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Officer: Denver Police Department
Neurotic citizen: Hello, I'd like to report my neighbor
Officer: Please go ahead mam'
Neurotic citizen: I've always been suspicious of him. He always seem odd and off to me.
Officer: Have you observed him harming property or people?
Neurotic citizen: Well no. But he is offensive. He tells me I should not eat all this sugar and processed food. That they are not good for me. He said I may be addicted to these engineered foods and that they stimulate the same brain areas as cocaine! Something about science and brain scans. Can you believe that wierdo!?
Officer: Mam' have their been any crimes?
Neurotic citizen: Then he told me to that it may be a good idea to spend time in nature and with my kids. He quoted some other science stuff. Thankfully the internet has proven that science is just a HOAX!
Officer: He does seem weird mam', but you need to report a crime for us to look into him.
Neurotic citizen: OK, so the other day he invited us over for some vegetarian home made meal. I was like, where's the MEAT? What a bad host, right? Anyway while he was showing the other neighbors his veggie garden and medicinal plants, I snuck into his room to see what this weirdo is up to. You, know investigating the weirdos like any God fearing red blooded American would do!
Officer: You have permission for that?
Neurotic citizen: Hold on. So in this closet, I found mushrooms. I'm pretty sure they are magic or something like that. He's probably using to dope himself or something. Must be a reason he is so fit, successful, and always seems so calm and loving. Something about neuroplasticity thingymagig. Weirdo I tell you!
Officer: Well, in the past we could have sent in a swat team in the middle of the night with flash grenades and risk of having shots fired.
Neurotic citizen: Yes! Do that! I love death and destruction. If he survives your invasion make sure you send him to prison for many years. Sweet!
Officer: Well, we don't do that anymore. After ordinance 301 we need to use police resources towards crimes like rape, assault, robbery, etc. We've actually started to catch up with old rape kits now and make progress.
Neurotic citizen: Those damm hippies and their votes! They should all be rounded up and shot!
Officer: Please don't do that mam'
Neurotic citizen: Don't worry abut me. I'm a good citizen, but something must be done. I've got to go and take by depression and high blood pressure and cholesterol pills. At least I got my bacon and bacon sandwich, boos, and violent shows and porn to look forward to.
Officer: OK, have a good day
Neurotic citizen: God bless you and damm all those hippies! I'm so full of hate and rage right now, I need my drinks and pills.
*click