can be scary, and those experiences are akin to eating our vegetables, so to speak.

Anyways, if you continue to dabble in psychedelic experience, what you will realize is that normal consciousness is also a flavor of psychedelic experience that you are not even aware of until your pallet is cleansed of it. All conscious perception is new and fresh and unfamiliar and thus uncontrollable, but over time we settle into an illusion of "the way things actually are". Psychedelic drugs are a powerful tool in breaking down that settlement so that we may rebuild over and over again, because only after the many layers of our identity have been torn away can we truly know what the self is.

Wanting to explore is a good thing, but purpose is important in exploration of the mind. Psychedelics can give you something greater than you have ever had before, but you have to be willing to give up everything you currently have, including all control and especially all preconceived notions of what reality is. On LSD, I have also experienced greater fear and terror than I have ever experienced before, but enduring and coming to terms with those things was an integral step in my understanding of myself.

So, please don't loose your love of exploration (especially exploration of the mind), and don't worry about psychedelics: There are many roads that lead to enlightenment, and psychedelia is but one of them.

Good luck on your journey.

I think it's normal to feel a bit anxious, especially if it's a new substance and you have no personal experience with it.

Now it's done and this is rather academical, but if you have a strong feeling/intuition that you shouldn't do it, then don't. Maybe it was just your anxiety manifesting, but if you really believe something bad is gonna happen, and you enter those states with that mindset, in my experience it's pretty much guaranteed that something bad will happen.

Also let me point out that your motivation (not wanting to look like a coward) wasn't the best. And as others have said, trying a substance without having researched it first is dubious at best. Even if you read about it the experience is likely to astonish. For an unprepared mind it might just be too much and maybe that is what happened to you.

I sincerely wish that you improve. Good advice has been given - eat right, exercise, rest. Be involved in life and don't overthink it too much.

If you keep believing something is wrong with you (when there isn't), this will only perpetuate that state.



Finally, I noticed that you never actually described what triggered the panic attack in the first place. Do you remember?

In my experience when things get out of control I can usually (in retrospect) pinpoint a negative thought/feeling that I followed/believed and it cascaded/magnified until the whole trip was a reflection of that initial trigger.

I haven't had a bad trip in some time, but in the past identifying that trigger and understanding why it scared me has been highly therapeutical.



Oh.

I'm sorry to hear you're having a hard time. What you have been experiencing since the first 3-5 minutes you actually took the drug is NOT a common reaction.

Some people are not wired for this stuff. Now you know that you're one of them. Take care of yourself physically and know that time is your greatest ally here.

just in case noone noticed..this thread is well over a year old.

Good point

Woops. I didnt catch that. Good lookin' out, Jamie.