Fellow explorers is it just me or is there a link between when I'm being called to a breakthrough during times when my suicidal ideations are running high?

Make no mistake this is no cry for help as I have struggled with ideations since adolescence being middle aged. I feel this is a huge component to being called to the medicine over 25 years ago and am barely putting the two together.

This is my estimation, based on my experience.

I think part(s) of me see how beautiful Mother Nature is. Paychedelics got through to those parts so far.

Part(s) of me hadn't or havn't realized such beauty, at leat not yet, due to belief(s) that one is non-worthy, for variius reasons.

Thats the integrating the experiences we talk about, I guess.

Perhaps when we journey in the future, the parts who didn't see it before, will experiemce healing.

I wish I could perfectly language what I mean .

I feel the same way. Like I'm being reunited with lost parts of myself. As if my higher self is leading me back time and time again despite my stubbornness to be reminded of the beauty of existence.

One of my most powerful experiences involved being greeted by two people in what looked like a doctor's office, an older hunchback gentleman with a cane and glasses while the other lady was a beautiful dark skinned woman with radiant skin and a beautiful ethnic dress. As I seemed to have interrupted what they were so busy working on so to bother them for a moment as they asked me, "Can I help you with something?" I can still see their expressions the way they were waiting for my response for me to mutter, "Healing!" As soon as I said that they started laughing at me hysterically and looked at each other while the lady told the old man, "oh he doesn't know!" The old man was still laughing while he told me "why are here looking to us for something that you've had the whole time, you don't need us for that!"

I'm right there with you. I got the call earlier in the week. I knew it was time to reboot, but haven't had the chance. I woke up this morning with a head full of intrusive thoughts. So tomorrow I will probably do 3.5 grams cubensis and have my gvg standing by.
No cry for help here either. It's just a fact of life.

Perhaps, it means that both ethnic folk ways and modernity can help you heal.

This one hits home.

For me, I think it's a way for me to safely touch that void without making it permanent. Gives me a renewed appreciation for my sentience.

Breakthroughs have been a sort of pressure relief valve for me to release my built up stress over time. Stress that I carry that I don't even know that I have until something triggers the emotional release. The stress has worked against me time and time again pushing me to the same point. I cringe looking at my daughter who is around the same age as I was when I started to struggle with intrusive thoughts of self harm.

Years of psychotherapy didn't even scratch the surface unlike deep reflection with the aid of psychedelics to explore the complex ptsd that I've been gifted with due to the emotional neglect one endures growing up in a single parent household with a workaholic for the stable parent and a severe alcoholic for the unavailable dad who ends up drinking himself to death by the time I turned 21. I was led to believe this man was my biological father for my whole life into adulthood for my biological brother to come out that he knows more about me than I do since we share biological dad's. His wife, my sister in law, had been trying to track me down via internet with great success. It turns out me and my bro click but not me and my biological dad. It only took very little time to see the character of my biological dad to know I dodged a bullet and don't have a desire to get to know him as he too is a very active alcoholic who cheated on his wife with my mom to have me. To only know I'm only good to him under certain conditions makes me see him nothing more than a sperm donor.

Each time I journey I feel the love of my ancestors embrace me to push my existence further while beholding the beauty each one of us carries.

Thank you everyone for sharing and being willing to be so vulnerable.

While I'm still in a state where it's a struggle to get myself to get a breakthrough journey, I do have this experience as well, and tend to just smoalk what I can without judgment. I experience suicidal ideation a handful of times a year. Nature of the game. We do what works for us, mindfully, to manage and cope with these kinds of experiences.

One love