This is something that has been on my mind of late. I just turned 22, and by all accounts I am a healthy, handsome young man with blonde hair, blue eyes, etc. I don't really have self-confidence issues, and I'm pretty adept socially. Now as far as women are concerned, I haven't even had an extended conversation with a girl of my age or younger in years. That has a lot to do with the fact that I haven't been in school for the past two years, but even when I was at a large university for two years, I never had one sexual encounter. Prior to that, I have gotten laid twice in my life, with different women, each of whom I never met before that night, and never saw again afterward. As far as my lifestyle is concerned, I hardly ever interact with young women, so I've identified that as a major issue. One of the reasons for that is that as someone who is out of school and who lives in a rural, sparsely populated area, there is less opportunity.
The other factor that I've identified is pornography. Having been with some women in the past, I know that pornography is not on par with the real thing, but occasionally I will think to myself "it would be really nice to get laid" and then I just get that sexual release from pornography, and those thoughts move to the back of my mind until the next day. It's a bit of a conundrum, truly, because the motivation for me (and most young men) to pursue and interact with women comes from sexual desire. However, when I can fulfill that need from free pornography, where does that motivation come from? I have gone periods of up to a week without masturbating, and the increase in sexual desire is exponential, but why should I ever make that commitment when I can get the release from pornography instead and just stop thinking about it? It makes pursuing women almost impractical, and it no longer becomes a necessity. Thoughts?

I believe the motivation for seeking out a life partner, either same or opposite sex, is rooted in the desire to have a true friend with whom you share the experience of life with. The sexual aspects of a relationship should not be the foundation but rather a part of some bigger structure which is built on top of a base consisting of mutual love and compassion for the inner beauty of each other.



In my experience this is not necessarily true and the motivation should be to find someone who you truly enjoy being with and who will compliment your life in a variety of ways, not just sexually.



If you don't feel driven to pursue women, then don't. Pursue whatever is calling you.

You have obviously never had a real committed realtionship..at least I assume?

If you equate the satisfaction from jerking off to internet porno with the satisfasction of being in a real committed realtionship whose foundation is based upon love, than yes I can see why you might feel there is no point to trying to persue something like this. However..that is not reality in my experience. Neither pornograpny nor real sex with a random person is comparable to a real relationship.

There is more to being with a woman that just pornography and orgasms.

You should probly just go do whatever you feel like doing..but dont confuse sex or internet pornography with all the other things that come from actaully relating to a person on a level beyond just that..and you cant forece yourself to just relate to someone..it wont be sincere.

22 is not that old man..I thought I was old when I was 20..thoght I was ancient at 22..at 29 I think Im some kind of elder half the time..but then I see people who are like 90.

You have a long time to do all these things.

Pornography may indeed be damaging your sexlife. You have come to see it as a viable substitute for the real thing and it just isn't.

I guess watching porn & masturbating to it can give you a physical release from sexual desire, but not a psychological release from that desire. Psychologically there is no
satisfaction in masturbating to porn. So the Psychological half of the desire remains
unsatisfied and stays in the mind from where it will undoubtedly start bothering your
body again the next day.

Watching porn might make things worse: You watch 2 people (or more) do what you desire doing yourself, yet you don't participate. Off course your desire is going to rise exponentially.


And the 2 people who commented on this before me suggested you may be looking for a long term, love based relationship. But I'm not sure it is the problem you're describing here.

Because a long-term, love based relationship may not at all guarantee a fullfilling sexlife.
There are many obstacles that can get in the way. Unfortunately I can attest to that.

And I don't think you can substitute a fullfilling sexlife with a long term, love-based relationship. I think we need both our love-life AND our sex-life to be fullfilling.
The importance of sex, both in itself & in the context of relationships, is hugely underestimated & seen as "dirty" and "impure" compaired to Love/Romance. I feel people are
massively repressing their sexual desires, somewhere still holding the belief that sex is shamefull & too animalistic to be human.

It is our collective denial of being an animal; Our collective desire to be MORE than just an animal. While we really are just an animal. We just so happen to be a significantly more
intelligent species than most of those around us, but that surely doesn't exclude us from
wild mamal sexual desires. Our modern societies are based on a legacy of prudes & religious nutters demonising sexuality as a sin. No wonder all our societies are so full of maniacally frustrated, twisted & false personalities; They're all not nearly getting enough sex.

Sex, either within or outside of relationships, may be seen as a social lubricant. Something that binds us together passionately & vents all our anger and frustration. It is really a most therapeutical/spiritual experience, and depriving ourselves of it to the extent we do REALLY isn't healthy if you ask me.

I keep looking at Bonobo apes and thinking: What if we were just a LITTLE bit more like them? Wouldn't people be alot brighter, satisfied & friendly and less frustrated, sour & twisted? I defenitely think so.

This is very interesting

From what you described, I think your issue lies with how you've experienced sex thus far in your life. You said both times it was a one night stand scenario, so there was no opportunity for emotion connection to develop. That may be why you're seeing porn as a viable alternative to a real relationship which involves emotional attachments.

My suggestion would be to stop watching porn altogether. Not to stop masturbating, however. Get in touch with your sexual desire alone, without any aid. It is extremely difficult, because your mind is probably stuffed with millions of images of pornography. But try to use your imagination to allow you to reach orgasm. It will only intensify your desire to find a flesh and blood partner, but I think that's something very much essential for us humans. Something that we cannot repress without consequences. The urge to mate and procreate is a powerful one, and if it's not addressed it can manifest in many unpleasant ways.

Basically, there's no real substitution for the real thing. When you enter into a relationship with someone and an emotional connection develops, you'll know what I mean

Good luck in whatever you choose.

If i am understanding you right, it is not the porn that is concerning you, but the release that blowing your wad gives. This in turn reduces your desire to get out and search for a partner, whether it be sexual or for friendship, or both.
If your sexdrive pushes you to search for a partner this can lead to solid relationships. Sportsmen refrain from sexual activity before a big event because they want to be in tip top fettle, and i see it the same way for wooing a partner. If you haven"t cracked one off for a while you will be at the top of your game. Both physically and mentally.

Living out in the arse end of nowhere doesn"t help when you are a single person. My advice would be to cut down the masturbation and internet porn and get on a (decent) dating site. I saw a dating site designed for alternative types (if that sort of thing floats your boat) but i can"t for the life of me remember what it was called. There must be loads of them.
This will at least give you a bit of female interaction. What have you got to lose? There are a lot of lonely people out there and at least one of them wants to get to know you better!

I have never been in a committed relationship, no. I am a pretty independent person, and on the spectrum of things, I definitely need less social interaction than the average person, but I still do require it, as do we all. I think that I'm being misunderstood, slightly, and that's perhaps my fault. I KNOW what it's like to be in "puppy love" and to get intimate, and I understand that pornography is not a substitute. However, I don't necessarily know that I want a committed relationship. I don't necessarily want that emotional connection, and I actually disagree that the motivation for seeking out someone of the opposite sex is rooted in the desire to have a true friend with whom you share the experience of life with. If you want a life partner, then that might be the case, but if you don't want one, then it comes from sexual desire. That isn't meant to be derogatory or to diminish the value of relationships with the opposite sex, but I'm quite certain that it's just a matter of human biology. Without a potent sex drive, would you not just keep the company of men instead of pursuing women? Would even think about it? I believe that it's fundamentally what makes us pursue women, but it's also what makes it so emotionally rewarding, and so thrilling. So the desire for women and the desire for sex are inseparable. The physical and emotional connection are part of the same package.

I think that my issue isn't that I have been led to believe that pornography is a viable substitute for real thing, but rather that it "tides me over" and makes my sex drive manageable. Is that clear at all? So like, if for example, pornography was not accessible, and for the sake of this scenario let's say that I couldn't get any sexual release on my own, then by necessity I would have to put myself out there and go after women to fulfill a biological need. As I understand it, the recommendation is that I pursue women on the basis of wanting to form an emotional connection and have relationship, but here's the problem: I don't know if that's what I want. But I do know, with certainty, that I crave the physical part of it. I think that mine is a fairly common problem, whether or not men will admit it, and that there's nothing fundamentally wrong with me saying that I'm just interested in sex. But hey, the fact that I can be so candid might be part of problem too. Maybe I should try to fool myself a little bit more. I guess I'm finding myself wondering: why isn't it easier to just get laid? That simple question might be contributing to my problem too.

It sounds like it"s the escort agency for you my lad.

Id like to add one thing. That a healthy intimate relationship doesn't require you to lose your independence. This is a main cause of relationships failing. When one or both partners become dependent upon each other.
A healthy positive relationship is a trinity. There is the individuals and then the relationship as a unit.

Your partners happiness is not your responsibility nor is yours theirs. This doesn't mean that your not there for them to lean on, go to when in need, of coarse you must always be there to support your partner being happy but its not YOUR job to make them happy. Support is the key word here.

Often times, as we learn how to be a good partner and how to have a healthy relationship, one or both people try to make their happiness or self confidence the others responsibility. This causes ripples and stress on the relationship as a unit. Its impossible for one and self defeating for 2.

Once a person is dependent upon their partner for these inherent needs there instills an underlying resentment as well as mis-trust. A person can fail you or even hurt you. This is why independence must be maintained within the union. When you take responsibility for your own happiness and self assurance the relationship can blossom to its healthy full potential and nobody feels suppressed or reliant.

To be a good partner you should never require the other to be the same person you fell in love with. You should allow them to grow and change and support and cherish this. We all to often feel threatened by our partners changing because we are RELIANT upon them and have lost our independence. This is scary because since we need them in this way their changing is a threat, "what if this new person doesn't make me happy". Well make yourself happy and then their changes and growing becomes a beautiful thing rather than threatening.

Maybe think about this because these words of your feel like you have a negative perception of relationships as if they hold you back or stop you from being you, which is the case 90% of the time until we learn not to make this mistake. A healthy partnership is one of the most beautiful life enriching things we can do as peoples. Sadly IMO 90% of relationships don't know what I'm saying or don;t apply it.

If all you have seen or experienced in relationships is co dependency, its no wonder a person wouldn't want to be in one. Who would?

As far as watching porn, I think that yes this can be damaging. Its not an accurate example of intimate sex with your partner usually. Often times we like porn because its us living out our repressed sexual fantasy's. There is nothing wrong with this but people who watch too much porn or especially young people this can be damaging painting an often times misogynistic picture. I like some porn at times but like it best watching it with my partner. Enjoying it together and being open to each others desires and fantasies IMO is very healthy in a society that suppress' sex as much as ours does. I am most sexually open and diverse when its with a person Im in love with. In fact the older I get the less sex without love is appealing to me.

Well, that was a very thoughtful post. Thank you. While I'm not going to disagree with it, because I do agree with you, I think that at least right now, "love" just isn't what I'm looking for. I'm still at the stage in my young manhood when I see a pretty young lady and my imagination goes bonkers. It's nice, actually, but an inconvenience when it's not being fulfilled. I would absolutely consider a relationship if that were a means to an end, but if it's not physical, then right now I just don't see the value in it. That may very well change as I get older, and I expect it will. But I'm also suffering from a lack of opportunity, because I'm going as much as a week at a time without even crossing paths with a girl whose my age. That's certainly not helping things. But tonight, for example, I know I'm not going to get laid or even encounter a girl, for that matter, so I'll probably end up watching porn. It's just a predictable outcome, and circumstantially it's the most practical solution.

To be blunt, it doesn't seem like you have an active sex life, so the easy answer is yes, pornography is definitely ruining it. I think you already realized this on some level. The porn/masturbation combo is like a visual form of crack, that is jacking up your dopamine risk/reward system. There are a lot of articles about this on the internet.

From someone a lot older I can tell you that, once you've gotten laid more times, you'll most likely (hopefully!) conclude how much better sex is than masturbation. In every way possible. Especially if it's with a girl you genuinely like, and the feelings are more than just for wanting sex. And you may regret wasting years to pornography that could have been spent forming memorable experiences of your own. Which do you think you'll remember more in 50 years, great porn you've seen or fun times with an actual girl?

I would do as others have recommended and take a set break from porn maybe 1-2 months and see what happens. Rely on your imagination only. Also question your beliefs about why you're not getting laid, not everything may be true. I know blokes in rural areas who find girls online who want to hook up, and not necessarily all will want a commitment or a relationship necessarily either. Some will prefer a guy just to have sex and be friends. And if they're a bit off in the head, they are usually wild in bed, and you can try out some interesting stuff. It's easier than you think to get laid, get out and have fun, live it up now while you're young, so you don't have any regrets when you're old.

If it's that important to you you could consider moving to a location where there are lots of "easy women" ie. a city or town with bars, discos, etc. Alternatively try and finance a "sex holliday " Caribean, Thailand, ?

I've been through it all and can tell you for a fact that web porn just fills the mind full of false ideas about sex.
It's totaly voyeuristic in nature, moreover real sex doesn't resemble in the slightest those heavily edited sequences .
I couldn't argue that it doesn't have its place in life if viewed in moderation, preferably with a partner, it can certainly spice things up! But for a young person alone, there is a real risk of it getting in the way of meeting girls and being able to interact with them properly as facinating fellow human beings . Great sex is a consequence of good compatability. That doesn't exclude open relationships, one nighters, or even prostitutes if the situation requires.

Your imagination maybe going bonkers but you still arn"t doing the business.
Dude, if youv"e only been laid twice on one night stands, you need to pull your finger out and get a girlfriend. It"s not like getting married and, more often than not, you can get laid whenever the fancy takes you if you have a girlfriend.
Lying around all weekend in a pool of spent fluids while in the arms of a loved one is one of the finest things in life.
Trust me i speak from bitter experience of missed opportunities that were nobodies fault but mine. If you can look at porn on the net (and a lot of the porn on the net is pretty poor IMO), you can find a woman. No matter where you live. I once lived 350 miles from a girlfriend but my lust carried me to her every weekend for mucho lovemaking. Don"t mentally lever yourself out of the market.
A toss up between having a real girlfriend or watching internet porn and imagining having sex with girls is a complete no brainer.

And then the one day you find
Ten years have got behind you
No one told you when to run
You missed the starting gun

Run!!!

Hm. Maybe it is for you, but for me right now it actually IS a toss-up. I have a lot of reprogramming to do, I guess. Really, honestly, in my entire life, I have never pursued women. I just haven't. Like I said, I never capitalized on years of being in school, and I'm not sure why that it is, but here I am trying to identify the problem. I've also considered that it's something to do with American culture, or lack-thereof. I went to England for five days a few years ago and I managed to hook up, without too much effort, with a Spanish girl. I come back home, and I have absolutely nothing going on, and it just seems like there are a lot of obstacles here. Whenever I travel, I am much more sexually active, but that's not really practical, to just travel out of the country whenever I'm in the mood.

Therein lies the problem.... less tossing, more searching. I hope you get sorted with what you want.

There certainly nothing wrong with knowing your not in a place for a relationship, in fact its great your aware enough to see this. However if you do end up dating with a girl as you put it, as a means to and end, please do the right thing and be completely honest about your intentions. NEVER put your needs of getting layed over a persons feelings. That's just F'd up thing to do and so many guys do this myself included when I was your age. Its not nice, it really causes a lot of emotional damage to girls and can genuinely have serious negative affects on their life and self esteem.

Always be honest, "hey I like you I like hanging out with you but I don't want a committed relationship and if you decline I fully respect that". Its always in your right to not commit, but be honorable and never have a double standard. if you want to sleep with other girls then she has every right to sleep with other people as well. Do the right thing. This world needs more men and expecially young men that treat woman with respect as they deserve.

I do too. I need to be pushed. It's not important enough for me to relocate, although that would be a big help. I guess it's not something that I tie to my self-worth, and there's nothing at all wrong with that if someone does. It probably helps, if anything. This may seem contradictory, but I'm also not really interested in going "out" and partying to meet women, and it definitely puts me off. I need to find a proper context for meeting women in a situation that I'm comfortable in, and I'm drawing a huge blank. The biggest/nearest concentration of girls is a local high school, but I have no idea how to get involved there, and I generally do not like high school girls. They can be intolerable.

And olympus mon, I totally recognize and respect what you've written. I believe in honesty very strongly. In fact, in high school I had a romantic fling with a girl, my only such thing, and it ended abruptly...when I asked her to have sex. The fact that she was so offended by that was mind-boggling to me at the time, and frankly it still is. But I do know not to be THAT honest. It's not that I saw her as a commodity, but rather that I really liked her and I wanted to get more intimate.

Asexual speaking here: this topic mystifies me. You guys are speaking English, but not my language.

Un-Known-Ome - I can only provide my perspective, which is probably pretty outside the mainstream, but figure out what you really need. If all you're looking for is sexual release, then I see no problem with making a habit of masturbating one a day to keep your sex drive from bothering you.

If you're looking for a more intimate relationship (which I'm not sure you are?), then yes, self-love isn't going to fill that void, but there are plenty of things you could be spending the time and energy you devote to sexual pleasure on, and that energy is somewhat wasted if you can fill the need in 5 minutes.

My two cents. Don't feel like you 'need' to pursue sex. If you want it, cool, go for it, but as far as I'm concerned, only 2 sexual encounters is fine. It's not like there's some cosmic counter making sure you're 'sexually adequate,' although I admit, culturally sometimes it feels that way.

Well, I certainly do want it. The question is: how badly. I suppose it's my misfortune that I know how exhilarating it can be, but that's how it is. I suppose life would be easier if I didn't have any desire, but unfortunately, it's there all the time. I have been making a habit of masturbating once a day to keep it in check, but I'm starting to realize that keeping it in check just isn't cutting it anymore. I think it's something that psychedelics have helped me understand better and get in touch with, this existential need that I'm pretty much ignoring.