To my fellow Nexians,

I am here to ask for some honest advice after having suffered a pretty rough weekend including: what felt like ego death possession; the removal of my concept of free will; and then earth-shattering synchronicity watching a film which perfectly summarised all my artistic interests and my life up until this point whilst sober.

Basically, I ask that if you have any advice for re-integration after a tough trip I would really appreciate you reading through this. I have found this forum of amazing place to discuss and advice and now I ask for some honest help and hope some you awesome people could oblige.

So a little background, I am a freelance script writer and love cinema and mental exploration. So on Saturday, I tried what I thought was a minor dose of 2C-B but ramped it up considerably with marijuana (I had two pills tried one and it was barely threshold so thought I would try to ramp it up a bit). Now I have quite a lot of previous psychedelic experience: 3x shrooms (max. 5g), 5x Acid (max. 300ug) & 4x DMT (max. 40mg) and have always been able to handle myself relatively well.

Part One: The Day of the Trip 02/02.

This time I was not prepared to go so deep into ego death and be completely pinned. The clarity (more specifically the lack of visuals and patterns) of the 2C-B headspace made the feeling of being pinned down and overwhelmed by energies out of my control quite scary. I felt as if I were truly slipping out of existence into nothingness only energy. At the time I was listening to Burial’s Untrue and the album took over my trip: I felt as if I had dropped into the echoey chasms of sonic texture – the decays and reverbs of past tracks. I truly felt Mark Fisher’s concept of Hauntology.

So being trapped in this moment, I realised or rather was confronted by the idea that I was not intrinsically special, but was part of a collective intellect: that all things created were from me, but indirectly if that makes sense. I am part of all creation, but not the actual node that made it. In retrospect, this was the most intense attack on my ego I have ever faced. I pride myself on being a thinker and a creative. What I create may be influenced by others, but all the time I am struggling to be unique and try to create something powerful and meaningful. I have always been wrestling with the idea of whether I wanted to create to satisfy by egoistic desires or whether it was from a place of selflessness (i.e. wanting to ensure that something quality exists on Earth). My problem is that my theory of deciding what is good is using my personal convictions as a basis and hope that if it satisfies me it must inevitably interest someone else. I was extrapolating from my interests and is that right?

Anyway, I felt like what I created was in jeopardy; the trip reduced me to feel like I was possessed by only my basic drives. I couldn’t distinguish my intellectual involvement from my uncontrollable urges. Maybe all my many scripts were only products of inevitable determinations and that it isn’t really that impressive. It was a tough pill to swallow to say the least.

Part Two: The Day After - Re-Integration and some strange symptoms

So the day after I am trying to integrate, and I decide to meet up with my friend and a go see a film I had been dying to see called Burning. I sat in the cinema and it rocked me to my very core. It first hypnotised me and then felt as if it spoke to all my most basic artistic convictions and emotionally drained me to my very core.

VAGUE DISCUSSION OF THE FILM’S ARCHETYPAL IDEAS I will not spoil any plot details just discuss ideas, but will nonetheless put spoilers so you want to go completely blind into the film, but I must state that this is only thematic ideas and not details.

The film deals with idea of [Spoiler 1] being a passive protagonist in a world that is leaving you behind and getting an emotional outreach or saviour that your passivity causes you to let slip out your hands. [End of Spoiler 1]
Now, ever since doing psychedelics I have been trying to find the best ways to actualise myself and become more active. I have done exactly this former premise – been too passive and missed out on a relationship. Now I’m trying to rectify this issue in myself. I had to go back through reliving this personal grief with the protagonist, [spoiler 2] to the point of a symbolic ego death [spoiler 3]. The ego death that I had just struggled with. [spoiler 4]The protagonist was also a writer who was wasting his time away, trying to find something worthwhile to write about. [spoiler 4]

Basically, this film is exactly the film I dream of making. It covers all my personal struggles and arranges them into an allegorical tale about actualisation through becoming more active and choosing love. But, I didn’t make it and I have been trying to write something like this for a while. It concerns all the same themes that I am using to write and conceptualise all my stories from.

Again, suffice to say it was not only reality-shattering as it felt as if it were speaking to me, but also nuked my ego that I was not the only person who might be able to make a work of this sort. I had to confront whether I wanted to have the egoistic success or make a good work of art. I fear that my reaction pointed to my egotistical nature and I have been struggling with this realisation.

Another strange aspect, during my 2C-B trip it felt like I got possessed by an erotic spirit that took over my body and forced me to climax; and in this movie [spoiler 5] a ghost of a loved one gives a handjob. [spoiler 5] Basically this detail’s synchronicity really freaked me out.

Now, if you hadn’t gathered already all these events pushed me to the very edge of a psychotic break that I am still navigating now. I became paranoid and thought I would die any second, I kept bursting into tears and really weighed up suicide for the first time.

I have gone through bad trips before, but this one has really rocked me. In the worst way I feel as if I can’t truly tell where I begin and where the infinite energies start. I still look at my body and don’t truly feel like I’m in control. I mean when I first noticed this, I had to fight my hands to write the words to make this bizarre sensation real.

So I am in a bit of a tough headspace, and as much as I love the idea of interconnectivity and find it beautiful, feeling or rather experiencing it as my reality is making life as an incarnated being a tough mental strain. I know I may sound crazy (but I feel like I’m preaching to the choir here as best as possible haha), but I was wondering what you guys do to reintegrate after a knock like this. I’m doing exercise, talking to people and going through the motions, it feels okay, but man I feel like there’s this dormant insanity that I’m trying to keep in check and it's tough. It makes me think of a quote from Ken Kesey: “I believe there’s a whole new generation of kids. They walk different… I can her it in the music… It used to go… life - death, life - death… but now it’s… death – life… death – life…”

Writing this down is making me shake, but I feel I need to move onto life from my death. It is hard!
I hope this wasn’t too long and rambling, but yeah would love some honest advice.

Day 3

It is now 04/02/19 and my whole perception of the world has taken in the strange visual acuity of an acid trip - bright colourful slight distortions and hyperreal. I feel none of the subjective effects, but the whole timbre of my experience (that psychedelic type of vision if you know what I mean) it's freaking me out.

Best wishes to you all, and be careful with mixing weed and psychs if you aren’t ready to get blasted off – and respect 2C-B!!! It can rock you!!!!

Peace and love.

look i cant really say i know what your going through. the trouble i had integrating pertained more to obsessing... i began questioning everything and kinda drove myself crazy with it. i couldnt stop thinking about life, death, god, existance, to the point it was seriosly effecting my attitude at work , and my marriage. like i said before, i know this isnt quite comparible to what your dealing with. the visuals would definately freak me out to. but you gotta take a breath man... i think a big thing that helped me through some of my hardest times what saying f*ck it(parden my language) ... i know this isnt a simple thing to do because you cant exactly just cut anxiety issues off. but you have to try your best to drive it in your head that whatever happens it is what it is.. you may have to turn to your religion, if your not religious tell yourself everything happens for a reason, and if your dont like that saying just say f*uck it i need to go seek professional help(at least if you think your crazy and im not saying you are then your sane enough to except you need help)... the point is the term "fear nothing but fear itself" exist for a reason... just take a breath and try to calm down i promise youl be in a better state to assess your situation. good luck man... the nexus is here for you.

I think the only thing that helps 100% of the time, all the time is time

Give yourself more time and space, take more walks in nature, listen more to some beautiful music.

After all, everything will fall right in its place and will be fine

I’m sorry to hear you’re struggling. I can’t give you any insights on the drug itself – if it’s common to feel that way, side effects etc. Haven’t tried it. Don’t know much about it. But I would like, if I may, to respond to some other aspects of your post.

I feel like coming to terms with not being ‘intrinsically special’ is an important part of self-development. In its worst form the feeling that we are intrinsically special is a type of disorder i.e. narcissism, and some of the worst narcissists are artists. However, not to say you aren’t intrinsically special. We all are unique. Everyone has their unique ‘blueprint’. I believe it’s rather rare for an artist to not create for the sake of fulfilling egoistic desires, but that doesn’t mean that the product of the artist’s labor isn’t powerful or meaningful – for society and for themselves. Many young writers, painters, photographers and script-writers are often driven by a naïve perception of art stemming from ‘the artist myth’; thinking it’s all divine inspiration, that it is ‘pure’, that is has to be selfless or larger than life. Wanting to ‘ensure that something of quality exists on Earth’ is also a tad superfluous if it’s only out of selflessness since there are already plenty of artworks of amazing quality on Earth.

My point is that there is nothing wrong with creating to fulfill egoistic desires, it’s fun, it’s meaningful, creating feels great and if you enjoy admiration, enjoy! Do you know of any selfless artists? If they were truly selfless I don’t believe they’d ever show their work to anyone but themselves.

The film you’re talking about is based on a novel by Murakami, right? I haven’t seen the film but I know Murakami is great at appealing to some sort of collective sense of self. The way the character resonates in The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle spoke to me personally, and millions of other people around the globe.

However, enough about this. I think the most important part is to take a break. Don’t try to figure these things out right now. It’s quite possible that the drug is still affecting you at this point. I don’t know about its half-life or anything like that, but perhaps it’s still working in your system, and/or created a temporary imbalance of neurotransmitters/hormones/cytokines or whatever. You don’t have to figure these things out at this exact moment. Save them for a later date. Philosophy is great, but maybe not so much when our minds are in a jumble. Your account for day 3 sounds a bit like HPPD, isn’t that so? How are you feeling now?

Hey friend!

Sorry to hear about the difficult experience! Hopefully it is only a very brief temporary suffering that you will learn from and become a better stronger person because of it.

Did you check out the integration section in the health and safety area? It may be of your interest:

https://wiki.dmt-nexus.m...h_and_Safety#Integration

Thanks for the responses guys. They all are really helpful and it's nice to hear other advice even though they obviously don't always relate.

I'm feeling a lot better today. I think what I'm learning is that to notice and dwell on the stranger aspects of the trip and what it has sparked in my mind causes it to keep its power. In other words, I'm trying to put it in the back of my mind and not let it take over my narrative or rather become my narrative. I won't let the fear of psychosis propel me further down that hole.

Right now my vision is still a little odd and can give me slight paranoia, but I'm accepting it as the new normal for now. I also think that in general in life we can spend too much time looking down and in our own heads so when we start to inspect the world (especially from a paranoid starting point) things which really are normal seem odd. I have found talking with friends going to work and other such things really helpful to get me out of too much introspection.

And thanks promises - I really liked what you said. I think I was most annoyed because I try my best to act selflessly and help others, but fear that my hopes to make art straddle the boundary of my unique blueprint and narcissism. I hate narcissistic people and am (i would say even overly) modest about what I make preferring to let it speak for itself. I think I just need time to conjugate what satisfies my personal fulfilling drives with what I hope is a net positive in the world (i.e. art that I like and other can respond to). I don't wish to feel attachments to ideas anymore that is the hurdle I am trying to jump. Maybe it is slightly egoistical, but it is my primary personal love and I don't think I can let it go.

All passes with time. I'm just trying to 'be' for the next couple of days, return to normal waking rhythms and let the neuroticism fade. Thanks for your responses guys. I'm glad I've got you guys to talk it out. And keep your friends close so that you can discuss these issues with them, talking with a good friend was invaluable to putting my personal issues in perspective and help breaking them down as pointless to pursue.

We all have personal desires you could call egoistic. And even from a moral point of view there is nothing wrong with that, because how could we ever be generous, kind or giving, if we wouldn't even have a basic notion of human desires? Pure altruism, a total lack of selfishness does not realy exist, and yet it does. Because if we realy would be completely selfless, there would not be anything special about altruism. There would be no reason to appreciate it.

We are driven by basic, egoistic needs. But THAT does make the the act of giving special. Because it requires us to transform ourselves. To redirect an inner force that could be a very negative form of energy, into something positive. And requires us to sacrifice a part of ourselves.

Yes, it is a bit of a loop. But life is like that. And you could also see it as finding a balance between giving and taking. It is a greater sacrifice to have needs, and to find such a balance between giving and taking, than to have no needs at all, and just to give completely.

Be well.