I will try to write to the best of my ability without potentially identifying myself in the real world.

I was raised in a fundamentalist christian household.. sort of. I eventually read the bible in full and became disenchanted. I was your typical high school angry atheist.

I've dealt with a lot of issues with disassociation, anger, anxiety and depression.

I was on anxiety medication for a bit and felt that my soul was gone and I cared very little about a lot of things but I was very functional and successful in the eyes of the world.

A buddy of mine had told me he had found mushrooms. I took myself off my anxiety medication in preparation. I just didn't care anymore.

I tripped and had a lot of insight come to me.

I eventually got into a meditation practice having read the science journals on it of course.

I kept going into harder and harder dosages with mushrooms and eventually then acid.

I had a very intense acid trip (1000ug) that made me question the fabric of reality.

My mind couldn't let me escape this question and I had to sit down and "solve" it. It was really coming to a deep understanding of what it means to be human v.s. just a machine. I concluded finally that people are experiencing such emotional things that are so genuinely similar to me that it's so close to the real thing of being what I consider human that it's basically the real thing. As long as we could listen to each other deeply and fully we could learn from each other and grow as people and spirits.

I got into my local zen buddhism scene and have since done a few retreats up to a week long silent retreat and I try to maintain a regular practice.

I recently did DMT twice. One of which I don't think was a break through experience but it was still very eye opening. Once I was in, I was scared and wanted out. Unlike other psychedelics you can't change your setting. I talked to an entity that was dark and knew how to mess with me where I was vulnerable. I summoned a great deal of strength and fought it off. Many things happened and I eventually talked to a visualization of some sort of third eye version of me. Just the personality of no personality that is an observer. A giant eye with square fractals. I hate seeing my friends and those around me in pain but even if I can take it on for them it doesn't remove that pain. I am part of this universe around me, I'm not separate from it for better or for worse. I'm still only human and I matter just as much as the people I would like to not experience suffering.

My second trip I blasted off with my eyes open. I watched myself from across the room take the last hit as I was fighting the onset. I was shot out of my body and everything I knew. I couldn't convince myself I would live any longer it was just so different than anything I've ever done. I changed my manta from "I won't die, people have done this before". To "I'm fine".

It was like a roller coaster combined with a fireworks display and a hall of mirrors all together.

I'm not sure if I want to go back any time soon, and I definitely want to get back to being more regular on my meditation and zen practice but it has been an experience like no other.