Greetings Nexians!
I’ve been lurking for a long time (long before my first experience), and have posted/commented sporadically during my registered time here. Just thought I’d give a proper ‘Hello!’ before going any further.
TL;DR: Hey all 😊
If anyone is interested in reading further, apologies; this is a bit of a brain-fart. I thought I’d introduce myself, go though a bit of my previous life, drug use, DMT experiences so far, interests for future use and other miscellaneous stuff; Partly as a record for myself, too. I’ve split each section with a divider, like this:
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So that you can skip to any part that interests you.
PREVIOUS LIFE
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I’ve experienced sporadic bouts of (self diagnosed) depression for as long as I can remember. Even when I was a kid I was often a quiet, withdrawn one. I’ve got large gaps in my memory from my years up until around 13. During my later years (I’m in my early 30s now) I came very close to suicide, as I was just going numb emotionally and couldn’t see much point in going further. I’ve never owned much money, and living incredible experiences all the time (read; bungee jumping, extreme sports, lone traveling, etc) or even much of the time was a lifestyle that lay somewhat out of reach. I’ve never been particularly scared of death, but always curious. Recently (before DMT, however) I managed to work my way out of that hole, with the help of my brother and significant other, and no longer have suicidal thoughts. I’ve also been enjoying life quite a bit more. Not at the levels I’d hoped, but certainly not at death’s door. I attribute much of that change to the starting of my own company, and going vegan.
DRUG USE
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I first found drugs when I was 13. I joined a group of drug-takers in school, and we got pretty messed up over the following years. We were occasionally violent, and often absolute shits to people we didn’t know. I have a lot of regret over aspects of those years of my life. Initially I found cannabis in its myriad forms, then we moved onto speed, crack, coke, occasional heroin use, and lots of MDMA. I’m still surprised that that portion of my life ended by the time I was 16!
Later, (much later) I travelled to India with my best friend, who introduced me to LSD. I took a couple of tabs over that time, and while I enjoyed the experience, I found (find) the length of time spent tripping to be quite exhausting. I can’t say I really experienced any broadening of my mind (Which I’d been hoping for) or spiritual experiences, but my mindset wasn’t really in the right configuration for that yet.
DMT EXPERIENCES SO FAR
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Fast forward a few years – I’ve gone vegan, quit smoking, dabbled in practices like Qi Gong (unsuccessfully) travelled to some distant places alone, and spent some serious time working on myself. I’m still not as happy or complete as I’d hope to be at this point, but read on… 😊
I first heard about DMT in school. I forget where, but I read about a drug which, when consumed, called down an angel who would show you your past misdeeds, and the ways you were damaging yourself, and would ‘fix’ you. I suppose I’d read up on an ayahuasca ceremony. I later read about DMT as the ‘dream drug’. Having recently (successfully!) attempted lucid dreaming, I found the ideas I had about DMT very enticing.
While I’ll be doing my own extractions from now on (just researching teks at the moment, making my own magnetic stirrer, too!) for my first few experiences I bought 1g of freebase DMT. I had misread the amount required, apparently, thinking I’d ordered enough for 2 trips (should have read that as 20!) so I’m still working my way through this batch, one incredible experience at a time.
------------------at this point I’ll give a brief run-through of what I can remember (and have written down) of my last 7 experiences (up to the present moment). I’ll end with another set of dashes like this ------------------
Trip 1 ***THE FORGOTTEN TRIP***:
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AMOUNT: 50m FB DMT.
ADMINISTERED: via glass ‘crack’ pipe, over 3 hits
SETTING: bedroom, medium lighting, no music. Sage smudged 20 minutes previous, empty stomach aside from papaya consumed 30 minutes before.
MINDSET: Very nervous but determined. Mostly positive.
LESSON LEARNED: I feel I’m more aware of the 99% of the spectrum that me and my eyes can’t see.
MISC: My brother had gone first. He managed 3 hits, but they were poorly taken (first time using a pipe like this!). His eyes went wide, he looked disoriented but positive, leaned back, closed his eyes, and started making very spiritual, zen looking movements with his arms. He came back out but found it hard to explain where he’d been. He said it had been a positive experience overall.
TRIP: I took the pipe, and started hitting it. After the (equally poor) 2nd hit, I realised I’d let myself in for a mind-blowing experience and the enormity of what was about to happen sunk in. I took the 3rd hit.
Suddenly I started laughing uncontrollably, before completely passing out for 5 minutes! I woke up, and found myself still experiencing some incredible visuals. Everything was bathed in what I’d like to call my own, personal light (almost as though it’s been keyed to me, specifically. It feels very personal.) and the air seemed almost solid. I could see slices of it cutting through the room, all interconnected with strands of some sort of web or material.
Unfortunately, I couldn’t remember any of my time under, however experiencing this shift in perception was exhilarating! I could feel mental blocks moving in my head, and felt the beginnings of the broadened-mind I’d so desperately hoped for from LSD.
My brother and I spent that night and the following day feverishly discussing what had happened to us, and what might come next. I hoped very much that I’d remember the next time.
Trip 2 ***THE JESTERS***:
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AMOUNT: 50m FB DMT.
ADMINISTERED: via glass ‘crack’ pipe, over 3 hits
SETTING: bedroom, medium lighting, no music. Sage smudged 20 minutes previous. Had eaten less healthily that day… bread, veg-spread, oils etc.
MINDSET: Still nervous, but less-so, and still very determined. Mostly positive.
MISC: My brother was abstaining this time, as he wanted to process what happened in his experience some more.
LESSON LEARNED: I need to let go more, and laugh.
TRIP: By the 3rd toke I was out like a light. As soon as I entered the space (which later turned out to be what everyone calls ‘the waiting room’) I thought to myself “How the hell did I forget this place!” and found myself whizzing past so much of the colour and landscape that I’d forgotten from the first trip. I was overjoyed! It felt like the moment you become lucid in a dream.
After flying around for a while, I got shot into another place, made of pink and black squares, and huge cylinders (galaxy sized huge) spinning in impossible ways, folding inwards on each other. I became aware of 3 jesters, who had come out of the wall. They were covered in the same pink and black squares as everything else, and they were laughing at the cylinders (or me, maybe?) with this strange, metallic laugh. Back on earth, I think we’d find the noise rather frightening, but in there I only felt a mild degree of discomfort. One of the jesters was female (her head shape was upside down, compared to the 2 male jesters in there with me) and she seemed to be very disapproving of me. I could feel that she was imploring me to ‘let go’ to join them in laughing at the cylinders, and wouldn’t be happy unless I did. Unfortunately, due to this all being so new to me, I just couldn’t. I was worried I might permanently become on of them, or go crazy.
They seemed to sense my discomfort, and took me to a large, milky white room, which I can only describe as a huge recreation of my own eyelids, and we stayed there, safe, until I popped back out into this reality.
I wouldn’t say this was anything like a ‘bad’ trip, but it was a little stressful.
Over the next few days I found that I wished I’d let go, and laughed with them.
Trip 3 ***PURE BEAUTY*** (probably my most profound trip so far):
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AMOUNT: 25m FB DMT.
ADMINISTERED: via glass ‘crack’ pipe, over 2 hits
SETTING: bedroom, medium lighting, no music. Sage smudged 20 minutes previous. Fruit all day.
MINDSET: Nervous about meeting the jesters again, or being in the same, machine room, but ready for anything.
MISC: My brother was still abstaining, but was there as a trip sitter and observer. We hadn’t yet experienced a low dose.
LESSON LEARNED: There is beauty in absolutely everything, and ‘she’ is always trying to fill us with it.
TRIP: I took a poor toke, and experienced very low level visuals. After the 2nd toke however, I felt amazing! My arms, hands and legs started moving in sympathy with the huge waves of energy coursing through the room, and I felt euphoric. I was talking animatedly with my brother about how in-tune with everything I felt. He described my arm and hand movements as almost impossible, and very beautiful.
After a while, I lay back, and looked at the ceiling light. I then became very aware of a female presence in the room , and waves of warmth emanating from the light fitting (and everything else). After a while, I began to cry tears of joy. It had been a very long time of relative emotional numbness since I felt this kind of beauty, and this kind of joy at seeing it.
After 20-25 minutes, I was somehow still going (less so, of course) and asked my brother how long I’d been going for. When he told me, I cried for joy again, as I realised that this experience, and the gift it had given me (a renewed sense of wonder, and completely new sense of spirituality) was something that would stay with me for life (so far, so good!). Since that day, I’ve been far more present in everything I do, and have seen so much more beauty in everything; not just the trees, but the gaps of light between the leaves, for example.
Trip 4 ***ACCEPTANCE***:
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AMOUNT: 50m FB DMT.
ADMINISTERED: 2 huge hits, Via ‘The Machine’
SETTING: bedroom, low lighting, ‘Shiva Manas Puja’ by ‘Singers of the art of living’ playing. Sage smudged 20 minutes previous. Empty stomach.
MINDSET: Still nervous about the jester room, but very positive overall.
MISC: My brother had now gone back home to his hometown, I was alone and was trying out my homemade ‘machine’ for the first time.
LESSON LEARNED: There is something, or someone in the ‘waiting room’ who is looking after me.
TRIP: After 2 huge hits (thank goodness for ‘the machine’!) I shot though into the familiar space of the waiting room. I could barely hear the music, but it was colouring the entire experience in a very spiritual, warm light. At times, the room was absolutely huge, at others, I was right up against the ‘wall’ of this room, and a warm light floating around, but staying just out of view, lighting up the room in beautiful ways. I can’t really describe the feeling very well, but it felt almost like being under the covers with a friend as a kid, pretending we were in a tent, and exchanging stories and secrets. I felt very much as though I was being shown the waiting room by a good friend, who was explaining that the place was absolutely fine, and beautiful. ‘We’ spent some time there, appreciating the aesthetics, before I was gently brought back. I woke up with an almost orgasmic euphoria. My body tingled, I was on the edge of joyous tears again, and spent the remaining 10 or so minutes hugging my pillow and feeling wondrous.
Trip 5 ***THE BREAKTHOUGH!/THE GECKO!***:
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AMOUNT: 60mg FB DMT.
ADMINISTERED: 2 huge hits, Via ‘The Machine’
SETTING: SO's bedroom, low, natural lighting, ‘Balance’ by ‘Benjy Wertheimer’ playing. Sage and Palo Santo smudged 20 minutes previous. Empty stomach.
MINDSET: Fully positive, excited to travel again.
MISC: My SO tried DMT for the first time just before me. A very low dose, but had a good enough time to want to try again
LESSON LEARNED: There is life beyond the waiting room!
TRIP: After the 2nd toke, I lay back, and began making my usual hand and arm movements. They felt as though they were guiding me through the spaces to come.
I popped back into my usual waiting room, which now feels like a 2nd home, and hung out there for a while. After some time of being there with my waiting room friends (more have made themselves known to me) a really cute gecko-like creature came to collect me, and took me into her world/dimension. I emerged into what felt like a huge garden (turns out we were just really, really small) or rainforest, and we were running down a vine. My gecko companion was right behind me and had huge, earnest eyes, full of excitement and joy. Her tongue was wrapped around the very vine we were running down, and stretched as far as the vine did, apparently. We ran, and enjoyed ourselves, and she kept excitedly looking to my left, and intoning ‘Look! Look!’.
It took too long for me to realise that this experience is the greatest VR kit on earth, and that I could actually move my ‘head’ and look around.
In the meantime, we continued to run, and I marvelled at her huge, watery eyes. She was beautiful, and full of a feeling of excitement and wonder that I’d lost somewhere down the line. I could feel myself being filled with it too. Eventually, it became time for me to leave. While I wish I could have stayed running the vines with her for much, much longer, I was quite accepting of the fact I had to go, and so was she.
We both waved goodbye with our minds, and she put me on the path back to earth.
I can’t explain the next bit very well, but she put my into what feels like a old school, New York style elevator (you know, with the grill, where you can see the wall going up as you go down) and at each floor, I was shown a new, impossible texture, that made it ‘safe’ for my mind to return to earth. After about 5 floors, my eyes popped wide-open and I found myself staring at my hand, shaped in an almost prayer-like position. I found myself once again in an almost orgasmic body – euphoria, as I explained what had happened to my SO, and mentally wished the Gecko well on her journey.
Trip 6 ***THE SLAP***:
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AMOUNT: 60mg FB DMT.
ADMINISTERED: 3 huge hits, Via ‘The Machine’
SETTING: my bedroom, low, unnatural lighting, ‘Balance’ by ‘Benjy Wertheimer’ playing. Sage and Palo Santo smudged 20 minutes previous. Empty stomach.
MINDSET: Fully positive, excited to travel again.
MISC: This was the first time I’d partaken in relative low light. I also had my laptop on the table in front of me, displaying some ‘electric sheep’ visuals.
LESSON LEARNED: Be humble, don’t assume you’ve mastered this.
TRIP: after the 3rd hit, I found myself flying waaaay too fast through hyperspace. The waiting room I’d come to expect was nowhere to be seen. Instead I was being shown an infinite number of universes/dimensions, flying past like carriages on a train, or cells of a film reel. The information was too much to handle.
I was screaming ‘Stop! This is too much! Please stop!”. Instead of stopping, something seemingly possessed me, and snapped my head downwards (I heard a mechanical clicking, as though my neck were some sort or ancient, Aztec machinery) and I was shown even more universes, at an even faster rate than before.
At this point, I couldn’t figure out if I’d been tripping for centuries or just minutes. I was very, very scared I’d go insane.
I remember an entity joining me then, aggressive. Perhaps he was very insistent that I look at all this, that I see the power of DMT, and that I avoid taking it lightly for a while. I vaguely remember arguing with him, shouting that any more of this and I’d crack for good. I think he realised, but wasn’t happy that we had to stop.
He did, however, spit me out, violently, back into my bedroom. Only 2 minutes had gone by (judging by where I was in the music playing) and I was still tripping absolute balls.
The walls (in fact, all the surfaces) were gushing light. This ‘hyper-realism’ some people talk about seemed to be in full force. I was alternating between amazement at this part of the trip, and pure thankfulness I’d been allowed out of that space. As I clutched my duvet and chest, I closed my eyes.
Upon opening them, I looked at my hands, to realise they were the hands of an alien. The colour was a sort of mottled purple, and dusty. In my periphery my room had become a dark forest. My bed was covered in twigs, moss and snow, and the floor of my room was also covered in snow. This aspect of the trip was absolutely mind-blowing. I can only explain it as a memory of a perhaps ancient alien hunter, having just awoken from his own personal trip. Maybe we were intertwined briefly, across space and time. My brother suggested this may have been remembering a past life. This also feels as though it might be true.
As a side note, there was a moment during the main trip in which I may have had an OOBE… I can’t be sure as the memory is fading, and I can’t trust myself that I haven’t made this up in my mind.
Trip 7 ***IT’S OKAY, DUDE!***:
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AMOUNT: 30mg FB DMT.
ADMINISTERED: 2 hits, Via ‘The Machine’
SETTING: My bedroom, low, unnatural lighting No music. Sage and Palo Santo smudged 20 minutes previous. Empty stomach.
MINDSET: Hesitant, nervous, determined.
LESSON LEARNED: Enjoy yourself where you can, this is all a dream, and you can have some fun!
TRIP: After the 2nd hit, I found myself, once again, in my old, familiar waiting room. Phew! Each time I go back, more and more of the creatures in the make themselves known to me. This time there were loads! They were all enjoying swimming in an impossible, multicoloured lake, spitting ‘water’ at each other. The were all intoning ‘It’s okay man’ at me, just telling me to “look! Look!” at the playground we were in. I felt so much happiness to be there again. We were enjoying ourselves so much. It was great fun.
I woke rather quickly, but with a hugely enhanced imagination. When I closed my eyes, I was still experiencing visuals, but I was able to create (and fully enjoy) really cool/fun narratives to accompany them. I can’t remember them now, but I felt such comfort in my own childlike mind. It was exactly what I needed after the aggressive nature of the last trip. Each time I started running out of imagination juice, I hit The Machine for the dregs, and topped up the visuals some more.
This is the last of my experiences so far. I’m very excited to go again.
MY INTERESTS FOR FUTURE USE
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I’m very keen on making up some changa, and also very determined to make my own DMT.
I’d like to work on being more present in my trips, and being more observant. I’d like to have more of an awareness of what I’d like to get out of these experiences (although I’ve had rather a lot of luck so far with receiving benefit from each, including the neutral/negative experiences) and work on better integration.
MISCELLANIOUS/CONCLUSION
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My thoughts on DMT: So far, DMT has had an incredibly positive effect on my life. I have renewed wonder, my emotions feel stronger, but also more manageable, I feel calmer and more confident, and happier overall. I think this is largely down not only to DMT, but also, equally my integration of the experiences into my ‘normal’ life. I am no longer scared to go outside and live, and instead have a tingling feeling of potential for each day.
I think I was scared of going out and ‘living’ because the danger that it would be just average (for the rest of my life) was too much.
These experiences have given me the gift of a complete paradigm shift, in that I now see amazing life and energy in everything. I’m finding joy in clouds, in grass, in people, in silence, in food…. In myself.
It’s been a pleasure reading on all of your experiences, getting to know that you’re all out there, and enjoying that we’re all together in this, too.
If anyone is still reading this far, many thanks! I’d like also, to put this forward as an application for full membership.
I’m not sure how often I’ll post (read: more brain-farts incoming!) but I have a big interest in connecting with you all, sharing our experiences.
Peace to you all.
https://youtu.be/wU0PYcCsL6o The Dream of Life - Alan Watts