So obviously... I'm a pleasure-delayer. ha ha
Thank you for following along....
Now keep in mind that I did not break through-- who does on their first go around right?
Continuing the story: .... that night my BF, M and Me all sit in a small circle on the living room floor. We dimmed the lights and sat on comfy pillows. I loaded the pipe the same as earlier that day for her, except put a bit more of the medicine on top of the mint for myself. I tried to guage where I wanted to get to my first time, of course this is so difficult to do with no frame of reference. I did the only thing I could do... use LSD as a measurement. I thought to myself "well, I could def handle more than M did earlier but yet I don't know what Im messing with, I dont quite wanna be as far out there as I have been at times on acid. I wanted to try and take baby steps.... heh heh..yeah right... I had pre-flight anxiety of course... but told myself "whatever will be, will be". I think I was more relaxed than the average person, given that my years of OBE stuff has given me absolutely zero fear of bodily death.
My trip had three main parts.... my exact internal thoughts during are in italics.
I INHALED DEEPLY. I knew that I had just inhaled something chemicalish because of the smell...but I remember as I exhaled long and slow there was this split second where I looked at my partners and said "weird, I don't think it's going to--" and then Huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm! My physical vision closed up like a tunnel collapsing inward on itself. Woa! The buzzing you get when inducing OBE is NOTHING compared to the initial auditory DMT rush.
PART 1
The body load was incredible. Talk about G-Force--whew! I was quickly pulled down under something. Like the earth was resting on top of "me" the way that a basketball rests/spins on player's finger. I was rushing forward as well. Flying through these incredible patterns. I kept trying to reach the end..but they were forever changing, leading me on. Things with a thousand arms, I knew they were there...why couldn't I see them the way I knew how to see--with eyes.
What are eyes? I think I used to have them... somewhere a long time ago...ha ha ha ha...who was I?.... I had a life godammit...and it was really nothing. It was just the fragment of a fragment of a fragment of a piece of nothing. And there is something "important" in the "back of my mind".
Wherever the body is- is it doing that thing? Fuck, what's the wa, wa, wa, word? Burrething..bur burr breathing yeah, that's it? Is the body ok...is it breathing? I dont think so- is that ok? Yes, that's fine. I supposed I have died back in that world...it's ok cause it didn't hurt--YES! Awesome! I can go anywhere now... There was something female around...energy but I could not percieve form... I thought,
I KNEW THE CREATOR WAS A WOMAN, IT COULDN'T HAVE BEEN ANY OTHER WAY.... PART 2
And then everything became orangish, the orange was nearly unbearable..I knew that at any moment whatever I was, form or not, was about to be destroyed. Blasted to smithereens. And I tried to fight it. A mistake. I became terrified that it had already been a thousand years. And now I would never return to wherever. I was a failure, I was pathetic. I was going to cease to exist at any moment and it was utterly horrifying. (How quickly the energies can shift back and forth in the DMT space!) And then the most amazing thing happened... I found myself in prayer-and I have never been one tiny bit religious in the traditional sense. Yet, I gave it up to the Intelligence and did the one thing that is hardest in my earthly life... I TRUSTED... I didnt just say it...I felt it, I became it. Full Surrender. I yelled from my humble little human heart of hearts out into that Forever Space, saying "Mercy my Mother Goddess, I know that you would Never forsake me." And just like that the pressure/torment was diminished by 50% and I began to shift back into the lighter energies....
Part 3
I became just the tiniest bit aware that I had physical form again. I felt like I was sitting full lotus style (like a Buddha) and levitating....and I was bathed in golden, yellow light. The light was pouring from every pore of my light body, as well. Beaming out into Forever.
I AM A GOLDEN GOD. I am special. Everyone is so special. I wish they knew they are Gods too. There is not one single part left out. It knows every leaf blowing in the wind... All is Redeemed. There is no Pain. Squealing with Joy and crying tears of golden Light, "I HAVE LIVED FOREVER. FOOOOOOOREVER!!!" "I WILL NEVER END!" Hear me Rooooar! "Foooooooreverrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!" At some point I opened my eyes...the walls of my house seemed foreign, I was again contained
. I felt like my lamp was the most hilarious thing ever invented. Artificial light.... ha ha ha ha ha, silly humans. I could cackle about that one through a millenia....
I was just astonished people...I have tried for hours to sit and meditate and think about what Forever means. Eternity--we all know what that means--it means it has no end. But man, to experience it..to finally begin to wrap your head around it, or get a much closer glimpse at what Forever could possibly mean. WOW! And I know you experienced cosmonauts know exactly what I mean when I speak of the Foreverness. Mmmmmmhhhh mmmmmm mmmmmmmmm.....
I asked my BF how long I had been out... 2 minutes and ten seconds earth time. woa!
Of course I had no awareness of what the body was doing or saying during that time but my partners had (hell yeah
thought to record what I had said during.
Here is a transcript of my mumblings in no order....
-all is love, it is all love
-its too much, oh oh oh
-lived forever forever (moan) forever
-can't handle all the power
I barely remember parts of this, but as I opened my eyes, still with a heavy buzzing going as I descended, they said I looked at them with like the most serious look of my whole life, like I was possessed and I said....
"AND THIS IS WHAT MY LIFE IS. I SERVE, A CATALYST, TO IGNITE THEIR JOURNEYS, JUST THIS TIME AROUND, AND THAT IS MY PURPOSE, THAT IS MY PURPOSE...."
I meditate on that^^ everyday now and have an even greater respect for others and myself because of it.