Thanks everyone for the input. This is becoming increasingly stranger in a way thta's not scary unless you allow it to be.

@ Dio: It's difficult to know whether you're actually just letting the experience wash over you, or are in fact moving the tension in devious ways you're not even aware of. I believe that the body/mind can self-heal given the right support and guidance; left to its own device, the body/mind seems more like a survival mechanism that will default to a short-term solution and only deal with the potentially disastrous consequences as they arise (with more potentially damaging short-term fixes). That's what my body does. Something that has worked for me, when I can stick to it, is minimal intervention that provides an outlet for the mind by keeping it busy, and also links together the voluntary and autonomic systems so that they don't fight each other.

As strange as that might sound, it feels like my body has 2 layers and what I'm actually trying to do is connect them. To make it weirder, I can clearly see the inner layer through the first. Until now, the inner layer was frozen, neurologically speaking, and i used my outer layer to function in the world. But the disconnect between the inner and outer layers only increased over time, as they pulled in different dirrections. It now feels that I'm moving into the inner layer and learning to function from there, body and mind, while the outer layer is being scrapped and rewired to match the inner one.

@ quicksilver: I agree that it doesn't matter what you call it -it's happening, and that's that. What I described above may sound like complete nonsense to everyone and still be true for me, and I can only move from my present place of understanding. It is as if the nervous system took all available information from my body/ mind, and created this representation that I can use to manipulate the shared reality body/mind in a very different manner than what I'm used to. It could well be that most other people always had access to the kind of perception I'm just starting to develop now, but for me it is very knew and it all feels like living in a metaphor.

@infectestyle: Thank you for suggesting psychedelics, they can definitely play a part in this. Honestly, at this point I would probably be afraid to try a long acting one even if I had any available ( I don't). But if anyone here has participated in a ceremony or had some sort of guidance while under similar circumstances, I'd love to hear about it. It certainly feels like I'm opening up and 'absorbing' things from the environment, so to speak.

i don't have much time to keep on writing (lot of work this week)

tango in my previous post i have already told you whats happening , however you go on to say its not applicable

i have had experiences of causing diseases and healing them aswell , so what you're describing is nothing new to me

if you're willing to heal yourself there are ways that can heal you , however are you open to the possibility of healing or is it not applicable

i can't understand why you underestimate the power of your mind to change your body in weird ways , the mind-body is one and you still say mind-manifesting is not applicable

if you're willing to heal yourself let me know , i'll tell you how to do it , otherwise there is no point in telling you this method for i am sick and tired of giving people good advice while they just go on and spit on me

try to understand i've been there before you , suffered , gotten better and these things don't happen to me anymore , to think you're the only one who has experienced this is quite assuming , i would'nt advice you anything if i had not suffered similarly

tell me if you need my advice and i'll outline the method , yet if you feel its not applicable i'll leave this thread as it is without causing further trauma

edit : if one can control his/her mind and thought , one can control everything , one can cause and heal diseases , you might not know it now yet you're the one who is causing this disease to yourself

@jin: I most definitely did not want to come across as "spitting on you", as you put it, or not considering your advice (especially since we've spoken before, when I first started posting about this).

With that said, I doubt there's a standard solution to this. Also, what's happening now is the healing, it's a bit strange, that's all. I'm not new to manipulating the body, and have probably spent more time at it over the past couple of years than some yoga aficionados in a lifetime. What's new to me is the ability to manipulate my emotions to some extent(that is, besides completely repressing them) and see the connections between physical and mental states.

After a lifetime of self-doubt and self-hatred, it now feels like my autopilot is saying 'fuck it, if you don't like my work, here's the key -deal with everything yourself". So just ignoring that and focusing on unrelated stuff doesn't seem like the right thing to do. If change happens, I want to witness it.

i am not saying you need to focus on unrelated stuff

i am saying focus on your breath , and sound and technical reality
if you can increase you focus you can not only heal yourself you can change your life

rays of light when are focused through a lens gain unimaginable power and so can you

i am not saying focus on unrealated stuff , focus on Technical Reality all the time and not your body

put your attention out of your body into reality you observe through your five senses , till the time you focus on the body these problems will continue because you're focusing on it and the lens ( your mind that is ) is making this happen

you need to focus on your breath and sounds around you 24x7 , and not your body
you need to quit adderal and weed ( adderal more importantly )

the breathing pattern is like this ........don't focus atall on the inhale , just focus on the exhale and only on the last part of the exhale

i.e- you exhale normally as you would however as you get to the end of the exhale you give it a little push and then you inhale normally without any effort on your part , do it few times then let your breath return to normal breathing pattern , yet keep observing it , then again start the whole process again , at the same time its wise to turn on music and listen to it while becoming one with music and breath at the same time

at times where you can't have music like on streets focus on external noises (birds or whatever ) and on your breathing and continue with it , keep doing this always

i can gurantee you that you're problems will be over , it will take time until you're in control of your mind/body and are totally healed , however to heal you need to stop focusing on your body

you need to focus on your breath and sound , increase your focus
this technique alone can heal attention deficit also as it focuses attention , this can heal the mind and this can heal the body

do this for a few weeks and tell me how you feel , i can gurantee there will be a lot of difference

forget self doubt , forget self hatred , forget yourself and your body , try to remember technical reality and breath

this breathing pattern alone is powerful enough to heal you , yet also focus on the sound as that will help you gain more control over your consciousness

i experiment with a lot of breathing techniques , sound , visual and kinesthetic techniques , these are the things i learn from DMT , it has helped me heal myself and there is no more doubt about the power of all this

if you doubt sound and breath can heal you please remember at a certain level everything is made up of vibration and the whole universe breathes , including , plants , animals and humans only in there own unique way

edit :



remember as soon as you feel the transformation and visions coming up , immediately start focusing on breath and sound , never focus on the visions or your body when this is happening

these visions and the transformation is directly related , these visions are in reality leaking from astral realms which is where the real transformation is starting and finally affecting you on this 3d plane

remember don't focus on the visions or the body when this happens , just continue paying attention to breath and sound

edit again : also something silly i must mention so you can heal the body parts that are in suffering right now , whatever body part is in suffering right now scratch it very lightly and then forget about the suffering , scratch lightly as the wind blows , don't rub , just scratch it barely and then continue with the attention focusing

don't scratch often , only when you need it and only once or twice, then forget about it

this might seem silly yet try it and then continue with sound/breath techniques

also never touch any body part with your hands when the transformation and visions are happening , this might actually affect the body part negatively if you touch any of your body with your hands when the transformation/visions are happening that body part will transform

e.g - you feel a transformation coming up and you feel a pressure in your stomach and the visions start , at that time never ever touch your stomach to feel the change or anything , keep your hands away from your body at this precise time , breathe through it and wait for the visions to pass

with hands you can heal yourself by scratching
and harm yourself by touching , feeling and holding body parts , never touch yourself much

do not touch your body much with your hands unnecessarily even generally when these attacks are not even happening ,

Jin,

Thanks for sharing your findings. It does seem there are some similarities between what you and I have experienced, but I still believe this isn't a one size fits all scenario.

The breathing happens by itself and chooses its own strange patterns, much like the body chooses how to move (and no, it's not going spontaneously into picture perfect yoga postures). A major development since last week (when I started this thread) has been learning to let go of the breath for a little bit. Back when I first tried it, it led to fainting. Now it leads to patterns of forceful rhythmical breathing where it feels like parts of the body are having sex with each-other, then a connection seems to be established between those body parts and the rhythm is broken (breathing becomes very fast, until a climax is reached, the dots are connected and, if successful, it all ends with one deep breath).

Personally, I don't see the need for explanations including astral realms and the like. If that's the kind of insight you received, then it may have a place in your journey, but I don't think it's something that can be shared. Like with breathing: it's great that you're experimenting, but many, many others have done that before you, with great diligence, and there's quite a lot of literature on that.

You're talking about sounds and breathing, and, as someone who's suffered from both asthma and mysophonia, I'm no stranger to focusing on those. However, what seems to be happening now is that I'm learning to better integrate all senses. So, my advice to you would be to also focus on touch, smell, taste, vision, speech. They can all be connected to each other, in any combination, and they all connect to the breath. Using touch during the times when you can access that holographic representation of the body I was talking about does, indeed, accelerate the transformation in that particular area, but I see that as a good thing. I want change to happen, it's just the uncertainty of where this will lead that make it a bit hard to just let go and not resist.

don't be afraid , let change happen

Thanks. Change is happening, indeed. So it seems that the reason my hair appears to be splitting at the root is because every hair follicle on my body, head &face is actually made of 3 separate follicles, growing from different roots and braided together so tight that by the time they penetrate through the skin they are fused into one. As they separate and rearrange, bald spots are turning hairy.

On a related note, I've finally grown out a mustache for the first time, and it has had a ridiculously positive effect on the muscle tone in my face, with twisted tissue uncoiling and actually evening out the bald spots in my beard. It also feels more strange than any bodily sensation I've had on drugs... so there's that.

Congrats! It's like planting trees to prevent soil erosion The hair is preventing the skin from shifting, thus keeping the tension inside. In my case, if I remove the hair, skin rearranges itself immediately, but also becomes very dry. If I don't shave, the outer layers can't move, making it possible to drive the tension inwards.

While that can be a good thing, it also feels risky as I don't know how fast tissue can really regenerate, and i'm afraid of pushing it too hard. Where I'm at now, I can sync my heart beat with my upper abdominal area, the chest, and the breath; so when the heart beats, everything moves. It also seems that the tension distribution between my eyes, ears, throat, mouth, and the scalp muscles has reached a point of equilibrium such that the only way to keep things moving is by going inward -something I've been avoiding so far.

Haha, and folks sure do look at one funny, don't they? Have you noticed that when it happens during a heart-to heart conversation or other intimate activity with another person, they seem to get it too, in sync right down to the flutter in their breath and voice from the heartbeats? That seems to have been the case a couple times, IME.
That definitely is the way to go man... Try to get it all synced up and unified from head to toe (mighty challenge indeed), and see what sort of opportunities that affords you.

I generally desire tissue shifting around, but I've never had a problem with hair stopping that up. If anything, the added sensory input gives me more to work with in actuating muscles, especially through my neck and face. If things are loose enough, I can just breathe from my sacrum to the top of my head and my spine will just pop and loosen, no extra motion required (woo-woo as it sounds, that's just where the feeling points and what works). Damn, does it feel nice, too.

What I've started to notice regarding social interaction (of which I have little, and keeping it like that) is that some people's smiles sort of bounce off my face, leaving me with a mirror image of their facial expression, which then leads to the emotional state associated with smiling a certain way. The muscles in my face have only that much freedom to move, and it's like when I'm relaxed and someone with a smile that my body can recognize, analyze, and imitate shows up, the process is automatically triggered. And I'm just there, sort of taken by surprise. Very strange, I know.

Less tension is good, but what I have done to myself is release tension unevenly. Since it wasn't clear to me from the beginning that everything is involved, from the skeletal muscles to the eyes, hair, and internal organs, I thought I'd just 'free' this and that body part and the effect will spread automatically. They did not, at all. If I stop 'awakening' the dead areas, my body does nothing on its own. It just adapts by learning to live with the discomfort.

So now I'm trying to circulate that tension all over, to sort of bring it all up to speed. I have also noticed that if I don't shave, it's possible to sort of suck in the tension from the affected area, and breath it out or deposit it elsewhere. The skin underneath my eyebrows really wants to move, but how the hell am I to walk around with shaved eyebrows.

Another effect of circulating the tension versus letting it out is that I'm gaining more awareness of the inner layers of the body, although I'm not sure if that's good in the long term. I'm also starting to get the sensation that things happen just the way they're supposed to, not meaning that everything is going great (it does not), but more like it was just the right time for such and such to happen, in order for me to learn this or that.

Are you sure you need to shave that hair to enable movement? If it'll work for you anything like it does for me... Get some Jojoba whatever massage oil, and whatever small amounts of aromatic essential oils help loosen things up (lavender, eucalyptus, hash oil, whatever), and go to town over your entire head and neck when the energy is up there. If you can palpate it thoroughly enough, it'll even out even under thick growths of beard hair.
I've some rough results with putting pressure above the center of the brow, and taking a hint from my massage therapist, I instead just trace around that spot to palpate it. It sure saves a lot of disorientation and cuts down on the wicked deja-vu, at least. (or is that just me?) Baseline now is like strong LSD afterglow sans-hallucination was three years ago, and it really only gets more intense every day. On the plus side, trip integration is like an everyday conversation, and the precognition can actually be pretty convenient... especially for earning free sodas! (I admit it, it terrifies me)
Of course, people will call me out as mentally unstable for this, and in the same breath admit to basing their worldview on spirits and gods, prioritizing fairytales over physical reality, and acting on essentialist superstition... So let 'em cast them where they will, I guess. It don't bother me.
--

Haha! Is there any way to release it evenly? I certainly haven't found a reliable one. If there were, it wouldn't be such a sticky situation, would it?

The thing certainly does have its own pace... I personally find it rather beautiful, although aggravating to be in the middle of. It certainly is possible to outpace the regenerative capacity (I've got scars) and doing so really, really sucks. Like you said, it'll just adapt to the discomfort and the result is further dissociation and misery, and more work on top of it.
That being said, It's been a long day and I'm going to pound a quart of water and sleep like I'm getting paid for it.

^ Thanks for the tip about using essential oils. I do have dry skin /low body fat, and regular moisturizers look a bit scary seeing how fast everything is absorbed through the skin, so I'll try some natural oils.

Removing hair does make a big difference. In my case, the nervous system has used hair to keep the highly customized arrangement from falling apart. A brief google search was enough to see that the mechanisms involved are very complex, and someone could probably get a phd in something by explaining how 3 separate hair fibers, growing in different directions, are fused together before penetrating the skin.

To release tension evenly, what seems to work best is exposing myself to a wide variety of stimuli, paying attention to how the body reacts, and making changes as deemed appropriate, always cycling between autonomic and voluntary control. When tension in a particular area becomes overwhelming, the solution usually presents itself (usually a strange solution, but then again, so are the issues I'm facing).

My latest discovery is sound, and how I relate to it. If I play various sounds in my headphones and hum at the same time, I can direct the vibrations from the vocal cords anywhere in the body, and awaken spots that where previously unreachable. It seems that the breath helps free the sound, the sound helps free the breath, and both the breath and the sound can be used to free anything else.

*speaking of shaving, many people seem to agree that there's a good chance eyebrows won't grow back once you shave them. I wonder why that happens, and I'm certainly glad I researched it.

If that works at all for you, you might want to try letting a pretty strong mixture of essential oil in massage oil or whatnot, and letting that soak into areas that are locked up tight. I can usually get great results dripping some around the base of my spine and between my shoulder blades, laying in a warm comfortable place and breathing into those areas with single-pointed focus (yeah, yeah... I know it ain't easy ). After it's soaked in a bit, and all that tissue is livened up from the attention and breath, I rub in the oil circularly and the tissue just melts and can be moved freely. Of course, there's a massive change in consciousness to go along with it, and challenges therein to surmount in order to lock in and learn from the change as much as possible... but I'm sure you know the drill.
The whole damn thing takes about an hour and a half, but it usually helps me a lot in those times where shit is near the breaking point and something's got to give.

I'll agree with you totally in that the solution is almost always found in the grips of the most challenging situations. A big ol' ego is usually what gets me through that shit... Of course love is a bit better motivation, but our situation is not one that tends to breed many attractive qualities, now is it?

good to know you're on the path to healing ,

we have faith in you brother , you can do this and you will

Thanks Jin.
Quicksilver, is there any combo of essential oils/carrier oils you find particularly effective? There's so much info online, but the descriptions are vague and overlapping.

There's something that comes up. This yoga/ pranayama technique called something like humming bee. You inhale and put hands on your ears, eyes and nose, but practically the ears are most important. Then you exhale and hum... Try to relax the inside of your skull and feel it resonate. Once you notice the humming starts to resonate then the vibration expands and kinda opens up stuff...

The voice thing sure is weird... I usually sing (Rock and Roll) rather than make funny noises, so it's not incredibly strange (other than my horrible voice ). The weirdest thing is that the tension in my chest and throat raises the pitch of my voice. Increasingly, it will go from a smooth baritone to a strained tenor and back, depending on my condition and whether I can control the muscles. Oddly enough, talking to a woman I am fond of seems to give the opportunity to control those muscles with little enough effort to do so in conversation. Throat tremolo while playing the harmonica tends to rile up a lot of energy, too... but it's a slower, more intimate sort of rhythm.

I watched some documentary about cymatics yesterday (never heard of it until now), and that's just what the waves feel like. Sometimes I try singing as well, but my mouth is stuck somewhere in my throat, so articulating words is impossible without cheating. As for making weird sounds, I discovered that the horror movie noises that are needed while standing straight and rigid can be effectively replaced by very different sounds if I pair them up with yoga style contortions. Also, if I separate the breath and the sound, what would have been a loud roar turns into a forceful exhalation and some humming.

There was a time when my pitch was completely random, but now if I feel it's too high, I either breath out some layers of tension (by exhaling forcefully, then humming at the high pitch until it starts going down), or focus on creating tension in a different segment of my body that I can connect to my throat. Playing various tones also helps, as the noise I'm actually making (I remove my headphones regularly to check what others might be hearing) is completely different from the one I'm hearing while humming.

Have you tried working on your hips to help with the throat? I'm sure our patterns of tension are different, but I've always noticed an inextricable link between my hips, haunches and glutes and the area around my throat. If I can loosen and strengthen that area, I gain tons of control in my face and throat, eliminating the need for going through many strange motions (not that massaging and stretching one's ass isn't strange).

I just noticed your question about the oils; I usually use whatever combinations of spearmint, clary sage, lavender, eucalyptus and WAY diluted cinnamon oil seem suitable at the time, diluted in almond oil (Good quality oils can be very expensive, so I mostly choose based on availability and price). I just put about four drops of an oil into a 20ml bottle, and use or mix it as needed. My massage therapist is really amazing at choosing what oils to use and can just melt muscles with it, but I've never asked her what she uses. I can though, if you'd like some better recommendations... I imagine I'll be back there in within a week or two (at least I hope so! ).

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On an unrelated note: Things have been getting really ridiculous lately... I've had so much more opportunity to work toward health that I'm really exhausted to the point of instability. I can look in the mirror and see huge day-to-day results in my physique, my motion is more free and comfortable, and my spacial perception is accurate and logical, rather than a dissociated, exhausted conscious self peering through the senses and trying to maintain a grip on what fragments of reality I can discern without pain and confusion... And yet I almost don't even care any more. I am so beat to shit and exhausted that if it weren't for love and gratitude for the people around me and the world we share, I would not even be able to to remember how important it is to keep going, much less actually summon the strength to do so time and again. I simply wouldn't have kept my will to live if it weren't for those I love and my responsibility to give back to them even a fraction of the priceless gift of life they've shared with me.

What's most obviously different is the increase in the number of dimensions in which I experience the world. Entirely new spectrums of reality are always showing themselves and interacting with each other. Emotional, physical, informational, sensory, energetic and daunting mythopoetic avenues of experience, all in flux and vying for attention. More and more every day, life seems more like a dream or a drug state. Inexplicable sensations meet me at every turn, and it is undeniable that it's all opening up into a whole new world that I could not presently imagine.
My greatest dreams and goals have honestly never been more far-out than to be happy, well, and to provide for myself and my loved ones so that we need not struggle... but life continues to open up into something more like a trip or a myth than the American Dream.
I try to keep in mind that, as somebody with an illness that effects perception, that I don't really know what "normal" perception is and that my consciousness will change in unexpected ways as a result of healing from the effects of this situation... What it will change into, however, is the mystery. Even through the coldest of rationalist attitudes, the works of Pete Carroll, Joseph Campbell and Bob Wilson that I read in my youth still offer more insight than the all neuroscience and physiology I pour over today.

I'm not in the position to let opportunities slip past, but the difference in bodily perception, spacial perception, physique and motion, emotion, the deja vu and everything else is just completely overwhelming... even in ways that drug experiences can't compare to. It's almost all I can do in every moment to maintain a state in which I don't totally fly off the rails, sometimes requiring 1-3 hour meditation sessions to let things settle. When I finally free a part of my body from the grips of tension, I literally use a piece of my foundation; a part of my sense of self that will not ever return. I know by intuition and experience that such annihilation precedes amazing new perspectives and opportunities... I just would not expect that my life would lead me here. I am not a mystic, a psychonaut, a healer or a holy man. I'm just a guy... I didn't ever want this, I just wanted to get better. I guess it can't be helped that what I need to do it is to cross some threshold we hardly ever breach in our waking lives, and stand up to the challenges of turning to face the world in spite of it.
I rarely lose complete composure, but am never fully in control. Life is a totally new experience every day, and always full of challenges. My reality is literally breaking apart and floating away from me... and what's flowing in to take its place is a world that I can barely understand, but somehow have always been working and waiting to take part in whether I knew it or not. It doesn't seem possible or reasonable, and most often just feels like more than I could ever manage to accomplish.

But I've got promises to keep, and miles to go until I sleep...