I've been deeply contemplating and exploring the phenomena of alcohol consumption within our cultural context. Being Australian, binge culture is a particular behavioural trait that vividly paints the streets on weekends and crimes related to alcohol popping up on the News.

I find myself being particularly challenged within the dating world, whereby alcohol consumption (and other harder drugs such as cocaine) are used without any form of consideration about the impacts they have on the individual, as well as those they are surrounded by and the wider community. For example, those who choose to use cocaine, ignore the blood and suffering that has gone into the making of this chemical, thereby people remain bystanders to human suffering through engaging in this behaviour

It seems it is the impulsive nature and behaviour of individuals, that drives this very dangerous, potentially life ruining engagement with substance use and abuse. Ignorance is bliss I guess? And yet, I sit here, now removed from a culture that I choose not to engage in, struggling to find value and meaning within the abyss of this behaviour.

I ask for advice, for I am currently dating someone who engages in alcohol and cocaine use (as a leisurely activity on weekends), however, being someone who has removed myself from this culture, find myself feeling uncomfortable and at a loss.

Part of me feels guilt, for not being able to engage in getting "fucked up" and partying. I start to feel alone and seperate from my partner, as we're both on two very different 'wavelengths' when it comes to this kind of behaviour.
I don't really wish to compromise my values for a better, healthier and more adventurous life. Nor do I wish to ask for someone to be different.
How do you all feel about alcoholism, hedonism and the drug use and abuse, so ever present in culture?

Hey friend,

Good reflections you had on the matter. As someone who has always avoided alcohol (and drugs like coke) also coming from a culture that over indulges in those substances, I can really relate.

A few points to add to the discussion that ocurred to me while reading your post;

-A lot of our actions also have destructive consequences to the world/nature/society, so its important imo to keep this in mind and make conscious choices at all spheres of life (food consumption, consumption of technological goods, manufacturing packaging and shipping of various products etc), and not just drugs.

-At the same time, sometimes we gotta give people (and ourselves) a certain leeway... Is the person always overindulging in destructive habits, or is it a small part of a generally conscious healthy life? Nobody is perfect and as long as we dont cause too much harm upon others, I think we can also be understanding and forgiving

-That being said, given your particular case, id ask myself: if this person continues using in the same way forever, will this be a deal breaker for you? If so, i think you have to let them know, what are your requirements. Honesty is important, and will preveing being too invested in a sinking boat. If not, then maybe you have to learn how to accept it or within their use find ways to make it less troublesome at least for you (maybe avoiding them in such settings and suggesting other settings to go out to where such drug usage wont be incited)

-Can you find ways to help them out making it less damaging? For example deciding on maximum dosages/drinks beforehand, testing the coke with tlc or similar to detect and avoid dangerous adulterants, looking into extracting your own coke from coca leafs, looking into brewing your own or craft/artisan beer or drinks that have a richer history and make it more meaningful, etc or offer other alternatives like low dose mescaline for social setting, maybe he/she loves it instead

-Lastly, id just like to say that you can always find people to go out with that dont drink, while it is less common, there are for sure people out there like yourself who can enjoy in different ways without having to get drunk at a bar or nightclub and snort some lines. If it doesnt work out with the person you wanted, im sure you can make a pre-selection and find another who matches better in this sense.

Good luck!

Why struggle to find value where there is none? If people want to be degenerates then that is their business. Don't tie yourself up in knots worrying about their behaviour, stick to your own principles and values. The only exception is close friends and family, you try your best to guide them if you can, though sometimes there is nothing you can do for them unfortunately.



I guess it depends on context. At my age (30/M) I would have no time for a woman my age who engages in that lifestyle. Why would I settle for what is essentially a pile of garbage?



No. Tell that thought process to go fuck itself immediately. You should feel strong for daring to resist the herd my friend. Consensus behaviour of 'getting fucked up' is one of the most foolish trends in modern society.

Depreciating the value of yourself just to fit in is the philosophy of idiots.



I think you seem level headed about this; asking someone to change for you rarely works out. You could gamble on them weaning off the behaviour over time, or work to get them out of it (bad idea: emotionally draining/pointless).. the fact you ask the question though suggests you're fairly young? Life will teach you at some point that you can't rely on other people to change, to learn, to grow.. sometimes they will, sometimes they won't, but it is foolish to stake a gamble on it happening, especially when there's other potential partners out there and life is uncertain for all of us.

Don't waste your time or energy, is my honest advice. It hurts, being lonely sucks sometimes, but it's better than compromising yourself. You could stick it out and she gets pregnant by accident for example..



It's garbage. Masses of people lacking any sort of direction or purpose, unfulfilled and without peace of mind, not realising that they're causing more pain and suffering for themselves, and those around them who care about them.

I'm from the UK and it's been a minefield since I was a teenager. It still is. Luckily I made it through without much damage, choosing cannabis as my main vice until mid-twenties.. otherwise who would I be friends with? The ugly nerd who wants to burn the school down? Or the sober materialistic consumer type wankers who only drink and listen to garbage music, watch garbage TV and haven't had a non-government approved original idea in their god damn life.

I disagree with endlessness's advice about leeway of 'moderate use' in the context of relationships. Substances always interfere with a persons thinking ability. Do you really want to be in a relationship where the mask might slip at some point, or they break down? Or they realize they don't know what the hell they really want? If you're a guy and your date is female, then god help you

A fellow aussie here, so i hear your pain. Going to bars and clubs is probably not the best way to meet a good partner. Sure, there are A LOT of attractive people that congregate there, but chances are they will not be a good match. A lot of those types of people are total normies, with zero tolerance for psychedelia, even just weed. It's better to meet people where there are shared interests. Social clubs, universities, group lessons etc. And usually there is no alcohol consumption at those gatherings, so you can see what they're actually like. A shared interest is already a great conversation starter.

Don't feel guilt for not partying. It gets boring real quick. The fact that you can even verbalise your concern for not partying means that you're thinking deeply about it. Thinking deep and partying are on opposite sides of the spectrum. I'm the same. I go to a party, and i'm over it within an hour. Hedonism is overrated.

My advice is to leave her. She probably won't change, and she probably won't understand or care about your psychedelic enthusiasm. Better to end things quick before attachment levels get too high. On a related note, my mate and i were at a bar, and we were chatted up by 6 extremely attractive women. They spent a few hours with us, before parting ways. My mate got a number off one of them, and has been seeing her a bit, i think mainly for sex. She's way younger than him, and already telling him that she doesn't like him smoking ganja. He told me he's already feeling like in love, which is a bad sign. What he's feeling is lust, but under the illusion of love. And he admitted that he "falls in love" with women very VERY easily.

Concerning ignorance and alcohol spirits, that may become a huge disaster. And it diid *Yy voice*.

G'day,

You could fill a few volumes discussing the above.
I think it's great that have the ability to think outside the box, to question cultural and societal norms that are lapped up by the masses. The flip side is, it can be lonely.

Unfortunately partying and binge drinking is a rite of passage in late adolescence and early twenties in our country and many others. Most grow out of it. A minority, perhaps yourself, were never in to it. And a minority don't grow out of it.
Can you really blame someone, or look down upon someone for engaging in an activity that they find incredibly enjoyable, when they are at a stage of their life when they are, as yet, unable to appreciate the harms. All part of maturing.

With respect to your partner, a lot depends on their age and your age.
Will they grow out of it, never to return to it, as they have "gotten it out of their system"?
Will they increase their use until they are a homeless alcoholic?
Will you beak up now, meet a wonderful substance free person, only to watch them turn to daily heroin use in 5 years time when the chips are down?
You see what I'm getting at?

Do what you think is right. It's all a learning experience.

On a side note, it's annoying being around drunks, when your not drunk. And cocaine is the same.

I'm not sure what kind of attachment that you have to your partner, but if this is creating a division, then it's going to continue to drive a wedge between you.

Others have said a lot, so I won't add much aside from: If you come to see that she's not healthy for your lifestyle, and no compromises can be made, then closure is ok. It's harder done than said, but it can be done. We want to help those who have lifestyles that are unhealthy and different than ours, especially if we care about the person. That person has to want a change. If all options have been considered and there are going to be things that prevent you from being comfortable with her, then it is time for closure.

take care,
ACY

I’m not much for giving advice, because I don’t know what the best course of action for you would be. So I share what has worked for me.

I got into a relationship 4-5 years ago. Felt like it was meant to be. We connected and understood each other on a deep level. Wasn’t long before things got hairy. She’s been a hard alcoholic since her husband passed, and I’ve been crawling through a neurotic psychosis with the help and abuse of psychedelics and video games.

I go to aa meetings and alanon and that’s how we hooked up. We’re both very codependent. Jealousy, fear of losing each other. Thinking I would just want to die if she doesn’t make it through this 18th trip to the hospital brought on by her inability to stop drinking...withdrawals were bad, DTs, the works. Introduced her to cannabis and that seemed to help her see things differently.

I’ve had to learn the hard way that I can’t make decisions for her, and her condition, and mine, improves the more I stay out of her emotional/physical life. However, I could not get out of that mess until I was willing to see and change my own behaviors. One thing that helped tremendously was getting honest with her about how I felt about her behaviors and the way she acted towards me. It took a lot of courage that I couldn’t find alone, but thanks to recovery programs, a guiding spirit I pray to, and the pain getting bad enough, I didn’t want to live in the drama anymore, and after this everything began to change.

If you haven’t already, explain your situation with someone you trust that won’t judge you, perhaps even her if you can weather a possible storm. Eventually you will have to, and in your honesty you can be an inspiration for her to want to change her ways. But don’t have that expectation going into it, you must be prepared for any outcome. If it ends up you two splitting, then it is prolly best.

If you can’t do that, talk to trees, they are always listening. They were all I could trust for a long time..and the help I received was unexpected and immense.

Alcohol AND cocaine? That's ugly.

But is this truly hedonism? Is this pleasure?

As a recreational drug, i find them both inferior.
The both of them don't offer even half the recreational value cannabis has. Or, say, MDMA.

Especially in the context of dating. I would hardly call alcohol an aphrodisiac. Sex on alcohol is one of the stupidest things there is.

Sex on cannabis on the other hand....

Look, if you truly love someone, you have to accept her the way she is, including all her faults and weaknesses (although that doesn't mean you shouldn't try to stimulate eachother to grow as a person). If not, then basically you are nothing but friends with benefits...and then maybe even "sort of friends" with benefits.

Wich can be very nice, for sure. As long as you both agree that that's what it is.

Maybe you should take acid together. See what happens. Acid cured me from alcohol. It may do the same for her.

To me, talking everything out would be the best. Even if you end up breaking up, at least there won't be anything stomacking you on the afterglow.

If you can talk, you may also try to sing together. And if you can sing, you might just want to breath together. All is said in a few inhales and exhales, all chains are broken, revealed to be liquid ever flowing.

Acid cured me of cigs addiction because it made my brain all jelly and fluid. Music and breathing do the same. And as you don't need to use your hands, but only what is inside of you, your axis, it is the best for healing.

If someone is sad and they need to fill themselves to painful extent, why not just try to let emptiness fill them? That is the first love and all can experience it, from the day they are born to the day they die. It's the umbilical cord that unite us all and all the needs of the soul are fulfilled by it.

I hope you can help her and grow together, even if it means breaking up. Good vibes your way and good christmas to you (and you all Nexian <3 )

Your story is so relatable and comes often here.
Now only you can decide wether or' not you feel a gap and prefer to end the relation or not with your partner.

I did used quite a lot of alcohol, but at some point when using psychedlics very often, or having flood or breakthrough experiences or doing lot of kambo detox, I was naturally or willingly, using far less alcoholo, like maybe one crafted beer pint on weekend at max, sometimes, even bringing wine if being invited for dinner and the hosts asked me to bring wine and, I'd bring juice for them.
But I couldn'tr have fun at all anymore in "parties" where everyone but me would end up drunk.
As for the coke stimulant, well, it affects some poeple very differently.
But, you probaly feel very "alien" to this and for good reason.
it's a bit like food.
let's say you decide to eat only local and organic or sustainable and dress as such and your partner is more into junk food and fashion brands, or watch lots of TV while you're more into meditation, introspection and books.
You' ll end up thinking you do'nt have a lot in common, and your couple is too dissonant to be even sustainble.

Now you got to see how its going, if you take different path or are still quite complementary and learn from each other, with good proactive growth and reflection.

be well and take it easy.