Hi everyone, this is my first post here. I was recommended this forum by a good friend of mine, who was once an active member. It's funny actually, the way that we met each other is that we were both in shared accommodation for people who were at a point where they had nowhere to go. I heard someone talking about spiritual experiences in the living area, specifically related to DMT, and this prompted me to go out and talk to him. He's been my best bud for years now.

The reason he began using DMT was partly due to the grief of having lost his mother. This was something that we immediately had in common, and a critical point of why I am now considering DMT myself. However, my situation is a bit complex. It seems clear that DMT does in fact have the potential to assist an individual in resolving trauma. However, there are some specific qualities to my position that are worth taking into account...

The first point is that that I have experienced more grief and loss than most other 28 year old's that I meet in my day to day life. My mother died when I was 18, my sister died when I was 22, and my dad had a bike accident leaving him with permanent brain damage, and died earlier this year. The culmination of these events have led me to points of chronic alcoholism, nihilism and self-destruction.

The second point is that in 2017, I had an experience which changed my life forever. There was some cannabis use involved, but never any psychedelics. It involved a sensation in which I felt my chest being pried open, but instead of being painful, it was like absolute bliss as I felt an incredible amount of fear and tension pouring out like a fountain. Accompanied by this sensation was a profound realization that "life was doing me", and that I was not a separate individual inside of life.

The third point relates to the absurd way in which I perceive this experience to operate. Your term of "condensation" seems to resemble what I am talking about, others might use "synchronicity". I have been left with a personal conviction that life itself is intelligent, and much like your notions of integration, and being shut out, I have been left with a very clear understanding of how "Life" or "Love" or "God" had provided me opportunities for liberation of my trauma in the past, and how my own choices have resulted in me rejecting that healing of my own free will. The best case scenario is that it is just a psychosis, the worst case scenario is that I have dug my own hole and the consequences are catastrophic.

The fourth and final point relates to the overwhelming amount of negative energy and trauma which has made its home in the deep emotional wounds that I carry with me. When I became aware of Life's intelligent nature, and had that blissful experience, I also became aware of just how much spiritual and emotional pain I am in. It is as if I am constantly "hallucinating" the sensation of a barbed wire chain wrapped tightly around my throat, arms, shoulders, stomach etc. and have also experienced, many years ago, firsthand, the indescribable bliss of these chains being loosened.

So now we teeter on the edge of what has brought me here. I am looking for a solution. The pain I experience is so dark, deep seated, and of such a seemingly spiritual nature, that 10+ years of therapy have left me with nothing but a piqued curiosity and an intellectual understanding of how we as humans try to approach the nature of the mind. This is not a matter of the mind, but the heart, of which mine has closed itself off due to an overwhelming amount of FEAR and SHAME which I cannot begin to comprehend. Glimpses of it have left me terrified, and I live in a state where the distant, yet ever present intensity of these emotions lingers.

The friend of mine which I mentioned at the beginning of the post broke through on his second attempt. He said it felt "more home than here, more real than here", but was eventually shut out due to becoming dependent on that feeling and repeatedly ignoring warnings. He was eventually slapped and hasn't tried to go back since, because he "got the message".
Before doing DMT, he had never done any kind of psychedelic. No LSD, no psilocybin, nothing, and still hasn't. Neither have I. He said that this specific forum suggested he should start off with one such drug before moving on to DMT, but after a great many journeys, says he does not regret his decision.

He says that if I respect the substance, and go in with the intention to try and grow and seek healing, he can't say for sure what I will experience, but does not think I would come out of it worse than I went in. However, it's still just the perspective of one person. What do you think?

IF YOU HAVE TAKEN THE TIME TO READ ALL THIS, THANK YOU.
You did not have to, and I appreciate any input that you have to offer.

Lamewick,

Welcome to the Nexus. Thank you so much for this well thought out and detailed post.

I want to express my resonance and comradarie with you over having lost loved ones suddenly, horrifically and violently at age 18. I would be the first one to say outright that those events ruined the life I was going to live. My tragectory was detonated with an H Bomb of grief and confusion. Almost 40 years later, I still, occassionally, deal with the ramifications of this.

I too tried therapy and gave up before you did. I just couldn't do the trauma work.

Trauma is so difficult. There is no panacea, no quick fix.

DMT is strong medicine but it is up to us to do the work. Many amazing things can happen in hyperspace, including a sense of being healed but one must always return to the consensual reality of the here and now and a culture that is deeply troubled and ill.

As someone who used way too much DMT over 10 years ago but who has come back to it with big integration breaks between uses, I can say that for me the real work is done in the integration.

DMT trips are hard to remember so as I come down I break my trance and hit the word processor. As some days pass I try to fill out what I wrote with more retrieved memories and thoughts about what it means - a kind of analysis and aftermath.

I honestly do not know if it is helping or if a similar approach might help you. I would counsel you to proceed slowly, in particular since some of your work is on fear and shame. DMT rips the mind wide open, flays it into fine layers then says, "LOOK!!!" It insists we face our fears and come to an accomodation or a surrendering stance. This. Is. Not. Easy. Not easy by any means.

DMT is not for everyone. Old members of this forum know this because of what we have seen and have had happen to us.

The reason we recommend starting with something like mushrooms and working your way up is because of the sheer balls to the wall intensity and inescabability of the DMT state. Good to cultivate a few surrender and tripping skills before diving into the Marianis Trench, so to speak.

I think I have written enough. I wish you nothing but peace, love, healing, acceptance, integration and intentionality on your journey.

I do hope you will look into the teks and think about growing your own mushrooms or extracting your own DMT.

Again, welcome,

Welcome to the Nexus!

I´m sorry you have gone through such difficult life experiences, I can only imagine how hard it has been for you losing your loved ones. Peace be upon their souls!

On the other hand, I´m glad you have gotten glimpses of another possible worldview and mindset, and that you are looking to heal trauma and change perspective on things.

Psychedelics can definitely do that, though nothing is guaranteed. Also the choice of psychedelic that works better for oneself can differ from person to person. For example for me, while vaporized DMT has been amazing, I find I´ve been more healed from ayahuasca (oral DMT with harmalas) and mushrooms.

I also think you should not put all your eggs in one basket and have too strong expectations about how psychedelics will fix things... continue with other types of healing strategies like therapy, and never forget the ´basics´ like living a healthy balanced life: good sleeping habit, exercise, good nutrition, keeping some entertaining hobby, expressing through some sort of artistic endeavor like writing, music, visual arts, etc.. All of this together works way better than just psychedelics on their own imo.

I wish you the best of luck, and do ask questions or comment on threads of your interest.

Be well

I have still not used DMT.

If you are familiar with the Law of One, I believe a Service-to-Self entity may have interest over my incarnation.

However, I am also alive, which means that I have some sort of free will over my life and my choices to come.

I believe that a DMT-related-entity may be able to help with this. (As opposed to humans).

I mean, life is scary when everything you have ever loved has been taken away from you, why would you choose to open up if you know the grief that it entails?
Not only that, you know that life is indeed intelligent, so there must be a good reason for all of this, do you feel like it is all you fault? Is this what you deserve?

You say that it has been your choice over and over not to heal, why do you think you have made those choices?

When did the pain begin? Do you have a sense of when you experienced that fear and shame for the first time?
What happened when you mom died?

Any idea why that StS entity might be interested in you?