I would just like to say I've read many reports people have written on their experiences while preparing for my own, and yours has to be my favorite. A very good read

Excellent write up. Sorry u had such a hard time. Sounds like you had false expectations of the psychedelic realm. Blissful positive experience is never a given and sounds like you got a fright when you realised the power you had unleashed and fought it.
You simply can't fight that magnitude of power.
I've been there and it reimprinted my attitude to psychedelics. I have never been able to trust them fully again and thus I only use MJ, lights doses of shrooms and low dose DMT.

Hope you come to terms with your experience and learn that you sinply need to have 100% faith to float with the cosmic winds whereever they want to take you

H

This is a great report, and I am glad that you shared your rough experience with the community.

I have not had experience with Aya or Pharma, but have smoked DMT and 5-MeO, and have had lots of experience with mushrooms and some with L. All of these trips usually teach me something about my life, or smack me in the face with an issue that I have been blocking from thought due to not wanting to deal with it.

To me it sounds like the Aya did just this to you, and brought to the forefront of your mind the issues of being as secluded as you are. Im not saying it is a bad thing to be secluded, but as human beings we all require love and attention to thrive. Maybe subconsciously you were realizing this, and it was bothering you deep down. When you took the Aya (especially a large dose for someone inexperienced), I think it brought these thoughts and feelings to mind, and played with the theme of lonliness throughout the experience. I have had one such occasion happen while on mushrooms.

Anyways, it was obviously trying to teach you something. Think about the experience and do your best to integrate it into your normal life, and see if you can figure out what the overall message was being portrayed to you.

Good luck with further explorations

The normal way is to start low, not the other way around

You are spot on. I had very false expectations of what I would get from DMT. I read numerous blissful experiences and some cool way out there experiences. I hoped I would get something in line with those. What I got was powerful and exactly what I needed.... but nothing at all what I wanted.

Thanks for the input

I have had 5 mimosa tea / aya trips now and each one has done exactly that. Taken a broken part of my life/mind and smack me around with it. In the end each has helped me greatly. None have been gentle... maybe a reflection of myself as I have never been one to be gentle on myself or others.

Excellent thread, I look forward to reading more

I kept saying over and over "i will not forget, i will never be the same" and on and on as I laughed and cried in sheer terror and awe. The shaman and the girl I went with made me sit down and describe what I saw. I went home, laughed and teared the whole way and right when I got home I wrote my terrifying story of wonder. I never forgot what happened to me, August 1st 2013 I went to the other side.

Well its really important to have someone around or other trippers when you do journeys where you leave your comfort zone. Otherwise they can take bad turns if its too much for ya... I like group settings for this reason very much, but theres also benefit in doing an solo journey if you know how to dose it right

But its a problem to make people understand this if they havent tried dmt before.

Also these books and hyped reports DONT HELP! Its funny how they all forget about the negative things which occur before some possible bliss... guess they want to sell, hype and sell or promote out of some reason. I dont get it.

The worst thing that is coming now on sr is people trying to sell premixed ayahuasca... Thats gonna be good for a few busts and NEWS stories in the coming year...
Too many idiots on this planet

But since your experience was good you can do lower doses for better experiences and learn alot more then.

Have fun

Thanks for the input. This thread is a bit old now, but I still enjoy reading feedback. Agreed that set and setting can be everything. At the time, I did feel that my apartment alone was the best setting I had available.

I wouldn't say, in retrospect, the experience was "bad", just difficult. Many have said that dmt, especially oral dmt, doesn't give you what you want but gives you what you need. I think my first experience was exactly that. It kicked my ass with no apology and I returned changed. Oddly, now I almost find comfort thinking about returning to that void of nothing. I do not fear it anymore and can almost describe it as a comforting place of nothing... peaceful nothing. The experience showed me how much I feared death. As the experience stripped my ego, and I I lost connection to body and self, the fear did not vanish with my ego. That fear (specifically fear of death and existence as nothing but a lonely void), seemed to be an echo of my psyche at the moment of death/ego death.

For those questioning first doses... yes 10g mimosa boil w/ a good bit of maoi will most likely knock your socks off, you will believe you killed yourself, you will likely experience 'ego death', likely will be scared as hell and very likely return changed. For me, this was a good thing. I have yet to try that high of a dose again, but as time goes by I admit to being intrigued to try such a dose again without the expectations and with a different perspective. My hope is that I would be able to embrace the experience without fear and see where it goes.



I agree, trying to understand DMT/aya before experiencing it is self defeating. I would even go a tad further than your point and say the more one reads books, watches documentaries, trip reports, etc, the more difficult the first experience(s) will be. It creates expectations and self fulfillment. Meaning you are expecting something insanely powerful (pre-fear of the unknown), to see entities (maybe good or EVIL, add some more fear), expecting to feel death (who doesn't that scare?), go to 'hyperspace', see crazy crap, etc. All of that pre-paints experiences you have yet to have. Then you return using terms you read about that don't quite fit your own experience but are 'close enough'. Terms like ego death.... lol <guilty> void of nothing <guilty>, hyperspace <guilty>, self-dribbling jeweled basketballs <no guilty yet>.

It is a very hard thing though to come back and NOT want to talk about it, write about it, and use any means possible to come to terms with the experience. So goes the pros and cons of a wonderful community like the Nexus! :>



After my struggles sorting out my first dose (after believing my material was bad), I understand the appeal of a premixed ayahuasca. I had no idea what posts and reports to go by when I knew nothing about it yet. There is SOOOO much mixed data on dosage, mimosa activity without maoi, how much maoi to use, what kind of maoi, potency of material, which material to use.... If there had of been a safe practical method of a pre-mix or better yet, joining a retreat run by someone very experienced with dose/setting/help/etc I think I would have greatly benefited from it.

I do agree that should a 'pre-mix' get marketed off the shelf at smoke shops (or sr) as a 'fun time' drug, yes you would have a lot of damn shocked and damn pissed off teens and parents I don't see that as likely though. I think most people that are looking for aya have at least enough info to expect that it is powerful and is far from being a guaranteed pleasant experience. You have sites like Nexus to thank for that (and youtube, google etc). I don't think I've seen any description of aya that makes it sound like a party drug -- but plenty that will scare people away.



Great advice and done I've had a number of lower dose mimosa/rue teas since then. The highest dose since the first was 7g boil and it was pretty deep. I'm slowly learning the relationship between mimosa dose and rue dose. I have found the trip length seems increased greatly as the rue dosage goes up (nearly 10 hours on one ~5g rue before baseline).

Thanks again for the input.

Id also like to thank you for your report. It was really there as far as a report goes and has probably helped me more than a little bit while preparing for my first time.

A solid report, bud.