I have a history of schizophrenia, which is the scientific explanation for my visions. But I personally believe that what I saw was true. I don't experience hallucinations or basically any symptoms at all anymore. The first time she came to me, was when I was walking home from my friends house. I was not intoxicated or tripping. I suddenly saw a figure of bright light, a young woman clothed in red and blue with shimmering gold stars around her. She commanded me sternly but lovingly: "Do what you know is right." At the time I was discerning the priesthood in a Catholic order, but have since decided against that because of the institutional problems in the Catholic Church and their abhorrent stance on homosexuality. However I am now considering the Episcopal Church.

I interpreted this message as a command to become a priest, abstain from harmful drugs, and treat my family well. The second time she appeared to me was a couple months later, when I was smoking a cigarette outside. She appeared across the street, a figure dressed in black shadow, with a silohette of deep purple light inside of her illuminating her figure. She said, similar to the first time, only "You know what you have to do," before disappearing in flashes of golden light.

I felt frightened when this all happened, but afterwards was overcome with love and grace and a desire to change my life. These were powerful, psychedelic, life-changing experiences. I told my family but they don't believe me and said I was seeing things again. What do you guys think? Is it true? How do I interpret these mystical visions?

They sound like wonderful, life-changing experiences. You don't need the approval of your family for them to have deep spiritual significance to you... And the nature of mystical experiences has always been that only you can discern their true meaning.

I wish you much strength and faith in pursuing your chosen path.

Thank you, that means a lot. I had a feeling no one but me could interpret her message. I understand now that the message was to serve a particular purpose in my life at that point, to inspire me to live life to the fullest. I was dealing with stimulant drug addiction, which psychedelics have healed me from, and I believe the message, real or imagined, was to give me hope in no small way. I think about these experiences a lot. Even in my many many psychedelic trips, I have never experienced spirituality in such a chthonic, pragmatic, truthful, and hopeful way than when I did when she came to me... In my mind I know there is no absolute capital T Truth, but I use Christianity and Christ's message to order my lifestyle and I use belief as a tool to get the most out of life.

It has helped me to be able to pray the rosary to discern the meaning of these visions. I have never told a priest, even those I am close to, about my visions. And I don't think I will unless I know for sure they will not judge me as crazy. Because it is kind of a crazy thing. Spirituality of different types has helped me overcome my mental illness in many ways.

I am a Catholic Philosopher. On Ayahuasca there is a mother figure as well. I was able to ask her about her relation. It seemed that she was the feminine force and Aya and Mary were just "implementations" of that force. Not the same being, but they were all "One of many Mothers".

I bask in that love any chance I get.. it is the most healing thing I have ever done.

Bless you, I have had a lot of solo roads to travel. In general the esoteric doesn't fly very far with these communities or they are so Esoteric they lose all cognative place in reality.

The one thing you can do.. Keep it in your mind that it may all be you. But hold on to the experience for every healing moment it gave. While I must doubt (due to deceptive mind) my extremely realistic and profound contacts with entities for hours on end. The healing stays with me.

If you believe you are schitzophrenic, it isn't advised to do psychedelics as they can aggrevate the symptoms. However, it seems like that was "while awake".

There are some great books on Audible that helped me sort things out: (All Great Courses)
The Deceptive mind
Metaphysics
Philosophy of Religion (Asks some great questions)
Philosophy of the Mind: Brains, Consciousness, Thinking Machines.
Redefining Reality: The Intellectual Implications of Modern Science
Reasons and Faith
Consciousness and it's Implications
The Modern Intellectual Tradtions: from Descartes to Derrida


I have about 140 more, and have listened to them all if you ever want to talk about anything. These are long they are college courses (20-30 hours each).

These can help you understand what reality is, what we can even begin to question, how to form premises that can help you build on things to stand on. What can you even trust in your perception? How real is reality? Does science actually back any sort of atheism?

It's a lot and a long road. The above will let you evaluate "how to think" so you can make your own judgements from an honest and sincere place. THe journey is long, but it will free you from others thoughts. It will also show you what you can hang your hat on, and what is truly your pre-conceived notions and what is possible false perception.

I'm still on the journey and realized it will never end .. but it is a lot of fun so it is one of the most enjoyable parts of my life now.

<3 brother.. Fate

Absolutely feel free to talk to your clergy.

I got permission for my esoteric search as I wanted to "look for God everywhere" rather than trust any of man who may or may not know.

When I returned, I went to the mountains with a priest. We drank beer and I talked to him about my trip to Peru. He said everything I was told matched up with what he knew. Most of them are trained in Theology or Philosophy at a Masters level.

Thank you for the book recommendations. Yes, in my experience priests are very well-rounded people able to discuss different philosophies.

A person with schizophrenia experiencing visions and communicating with angels while sober strongly suggests that their schizophrenia is acting up again.

What some people say "schizophrenic" or crazy person would be referd to as shaman and highly intellectual and spiritual person who leads the tribe back in the days, this is gift, you should enjoy it and learn from the experience that we all lack, you are a truly special person.

Tip: Dont talk about these experiences, people tend to label and repel the people and things (everything) that they dont understand, this is the average person deffense mechanism against the unknown. Enjoy your experiences and learn from them so you can become your greatest version, life is perspectives, nothing is right or wrong, nothing is by accident, nothing is good or bad, our understanding of these things are sculptured by hundred of years of brainwashing. Only mother nature is right and perfect and beautiful, i always hear when people consume DMT or Ayahuasca or any other psychdelic they see a woman and i always wondered could this woman be mother nature herself? Psychdelics are product of nature, we are product of nature, we live in nature via nature.

I've been called crazy a lot of times (though im not diagnosed nor i experience any symptoms) by all kinds of people, some of those people were: Addicted alcoholic who drank wine for 20+ years STRAIGHT EVERY SINGLE DAY without drinking a drop of water(maybe a glass per week), showering once a week eating garbage food and addicted to ciggaretes, smoking 2 packs a day never worked out in his life Who never achieved anything positive in this life i also been called crazy by a girl who believes in a white colored bearded guy named GOD(Jesus) who reincarnated to start a control seeking religion with his promises which could be interpreted nowdays like election campaign and she believed that he is living in the clouds controling every human faith, and she truly believed he existed which could now be described as delusional behaviour, and when i used to talk to her about psychdelics which everyone on this planet can touch see and experiences she was like: I dont care in this bullshit this is fake and i dont believe in this. I mean the people who call you crazy are people who believe in a bearded man with long hair called god who they never seen or talked to but they dismiss a psychdelic experiences and psychdelics in general which everyone can experiences and touch and see for themselves without any praying faith or religion. mmhmmm makes sense but not to me. Good Luck

Edit: Im saying noone has the right to judge because they themselves are definetly not even near perfect or sane to give opinions. We are all product of insane society so noone can be sane in that regard. I wish you the best!

That's a limited viewpoint of schizophrenia. My doctor is not concerned about it, and I had no other symptoms. To be diagnosed with schizophrenia, the symptoms need to negatively impact your life in a severe way. This positively impacted my life, which is why I don't consider it a symptom. That is why I choose to believe it is true.

Thank you for your words, Entity.

It is a limited viewpoint of schizophrenia, partially caused by my lack of vocabulary on this matter. I think that they sound like a benign sort of hallucination.

However, I also think that if these thoughts are interpreted in a positive rather than a neutral/accepting light, the thoughts may form a positive feedback loop. Perhaps they might take the following form: This vision is real and a sign I am on the correct path. I can forego my medication because I am well. I now have more visions which are also real and a further sign of my well-being. I will make further changes to my life (e.g. moving away from family, leaving job), following the meaning of these visions.

If the feedback loop isn't coupled to physical reality, it may have a tendency to destabilize the conditions which originally led to the person's well-being, and therefore change the positive character of the visions after the person has compromised their stable situation in life.

Then again I might be completely wrong. I seem to have some thoughts in the form described above, so I thought I would share.

I don't think becoming a priest would be a step in the wrong direction.

As for the choice of a church or order to join / follow, I'm not Christian, and am quite aware of the controversies around the Catholic church, but I have a particularly high opinion of the Jesuit order. Their whole culture is built around improving oneself in wisdom and knowledge, and becoming a Jesuit priest is a long process that typically includes obtaining several university degrees in fields like philosophy and psychology.

What type of stimulants and at what dosage/duration? Were you exhibiting symptoms during your usage of them?

My curiosity more than figuring out whether these two visions were actually her is what your behavior pattern has been throughout the past and whether there are any noticeable cycles or repetitions.. When you were exhibiting symptoms how were they manifesting themselves and for what duration of time.

I understand all of this is highly personal so if you would rather not answer that’s no problem at all. I apologize if I’ve overstepped.

I was using relatively low doses of stimulants occasionally. Think 10-20 mg of Adderrall. I was mainly using it to treat my focus problems, but I view this as unhealthy because I was not using with doctor's supervision. However, I went on Strattera, which is a non-addictive ADHD medicine, and it killed my cravings for stimulants. I had a magical cactus trip which also reinvigorated me with love for life, and helped me quit. I do go through cycles of symptoms, but it hasn't happened much anymore. I would "miss" the mania and psychosis, and all the creativity that comes with it, forget about how much it sucks to go crazy, get carried away by the police, to the hospital, and how much it sucks to experience the depression that comes after. Psychedelics helped me realize that I was craving the instability that comes with mania and psychosis, and I was in no small way "addicted" to the manic euphoria. But I have since, after using psychedelics every once in a while, come to heal and thrive in stability, rather than instability, and I have learned to gather creativity in other ways.

I craved also the spiritual rush that came with the episodes, but I have learned to gain that from healthier means such as praying, meditating, and OCCASIONAL psychedelic use. I have learned so much about myself over the years, and like us all, I am still learning. Aside from the first episode, which was out of my control, I have only ever experienced an episode when I am willing. That may sound strange. But all of my episodes have been caused by me recklessly abandoning my meds without my doctor's supervision, and I have only ever willingly gone into mania or psychosis. I have completely separated myself from that will to "be crazy again" which is why I know I am better now. I just don't buy the idea that schizophrenia is a disease that you can only recover from if you are on medications for the rest of your life.

Does that explain more?

Funny you say that! The Jesuits were the order I was in training to join! They were so helpful and accepting of my being gay, and I am close to many Jesuit priests. But unfortunately, they are still Catholic, and I cannot go into the priesthood for a religion that I don't entirely agree with. I have problems with the way the Catholic Church treats gay people. I am looking into the Episcopal church, because they are basically Catholic (well, Anglo-Catholic) but more accepting and tolerant of gay people. They even allow women priests.



Yes, I need to be careful not to fall into a positive feedback loop. But it's not like I'm just hallucinating all the time and going crazy and stuff. I am a very functional person, I live a normal life, and I have not experienced ANY hallucinations since Mary came to me a couple of months ago.