I'm kinda confused as to how to post on this site but I really want help and advice, apologies if this is the incorrect place.

So I've smoked DMT twice. My first time was very strange and slightly traumatic. I was smoking with my best friend and he went first (his first time also). He was fully conscious, explaining how intense it was and how he'd thought he'd taken too much, he seemed very scared at first. So I went after him. I took my first big hit, I held it in for 7 seconds, I saw my best friend's face melt and started to get very scared. He was pretty amused by my shock and laughed at me because he thought I was experiencing the same intensity as him, he jokingly said "take another hit." The visuals became far too intense and there was an immense ringing in my ears. I lay back and everything went black, I came-to a few times during the trip for a few split seconds at a time, with barely any visuals, just a feeling of terror and dread that this was permanent. I recall him holding a bucket under me because he thought I was gonna vomit. In these moments I felt extremely violated, like I'd been raped.



During the trip I felt as though all the things I'd read about DMT, all the conversations I'd had with my friends about it, everything related to it basically, was all a trick, something had been "grooming" me into taking it so that I could be violated like this. It all felt like a sick joke, I felt tricked by my best friend into trying it and it was just so bizarre and alien. I was very very relieved after watching PsychedSubstance's video this weekend on what a bad DMT trip feels like. He detailed how it could feel like you've been raped by beings.



Fast forward to the next weekend. I was determined to try it again as I'd heard so many surreal and amazing experiences about it, I absolutely love psychedelics and this was the ultimate experience. I smoked it with the same guy (my best friend) along with another very good friend who had never tried it before. My best friend goes first again and says it was absolutely amazing and says I have to go, it'll be amazing etc etc. I had blessed his crystal necklace with incense and good energy so I felt a bit better about it this time round, I looked up some yoga breathing exercises as I'd heard breathing beforehand helps a lot. When I grabbed the bong I was absolutely terrified. I was feeling extremely anxious but still determined to do it because of what he'd said and the saying "your largest fear carries your greatest growth."



So I hit the bong (sandwhich method) and I blacked out again initially but sort of came-to at times and experienced some strange but subtle COV's. I remember thinking that I'd never subject myself to this again, although later on in the night I wanted to do it again but we all fell asleep before we could haha. The experience was far less intense this time and I managed to take about 3 hits, dosage was undetermined both times (very irresponsible I know) but it seemed like a reasonable amount judging by what some of my friends said over whatsapp.



Anyways, I am writing this because anytime I think about DMT, I get anxiety and can feel exactly how i felt in those moments before passing out, just extremely anxious. I want to do this substance again and see all that it has to offer but I feel like going into the experience being scared is a bad thing.



Another thing bugging me is something I heard on a Terence McKenna lecture. He said how his friend had also passed out and said that nothing had happened, but upon asking her if she wanted to try again she said absolutely not. This is almost exactly how I felt. He went on to explain how he would describe her as a fragile person and not someone to lean on in a time of crisis. He said the reason she didn't see anything/bring anything back was because it would have destroyed her. I felt extremely disheartened by his story as I often black out on high doses of psychedelics. Sometimes I feel as though I'm a bit of a pussy compared to my friends but i wouldn't describe myself as fragile. Does anyone have any advice for me regarding the black outs? Should i speak to a shaman or something? Sorry for the long post, I doubt anyone has made it this far but i just felt like it was really important to type this out, thank you to anyone that has taken the time to read my story, any advice would be much appreciated. Much love <3

Seems like your ego is holding on for dear life during all this. This happens. I havent had it, But i think Ive always been pretty acceptable to what dark moments come my way. EGO is like a scared child in us, when we experience something like this that defies everything we hold on to as worldly beliefs. try meditation for awhile, I did and I have had amazing experiences. Although on the flip side of that coin. I have had the same gram of DMT for 6+months only using it once in great while and with respect,.. Set and setting also play a huge part in this. look into that. and before you go on a journey I tell my newbies to imagine your worst possible trip before hand so anything that does go dark doesn't bring up so much fear and anxiety. Because you already experienced it before.

Now seriously take some time for yourself and its great you looking into YOGA, It is very relaxing and can be transcendent after a while.meditation is ajust another part of yoga but yoga asanas are about finding stillness and being present.

EDIT: Also that ringing you heard was you breaking through, that vast blackness is when you need to address the "intention" for the trip, which is very important even if its just to encouter celestial being or to explore another planet.what ever, a intent effects alot. kinda like a ground. its really easy to get distracted by all the shapes and bright lights and dancing chicks in boy shorts.lol yes they are in alot of my dmt experiences! So ask your question, they will give you answer and guidance.

If you're blacking out from high doses don't you think it'd be more effective to scale it back? This has nothing to do with being a "pussy". If you're blacking out then you're not gaining anything from the experience which is the point in the first place. It's not to see which one of you and your friends could handle the most drugs. I can do more than any of my friends and I'm often the one who always doses way lower than anyone else. These drugs should not be pushed unless you're ready to. I sometimes get anxiety beforehand, but it's important to be calm and relaxed when you actually take the hit. The conscious mind at times seems fragile and other times it seems unbreakable. It's really a bad gamble to play around when you're in a fragile state of mind, and especially when you dose too high.

Don't let your friends get in your head, start low and work your way up, it takes longer, but it's a smoother transition. Breakthroughs aren't the most important thing in the world. I've healed just as much with a long session and a gradual climb into the experience, meaning, taking a small hit, waiting a few minutes, taking another small hit, and repeating till I'm there.

I highly doubt you have PTSD, you're probably just anxious because the experience is so recent. Once the initial shock is over and you've integrated what you've learn, you'll feel more alive than ever.

And remember, Terence McKenna was a man of theories, not necessarily fact.

Oh yeah, and just wait until your egodeath happens and your in your Dark knight! hahaha thats a test. but a beautiful thing once your through. change your life.

If you intend to continue using psychedelics, then you should start concentrating on accepting every experience you have. Don't take these difficult experiences personally. Try and not to ruminate. These experiences can bring things up, emotions, changes in perceptions, these things all combined can challenge old ways of thinking that may no longer serve you. Sometimes it can be hard to let things go.

Don't push yourself too much and go at your own pace, please try and not compare yourself to anyone else in this world, it will only serve to cause division by making you vain or bitter. It could help to start looking at these experiences as something to learn from no matter what comes. You already stated "your largest fear carries your greatest growth." This is really good to keep in mind. If you can let the things that scare you or are difficult for you empower you, then everything else is easy. This translates to everyday life. I feel like these experiences point towards the best way to live for each of us as individuals.

I have found that for me personally, psychedelics have been self regulating. At some point it is good to slow down and just do it every now and again. Integration is really important if you want to take something out of these experiences. Give yourself time to think about your experiences and integrate as best you can, letting go of the rest. Some stuff should just fall to the wayside.

If you are having blackouts, I highly suggest a break and or much lower doses if you insist on doing psychedelics. Dial it back and find a sweetspot, so to speak. Take er easy and try and laugh it off when you have a difficult one. Work on that set and setting more and more. Set intentions. Pay attention. Integrate. Enjoy the journey!

You have much more power than you give yourself credit. I think you know what is best for you and what decisions regarding psychedelics will be best for you.

Peace!

I dunno how to reply to you guys but thank you for your advice!

I keep a dialog for my trips as i described in my introduction as a newbie here and psychonaut with some travel time Its good to write it down come back to later with different mindset and maybe see something you didnt before. I have had trips tie into another that was 6 mnths prior, i only know because i wrote it down.