Lately, in the days following smoking DMT, I have a sense of looking out through my eyes from another perspective. Almost through others. Everything looks brighter, there is more color, more definition. My city/apartment life looks like a part of a huge ‘jungle’ made by humans. I deeply feel the biological-machine-humanity of it all in a very different way. As if I am an outsider looking in. I noticed this many times and found it hard to find words to describe the experience. Here are the best words I have to describe it. It feels like beings, billions of years into the future, have reanimated this world, and my being through (maybe?) a speck of dust. Archaeologists of a kind. And are bearing witness to this life of a human billions of years ago. Witnessing fully with love. It is inexplicable to feel that immensity of time distance with such closeness.

Yesterday, I had microdosed with San Pedro. It feels like a heart opening and softening for the entire day. And with the opening, comes a more attuned sensation of the pain around my heart and its desire to be closed. An expansion of my capacity with sensation, being, and feeling love. As I walked down the street, I felt the love that pulses into the aliveness of trees and plants and soil and sky. I felt love and trust for the humans walking past me. And a simultaneous sense of great aloneness in this vast pulsation of life that I am a part of.

Later I took a few tokes of DMT. Lying down in a room. The first toke was a long journey. I felt the presence of loving beings, the DMT bringing us together in a huge deep inhale. They transmitted their great spaces of love to me, bore divine witness to my being. That I don’t need to be anything, be successful, be anything more than I am. That I exist, and that I am a portal of life force energy is enough, is everything. I can’t remember it all, but I remember as the space began to fade out, and I began slowly returning, they gave me a creature that would accompany me back saying:, “this is our gift to you. This creature will help you return back into the body with ease and love, and will help you in your beingness. We are doing this because we love you and want to make this shift back easeful on your system.”

I returned. Full of grief and gratitude. I felt utterly utterly alone. Instead of running from this huge ache, I stayed with it and wept long and loudly.

Later I took a couple more tokes. Each one bringing me out of the body and back in several times, like a kind of practice. Each shift showing me different aspects of the design of my being and my soul, how it is possible to move closer into love through pain, suffering and aloneness. How we are all galaxies unto ourselves. I saw my body as a body of light, with compartments and areas that represent different aspects of my being-ness.The final time I came back, I could feel bands of energy that felt like entrapment. I could feel the entrapment of my room, of my thoughts, of my fears, of my past. A real binding me into loneliness with an equal desire for intimacy.I acknowledged that I feel trapped in my isolation (although surrounded by loving and caring community, friends and intimates that is growing in love and trust). And I wonder what it would be like to loosen these bindings? How much can I love? How much capacity can I have to bear witness to myself, to the moment, and to others?

This is one of the kinds of DMT experiences I have. Creatures traveling through billions of years of time to connect and be together. I don’t necessarily think that this is what is actually happening. But these words give a kind of description to a felt sense that language doesn’t properly convey, and also to a felt sense of new kinds of experience and sensation that I haven't found words for. The main opening that I really feel is a capacity to witness, as a gift of being human, and as a gift from these creatures that might be creatures or might be a part of myself speaking to myself, or whatever it is.

This is a very interesting experience. Thank you for sharing.

Thank you!

Charlie Rascal,

Thank you so much for that well thought out, written and edited report. It was a great read.

It seems like there was a decent amount of sadness, lonliness and concern about limitations that may have come up. Also, from reading the report, I got the sense that you did a good job just accepting, rolling with it, being with it. These are admirable traits that to this day I am still working on refining.

So, that was yesterday. Did you eat a good meal before bed? How have you been feeling today?

I'd also love to revisit this in a week or even six months to get a check in on how you will be feeling about the material that came up yesterday. I suspect that will be very telling.

Again, that was an ejoyable read. I hope you get more questions and comments because you did a great job writing up a powerful set of experiences. Thank you.

Hi Pandora,

Thanks for checking in and writing. Loneliness is something that comes up often when I trip alone. So I generally do it with others, and find that very supportive. I've noticed that the loneliness is an internalized thing and not necessarily true of my external circumstances. So I have really been developing a different kind of relationship with it, as well as noticing all the ways that I keep myself at a distance too I was actually grateful for the grieving that came with the trip. I haven't cried like this since a very long time; it didn't feel heavy, it kind of just came and went.

In the space of DMT and other psychedelics I feel so deeply connected to everything, and so much love. Love as an inextricable something that exists through myself as a portal of life force energy. The past five years has been a real titration of bringing together the differences between my daily life and this undeniable bliss state of life force energy that I feel so easily in these spaces. And with that, really recognizing my own fears of deepening intimacy with the people around me, as well as being super kind with myself in working with that and fine tuning discernment in my desires for community and love where I get to be my own wildly weird self with other wildly weird selves.

Receiving the utter grace of deep love with creatures in the space of DMT is a reminder to me that there are billions of humans on our planet and maybe I can let go of my own distancing habits with real live flesh and blood humans. They kept me alive as a child, but not so much anymore.