Hello All,

The honeymoon is over. I suppose it was inevitable and knew it was coming. But, I am surprised that it is fear that is the driving force behind my radical reduction in spice usage.

Had literally dozens of wonderful, intense journeys with several dozen breakthroughs, a lot of ego deaths and a couple mystical experiences. A tough "exam and soul slicing" trip that was followed by a "five minute soul orgasm" a night or two later hardly count as negative in my mind. A sideways trip that began as an ego death and potential tour of the afterlife and ended in phobic synesthesia started the ridiculous fear cascade that is no longer intellectual (if it ever was) and is now completely visceral, on the level of the "reptile brain." Very different from my phobia feelings or fears, which I am actually starting to make some headway on (ah, the irony and beauty of DMT).

It does not matter if I am alone. It does not matter if I am with my husband/soulmate. It does not matter that I KNOW to the depth of my SOUL that I have NOTHING to fear and lot of learning and ecstacy to look foward to should I decide to answer the call that I have been continuing to hear. Honestly, I do not mind dying and have kind of gotten good at it, or at least good at relaxing into it. This is somethnig else. Deep. Visceral. Primal. It takes a tremendous effort of frontal lobe will to overcome it and I am reticent to muster such resources it seems.

Related to the physiological response that is inevitable with DMT consumption (higher heart rate and bp)? Perhaps. Yet, it starts way before I take the first hit. But, it only happens when I KNOW I am going to vaporize spice. I am bothered by it because I WANT to consume spice. It does not overflow into my regular life.

Set up like a phobia loop? No, because it feels very different from my one remaining phobia AND 95% of my trips are FANTASTIC. Shit, DMT "gave me religon." Yet, I cannot face my sacrament at a breakthrough level (I have now tried pharmahuasca).

DMT continues to touch me in new and unexpected ways and I am finding this one to be particularly challenging.

Peace & Love,
Pandora

Spice is just telling you it's now time to NOT smoke spice for a while. Give it a rest and then one day you will feel ready.

HOW WAS THE PHARMA JOURNEY???

maybe it's just time to go that route for a spell....that's what i've decided to do. just pulled a solid gram of fumarate recently and figured i'd give the vaporgenie the month off as i learn to work with the sacrament in a new way.....

was it your pharma journey that induced this fear situation? if it was from smoking it, just give it a break for a spell....you've got nothing to prove to anyone....trust me, you'll come back and fall in love with it all over again after a short respite. could just be that you've hit FULL on your spice-wisdom tank... time to go drive around and use that wisdom until you're ready to get filled back up!

sending you much love, sister!

....AND GRATITUDE!!

antrocles,

Pharmahuasca was very impressive at 3 grams P. Harmala and 70 mg. freebase in o.j. I will post a trip report this weekend when I have better internet access.

Pharma journey induced no fear other than not making it to recepticle to vomit in time (fear was unfounded).

There has always been a sort of intellectual fear, a kind of trepidation or apprehension. It was the sideways trip - the handoff of the synesthetic phobia filled hula-hoops - that started the fear cascade but oh boy it now has little or nothing to do with that. This fear has seemingly taken on a life of its own. As mentioned, I have been making some real headway (for the first time in my life) on my insect phobia. And this fear is hitting in a different, even more visceral way, than the phobia ever did or than the creep-out feeling did that resulted from the sideways trip.

I guess it is my addictive personality that doesn't want to let it go. I feel that I have only scratched the surface and to stop now would be risky on multiple fronts. Check out this rationalization: 1.) DMT seems to have a very positive impact on my neurotransmitter levels, certainly much more efficacious and less toxic than the SSRI's I flushed awhile back. I am already finding that I am struggling to maintain a positive attitude and not slip into depressive thinking or behavior. 2.) DMT has converted me but I have spent much more of my life in the ignorant/rational state of mind and do not want to loose sight of what DMT has shown me. I feel like I need to go to "church" reguarly. 3.) I know I've got no one to impress, . . . but I have a number precedences in my life of taking way too much time off from things that I decide to take a break from . . .I hope this kind of makes sense.

I have thought of taking a break but it will be hard. I have been cutting back/reducing in a kind of natural way. I just find that I do think of it a lot but cannot face doing it Perhaps the oral route is the way to go for now. An impressive, immersive, 3-D journey, but it did not even approach what happens in a breakthrough.

Peace & Love,
Pandora