I am 20 yrs old. I've experimented with psychedelics for a while, with moderate breaks in between each time I've tried one. I'm honestly pretty proud of how I use these substances, or at least the way I don't abuse them. I wish I could say I used them more "spiritually," but I'm having trouble figuring that out. Usually, at some point on a long enough timeline, I'll get bored and remember how much fun I used to have with LSD and Shrooms and I'll try to dive back into it hoping I learn something new and if I'm lucky feel good while doing it.

For a while now though every time I take any psychedelic, they all feel very similar. They feel just like DMT which, with the exception of my very first trip and a few combos, tends to feel very stressful. All the entheogens will usually lead me down a rabbit hole of confusion where during the whole trip I'm chasing my tail. Just thinking in circles at maximum velocity, trying to make it somewhere. I think to a place where I can comfortably experience what I'm experiencing... maybe.

Now I know full well this is a trick of the mind. My ego or thought patterns keeping me from the current moment during the trip. I can only assume it does this because my ego feels as though it's dying but that's mainly an assumption based on things I've read. This process is very aggressive on DMT. During the trip, I feel very uncomfortable and confused. Like I'm slipping on ice trying to find my footing the whole time.

When trying to integrate these experiences, it tends to feel pretty ineffable and the only answer is to meditate more or wait another time when I'm hopefully let through the confusion or "deemed worthy" to break through. Meditating more is really the stand-out answer in my head though, as the experiences I've had while meditating correlate with these confusing headspaces DMT seems to throw at me, usually being the complete opposite. Whereas DMT is a confusing color overload and my mind chats endlessly out of anxiety, meditation can bring the most engulfing silence and peace I've ever experienced (if I'm lucky). It would make sense to meditate more and learn to bring these skills/feelings into the psychedelic space. But I'm having a tough time with it.

I'm just not sure if that's what I'm supposed to be doing or if maybe the doors are shut for me across the board. I feel anxiety about my age and my preparedness for these experiences and even though it feels like I'm learning something, there's another side to the anxiety of the experience where it feels like I'm a stupid kid being punished for going where I shouldn't have dared go. I'm scared that whenever I do breakthrough, it'll be something I'll regret ever wanting.

What do you guys think? I hear that I should "let go" a lot or just "accept" the experience. These aren't new concepts to me, I've read plenty about it but I can't seem to make them work for me experientially.

EDIT: How do I reply to specific answers?

Hi there and welcome to the Nexus. Glad you are here

Firstly, very nice introduction post, dont worry about it, these things are tricky, complex, and take patience and integration hehe !

Can you tell us a bit more about your meditation practices? Have you ever gone through the Waking Up by Sam Harris btw (which is free if you ask them for it via email, no questions asked) have you tried meditating a lot more, also do you smoke dmt, or drink it, or changa? Have you played around with doses?

On the upper left corner of the forums there is a Chat button, there are usually some experienced users there, feel free to open it up in a new tab, semi afk, and see if you can find someone to talk to about this We are all nice welcome folk here, with experiences in the psychedelic realms, so dont ever be shy!

Thank you for posting, and hope you'll get some answers during your stay!

Commit, surrender, time, practice.

Those are all ideas that came to mind while reading your introduction. Thank you for sharing so much.

For people that seem to want to "do the work" on a deep level in their core, psychedelics will lose some of their "fun factor," which isn't to say that they can't still be fun, but it's not the psychedelic's priority to provide you with. The "honeymoon" period ends, things get a little harder (or much), and we see that the embrace of psychedelics isn't all sunshine and rainbows .

And you're already "worthy" that's why you're presented with these challenges.

I encourage you to meditate. Learn to be with it all, even what you'd prefer to have solved but isn't and the confusion that you feel. That's not to say that you shouldn't try to understand, but there are somethings we may not be able to understand in the ways that we'd like. Sometimes an understanding evades words. It becomes a part of your being.

All of this to say keep it up. You're doing well and in a place of discovery, which is very beautiful.

Welcome to the Nexus.

One love

Thank you! It's nice to get such a warm welcome to this awesome community.

When meditating I usually try to focus on the sounds around me for 10 minutes, throwing in a body-scan or two in there when I feel like it. I have gone through the Waking Up app, which I used for a while making it to the hour-long sessions. Around this time I had an experience of 'no thought' and since then it's been harder and harder to meditate. For a while after I just didn't. But I can once again handle a 10-minute session nearly everyday.

I smoke DMT using a terp pern. Seems pretty efficient. The one time I tried really aiming for a breakthrough with my dose, the confusing color mess I usually experienced just intensified to crazy proportions. Everything in my mind felt like it was being obliterated and I was watching my thoughts quickly zap in and turn to nothing shortly after. That experience was very uncomortable and it makes me very hesitant to try going that far again. But after reading lots of books and reports, it would appear that I hope to seek is just beyond that scary experience... but god it's so freaky and I'm not sure how to do it.