As for rest my minds chattering in my sleep. I haven't had a full nights rest in weeks.
My minds just jumping to random garbage now though, thoughts that are not mine. I observe them but I feel more unconscious you could say. I have watched my mood drop though still. I think partially due to sleep.

The only thing I'm trying to emphasis is I was present in the now and lived in bliss during that time.

I will admit to enjoying thinking about things but only when the mind is my slave to me. Thinking is a past time somewhat but not in the sense of my mind now and not during everyday life only when alone and pondering.

As for the mind and attachment to it, I do know i'm the observer but the mind buzz and lack of sharpness I have right now is debilitating on me.

Even in my work my mind is jumping around to stupid things.

[qoute]be free forever , as life is only one moment called "Now" , you gotta meditate in the "Now" , forever as "Now" never ends

your mind will be stronger very soon , yet i would'nt advice you to ever let this go as the more you do this the stronger you'll become , do it forever and you might laugh at the face of death Twisted Evil

also remember if you keep enjoying each and every moment of your life you life will become a true expression of happiness and what is a better life than one where each moment is enjoyed to the fullest

yes i am the enjoyer i enjoy life and i enjoy death , i am one of those who enjoy my pain and celebrate it , i dance to the madness , nothing can ever get me down i am free forever

and i am you , we are same , we are one
all of us , we are one [/qoute] I do not fear death or anything such as that. I fear the emptiness of my mind right now. The problem I keep facing in my mind is you describe the place I feel I've lost. From here I've been told that was not me that was in the present moment and he's gone.
I am practicing your method though but the attachment to sound is interesting. When it becomes habit I don't think it will be as bold of a thing I guess you could say.


Now that I think about it I just need some positivity as i've just watched negativity consume myself.

Understood. The only thing I'm trying to emphasize is that was then, then is gone. You can't do anything about THAT, and anything that can be done, can only ever be done with THIS.

I too had a wonderful, enlightening moment somewhere in my past, at this point I am nowhere near that state, but that was in the past. I can't bring that moment back, but I can work to unfold that state of awareness in the present... in fact that's the only thing I can do which is possible.

It's basically like this, you see your mind wavering, wobbling, (at this moment) so just watch it. The more you are a witness to it, an observer, a watcher, the less the mind will wobble (and this does not happen overnight, it took me months to settle mine) Once you get grounded in witnessing, or observing, or just being aware, THAT should be your fundamental decision maker, not your mind. Anything that comes out of awareness is fine, anything that comes out of mind is probably not. Anything that comes out of mind, through awareness, is ok.

have fun, everything will settle in time, just gotta have patience.

not really as if your mind would be really empty then there would be no problems , infact an empty mind would have no chatter , i am familar with the chatter in sleep and can definetly tell you it will subside within 3 months or sooner if you keep practicing the technique , still the mind may think some positive things however my advice is let go of even the positivity for that is still chatter , no matter how good insights you may get clarity is not an insight its an experience




true this is a fact yet the moment is not really gone , you can get it back easily with practice , also remember paying attention to breath is a very good technique aswell and can be used at the same time while listening to external sounds for superior results than any technique alone

also remember whenever any negativity pops up or not , just take a deep breath here and there throught the day

my meditation routine is basicly to listen to a new downloaded album of music everyday atleast for an hour while paying attention to my breath at the same time ( even 30 mins is sufficient ) , sitting or lying down still in any position is an added bonus to the whole thing if you can lie still -- this helps us have control on our physical body

after that i continue the rest of my day paying attention to sounds continuously , rarely paying attention to my breath throught the day as i am very forgetful , however i'll just take a deep breath every now and then filling my lungs with oxygen

its a fact that if proper amount of oxygen does not reach the brain , the brain will not function properly , and if we are stressed out we dont really breathe deeply try breathin through the abdomen while taking deep breaths , this does'nt have to be done always just whenever you feel like

also remember if you ever choose to trip again listening to music , paying attention to breath and deep breaths at times will make it much more fun .......

also about the caffiene , you can use caffiene to your advantage if only you follow a prescribed doseage of 250 mg coffee which is 17 mg of caffiene , every 4.5 hours apart from each other ( not befor 4.5 hours , later is ok yet not sooner )

also remember not to mess with coffee if you cannot measure your dose as anything above 320 mg of coffee makes me temporarily insane , on the box of nescafe they say to put like 1 teaspoonful which is 1 gram of coffee which contains 68 mg caffiene according to nescafe , yet i have found that dose can definetly worsen my condition , infact i cant ever go over 400 mg of coffee , i have no idea how other people tolerate such amounts , i never drink coffee at coffee shops or other places as they definetly overdose all the time and i am very specific about my doseage , avoid red bull and other strong beverages of this nature as caffiene can only worsen your state of mind if a specific doseage is not followed .....this is very important .........please measure your dose and not drink cola or tea as they both contain caffiene

it can be used as a supplement if you choose to ...at the right doseage

remember i am not going to advice you anything which will make your condition worse as i have suffered through the same thing aswell , just remember you'll have to measure your dose precisely and never go above that for it does get worse above 300 mg yet under 200 mg it doesnt bring clarity so precise 250 mg always .........tell me if this is adding something to the clarity in your mind , the right dose can be an elixr while an overdose is certainly poison , i take chemical help wherever i can and in proper doseages

remember you will be free , it might take some time , yet you will be free of all this , even life is temporary , why worry about other things when life itself is temporary , just enjoy it



yes yes yessssssssssss

For supplements I take a 5-htp, l-carnatine, and a multivitamin currently. I need to get a racetam and I've seen good results with them before but I don't know if anyone local has them. I may have to order a few. Any recommendations there or for other supplements? Any ideas on the best racetam or a few of the top ones?

As far as accepting this a moving forward, once my mind is free from clutter I assume my memories, sharpness, etc, will come back into light over time. Essentially everything I "think" i've lost will return in due time.

I'm still in a state of denial though I can honestly say and am hungup on the past.

I would personally drop the 5-htp alltogether, I've never taken it, but am well versed in all kinds of hormonal supps, and from what I can tell it's not very user-friendly in the long run. Raises prolactin levels, messes with cortisol output, both of which are not exactly beneficial.

Never tried the racetams, but I've taken d-serine at 3g daily for a month and that seemed to give a boost to clearer memory recall.

Also may want to look into pregnolone, supposedly good mood elevator, never took it.

Honestly you don't really need ANY supplements whatsoever, your natural system will eventually resolve itself if you give it time. But up to you

edit- if trying d-serine, get the Prototype Nutrition stuff, it's not exactly something that everyone sells at same quality like table salt.

yesssssssssss

this is the root of your problem ledsmoke , why did'nt you mention this before , as broken as pointed out you need to drop this right now

drop l- cartinine too

mutivitamin is ok i guess

and why are you going for racetams when you even don't want to consume a little coffee to feel alert

are you really trying to clear your mind because everything your doing is possibly the opposite of that ....... why would you then be so surprised with this state of your mind when you're clearly doing everything in your power to mess it up with all these chems

also head to the gym , it definetly helps

wasn't aware 5-htp would get me screwy as it re-uptakes serotonin I thought. Figured it would help enhance mood. I will cut out my supplements though. Is ginkgo a no go as well?

I thought the chems were helping honestly. Some racetams build cognitive function and help support anxiety aniracetam in particular. I just thought they were helping.

Why is 5-htp a root of the problem?

It's hard to tell what percentage of your overall presentation is affectation and what percentage is pathology, but at the risk of offending you (without the explicit intention of doing so) the vast majority of your commentary in this thread has been a lot of circular gibberish.

You should really, really, really stop looking for chemical solutions to your problem. If you are experiencing integration issues, STOP TAKING ALL DRUGS FOR AS LONG AS IT TAKES TO WORK IT OUT. Stop obsessing on the nature and meaning of your previous "enlightenment", and deal with the earthbound nuts and bolts of actually taking care of yourself.

If you take psychedelics for the purpose of bolstering some otherworldly belief system, the truth is that you will never run out of material to draw from, though it won't necessarily be good for you, enlighten you in any way, or make you happy. Wait until you can use them as an adjunct to a healthy and balanced life - you'll enjoy them more and chances are better that you'll benefit to a larger degree.

^^This, in a nutshell. But to answer your question, cortisol is the stress hormone, and if it's allowed to flow freely it could add to the anxiety. Prolactin is a female hormone (also available in the male body) and would also not be beneficial for you in excess for obvious reasons. Of course all of these are temporary afflictions, but still, no bueno.

The seratonin bit I wasn't aware of, but even if true, that would explain the initial perceived benefit from 5-htp and the other things I mentioned above would explain why it's not such a great long-term solution. You don't need it. yes, there is an optimal way to use it, but you would need more drugs to counter-act the negatives, and it's basically pointless. Benefits not worth the effort

you're asking for physical solutions to natural problems. Drop the supplementation, your body produces all the proper natural chemicals you could possibly need. Exercise releases dopamine in the brain, boosts self-esteem, and gives you clarity. Proper nutrition also goes a long way. Stick to natural simplicity and common sense, and you can't go wrong

Hey ledsmoke,
You've gotten a lot of very good help in this thread. But you've trapped yourself in a labyrinth of emotions. Your body is screaming at you to give it the rest and TLC it needs. You need sleep. Focus on sleep hygiene. Practice it. Journal your sleep and the emotions you feel everyday. You DON'T need your brain to figure anything else out for you until you empower your body to heal ITSELF. Stop fighting your body today. Your body is wise. It is responding to the chaos you trapped in your working memory by trying to tell you it needs you to help it rest and heal. Listen to your body. Stop thinking about this mental trap you dug yourself into until your body feels strong and healthy again. You can't get out of this one until you regain your circadian rhythm. Trust me on this one. Lay low under the communal radar. Light, easy exercise in the sun, healthy meals, and RESPECT YOUR BASIC BODILY NEEDS. The brain doesn't work well without a healthy body and regular sleep patterns. You've proven that to yourself.

Go to bed at 9pm. Meditate on clearing your mind before you lay down.
Wake up after 8 hours, or when your body is ready. Meditate again.
Light exercise and sun daily. Read something easy for an hour per day. It doesn't matter what. Consider it exercise also.
Eat healthy.
Socialize as often as you can. It's okay to tell people you're having a rough time right now. Insomnia is a bitch.
Repeat until you feel healthy.

If after 7 calendar days you are still struggling, you need figure out which part of your daily cycle your body is rejecting. Take baby steps! Don't forget you are in a fragile state. Don't overload yourself. Focus on your body's needs. You are temporarily wounded. You need to rest and heal.

Remember: no drugs! No extra supplements or anything. Hide them away until you are well again. They are a trap. They will distract you from your body's call for recovery time.

Peace and love to you, my friend. Take care of your primate body.

Uncle Knucles: No offense taken. I'm fully aware it's circular. As for chemicals I was using them previously beforehand and had no idea they could be affecting me now. It's not the nature of meaning of it I focus on just the mind loop of losing it. The idea of that isn't the really worry some part, it's the feeling of detachment from self and depersonalization that gets me. just pure identification of my mind. I just want to feel at home in my self is all and be able to flow in life instead of this. My thoughts jump and dive all over to the strangest of things. I use psychedelics as a way to dig deeper into myself and generally to have a good time with my mates. Also to tear down the walls of the mind and be existence at its purest. Psychedelics never fully enlightened me but after reaching that point they aided in delving deeper and increase focus.

Warrior: Emotionally I'm angry at myself, stressed, anxious, and a tad sad but anger and anxiety are what I see mainly. The anger comes from blaming myself for doing this and not accepting it. Could be from quitting nicotine as well. I work outside so I'm in the sun but for sleep I get woken up by thoughts throughout the night. Meaningless thoughts but keeping me awake regardless.

^The only thing I would disagree with in that video is the use of the mantra. A mantra can also create attachment, the only thing that doesn't, is awareness, or just being conscious of all that is. Again, it can also be used productively, but only so far as it doesn't create attachment

How long has it been since quitting? You've got all sorts of stuff changing in your life at once, it sounds like. You've got to look for a path to ground yourself again.

Regarding the sleep: make that your priority. Reinvent your whole sleep routine if you have to. Use all responsible tools possible. You need to rest your brain to restore clarity. Make it a ceremony until you have found your center, feel grounded, and have 1) worked through the patterning of emotion (its changing all the time without you knowing it, hence the babbling brain), and 2) find your ability to clear your mind again. Call upon your inner strength when you meditate. Do it with intention. Growl under your breath if you have to. It's excellent for channeling your limited energy capacity and connecting with your body (I find). Your brain is distracting you, and you're so swamped with angst you can't find a proper path to declutter and care for yourself. Call upon your inner strength and feel the energy radiate from your heart. Feel it intensify as you breath. That is your inner strength. You can draw on it whenever you need it. That is how to weather, and eventually clear the passing storms. It takes time, but if you don't call upon your inner strength, you will remain lost and imprisoned. If you can call upon it, you will be free indefinitely. Nothing can take that away. No person, no group, no prison system, and no physical pain. You have to quit whining and learn to clean up the emotional messes it is possible to stir up. This is life. You have to suck it up and ride it out. Release your fears. Fears are irrational right now. They do not serve you at this time. Fears drive negative emotions. Now go. Everything is a distraction while your mind is left to wander at the mercy of a confused and tired brain. Everything. Even this forum.

you'll be fine within a week now you have stopped ingesting 5htp , give your body certain time to flush all the excess serotonin from your system

raising levels of a neurotransmitter in your system without knowing how this will affect you is precisely what has put you in this position , let it all flush out ,

also when you're back to normal you can still use these techniques to keep your mind sharp and live outside your head

Broken child: I can't watch the video at the moment as im on satellite internet. I will watch it soon though.

warrior: 3 days now? I smoke maybe half a cigarette a day though. I have tried to find my inner strength or inner self. That's precisely the connection I feel I have lost as well as my personality. My self doesn't fear much minus the loss of self and my mental clarity but the mind or "ego" fears much at the moment it seems. It's a battle in my head if I try to do my own thoughts. I start questioning validity and analyzing myself.

Jin: Normal is a broad term. Even before my "awakening" I was still a pretty self aware person as well as that of my surroundings and had my intentions straightened out.

It feels as though there is a headband or sheet over me constricting my mind from freedom if that makes sense. I feel more unconscious. More on the auto pilot programming.

Am I going to have to reinvent myself from scratch?

Also drop the philosophizing stuff (the analyzing of thoughts and reanalysis of other analysis) it's pointless, and is equivalent to mental masturbation. You don't have to do anything with your thoughts, you just have to look at them, or another way to put it is place your awareness on them, and over time you will see the useless ones dropping on their own accord. Make this awareness your dominant decision maker, not your thoughts. Out of this awareness, you will eventually develop the insight into every single thought that your mind is capable of producing, and then you can discard the garbage this way. Keep things simple

its hard to be aware of them when im so identified with them. its hard to focus awareness. im so entrenched that it's hard to pull back and just watch.

as far as analysis im just telling you whats happening. i'm not choosing to do so

I'm probably going to be shot down in flames, but I'm pretty well versed in mental disorders.
You are suffering from severe depression with depersonalization and co-morbid anxiety. Please stop taking all drugs and go see a psychiatrist. Not an MD, not a psychologist and not a shaman. A psychiatrist.

You need a mood stabilizer, anxiolytic and perhaps an antidepressant, even if it's for six months. No amount of circlejerking on a forum will give you relief. Get help and be honest with
your care provider about everything.