I'm really afraid of drinking aya solo.

There circumstances never seem right. I'm always not in the mood or just ate and wanting to be in the perfect state of mind before I drink it and it seems like that's never gonna happen.

I've done it 4 times now with facilitation of a shaman. My first experience was a complete freak out dying crisis. I put up a huge fight but ultimately I surrendered to it and it was the most healing experience of my life.

My depression and feelings of rejection and impending doom seemed to be gone for months afterwards. I became more social, more spontaneous, and got laid for the first time in my life. I started enjoying life every moment even the seemingly boring moments were full of life.

Now it's been a year since that experience and over 7 months since my last powerful experience. I've had some small experiences but they didn't seem to open me up.

I've started to close off and become my old self again. I feel trapped and incapacitated and I'm hoping that aya can open me up again. But I'm terrified of doing it, even though I know I'll be fine. I have irrational fears that I may try to kill myself or call 911 if I'm freaking out or walk outside and fall down the stairs. But nothing like that has ever happened during my experiences. Usually my fear and anxiety is way worse before the journey, than any time during it.

Any advice or words of wisdom?

the important thing is to just stop worrying. its easier said then done though, but just try and think positive. read a book, go into nature, meditate, eat a good meal. and once your feeling the time is right, lay down in the dark and dose

just acknowledgment the fear- that is normal. i find it best to just jump in and dont resist, then the worry and fear quickly melts. aya is warm. resistance is the only road that leads to pain to me. maybe try a lower dose first to shake the edge off? or is it possible to get a sober friend to trip sit?

maybe just try to find a sitter, if you have these unique issues. Also, if you do decide to dose alone, make sure it's a low dose and you're in a safe place where you can relax. If you're serious when you say you're afriad you might kill yourself, I hope you don't give up and find your way of living in this world. Ayahuasca isn't known for increasing suicidal thoughts.... but still, make sure you are of sound mind if you decide to take it.

Congratulations on getting laid.

You may want to try taking aya without any tryptamine in it; just caapi vine by itself. I find that that takes out all of the freak-out mental stress and feelings of insanity which DMT can bring, but still has many of the positive after-effects.

I do that when I feel in need of a little spirituality and aya-goodness, but am a little freaked out by the idea of going down the rabbit hole.