I am missing my fear. I am worried. Though not afraid,
For as long as I can remember, it was always there. I'm sure as a baby it was separation anxiety from mother. Then later on I remember being a very small child and fearing the dark closet.
Soon the dark no longer scared me. I began to have weird, ungrounded fears and fantasies about one or both parents not coming home one day or dying young. Then one day (car wreck) that happened. Moving on in a broken kind of way.
For awhile I feared crime and sexual assault. LMAO.
From a fairly early age onwards, as an atheist, I feared my own death. But then time passed, crappy things happened, experience accumulated, along with pain, and though the fear still remained, it seemed like the way things were going, by the time I reached old age, I'd be so tired, burned out and decrepit, that death would be a mercy, the ultimate rest.
For a very long while I feared the death of my husband, who is 18.5 years my senior and who smokes cigarettes. Then this evolved into a kind of diffuse fear of loss of loved ones.
I have feared a lot for the future of my niece and nephews and what they will have to face in an impoverished world.
DMT helped me to understand fear. It helped me with my existential fears, instilled a sense of the spiritual, a sense that things were not as they appeared to be, that there might be something bigger going on "behind the scenes."
I came to the point of saying that I loved and feared DMT, a great "teacher molecule." I said that I had plenty of fear but that it did not rule me. That I and my fear walked side by side, informing each other, simultaneously enemies and allies.
Last Saturday I got my ass handed to me again, but in a rather unique way within my very limited experience.
And now I walk around almost dead inside. Almost but not quite. I'm willing to get up and do what needs to be done. I am very tired. I am very low energy. I am very resigned. This is different from depression. I'm not sure what this is. I have so much acceptance now it feels like too much. I have come to the sincere conclusion that NOTHING is worth fighting for and nothing is worth quitting because nothing really matters or makes a difference, not really, not in the long run.
I think about consuming DMT or other psychedelics and then I think, "What's the point?" I think perhaps this is it. I know it's only been a week and much more time is needed. I'm like an alcoholic in the program - one day at a time.
I honestly feel that my fear has been burned out of me. This is not a challenge. Not at all. This is fundamentally exhausting. YOu could probably put a gun to my head and I would feel no fear.
It feels like my fear was the heart of ME.
It feels like my fear was the Nuclear Engine to my Lifeforce.
I feel no desire to end my life sooner than it will naturally end. I feel no desire to fight for it, or anything else for that matter.
I am somewhat frozen/filled with inertia, as I feel I am at risk for very poor decisions in this state.
I just do not know what to make of this. The fear had been there for so long . . . it's just that the excuse, my personal explanation for the cause of the experience evolved over time.
Last Saturday was some sort of very Dark Quantum Leap for me. Not sure what to make of it all, and to be honest, I kind of hope the fear returns soon, but via a natural integration process, rather than a fresh and even more exhausting trauma.
Regardless, it really doesn't matter, does it?
This is NOT what I thought deep acceptance would feel like.
"But even if nothing lasts and everything is lost, there is still the intrinsic value of the moment. The present moment, ultimately, is more than enough, a gift of grace and unfathomable value, which our friend and lover death paints in stark relief."-Rick Doblin, Ph.D. MAPS President, MAPS Bulletin Vol. XX, No. 1, pg. 2Hyperspace LOVES YOU