Play with a blowtorch, you get burned once in awhile. Just a fact of life.

I woke up feeling a lot better this morning. Very somber but able to move.

So, what's it all about? I explained the general themes in the original post. And yet, these themes are not all that new to me. They are partially what brought me to the spice in the first place, finding myself in middle age with most relatives and many friends already dead, as an atheist, looking for . . . . something.

So, again, the theme of existential despair and nihilistic patterns is not at all a new one.

But, couple it with this fact: My parents were uninvolved neglectors in general when raising us, for better or for worse. What this means is they gave us enough guilt (well almost enough, LOL) to do basic socialization, but no extra. Somehow I've never felt guilty about maturbating, just embarrassed if caught in the act - the act itself does not induce guilt. I have never felt guilty or evil or sinful or self-condemning for taking a drug. I have felt bad about how my habitual drug taking behavior was causing me to make poor decisions, especially in the past, but the act itself . . . Does this make sense? Guilt is not my strong suit.

So, in the past, when slammed by the reality of our pathetic little existences and the yawning darkness of the grave that awaits in no time at all, it hit more like this: Before it was personally distant - like "Wow, all these people died on me, I'm going to die, all this shit has happened, doesn't that suck? That pisses me off! The injustice of it all. I'm selfish - I want those loved ones back, I want a longer life" etc. The understanding was my egotistical selfishness, yes, but the focus was on others and the injustices done TO me.

This time it was: "Knock knock! HELLO?!??? GONG! GONG! GONG! Running out of time and it's too late anyway. Take a close look - father has a few years, husband has a decade or two, you have few decades and look at all you have NOT done in the time spent and look at . . . . " Well, that's the tip of the iceberg. It was so personal now that I'm on the second half of my life. Never had such a self-incriminating experience before. This time the focus was on the injustices committed BY me.

I had actually done a decent job of rejecting all the guilt that the greater society and religions within, neither of which I ever fully supported or believed, of rejecting unnecessary guilt in my life.

Yes, I have given these things a lot of thought. But this time it was so excruciatingly detailed in ILLUSTRATING for me PERSONALLY how I use other people to try to prop myself up, to shine a light upon my little self in the grand DARK design. Thus all of my actions seem completely and utterly pointless. Meaningless. And counter to my stated purpose.

Thus my dreams remain dead this morning. And I see no point in ever apologizing for anything again.

Tomorrow will be better and yet I worry. I honestly see no point in making an effort to do more than go through the motions. All desire for fake actions, helping people, apologizing when it seems appropriate has been burned away. As stated, if I have the impulse to reach out or to apologize I find a huge vortex/loop opening in my head which shows me how it's all just a self-serving action of a little hopeless ego drowning in the dark.

The core that remains, though not sociopathic, does NOT feel this has been a forward step towards growth.

Thus, I reiterate to myself and others. Time.


Post-Script: Worth noting - My use of DMT has increased, rather radically, since the quake/tsunami/nuclear disaster in Japan. This culminated on Saturday where I had a handshake, then a breakthrough, then one hour later, smoked harmalas, and hit my ultra-strong changa again. That hit was a MASSIVE overdose. I could tell before I exhaled I had taken A LOT and tried to surrender. I remember the beginning of the trip with the drowning in entities and the very end where the themes I've discussed were synaesthetically illustrated with sharp angled slices of geometry. I remember opening my eyes and thinking "Whoa! Too early!" And closing them again. Some timeless period later, they opened again and I tried to raise my head and again it was, "Whoa!" Finally when I sat up I was confused. Last thing I had seen upon setting the pipe down was 11:08 p.m. Now it said 11:29! I got some seconds at the beginning and the self-condemning timeless minute at the end. Where did the 20 minutes go?!?????? Blackout/overdose and/or deeper layers of my mind choosing the "Forget" option discussed in the OP.

It seems you have been touched by hell fire. I have been there before, the extreme self judgement that is (in a spice journey, that is). In my experience, hell is a place we send ourselves. We can't hide from our own psyches. Deep down, you know if you are at peace or not, if you feel guilty about life or not. Spice can take you to those deep down depths and expose them. If you don't like what's deep down there, the fires of your own psyche will incinerate you. Yet, the fires of hell are cleansing. If you feel this is something you need to go through, then you will indeed go through it. Eventually, everyone gets burned so bad they surrender their own will. At that moment, suffering disappears. This is inevitable. No one can resist forever, as sure as no one is immortal.

I don't see what you're going through as a bad thing. I see it as a normal phase for anyone who contemplates their own existence. Whether you sink or swim, this will all resolve itself. Just so you know, what you are going through is not out of the ordinary.... and there is an impossible light at the end of the tunnel. However, you must be the one allow that light.

I've gone through something like you described Pandora. It lifts when it lifts. And it will eventually. Nothing stays the same ever. Darkness - ecstacy are just opposites of the same "thing" which is indescribable.

Today has been A LOT better, especially as it has progressed. I've been feeling (brace for harsh imagery) like I've been integrating a river of excrement that leads nowhere but to a crematorium.

That feeling has been lifting, every hour that is passing. I'm not sure why this is happening so quickly. In the past when I've gotten my ass handed to me it's taken at least three days to feel more like I could move forward and do something with it.

Right now, I feel extremely cautious. But I am up and about and preparing foods that we love. I mean, like I've said to a friend recently going through some difficult work with levels of his own mind, "It's just a trip." It's my trip and a big one full of personal meaning but I don't have time to screw around. I could die tonight! Who knows? I must at least go through the motions of moving forward.

I think if I can take anything good forward from this over time it will be an additional caution. A deep understanding of my own delusions and the beginning of understanding about my true motivations. If this is true then perhaps I can act less frequently but with more sincere motivations.

I don't know. Part of me feels like this is crap. Part of me feels like Joebono - F**k DMT. Part of me knows I just have to open that damned (Pandora's) box at least once or twice a year, one way or another and there's no denying it. Part of me is confused and a big part of me is deeply shocked. What an ugly realization.

But so what, right? I know (Shadowman-x recently wrote eloquently on this in the Little Good Things We Do thread) that to love and help others I must love and help myself, or alternatively, by loving and helping others I love and help myself and vice-versa. It can be a win-win loop (as stated) and it can contribute in a microscopic way to the macroscopic whole, which is what my rant last week was all about.

I want to send a sincere THANK YOU out to all of you! LOL - even if you don't see much in the way of apologies or much else coming up (I just don't know) I still THANK YOU. It is WONDERFUL being in a community of friends who trip hard. The diversity of opinions has been fascinating. The love and support palpable.

Crazyass times and no choice but to move forward and do the best we can, eh? I recognize the truth of my original post, but I also recognize the truth of my signature. I'll try to remember the former while living the latter. I don't know what else to do.

Peace & Love

A few thoughts that come to mind - a bit of free association, not meant to offend or criticise... it's just late at night and felt this merited a response.

so, Pandora, aside from what you feel - what is it that you make of all of this now?

I see this almost as a continuation, a natural consequence or at least a natural follow up to the tone in which you have been writing, getting into this criticising and stirring up mode, even if you brought up a lot of good things, it came from this place that needed to expose and tear apart some inner dark-spots, whether this be your own or those of the community... And I'm sure you know what Nietzsche has to say about darkness, or rather the abyss...

"If you stare long enough into the abyss, the abyss will stare into you..."

Well it sounds like it did. Now what? Is there somewhere we can take it now? You say darkness trumps all, but darkness is really nothing, it's only the absence of light, and while it might be the prevalent state of the universe or even your being (who knows, it holds true for the universe at least) we still have the ability to shed some light, to walk around like search-lights, scanning the area and not only exposing but looking with clarity at what has lay there so many years in hiding, in rejection and resistance, or whatever other emotions and overgrown scars-tissue... Untwist and unwind this part that is now shivering where you can see it... Until it can breathe freely?

What then?
Where to next?

Until it holds its own light perhaps, if it has the courage. And we win back the space that the darkness has claimed, inch by inch, we gain hold in it again. or freshly. finding new land. healing old wounds, ancient ones...

What now? What will you do? What will we do?

This surely has to do with recent posts, yes, BUT this is much, MUCH more deep and personal. This is the next step for me. And it feels like a very sad one. A newer, deeper, uglier level of acceptance. A glimpse of what endlife will be like, regretful. This is part of the culmination, I believe, of the midlife crisis that began almost 4 years ago (LOL!).

What came up for me was an array of personal indictments relating to real world interactions with family and friends, currently living (many who are aging or old) or dead. I thought about my father though, oh boy did I. I remembered my grandparents, including the look on my paternal grandmother's face the last time I saw her alive - as we left her alone in a nursing home. I thought about old friends, including one who is now dead, who I allowed myself to fall out of contact with - sure did think about him A LOT. I thought about my husband, oh crikey did I. My brother. And I'm not proud to admit, even my mother. I thought I was DONE with that work, but I guess I never will be. Interactions and lack thereof with friends came up, frak even recent stuff I've done on the streets. It was like a thought cascade from the last 20 years of my life.

I think my last post summed it up. As far as what now? Does it matter? I believe my answer is it does not. Regardless of my choices, no impact will be made in the overall scheme of things. Recognizing (or beginning to) the truth of that ego scream may allow me to find a way to silence it, or perhaps find a way to speak and act from a different place. My time is limited. Move forward. This is a one-way trip and I ain't collecting $200 at the end.

What will I do? Less. Perhaps with more real understanding and true motivation. It is definately time to STFU on multiple fronts, no doubt about that. But, in terms of who I am, the friends I enjoy, how I live my life. Well, I think I might understand a lot of things more clearly now. Some things hold potential. Many, many are too late. What's done is done. This breath feels good. Dinner will be a blessing.

What will you do? You personally? I have no idea. Hopefully pursue and complete your Ph.D. and someday (whether we know that person is Enoon of Nexus or not) we will ALL know your name. Find the right person. Get married. Have children. Grow into midlife, old age and die. Just a guess.

You as in Nexus? How is that relevant to my little ego scream? LOL It does not matter. You will do what you always do, move forward, as individuals and as a community, for the betterment or detriment of individuals and/or the whole. My thoughts or actions have extremely little or no impact on that. Which is as it should be. If I died tonight, all would be well at Nexus. If I came up with a Nexus shattering revolutionary idea tomorrow that changed everything and everyone here, all would be well at Nexus.

Peace & Love

pandora...you speak of apathy for the fake!!! HA!!!

i started a thread back in feb called "what happened friday night?"

https://www.dmt-nexus.me...spx?g=posts&t=19476

long story short...i had a hellish friday night/saturday morning. lots of stress and tears and then...sweet relief.

i, too, feel no need to apologize, unless I FEEL that i've done wrong. i don't care what you think...this is my life. i take others into considerstion...but as long as i've done no actual harm to anyone, i don't care. and if i did any harm to them...i don't care as long as what i did/said was the truth.

well...that friday night i was "told" (you know that inner voice that rings louder in your head than your own voice...every once in awhile?) that it was time to stop faking. if it didn't make me happy...let go. obviously i can't harm anyone but i'm quickly letting go of everything. relationships. possessions. fears. views. lifestyle choices. beliefs. i asked Him to completely destroy everything that keeps me from Him about a month ago and boy oh boy...

it can be quite depressing to realize that you've been faking it your entire life. oh well...at east you realized it. let them with ears hear...

the only thing that matters is if YOU ARE HAPPY. you were given this experience to be happy...you're being very ungrateful if you're not happy.

i am blessed enough to have quite a few weirdos in my personal life...we're ALL feeling the urge to shed the ego. to quit blending in. to be ok with standing out. going against the grid. again...we still have morals and rules we follow...but they are more of a personal crede or cross, not generic spoon fed morals for the masses.

listen to that inner voice. it won't tell you wrong as long as your intentions are pure. it will be your compass in the coming storm...

Really?

Dont you think that is problematic, to allow yourself to harm others if its for the truth (whatever this is... ) ?

It might not all be psychological, or related to thoughts about your experience. Independent of associated thoughts, I think an overdose can quite possibly mess with your brain chemistry in a very negative way. I had an overdose of DMT (lost consciousness, woke up flying through space with no idea how I got there) a bit over a year ago. First thing I noticed once I was back to my "normal" self was that I felt very sad. Shaken, yes. But also sad. Took me a couple months to completely shake that feeling.

If your brain chemistry gets thrown out of whack leading to depression, there is simply no way to think your way out of it. Having positive thoughts during depression is just about impossible (I know - I've had 4 major depressions in my adult life, and no doubt from memories I had other undiagnosed episodes in my childhood as well). I feel that coming up with the right "philosophy" is simply not going to do much good. What is needed is to get brain chemistry back to more normal levels. Then you will be able to think both positive and negative thoughts and develop the insights needed to make good out of your experience.

If I was in this situation, I would try to concentrate just on doing whatever little thing it takes to lift your mood, even slightly, just for the present day. No need to anticipate the rest of your life at this point. Concentrate on making today a bit better, even if it doesn't seem like it will make any difference. Get help from a doctor if feel you need it - say if you are not making progress in a couple weeks.

elphologist

i canm't live for anyonre else. if i hurt your feelings for telling you the truth, i don't care. not my fault you can't accept the truth. i know a couple others like me and believe it or not...we actually get along great. it's odd...when we stop caring about others and how they feel towards us or how we look to them...we're able to connect on a much deeper level.
to look past the egos of this existence.

i can't be a raging douche bag and lie and scream at you for no reason but if i don't like your shirt i'll say so and won't feel bad that your feelings are hurt. if i speak my feelings and you're offended...i don't care. i spoke my mind.

i am very disconnected person and always felt "bad" for it but lately...i'm almost proud of it. i know a lot of people who are beginning to care less and less about superficial relaionships. like we don't even care to talk to people unless we really care about them or we want something from them. just minimalizing communication and interaction. returing to one's inner self, kinda. i'm sure it sounds like a bad thing but the more inward i draw...the happier i become. i care less about having this or seeing that or going there. i just want to be. i just want the basics...including social life.

no more need to attract friends. if they are meant to be my friend...it will happen. no more need to reach out and connect. i am content. no longer searching. funny...all i had to do was stop faking it and follow my feelings to happiness. i think the hermetic path (or something close to it) is ideal. in todays society, that is nearly impossible. so i am trying to trim my social life back in every way possible, stop buying STUFF, stop trying to seek others for connection...just let go of the ego. be there for my fellow man if they need me but i don't care about them, specifically. just in it for the greater good.

this is my view and the views of several i know, not necessarily pandora's.

Hey Pandora, sounds like quite the revelation experience.. Im sorry for the difficult time your in.

But I just wanted to say something that I think might help..

From what I am gathering from these posts is that most simply your going through a hard time. Considering your already thinking about your past and the people that have left you, your fears, your dreams (or lack thereof ), your friends and your enemies, so it wouldnt hurt to bring them up once more.

I would like you to look at the different stages you have gone through, as humans we are constantly changing. For me, whenever I am down and out, or whenever I have a difficult experience with psychedelics, I find myself upset with things in my life, and I feel terrible and dont know how to fix it, and then I remember all the hundreds and thousands of times throughout my life that I have felt this way.. If not this way than some other form of bad energy and emotion that suddenly can overcome any of us at any time. And I remember how no matter how bad and down in the dumps I have been before, it always seems to change. But it takes time. and it a lot of the times when your hammered with new thoughts that dont make sense, and strickened with a sense of guilt or ill-intentions.

it will help to keep prying yourself for the answers your looking for, because the answer always lies in your heart. Pandora, with as big as your heart is, I dont think it will take long to find what your looking for. You have touched to many people, made to many smile, made to many happy, and yes, in no time at all you will be dead, and in no time after that I will be joining you. You have done plenty in your life, and death will just be the long needed rest you never received here on earth...

I love you pandora, more people than you know love you. It is not fair that your loved ones die and leave you hurting, but you cant argue that its the most ancient of all sadness, and you cant argue that it is naturally a very important thing for all of us to experience. I think of it as cheating if you kill yourself and leave everyone behind because you dont want to take lifes sadness anymore, but I think the spirit will gain in the end, from the happiness you lose along the way.

P.S dont ever feel guilty for masturbating, its only natural.. PM me sometime if you need to talk, im always there for all of you.

Also, Pandora, I am sure you have heard it a million times, but it wont hurt to read the lyrics and compare this to your current situation..

It Ain't Me, Babe

Go ’way from my window
Leave at your own chosen speed
I’m not the one you want, babe
I’m not the one you need
You say you’re lookin’ for someone
Never weak but always strong
To protect you an’ defend you
Whether you are right or wrong
Someone to open each and every door
But it ain’t me, babe
No, no, no, it ain’t me, babe
It ain’t me you’re lookin’ for, babe

Go lightly from the ledge, babe
Go lightly on the ground
I’m not the one you want, babe
I will only let you down
You say you’re lookin’ for someone
Who will promise never to part
Someone to close his eyes for you
Someone to close his heart
Someone who will die for you an’ more
But it ain’t me, babe
No, no, no, it ain’t me, babe
It ain’t me you’re lookin’ for, babe

Go melt back into the night, babe
Everything inside is made of stone
There’s nothing in here moving
An’ anyway I’m not alone
You say you’re lookin' for someone
Who’ll pick you up each time you fall
To gather flowers constantly
An’ to come each time you call
A lover for your life an’ nothing more
But it ain’t me, babe
No, no, no, it ain’t me, babe
It ain’t me you’re lookin’ for, babe

I think the support that is being shown to a fellow human here, Pandora, is something really beautiful and is showing the strength of us as a species.

Amen.

I would beg to differ Pandora. As a community, especially one so diverse and awesome as this, it is shaped greatly by each individual, and without you it would simply not be the same place. Be your contributions dismal or revolutionary, your thoughts still touch the minds and hearts of everyone, and that definitely means something.

Like the butterfly effect, even the smallest change can cause massive effects later on, but if there was no butterfly the world would simply not be the same place it is today.

If you died, the Nexus would go on and move forward, but I believe I can speak for most, if not all of us, when I say we would mourn the loss of a beloved family member of the community. All would be well at Nexus, and it may be true in some sense of the word, but that doesn't mean the community as a whole and individually wouldn't be affected greatly.

Peace, and Love.

Hey Pan, I really was using the word we in a reciprocal-community-support kind of sense. How will you proceed and how can we help you with it - that kind of way. I think it does matter what you do next, it always does, at least this is my take. The *we* is like an organism and every change of its constituents means a change for the whole as well. As we transform through our experiences we transform the whole; the community integrates and digests the changes we externalize and feed into it voluntarily and involuntarily.
Regardless of what this means for the nexus at this moment, since it seems that's not really your concern for now, I hope you can shake this bitterness I'm sensing. A crisis is sometimes an opportunity for transformation towards something positive, rather than an inevitable sinking into darkness. I hope you can seize it as such.

that being said, I'm sending you much love as your friend and fellow seeker.
Enoon

Hi Pandora,

I would echo some of the other sentiments expressed here, particularly that this is probably a sign to leave the spice (and other psychoactives) alone for a little while. Some years ago I entered a space of such unfathomable loathing, darkness, and pointlessness I found myself in a similar despair. The path out was to lay one stone at a time in the day to day reality, to rediscover the meaning in mundane activity, and to cultivate a sober appreciation of the immediate felt experience, whatever it happens to be.

Just remember that while the spice et al. reveals powerful insights and inner/outer workings to us, in the end we still don't know jack shit about anything. Your ego glomming on to this idea that "it's all pointless" is actually a profoundly arrogant and grandious notion (not cutting you down here, I've been of that mind before as well).

Take a break from the stuff. Take walks. Bake some bread. Get out of your head. We are never the same being from one moment to the next.

Yeah, I'm giving it a break. I do not currently know what my future with the molecule will be. Which adds to my deep sadness and yes, I've been feeling it a lot, bitterness.

Rivea, I have read your post three times now. And the more I read it the more it resonates with me and I find myself crying again in my own self-pity. I couldn't believe how you could cut to the core in discussing the scream in the dark and the perverse desire to have it end.

I really do feel re-set to the time before I took that first taste of DMT. I feel very bitter, but very resigned. I do not have a time machine that I can set to 10/2/88 or 12/26/2000 or 12/11/1997 or 5/23/87 or 5/23/87 (FUCK THE WORLD! I HATE IT ALL SOMETIMES!) or 5/1/98 or . . . or, . . . or . . . ..

But there is one difference and perhaps this is the growth: I feel tired, resigned and bitter. I do NOT feel panic, I do NOT feel frantic, I do NOT feel like running or ending it all or expending energy for an attempt at a pointless change.

So, perhaps I can just quietly sit and wait. Observe more and speak less. Understand that all those visions opening with a woman cradling a newborn will never be me and that I have no right to comment on how to raise a child.

Perhaps some quiet, calm, hopefully not too sad, observations and enjoyment can be experienced before the inevitable.

This trip has made me obsessively self-involved and self-interested. My head is filled with vortexes, I trip on light doses of pot (which will never be eliminated but has been reduced this week).

As one gets older, ones long term memory gets LARGER. I'm not that old and yet I can get CAUGHT up in there for LONG periods of time. I imagine this only getting worse and more miserable as one ages, until perhaps, for some, dementia might not look so bad . . . .

I would like to be able to let go of this deep, self-disparaging sadness, bitterness, etc. But, I cannot undo the past 26 years. It is just not possible.

So, I'm ready to move forward, hopefully without too much acting out or crying.

I love you Nexians. I don't envy the challenging times we live in for young adults but I envy your youth and the unspent potential. Oh do I as I look through my potential accounts and find nothing but lint balls.

Anyway, no biggie. Basically, I've come to realize what most people do at a younger age. Or, perhaps an older age. Or perhaps it is all just more delusion. I'm not sure I really care because it really does not matter. I'm interested in not overtly hurting those around me and I know how to do that - do what I've always done, put on the game face, be a good actor. It's been a few years since I've done it, but I remember how.

For those of you who are enjoying being young, all I can say is all those old farts you thought were full of shit were right. It passes so quickly, you hardly know what hit you.

Apathy isn't a bad thing as long as you keep the show going. It's not bad to realize your futility and no longer care about keeping up appearances.

Just always make sure you're happy. I realized I don't matter and felt blessed. It's hard for most people to accept at first. I'd imagine many travelers never reach this state of enlightenment pandora. Feel privileged to learn such a lesson! It does get easier from here.

This, of course, is my experience and opinion. I just don't think where you're at should be seen as a "bad" place to be...

Much love and excellent thoughts here.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but it seems to me that you're less impacted from the guilty feelings of this journey than by the darkness that makes all action, whether good or bad, completely meaningless. Similar to antrocles thoughts, from my experiences in this place, the light passes, like a candle-lighting ceremony, and that passing is everything in itself. It only appears futile when attempting to justify it terms beyond itself, a sense of results or an end goal.

I'll share a few Buddhist quotes touching on this, that I read yesterday:

This experience of yours sounds like the realization of what the Buddha called the First Noble Truth (life is suffering). I'd be very grateful if I could experience this in such a depth as you did. If everything I usually do was clearly identified as selfish acts of ego, then perhaps I could let these things go, and in the resulting emptiness wake up to the real world, without the filters and distortions that result from the egoic mind.