Hi, i'm excited to join the DMT-Nexus, so i can learn, share experiences and continue my path towards a healthy, positive and productive existence.

I had experienced LSD when i was a teen and into my mid-twenties, but never took a dose that would cause an ego death experience.

I am now in my mid forties and have emerged from a 15 year cycle of depression and an escalating reliance on SSRI medications (like prozec), benzodiazapams (xanax) and opiates (hydrocodone). I was searching for something and consumed lots of scientific literature trying to find the answer. My belief system was in the practical, verifiable world of physics, chemistry and biology, never connecting with the 'spiritual' realm, never believing in a God, or an existence after this "life".
I work for a large corporation in an office of cubicles, i don't believe in my 'work mission.

Despite (or because of) a secure job, happy kids, a 23 year marriage and 15 years in therapy, an ever-increasing cocktail of prescription anti-depressants and anti-psychotics, i thought my life was basically a big bag of dicks.

I've found that nothing really helped changed my thought processes. My wife told me repeatedly; "It's all in how you process thought, it's your choice to be negative.", but it doesn't matter what one hears, or how true you know it to be, it's completely abstract and foreign when immersed in a cesspool of self-pity.

This negative attitude seemed like my destiny, until one phenomenal encounter with around 100mg of freebase DMT a few months ago. My approach was not ideal, as I had just got home after eating a huge meal and then i downed a few shots of lemon vodka.

Earlier that day i had considered killing myself and if my sister hadn't called me I may have finally gone through with it (but then again, i had pussied out so many times, that i likely would have never had the balls to do it).

So i sat there thinking, slightly buzzed with vodka, looking at about 1/4 gram of freebase DMT.... that my best friend had extracted and purified from MHRB. I had witnessed the extraction and had taken a small amount a week earlier. This primer did nothing to prepare me for what was to follow.

My wife was with me and after the kids were tucked in bed and i was full of 'dutch courage', i took about 1/2 the crystal and separated it into 2 piles. I said "fuck it, i need to see what's out there" and proceeded to heat the nail of my 'dab rig'. Once the dab rig glowed orange, i let it sit and cool down until it was just about right for the vaporization of dimethyltryptamine.

The first hit was about 30mg and i held it in for around 20 seconds, feeling the tingling in my jaw and throughout my body. I felt it coming, but knew this wouldn't take me all the way. I took the remainder (about 60-70mg) and dropped it into the rig and held it in for about 15-20 seconds again. My wife was shaking her head after i took that second hit and made a facial expression that said "Ohhh....fuck!, you will feel that".

Immediately i was pinned back into my chair, i muttered the words "oh shit" a couple of times and then told myself to relax and let go. However, the mere process of telling yourself to "relax and let go" interrupted the process, but i had to focus on breathing, which seemed increasingly labored as the seconds slowly ticked by. I remember seeing very little, fractal geometry was there, but i felt myself in a mode of sheer terror, as each breath i took seemed to indicate it was my last breath. I begin to hear two distinct high-pitched whining tones, one emanating from each side of my brain, i could hear my wife ask me "What do you see?" and followed up with "Can you talk?". I couldn't talk, i waved my hands to say, "Shhh!!!, you're putting me off", haha, it really did stop the process (or delay the inevitable). At 2mins and a few seconds the tones had become so high in pitch that it was hurting my head. And then my ears popped, no sounds, not even my breathing, it was total nothingness. I was totally not ME anymore, i was a speck of awareness in a sea of particles, i was disconnected from all that makes me, ME.

I remember seeing a wall of red and yellow diamonds, and i remember the panic and sheer terror i felt up until i no longer had fear, i no longer felt human.

What followed was more panic, more terror and sheer disbelief. The recording of this event shows me talking to entities, but my memory of what i witnessed is so cloudy, that trying to explain it seems like an exercise in ego-inflation. However, i can tell you i ended up going through fractal tunnels and emerging into a room with 4 or 5 beings. 3 or 4 of them were pure white and not really interested in me and my predicament. The one that really horrified me, was a massive shadowy entity that contained every negative emotion, every insecurity and every bad deed i had ever done. It towered over me and showed me how it stored all my craziness in one hideous web of hate.

I awoke from my trip a different person, with a new voice in my head. A voice of reason, of love and empathy. However, my initial reaction was to state; "THAT WAS FUCKING DEMONIC!" and swear off doing it (or anything) ever again.

That was 35+ DMT experiences ago, and despite having the occasional 'rough ride', i am much more inclined to relax and let go now, experiencing pure love, a crazy grinning cheshire cat, multi-headed fractal dragons, 50ft praying mantis looking things, trees that are sentient and so much more. My dreams can be so lucid after these experiences, including a scary encounter with a black panther.

I'm far from enlightened, far from perfect, but thankful for these experiences every second of every day. Now to get to work and help transform the world! LOVE LOVE LOVE!

I just posted the video footage on youtube of this first true DMT experience. For verification / educational and harm reduction purposes... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=21Du0l5FrdE

Thank you for providing a place to discuss DMT and other psychedelics.

Hey Brainbutter! Great handle btw!

Thank you for the wonderful introduction! I watched the video as well. We have similar backgrounds and everything you have stated is very relatable to me. It is really good to hear that this first experience with DMT snapped you out of the loop. Now you can see it for what it is.

Love is the answer!

Welcome to the Nexus! I very much look forward to any future contributions you make to this forum! We are lucky to have you here! I voted you up as I really think you will make a great addition to this community. Please feel free to PM me anytime for a conversation or check on chat from time to time.

Aww..thanks for your kind response DmnStr8. You are very kind!

I'm so thankful for finding this forum, getting an opportunity to read about others experiences and sharing mine.

Thanks also for watching that vid, i was (kind of) worried about posting it, so held off it's publication for a while. I don't want my experience and poor preparation to discourage anyone from trying the spice. haha, I always knew i was a "flight" person (in respect to the 'fight or flight' response).

I just read your trip reports from spice and psilocybin (and the little snippet on depression). I enjoyed your writing, flows beautifully, creating emotion and imagery! Yep, i feel ya on that depression (as well as on the trip reports, omg, psilocybin 4.5g and that time-dilation combined with 'come up' anxiety, took me a while to figure out that is all part of the process!) back to the depression thing.... it is impossible for someone who hasn't experienced that depressive process (of ruminating on dark thought loops, with the mind in a constant, unbreakable mode of self-deprecation). It's not that you don't have other thoughts, or an inability to remain logical, it's very odd, almost like you're disconnected from the world around you, in a private shit-storm of self-hate..at least in my case.

I am really enjoying my rebooted brain, this new voice of reason, self acceptance, empathy & love.

What's your theory on what is happening on a psychedelic journey? Are these mere delusions, inter-dimensional journeys or something else?

It's all a drama! Attachment. We attach to our pain as much as anything else in life. I feel like psychedelics can give us a glimpse behind the scenes of the drama. Each of us is a beautiful story! For me, it showed me to be ok in every moment. Pay attention to every moment. Be there. Watch it. Love it all, be content with it all, even the difficulties we experience.

Every lesson that I have learned from psychedelic, namely dmt, is translatable to life. Everything I have learned in life is translatable to a psychedelic experience.

I healed the core. Any problem has it's roots. I feel the the psychedelic experience can show us these roots. It is up to us to tend to the roots and heal them.

Inter-dimensional jounrneys? Maybe. Won't be able to pin that down. All I know is experience. What I have experienced in my life I give gratitude for no matter which dimension it occurs. That is what snapped me out of my loop.

Enjoy the drama!