"The ultimate reality is a fractal partnergame"

Those are the words that I finally chose to describe the experience I had during my first dmt trip. But I didn't tell them to my partner (let's call him Jack) because it seemed like such a silly sentence, I had announced that I finally found a way to describe it and this seemed an almost embarrassing way to put it. The next day I became obsessed with describing it, and paradoxically, I forgot what it is I was trying to describe, the key element of the trip.. Zoom forward a month. Today, I had another toke with friends, and although I did not breakthrough, it's as if I 'saw' that space again, the elves wanted to lead me to the partner.. and I remembered. So I'd like to share this experience because it makes me feel quite emotional and very confused. I'd be grateful if you could comment, especially if you find that you have had some common experiences.

This trip report is about my first trip. Although I have had a small quantity on two further occasions, I feel that those have mostly served to make me remember key elements of my first trip. I'm not sure how much we had. I think I had 2-3 tokes. We had come back from a party where I had a quarter tab of acid, and when that put me in a contemplative rather than party mood, I took quite a lot of mdma to counteract it. In fact, by the time we smoked the spice the Mandy was definitely still working, as I remember tripping off the sound of the kettle before we went upstairs.

We started by meditating for about 10 minutes sitting across from each other. Then I had my first toke. It didn't make me cough like I expected, but one feature I've noticed is that it makes me swallow a lot in the minute after first having it. Reality changed IMMEDIATELY. Everything became kind of stylised and fractal, and everytime I moved, it was as if that part of reality was dividing itself in order to do so, dark orange and purple colours, borders dividing in order to shift. So movement felt like creation in a way. I was absolutely taken aback, looking around, felt the sensation of sitting up straight, looked down at myself, my hand, it was also like that, then I looked up at Jack, completely startled that he was still there. I looked down, he was prying me with the pipe. I remember thinking: I have no idea how to smoke this. But I felt that I was expected to, so I attempted, and succeeded once, it felt strange, cold and smooth. The next day Jack told me he actually had to force the pipe out of my hand in the end, which I found hilarious since I interpreted it as him wanting me to take more and more at the time. Anyway, after that second toke, the fractal atoms making up reality started to divide again and me with it whenever i move, I remember feeling a strange feeling, almost sexual, I remember actually thinking: are we having sex? And then realising that that's impossible. I was holding my cup of tea with my fingers, the feeling was so smooth, the feeling in my whole body was like.. the feeling of feeling itself. I can't describe it any other way. I decided to close my eyes.

Zoom. Across from me was this entity, I knew he was giant sized, sitting in a meditative pose in space. Background black, he was mostly phosphorescent green and blue coloured. He had one main face but I saw that he had side faces too even though I was facing his front. The contours were very clear, like a Luke Brown picture, not the stylised fractals that were turning everything into some kind of comic. Was this god? This is the situation I ended up associating with my description of the ultimate partnergame, this tuning into the entity and meditating across from each other peacefully. But now I remember it's what happened next.

I opened my eyes. By this time I started to associate Jack with the DMT. It was as if it was speaking to me through him, I was reading its intentions, it was teaching me things. Jack slowly and precisely went out of his sitting pose and lay down. I watched him do it. I decided to do it as well.

Zoom. Suddenly I was in the "ultimate partnergame". Jack was there already, waiting for me to join him. Jack and I were entities, or we took their place for the duration of the trip. I don't remember what I looked like, I think I was mainly orange coloured. He was coloured pastel blue and purple and white. His shape was kind of like Shiva, in that he had a similar hairstyle, bunched up above his head and long. This partner was humanoid but definitely also in some way a creature. The way I perceived space and the room is completely differently from normal. There was no "space" as contrasted with things or entities in it. Everything was filled out, the room was all encompassing, things flowing back and forth, there did not seem to be any borders because there was nothing beyond the borders, yet the space seemed finite. Everything was kind of stylised, not extremely detailed, like a cartoon.

The partnergame involved the following: Sitting across from each other, and with our many arms and hands, making movements that looked like grabbing things from the air and putting them in a different part of the air. I interpreted it as "making decisions". It was extremely serious business. I was shocked, even felt a bit violated, in being suddenly used for this purpose, yet I knew the decisions we were making were of utmost importance and I got on with the task at hand. It was almost as if we were deciding the mathematical formulas that were to be the physical laws, describing/deciding them with our signlanguage, which were then to be used as the basis for the reality I usually experienced. I remember realising that if one had mastered this game enough, then you could make decisions to change 'normal' reality, in specific ways.

I have to mention here that the whole trip lasted about 4 hours. The proper part of it was probably the normal length of a DMT trip but the ebbing away was extremely protracted. And it always began with me making some realisation or other that had some sort of bearing on 'normal' reality, and as soon as I made that realisation, a certain percentage of the trip subsided. So when I realised that there is a 'normal' reality apart from the partnergame (even though at the time I had no conception of what it was), I think that's when it finished. In hindsight, I can't imagine it to have lasted more than 10 minutes but it felt as if conceptions of time just had no place when I was there. For all I know it lasted forever, and at several points in my trip, I saw it not as exploring something new but COMING BACK to somewhere. I was coming back to the partnergame, after so long!

So then during my long subsiding period, all sorts of thoughts were going through my head. Did Jack have the same experience? He must have, after all he took the place of the partner! What were we doing? How can I describe this? This is indescribable! Perhaps because what we were doing was the essence of describing itself, or reality was describing itself... I got stuck in a loop. Throughout this time, I still associated Jack with the DMT. So for example, after a few hours, when I was finally coming down decisively, he asked me how I was. And I said I'm good. And then suddenly I had a thought: How about I ask him how he is back? And he said good, but to me it sounded as if the DMT was saying "good, you've progressed to be able to do this!". After a while it became clear that Jack wasn't feeling it at all and I still was, so I just decided to go to bed. This confused me even more by the way, because how can he ask me "are you still feeling it" - the whole partnergame thing wouldn't make sense at all if he wasn't feeling the same way!

Now, the next morning, he didn't really talk about it. I think by that time I might have forgotten the crucial part of the experience anyway, but it made me conclude that he must not have experienced the same thing, which I couldn't describe properly anyway, so how could I ask him? Then today, I did some again not enough for a breakthrough, but enough to see the room the elves were beckoning me towards, a black space with red and blue phosphorent things and beings in it, and it made me remember the partnergame. I was finally able to describe it, and I phoned Jack, and I asked him "is this what you felt?" and he said "yeah I think everyone feels a kind of similar thing".

But rather than a feeling of closure, which I felt initially, I feel even more confusion. What IS the POINT of this game? It's not especially pleasant, and what's worse is that I seem to go back to this space everytime I do DMT. I kind of hope not to, and am astonished everytime I do, because everyone else seems to have very varied, even fun experiences and mine just seem to all lead towards this partnergame, which is very intense and serious. I feel like reality is replaced 100%, my experiences just create confusion, no answer, no teachings. I mean, I've had some insights, but they all tend towards: Now I know why x religion says y, about sacred geometry, about this and that that I've read, what it refers to. Not what the point of these teachings actually is, why the history of the human race is filled with people wanting to experience this realm, when it is not overtly pleasant and it's clear I'll be stuck in it for eternity when I leave my life on earth anyway. The only thing I can think of is back to when I had the insight that if you mastered control of the partnergame you could change normal reality. But I'm not sure I ever could, or even want to. It's not like I haven't had positive experiences as a result of doing DMT, my mood is usually elated for the rest of the day, I have realised areas of my personality I need to fix, am more calm, closer to my friends, synergies have started to emerge.. but that seems to have nothing directly to do with the actual experience while in the realm.

Anyway, I've started to ramble now. But I hope someone can give me some insight. Maybe I need to enter the realm with questions and intentions? I realise now that implicitly I wanted to know some kind of ultimate truths and meet an entity during my first trip, which is certainly what I got. But I really don't see how the experience could be any different but for degree..

EDIT: Just wanted to add that at some point, I felt my third eye chakra warm up, but only for a few seconds. And that I'm not sure whether the partnergame happened while we were sitting or lying down because I remember actually feeling my hands move and being convinced that we were making these movements - impossible of course because the partner had more than two arms.

Thank you for this great community of DMT nexus by the way! Looking forward to being a part of it

Luciapath - welcome to the nexus; wow, what a first report! Thank you so much for sharing it here with us.

If I may, I'll share some things I thought reading this:

You mentioned that other people seem to have more 'fun' experiences ... I don't think I'd describe my journeys as fun. They are intense. Serious - though occasionally playful - sometimes loving, sometimes harsh, often overwhelming and confusing. The lessons are often crystal clear, but just as often I just can't make any sense of it at all.

My intention when taking spice is never 'to have fun'. My intent is very much about exploration and healing, and I try to approach it with humility and gratitude. There's a lot more to this than eye candy, as you've found... its infinitely deep and bewilderingly Other.

I don't get answers clearly laid out in plain english ... this is a realm that communicates in an entirely different way. But you may find it shifts your awareness in everyday life, that you start to deal with problems, people, life in general in a slightly different way. This is how it talks to me.

My immediate read of the partnergame description was that yes, our decisions - our focus - determines our reality. we make many decisions lightly, without much thought of the consequence, or without real intent. And maybe this is what you are being shown - that decisions and choices made with clear intent can shape your reality... and that this is serious business. Maybe its trying to tell you to pay more attention to these decisions.

It's interesting you have come out of this more aware of things within yourself that you feel need to be changed, or fixed ... that's certainly been my experience, too.

Its sometimes a difficult journey, this; and I've often felt like I'm 'stuck' in a particular level of hyperspace. Things are often similar. But I think the 'stuckness' is in myself. When I implement some of the things I find, it seems to respond.

Good luck with your travels, friend - take care and let us know how you get on.

much love!

Thanks 88, that made me feel better.

I suppose what you say makes sense. How can I expect progress with my lessons if I haven't implemented what I've learned already? And it's true, I have a habit of making decisions and not acting upon them. I think I will wait until the end of my exams to do DMT again and until then try to stick to my revision schedule and other ways to demonstrate good decision-making It's interesting because no matter how much I reflect upon how intense it is and on this strange not-too-pleasant feeling, a kind of pressure in my sinuses that seems to spread to my whole body, I am always taken aback by it.

Welcome to the Nexus! Thanks so much for sharing this, really enjoyable report. Be cool, be well.

I suspect that judging this space as being unpleasant from a human perspective, and then despairing about spending eternity there, is wrong thinking. Maybe it is just your own psyche that finds it unpleasant. There might be some who experience the same thing, and yet relish it. There might be still others for whom it is a kind of hell.

I would not like to exist as a mole rat, yet I'm sure from the mole rat perspective, it is quite acceptable.

I don't think we shall be enduring the ultimate reality as we are now. The ultimate reality becomes us, for play or whatever reason, and then goes back to as it was. And even if it is objectively unpleasant, it seems ultimate reality spends quite a bit of time being what it is not.

We are the same in this respect ... I know what I need to do to change, but I am not doing it; and this has been a focus of recent journeys.

I see this as a visitation to the ECCO (Earth Coincidence Control Office). I think the ECCO is constantly operating, even now, in this moment. The only thing that happened was that with the help of DMT you managed to focus your attention to that level of existence (turned the knob on your receiver).

If I got back to this same place every time, I'd surely want/try to learn what that "place" or state of being was about...

Didn't you experience a clash between the intentions/needs of your observer self and the workings of the game master? Like living two existences at the same time, one (the game master) doing its thing flawlessly, automatically, the other (your earthly self) being confused at what is happening? If so, I'd recommend practicing meditation down here and when it becomes natural (this takes at least two months in my experience), then go back and try to meditate over there.

The idea is that through meditation you can probably "synchronize" your earthly self with the game master (your other-dimensional version) and this may lead to a deeper understanding and appreciation/enjoyment of what is happening.

It's also possible that you as a human being could add something important to the workings of the game master. Perhaps the game master is currently in a vegetative (non-awakened) state, it's doing its thing entirely on auto-pilot, waiting for you here on the Earth to wake up and take conscious control of the game.

Yes that's an interesting way of looking at it. It may well be that the correct thing to do is not to try to take control of the game, but to feel completely in tune with it, in which case something will click in 'normal' reality. I remember that when I arrived there, Jack was the entity waiting for me to join the game, I looked up at him extremely flabberghasted and he started to play the game, but the game involved more than just us sitting across each other and waving our hands, we were kind of joined together and could only play it together, in synchronicity. Ie one move would involve both him moving one of his hands up and me moving one of mine to the right or whatever. I remember in the beginning I felt kind of compelled to do it and that made me feel uncomfortable, but when we got into playing the game it was very matter of factly, I don't remember feeling it was unpleasant, in fact it gave me a certain satisfaction playing the game and 'getting it just right'. I think it's more in hindsight than anything else I feel this way, the fact that the vertigo/confusion/compulsion took up a larger percentage of the time than just getting into it.

I also got the feeling that it was constantly operating, that I was just tuning into it at this one moment, or we were tuning into it...

By the way the other strange thing about this is that Jack isn't really willing to talk about it. It's like every time I tell him I remember something more and ask him to confirm he says yeah that's about right, and when I ask him why he doesn't just explain it to me he says it's better if I find it out on my own. That makes me think that he, being much more experienced than I, actually TOOK me to this ECCO thing, and why isn't he explaining it to me? I can see this DMT thing becoming a long journey...

Oh wow, I just found this: http://67.55.50.201/lilly/eccox.html

It makes much more sense than it should do.

Especially the way that it says: discover/create - I felt the same mix between describe/choose, remember/participate, surrender/decide..

I can think of three things here:

1) he's really in the know

In this case the reason for him not discussing it may be because he knows that bringing down information like that - trying to create a model for the experience in order to understand it with the rational mind - does in some way disrupt the game, in an "explaining art tends to destroy it" sort of way.

2) he doesn't want to know

On several occasions I got into situations where people denied to acknowledge something that we together experienced on a trip. In these cases the denial was not of the "I know it happened but I think there are alternative explanations" kind, but of the "I'm just trying to shut it out completely so it ceases to exist for me; please don't force me to acknowledge that reality can be something much wider than I'm accustomed to believe" kind.

If this is the case, then it's probably better to keep this thing to yourself. The problem is, these experiences will surely get into and transform your everyday life. If he cannot be a partner in this voyage then probably it's better to stop experimenting with DMT now.

3) none of us know, it was just your brain misfiring.

Don't get too worked up, it will fade away.

If these are the choices, it's definitely the former. After all, he's the one who introduced me to it. I think there is no question about whether we experienced the same thing or not, I just want to know how he felt about it.. clearly only another journey together can give me these answers, but that will have to wait some months.

what do you mean by"i got stuck in the loop"
do you mean thought loop?or something else?
and you didn't said much about the title...how could you find fractals as the ultimate reality?
was it because of the feelings you got or some other reason you have?