That redhead was really clingy but i like it this way. She leaves a trail of good thoughts after i wake up. My dreams do have shifted towards the aesthetics of art history students = Art in the mirror of the burgeoise. But I'm loving this essence which is kinda self-ironic in a not-conscious way, pointing towards a real world of beauty.

What happened? Wait. What really happend in this time fragment? Reading all these great or not so great philosophers is making me crazy, because THEY were crazy. Who can understand this stuff. Just words...not decipherable like poetry. Just more tightly knit in a way. It's crazy not to consider it crazy. And sane to interpret the crazy. But i can't because im restless.

I doodle around and remember microscopic fragments of long forgotten dreams. So microscopic, i can barely attach a feeling or a picture..but memories still. I'm restless so i get up to eat a banana.

A girl comes my way and greets me. I totally forgot about her. I don't know her. It's the most curious thing too have "greeting relationships" with total strangers while it happens far to easily to stop aknowledging long term colleagues in public. She once tried to chat me up in the cafeteria with a slightly ambigous comment about dried decor mushrooms. Then she sat alone while i was eating with a friend. She looked sad. But can you love everyone? Or: Do i have to be attracted to everyone who likes me?

It doesn't matter. I greet her with a quiet voice as she enters the library. A while later she comes out and heads down the floor. She stretches and talks ..to whom? I look at her ..and she stares right into my eyes „Busted!“. I feel like a voyeur. She almost looks disgusted as i stare into her eyes for seconds before i try to make it look like i just tried to look at the big hallway clock.

Back inside the readers hall it feels bizarre as she sits down a couple of seats away. Many girls have liked me in secret. Or at least they thought their desire was a secret. But you always know. Do you? How many people would have liked you, could have liked you....

A real art history student greeted me the other day. I did not recognize her. But she recognized me from a seminar so it seems. Another secret. Propably. Tears are coming as i feel more and more crazy about not being able to love, about dreaming about perfect girls while imperfect girls are everywere. But i can't. Even if its not fair..but what is fair.

Reading good and not so good philosophers does not help. Or does it? Everything seems to melt into one piece of molassis i can't escape. Fuck. I close my books and drive around with my bike in a neverending chase. I want to swallow the world, to escape from what i've done wrong.

10 mics.
Living a placebo dream
or dreaming a life?

Mostly placebo, moving on.




The meal is done

Running rings around the pizza on your bicycle, but you can only order from the menu if you want another shot at it. Just don't hit the pepperoni chunks on the way to the crust.

Wow, i just understood what you were saying. I always thought it to be some kind of poem, but in reality, it is just a poetic way of describing something. Yes, i'm hitting a pepperoni chunk today. Judging from my previous experience, i kinda thought of LSD as something very stimulating. Now i know that you can't really say more but that LSD certainly got a distinct push towards it..and otherwise more or less amplifys your current mood/feelings.

That being said..i mean...i don't know how to use this expression right now, so i will just continue:

Just a reminder not to go in while feeling sick. It sounds like fun and games, but after an hour you are in a challenging game of bad feelings and anxiety. You are constantly checking your body, you are feeling vasoconstriction and all kinds of blood pressure/circulatory system feelings...not sure what else this could be.

It seems to me, that with LSD it is more easy to sort of...fall into "self manifesting thought patterns" ? Just onee weird body feeling sends me to some sort of bad and very quickly manifesting pattern and then it is just anxiety spiraling out of control...

Then, i would try to do "something" ...i don't know what...just something different and it keeps me from this bad place, but it only helps for a second. It really feels like thoughts, feelings...the mind is INFECTED. Like your body can be infected.

I just kept riding the bike, pushing foreward, because thats what felt bestr...

I have a hunch i'm post peak but not completely sure yet. It can only get better from now on. This one really really manifested all my fears about my body...and it's ailments. From now on it can only get better. This is something i'm looking foreward too.

A feel so extremely detached, as if i was to watch my body behave. Not sure if this is an exclusive acid thing. A guy got to me in the park with a football, an old guy with his kids and he was walking towards me for like....3-4 minutes? All the way across the green with his football.

"You got a pump?"

"Oh no ..it's just...it's...*points* i can go on?"

"I mean for the football..."

I'm so confused.

Oh now i think i know something...it's not the small happy joys in life i need to strive for..they are just small distractions.... if the foundation, the base is made of happiness!!
Is this enough to change my life in any way? It certainly does not feel like a breakthrough into bliss.

I think i am a very, Very, VERY sad person!

I think i feel really trapped. This is the main problem..and every part of my life reflects this. Trapped in a sick body, between dormitory celldoors...between unfinished fragments of life, between feelings, between feeling and not feeling...between life and death.

I imagine relativly unconcerned people reading this, people who do not got a CLUE what is going on in this "thing", thinking that it is very serious.

And it is serious, as serious as every step of hour "life". As serious as all alternative psychedelic realities, states,forms.....how this is all woven together i don't know. I do not have a plan. I DO make carricatures about certain states obsolete!

I fight not to forget as to see importance.
Importance means "I see it!"

If you can see it, it is important. I forgot what i meant. I do not see.

This now seems ridiciolous to me.
<----This now seems ri

just stop

"Why don't you relax, take a stress pill..and think things over?"



Or rather not.

A man swimming through the lake in perfect motion. Can it be? Yes it can.
A girl looking like the one from pulp fiction, sitting on her windowsill. Can it be? O yea it can.
A hidden arena in the park, plastered with condoms ...yes, it can be but WTF ?!

It all happens here, right now in all its ridiciolous colors.

I found that while on mushrooms, some people and their cultures disturb me greatly.
Now on LSD, they seem so laughable. For instance, take this stereotype american upper class couple walking down the park....they're like so like and like totally like consumerist? They'd propably find it totally normal for people to enjoy their shit if it was served on gold plates.... all i hear is that they are TOTALLY TOTTALLY LIKE and all i can do is laugh....

But then, at the same time, laughing about others IS laughin about oneself...and that is no metaphorical bullshit. Laughing about other people IS laughing about oneself.

It makes you look: "Wow, im utterly ridiciolous too!"

Cuts away the crap. Forces into common decency.

Hello i'am a human being - i can see that you are living on this planet too!

Good morning
Good night
I'm sorry
Thank you!

yup.