It was about 6:00PM. I measured out 100 mg of harmine, and 50 mg of THH, dropped them in water (I know, I know, using coke or lemon juice next time.) I drank it. I measured out 100 mg of harmine again and 50 mg of THH again along with 150 mg of freebase DMT, I left these dry compounds in a glass and waited 30 minutes. Then I splashed some water in the glass and drank it. I had also set aside a lighter and the oil burner with 50 mg freebase DMT for later in case I wanted it. I left it inside a decorative piece I keep on my dining room table.
T + 0:00 - Well here we go. I sit back on my couch and put my feet on the coffee table. I put on a youtube video with some nice instrumental music on my TV, and start playing spotify music through the sound bar. I am fully clothed.
T + 0:05 - Very dreamy, and I hear explosions that sound like fireworks. I kneel before my window and pull the curtain away. There are indeed fireworks being set off for some kind of street festival occurring in my town. I find this ironic. I watch them from the window until they are over and come back to the couch.
T + 0:15 - I feel that I must eat something to speed up my stomach to get the experience going. I have nothing to eat in the fridge, just raw meat for cooking and other items that require preparation/cooking. I find a jar of pepperoncini peppers (the kind that Papa Johns put's in their pizza boxes, I love dicing them and putting them in omelettes.)
T + 0:16 - 1 Pepperoncini pepper. I become very aware at how bizarre my rational thinking has become. Everything is dreamy. Walking feels like swimming, but pleasantly so. I stand in my dining room looking at a piece of art I like quite a lot. As I focus on the center of it I notice extremely subtle flower like patterns on the walls. They are the same green color as my walls. As soon as I try to turn my focus from the center of the piece of art to the visuals on the walls they disappear. I then started to have a one way conversation with the drugs. I asked "Are you shy? I was shy for a long time, but now I'm not." The piece of art is an ocean with a horizon, and I can barely start to make out some kind of snout that turns into a wolf's head in some of the waves. I take some deep breaths. As I breath the whole wall and my whole world breathes and reverberates.
T + ??? - I am back on the couch, horizontal. I am vaguely aware that my spotify music is still playing. The youtube video on my TV has ended and autoplayed another video with instrumental music and a nice, nature-like picture. My mind starts to race, It's as if I got a glimpse of how big and vast my subconscious really is and just dove right in. I have no idea if my eyes are open or closed. It seems as if a binary construct such as that has been transcended entirely. It seems like I am my mind, and my mind is running around in a maze that is also a house. Every time I come to a place that I've already been before, I see several versions of myself looking at me, and they were very excited. They didn't communicate with language because I think we transcended that too. It was more like when they saw me in a place that I can see I had already been, they were excited to look at me and wave me on, they were twirling their fingers, or waving their whole arms in circles, almost to say "Keep going! Keep going!" - kind of like when people run marathons and their friends and family find a place to watch them and have an opportunity to cheer them on. This seems like a big metaphor for my life and the attitude I've had for the past few months. To summarize, that is to say that I've been focusing so much on the future, trying to get my career to where I want it to be, so I can have the life I want to have, and live where I want to live, that I had not been focusing on the present at all, and it's like my mind was trying to get me to be in the present, and I was on my way to getting to the present. After all, I was covering my bases in life, I was making sure I was completing steps towards accomplishing my goals, but I wasn't living. It's like they were trying to tell me "Hey, you're doing great, you've got that taken care of, now remember where you are, you're in the present, man! Live!"
T + ??? + 1:00 - I really hadn't been feeling like I was all that alive lately, or that anything was going on in my life recently, but that was all being swept away. This was beautiful. I found myself saying something that I would say on past trips when I didn't feel like articulating how awesome everything was - "Aw man, this is great." My mind was just imagining visuals, whatever I imagined, it was real, it was there. It was infinite. I sat up on the couch and imagined a good friend of mine. I looked at him and said "Man, I feel great right now," like he was just sitting right there. He shrugged and waved me on.
This is where everything went nuts - I thought pharmauasca would be relatively safe because I was under the assumption that I would just be lying down the whole time and experiencing a trip with closed eye visuals.
Narrator: This was not the case.
T + ??? + ???: Indescribable power. Untapped love, appreciation, conviction, resolve, emotion, bewilderment. All these things were flying, tumbling into me at the speed of something infinitely faster than light. This was divine, and it only got exponentially more intense. Throughout the next hour or two I vaguely remember glimpses of my real world surroundings, many of them back in my dining room, writhing around on the floor. I think that as we go through life it's easy to lose appreciation for things we see or experience all the time. For example, when I was a kid I loved snow. Snow meant days off from school, being outside with my friends, just playing around in it, whatever man. It was awesome. As an adult, snow sucks. You have to wake up earlier to wipe it off your car before work. Imagine if you could go back and see snow for the first time, jump in it for the first time, or build your first snowman again. Imagine if you could see the person you love the most for the first time once again. For me, these next two hours was like I was experiencing life for the first time all over again, and I could see it in all of it's unbelievable beauty. It blew me away. There was so much vibration, so much power, so much oomf. I could feel the oomf in my heart, in my bones, in my soul, and in every fiber of my being and consciousness. It overpowered me so forcefully that I could do nothing but fly around on my floor in my dining room and yell. It was so strong that I had to yell. I screamed with tears in my eyes "I AM ALIIIIIIIIIIVE. Oh my god I am so alive." There was so much of this yelling - lots of exploitives, insanity, lots of inarticulate phrases (Stephen King once wrote "Our greatest moments of triumph are always inarticulate" ) . But man, I was so alive. I had to shout it out. I now know why people chant on this stuff. I have a vague memory of being on top of my table, just yelling at the ceiling "I am SOOOO ALIVE, Oh my god I'm alive, I'm so happy to be alive, I will never not be alive." The forcefulness of the trip was incredible. Looking back, I'm glad that I was able to love it, because this could have easily gone horribly wrong if any negative connotations were present. I had epiphanies of my entire life leading up to this moment. Everything I've been through, every problem I've ever had to solve, every obstacle, every moment of feeling completely and utterly alone and lost in this world, every moment of feeling popular and happy, every moment of any kind of up or down, has amounted to this, will always amount to this - the present moment. In the present, I am just nothing but alive. I will never not be in the present again. I can do whatever I want with my present. I will always be alive. And oh how unbelievable that feels.
T + 4:30 - I come to on my dining room floor. I am suddenly aware that I am completely naked. It feels like I am born. Scratch that, I am forged. I look up at the piece of art that shows the ocean and the horizon on my wall. I look into the other room, and see that my smart TV has stopped playing youtube videos. At some point, my phone had become disconnected from my soundbar, because it lay a few feet from me.
In the Air Tonight by Phil Collins is flowing from it. I pick it up and see that it is 10:30 PM. I acknowledge that I am back inside of my body and take a look around. My clothes are up against the wall, a few chairs have been knocked over. My dining table has been pulled apart at the center just slightly so. It has leaves (sections) that can be put in that I have always left out of it. This must have happened while I was on top of it. I am scared but relieved nothing bad came from climbing on top of the table. I have rug burns all over my legs. I can see that I spent a long time on the carpet, completely naked, screaming about how alive I was. The oil burner with the freebase DMT had been knocked off the table. Specs of crystal clung all around the bulb, but I knew at least 90% of the stuff had gone with the wind and chaos. I am just glad it did not break and leave me with broken glass to deal with. I am sitting on the floor, smiling so wide, so happy for reasons I can't explain. I sit there drawing my knees up to my chest and wrapping my arms around them. I think, "Wow, I sure am alive huh?" It feels like I was outside of my body for a purely unimaginable amount of time. I think I loved that vacation, and loved being back from it even more. I knew right then, sitting there, it would be impossible to ever forget how I felt.
T + 5:00 I thought I was sober ever since I came back into my body, but looking back I was definitely still quite under the influence of the harmine and the THH for a long time. I didn't really feel sick at all, but it took a long time for my pupils to resemble anything smaller than planets. I slowly began to fade out of the influence of the substances I consumed and peacefully drifted off to a much needed rest.
I am alive.
"It was altruism, not violence or force, which associated our higher cortex. Our intent is to awaken that memory." - Indigo