So I had a very big mushroom trip on monday from 5 grams which gave me tremendous spiritual knowledge and shredded my ego. I then ate some aminitas and they helped to ground me and bring me back a bit and teach me I am spirit.

So, everything was going fine until I decided to listen to Ram Daas. I love Ram Daas but I have never responded to him like I did yesterday. His words cut straight through what was left of my ego and suddenly BANG it was gone and I realize I am not that thing, I am, its like I cant even say what I am, I just am. I am just here. I see now that that mind that thinks and talks to me and judges things and constantly wants something, that is not who I am. It is a phemonemnon within the Self but its not the focal point.

So basically now I think I have Self-realization or something thanks to Ram Daas. This is what I wanted and I guess I should be happy but somehow I dont feel like celebrating.

Instead I feel great sadness over the loss of myself. I feel like, I miss being a person. I miss being me. Now I am not a me anymore. I am just some sort of spiritual essence that just exists. I have no dreams or aspirations for the future. I am just here now. I dont know what to do with myself because there doesnt seem to be any compulsive need to do things anymore.

almost all the talking and noise is my head has been dissolved into silence. I thought this was supposed to be joyous or at least peaceful though. Well, I guess it is sort of peaceful but also so so lonely. I dont think I realized this but I used to the voices in my head to keep me company all these years. Even though the voice was evil and caused me so much suffering, at least it kept me company. Now I am all alone and dont know what to do. I had no idea Ram Daas was this powerful.

Something ego still survived to make you bothering.

I read you, you'll get used to it given time.

I second what Jees said.

Just wait until something pisses you off and then BAM, crazy monkey mind will be yammering in your ear again.

First of all dont Panic!

on second; your experience reminds me alot of a story i read in an autobiographic book from a woman called Suzanne Segal.
She had a very sudden self realization experience on a bus station, years after her last time doing spiritual practice.
The next years she spent in a state she described similiar to what you just wrote. She perceived the mind chatter and realized its not herself, but there was still some voice that didnt want to accept the sudden loss of ego and therefor making her life a frightened experience where she was believing for years that shes going crazy.
After years of delving in that state she finally went into the fully "enlightened" stage where she would perceive everything as one and perfect, filling her with joy.
On wiki thers more about it https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Suzanne_Segal
Also if you continue to experience that state of consciusness I would highly recommend you to read this book, I could imagine you could get some more insight about your situation out of this book!

Such sudden changes of the perception of the self and reality espescially induced through psychedelics can be very uncomfortable. So far from all Ive read about those self realisations described in Buddhism and so on, there are different "depths" of "awakening" to this way of perceiving the world. I would belive that the quality of such realisations depends highly on the way they were achieved. If someone meditates daily for years this process might happen slowly and therefore might be less intense.
Psychedelic experiences however are more like a forceful way to achive that state (in my opinion) and they might not happen as thorough as with meditation.

Also because, as I understood all this happenedd just a few days ago, I would say the possibility of you falling back into your old self very soon is quite high.
Those realistations alot of times dont last for long, even for people achieving it with meditation.

All the best and stay calm!

Enjoy this feeling go DEEP into it.

Because, it will not last. While it does, you can learn much from it.

This lis likely just your first taste of a state that you can CHOOSE to move towards with conscious effort and letting go if you wish.

I remember my first similar experience and although mine was blissful I now move closer to these kinds of feelings in my daily life.

My ego struggles against this "voidness" ALOT and the work is consciously relaxing the ego resistance to emptiness. You did the work to get the experience now begin to do the work to relax into this experience.

The feeling of "nothing is worth doing" will pass as you acclimate to this new energy and you will find that before, you had to do something, but now, you can do anything!

I offer you a quote that has been useful and true for me,

Better not to start the spiritual path.
Once started,
Better to finish. -ZEN quote

Thanks guys. I am doing ok I think, still struggling to to adjust to this new state. Obviously I still have some ego left but it is very much less than what I had just a few days ago.

I can feel my ego trying to come back. I think the reason this is so difficult for me is because I have gone through such rapid change in so little time.

It becomes less difficult to see both sides, the ego side and the non-ego side, as non competing things, that they can safely and peacefully exist next to each other. It's just because it is us ourselves that want to make a choice, draw a line, a conclusion, what is best, what to do with, which one is most right, making the analysis, etc etc. Just ease on all this dynamic of the mind that tries to grab or understand. There's nothing wrong with asking these questions, but when these questions start to make you uncomfortable then it is not you having questions, but the questions having you.

There is a time to become sovereign in the gamut of what presents on your path, so you can have then as ingredients of life at your service, instead of the ingredients driving you nuts. I think this last is normal to happen as a phase of evolution, and it will keep happening, but to what amplitude and frequency there is serious tuning possible, a fading can be steered if your intentions are clear in that regard.

Keep hanging in there, time is wonderful medicine, contemplate and do not contemplate, it's all inclusive. It is never done, but in the mean time on gets the hang of doing it. Look at it all, observe it, with a open non bothering view, collect the catalog of life like a librarian, expand your library, collect seem-fully contradicting things and have a good laugh over it. Enjoy doing that.

Written by a non graduated student of life,
I'm still in the works of my own suggestions

The way I see it, and based on my own experiences, you can go two ways after total ego death and finding spirituality/living in the moment.

You can become a robot. You can end up just doing what must be done to survive from minute to minute in your life, without having goals/aspirations/desires. I've heard it said that the Buddha reached a state like this, where he seemed to have no emotions. I'm not sure if it's true, just something I've heard mentioned.

On the other hand, you can realize that love is all that matters, and dedicate yourself to loving others, helping others and doing your best to make this world a better and more peaceful place. Since you seem to find yourself in a place where you aren't encumbered by excessive ego and desire for material things, use this as a launch point to build a new self, a self that is unencumbered by the trappings of life that you once though important. If your ego/self has been destroyed, build a new, better one that serves others with love and selflessness, instead of serving itself and seeking transient pleasures.

That's just the conclusion I came to after being in a situation like your own. The choice is yours.

-Doc

I'd like the combination, if that's ever possible.

mdma really helps me to smooth out any issues I have with my ego or who I feel I am. It's become my second ally atm after mushrooms because of this specific effect it has.

Why so sad?

Just as u suggested, a new journey has opend up! A new sacred journey, for you to explore this silence. Surely it is not empty?
Rejoice!
You have overcome your obstacles.
Seemed like the hardship had vanishd? Thats always up to you.
But a purpose , is always there.

Else, you wouldnt be not content with your state of being.

So embrace a new beginning , ohh yeah and be yourself

If your ego had been fully cut there would be no sadness because sadness comes from desire and really it sounds like you want to want. Ram das is beautiful but everything he says is much simpler than it first appears if what I think I know is really what I know

Thats wonderful, being touched like that can have such a powerful effect, it's not permanent though... so don't worry if you feel a bit far out, it won't last forever.

I'd recommend to not believe your thoughts about the situation, if you keep listening to your mind no matter how far you go it will have something to say about it... i find it's best to just stay in that original innocent equanimity and don't make any assumptions about anything.

I am

This experience offers the possibility to transform as ongoing awareness. I release myself from the identification with the content of my thoughts. I experience thoughts as tools, I use them to create and imaginate reality, driven by my own creativity and logical thinkging.



What of you is craving (for happiness)? Why does it seem important to you to feel happy? Why do you guess how you should feel instead of listening to your own truth of truth, I appear in the here and now as truth itself. Even the identification with "being enlighted" is just an identification which enhances different emotions (in this case maybe comfortable ones) and I release this idea as soon as it appears in myself. I am unconditioned truth.
As a human being my mood (I am) is neutral and feel different intensities of happiness, sadness, anger and fear, which allow me to get the full spectrum of my human experience. I see these emotions like colours in a ever changing panorama based on my own awareness of being.


This is my point zero of human experience, free existence in the infinite totallity of the endlessness of the here and now.



Nothing lasts but nothing is lost, everything is in myself. The expereince of point zero allows me to raise as god of myself. I am the master of myself, I create, I use, I destroy. The total abscence of any conditioned needs combind with the spiritual awareness of infinity offers me the chance to start living my dream and stop dreaming my life.



It is you, who make Ram Daas words as powerful, they are your words. I am reflecting myself on everything, I use things as mirrors and one reality, we all share, lays beyond the these mirrors of projection.

"I am afraid of the unknown and this makes me hesitant, I live in the past and future and look for someone who leads me." .... "I am the master of myself, I am unconditioned truth, unfolding myself in the here and now, regardless." It is always now, it is always myself, I am the ongoing process of life.

I enjoy myself by creating myself.

Much fun & Love tseuq

I've been thinking about this since my first post a couple of days ago: the unsure state we feel in that loss of desire... I think it's a desire for the experience of desire. After all, anhedonia is a real problematic symptom of depression, but also the fundamental expression Buddha nature.

When you want nothing because you desire nothing in a state of pure acceptance of the moment, experiencing the nowness of it without judgement... that's that blank zen empty-circle/empty forest of cicada moment. But it's essentially anhedonic, because you allready have everything, it's all perfect.

Obviously desiring nothing due to depression and the state of perfect acceptance feel very different. It's interesting

This^^^^^ is quite a facinating take on the subject.

My take on it is similar...

It seems as if our Western, digital/industrial culture views Buddha nature as depression a lot of times because we've been conditioned, pretty much from birth, to desire things continuously & when that desire is no longer present for any noticable length of time, we tend say that we're depressed.

Just something that I've noticed over the years with patients at our acupuncture clinic & herbal pharmacy.

Trying to explain to Americans that they're addicted to actions & desires & that true peace comes from non-action & non-desire is no easy task.

Although I do have to say that we have a pretty special clientele in that, a lot of them tend to get what we're saying after a while.

Like an actor faithfully plays a role without forgetting his/her true identity, so can you playfully engage in normal activities without attachment. You can even engage in the activity of attachment. But it won't be as it was before in that you will not be fooled to seek completion through any activity or its fruit. That was the unwinnable game of the little part that fancied itself an agent.

Take your time with this. There is a road ahead of you and it will most likely be a long one. I would put away all psychedelics and integrate the experience into your life. At first it will seem difficult to adjust to how you feel, for me it was like I didn't even remember what it was like to feel the way I used to. This caused me distress quite a few times haha. I'm happy to be able to look back and laugh.

TThink of this as if you just reformatted your hard drive. You now have the chance to install the operating system you choose, all the nifty programs and games that YOU want. Organize your files and folders according to YOUR new outlook. Your going to rebuild your programming from the ground up. Start off by enjoying the little things in life and contemplate what you might want out of your life without the previous attachments you used to have.

I have nothing to contribute. I want to just to offer a deep thank you to all that responded and shared
thier insight.

I am grateful. Thank you for sharing.

I completely agree with this. Man, I'm still integrating the big mushroom & aya trip I took over a year ago. I had to "put down the phone" after that one, and still haven't felt the need to get back yet.