Hello explorers.
I've been reading some stories on this website from time to time for a couple of years now whenever i was looking for some answers to several questions i had regarding different types of psychedelics. I have a huge passion for the human mind, both the positive side and the negative.

I first started experimenting with psychedelics (Psilocybin) when i was 18, at the time it was only for fun and not for growth or improvements of any kind. Later on, the only thing i ever used(and used excessively) was cannabis for a few years. It wasn't untill two years ago, when i was
22 i first discovered what i believe was an ''ego death'', induced by a huge amount of LSD.

I had only used LSD once prior to this experience (1 drop in a sugar cube). This time,
i was given a sugar cube that i was told had pretty much been soaked in LSD, so to be safe i only used half a cube. And i was in no way prepared for what was about to happen, it was more extreme than i could have ever imagined.

I had not read ANYTHING about what it could do to you in such huge doses, i expected the usual mid-level visuals and emotions i had seen in previous experiences.
My brain was completely hijacked, all i could do was try to breathe and stay focused on what was happening, after about 1 hour i went to the bathroom to wash my face and had a look in the mirror. I instantly knew, this wasn't me looking at the reflection, the train of thoughts were too unique, too ''not me''.

I was very lucky this ended up being an incredibly possitive experience, nothing bad happened, i was in a state of euphoria the following weeks, started reading a lot about psychedelics and spirituality. I was hooked and wanted to learn everything.

This was in autumn in 2016, so obviously i went out to look for Liberty Caps (very common in Norway at this time), i quickly learned how to spot it, i probably picked around 5g the first week, only limiting myself to 0,5g doses since this was the most poweful mushroom and i wanted to be careful, i was not careful enough.

One day i took 1,5g by myself and smoked weed with it, i had read you should be cautious when doing this, but many people seemed to do this without a problem and i had a love for weed, or rather an addiction to it, so i thought it wouldnt be a problem. This sent me into a living hell for the next six hours, my earlier experiences had
been so positive, so this level of fear and confusion was competely unexpected, i broke just about every rule there was to break. Mixed with weed, did it alone, fought against the drug for six consecutive hours etc, so yeah i had it coming, it was very traumatizing.

But i was in too much love with the spiritual and psychedelic world
to let it bother me too much at the time, i used it again with caution a week later, i was a little scared during this trip, nothing too bad but certainly not euphoric. I decided to put it on hold untill i felt completely comfortable with it again.

The following 6-7 weeks i had felt more anxious than usual, but i didn't think too much about it, i have always been sort of restless and nervous since i was very young. After 3 months had passed i was severely sleep deprived after having slept 2-3 hours a day for little over a week (i had quit smoking weed and cigarettes for personal reasons), this was while i was working full time in retail at christmas time.

I decided to smoke weed again just to get some sleep. The sleep deprivasion combined with work around a stressfull holiday sent me in
a state of dizziness and light visual hallucinations, after i added weed to this i felt really weird, not relaxed. It sort of reminded me of the 6 hours of hell i was having on the psilocybin a few months back. This turned in to my first ever panic attack.

This completely destroyed me for the next 4-5 months, i was pretty sure i was becoming schizophrenic or insane, even the slightest unusual visional obstruction like a squiggly line or tiny dots and sparks or a creaking sound would send me in to a paranoid train of thoughts and panic attack. I managed to eventually calm myself and even gain some confidence after a lot of reading about anxiety and kept it in check untill now. Speculating on what exactly caused this is a waste of time, it was probably a combination of many factors.

But recently i've focused on the mind and psychedelics again, instead of being extremely scared of ''going there''. My mental health is much better now than it was in the previous couple of years. I'll be going to my first psychiatric appointment tomorrow. I guess thats why i created an account here today, i greatly appreciate the integrity and research being done here, and i want to be a part of it, help others to not make the same mistakes i did. I dream of one day being able to try DMT, but as of now, im not ready for it.

Sorry for having written this so long and detailed, but it was very impulsive and i was extremely surprised of how much i was able to recollect about my history, so i didn't want to stop.

Now something less serious:
My hobbies are meditation, exercising and general life improvement.

I appreciate your detail and candor. I hope your psychiatric appointments are helpful.

For whatever it's worth: the only things that seem to control my cannabis induced panic attacks are strenuous exercise, or holding my face directly under the shower-head without heat (particularly in winter... the mammalian diving reflex is appreciable). High anxiety seems balanced and natural in these circumstances.

Thank you for the support and advice. Btw, lol @ the mammal reflex thing, cause thats the first thing i did during my first panic attack (put my face in the sink full of water to lower my heartbeat).

I've become quite used to the panic attacks to the point where they just seem like more of a nuisance instead of a terrifying experience, im hoping to get the same attitude with ''bad trips''. In my heart i dont believe they are to be feared, but at the same time, i do fear them. In other words i truly need guidance, in a lot of ways.

Hi fellow traveler. I believe you are doing quite okay and am sure the cosmic rays of love will in do time shine again on you and that you will flourish taller and brigther and more beautiful than before.

Interesting psychological readings that I recommend are;

*Claude Steiner's Scripts People Live
*Born to Win; Transactional Analysis with Gestalt Experiments.

A good reading also is Krishnamurti's Think On These Things

About the therapist...ask yourself, am I strong enough to find meaning in this life for myself and by myself?

Much love and respect! Peace

I'll make sure to check those out. As for the professional therapy; No, i don't need it, i want it. I already found meaning in life that is rock-solid, that i truly believe in. The therapy is just to learn different techniques i can apply to make things easier. I still got small problems such as sleep issues and brain fogs. It's not easy intergrating back into a normal life with years of stress screwing up your body physically.