This experience report summarises a series of psychedelic experiences during a period of 2 years with an emphasis on DMT. The report refers to experiences with several psychedelics because of the common phenomenon I experienced with all of them.

PRE-CONDITIONS
(mind)Set: focused on healing
(physical condition) Set: good
Setting (location): home; blinds shut; coloured light (pink nation)
time of day: any
recent drug use: LSD, Mescaline, DOB, MDMA, Ayahuasca, Changa, DMT
last meal: usually sober

PARTICIPANT
Gender: transgender (bio male, trans female)
body weight: 75-80
known sensitivities: none
history of use: experienced

BIOASSAY
Substance(s): DMT, DMT/MDMA, Changa
Dose(s): 30-70mg, 45/150mg, up to 70mg
Method of administration: DMT vaporized, MDMA dissolved, Changa smoked

REPORT
I've been doing DMT and Changa seriously for almost oneahalf years now. First toke, using a cut PET bottle with alfoil, was pretty exactly two years ago. Before doing DMT on a frequent basis I experienced Ayahuasca journeys. Meanwhile I've vaped DMT and smoked Changa way more than 100 times. I'd guess it would be 130-150 times by now. I stopped counting at about flight no 75.

My major achievement using DMT is a psychotherapeutical one. Maybe I should mention that nowadays I'm doing psychedelics mainly in a spiritual and therapeutical sense, for healing purposes. 20+ years ago, when I was a classical 420 lad also using LSD frequently every 1-2 months, it was more of an experiment powered by curiosity and scientific interest.

I fucked up 10 years ago. Or maybe I got fucked up. On one side this is a legal question. On the other hand psychiatry considers it narcissistic if I blame others for fucking up. Unfortunately, I was trained in psychiatric nursing approx 20 years ago, so I am my own worst nemesis... Let's leave it at this: I fucked up about 10 years ago. Climax was 5 years ago when I ended up in a hostel run by the Salvation Army after my flat burned down. My advantage there was that I'm non-alcoholic, so the Salvation Army guys really liked me. That said, you can fuck up without addictions to alcohol or drugs. Then 2 1/2 years ago I took up psychedelics again. First, I had intended to do so at some point in my life eversince I stopped psychedelics and hemp about 20 years ago. Second, after fucking up now I needed to pull myself out of shit, wanted to get myself a life again. In the course of this psychedelics reuptake that, pulling myself out of shit, magically worked out. Psychedelics done right is medicine.

Now in the course of the psychedelic introspection of my fucked up life soon a side path opened. I experienced myself in another gender identity than the one given biologically. Once. Twice. Trice. I just took notice of the phenomenon. I know eversince that for a biological man I have some very feminine characteristics. That's nothing new to me. Yet I never considered myself "transgender", nor did I ever do any research on "transgenderism". I just accepted myself as I am. I considered some folks just dull and ignorant, the ones who expressed problems with my rather feminine characteristics that is, but also met enough people who left positive feedback about it.

Though it seems perfectly reasonable that psychedelics reveal your true inner self. It's your true inner self that is exposed to psychedelic experience. Whatever has been conditioned onto your self goes into background while under psychedelics influence.

Since I was focused on other life problems (the issues I considered to be the problems I need to solve), in the beginning I did not understand the meaning of experiencing myself as a female. It happened on three out of eight Ayahuasca journeys. The other five were entirely different experiences. It happened on several LSD trips. It happened on all of my two Mescaline experiences. It happened on DOB. And, in its very own modality, it happened on DMT. From the beginning. The entities from the spirit world confronted me that I am female.
This self experience happened on every psychedelic substance I know. The best is, it felt extremely pleasant. It felt right. And, as said above, being more female than male in various aspects of my life and personality, wasn't exactly new to me. Especially it wasn't a problem to me. I just ignored it throughout my life. Still, experiencing my femininity assisted with psychedelics opened a part of myself to my awareness. It had one great psychotherapeutical effect. I've stopped suppression of my female side. I've accepted it as very real. Subsequently, I have understood (and accepted) that, by definition, I have been transgender throughout my life, only I managed to hide it from everybody, almost (some folks addressed me as "Miss" anyway ). It's like you live your life, aware that you're pretty female in many ways, receiving respective feedback from time to time, but you're not aware of the exact degree of femininity and that, by definition, this degree corresponds to a trans personality. Psychedelics helped me to understand this because they let me experience my inner self. The trans awareness and identity is persistent. I've abstained psychedelics for a while now because I need to integrate this revelation, translate it to my life (💄. The trans awareness and identity has been persistent during this abstinence. And I am happy about it.

Theoretically you could suggest that "true healing" would help to adapt the inner gender to biological sex. I have another opinion. Becoming aware, really aware, that I am transgender, was the best healing that could have happened to me. Of course, the psychosocial situation of trans people is very difficult in our society. Still, suppressing transidentity any longer would be even more devastating. And that's where psychedelics did a truly great job for me. I'm happy about myself.

Now for deemster. Y'all now deemster world, yeah? I love it. I really love it. Deemster did a very special job in this psychedelic "full spectrum analysis" of my personality that revealed that I am transgender. A very special job. If you know the special psychedelic flavour of DMT compared to other psychedelics, you maybe can imagine how the brothers and sisters from deemster world told me blunt that I'm a girl... it was oh so lovely...

If I hadn't had enough evidence for having some very female characteristics, evidence I ignored before, I would have considered the phenomenon simply a hallucinogenic effect typical for psychedelics. But psychedelics really are about getting in touch with your inner self, right? And it seems perfectly sensible to me that a trans person would experience her / his true gender during a psychedelic introspection.
If it had happened only once or twice or so in the past two years I might not even have noted it. But it became the dominant subject of my psychedelic work. Finally, it just popped up everytime. And I liked it. I really did. And I managed to verify it. There were a lot of other signs, too, besides the psychedelic experience, that removed last doubts. This gender reality now also explains plausibly just almost every aspect of my fucking up.

I've now started to do deemster sometimes specifically to experience myself as female. Gender expression and role are very important, it's the way to experience inner gender. It's like oxygen. A total necessity.
In theory this could be a medical application for DMT, assisting gender congruent self experience for trans people. In my experience, though, the general requirements to handle DMT therapeutically and safely are very high. The patients have to be able to handle the sometimes bizarre, difficult, overwhelming experiences, translate them into their life, integrate them. Set and setting are extremely key to therapeutically constructive experiences with DMT, I think more than for any other psychedelic substance.

I almost forgot my question...

I was wondering whether other psychedelics users experience gender shifts during trips (e.g. a biological man experiencing, feeling himself vividly as a woman, and vice versa) or whether this type of experience is specific for trans people.
In my case this happened regularly, not exceptionally, and on a broad spectrum of psychedelics, as I've stated in the report. I really like it. I haven't found any similar reports so far, though. Not even a report about an exceptional gender shift experience.

At some point I asked myself whether I missed out something, whether this type of trip experience was just so elementary and everyone experienced it all the time, there's no need to actually mention it, unless you're sort of "retard" not getting the point of psychedelics. Of course, I find this idea pretty paranoid and figured it's unrealistic, but I have to mention it...

So, anybody had similar experiences? Once, twice, exceptionally, or frequently, often? And as cis- or as transgender person? Please drop a note if you have had such experiences, thank you, I'd highly appreciate it.

I have, during dreaming. I'm 100% straight female in waking life, but 3-4 times in my dreams I've been attracted to females and it felt natural. But the feeling quickly dissolved when I woke up.

I hope you can find the validation you are seeking.

Good luck!

Thank you for sharing, the lines quoted above really spoke to me. Well said.

It sounds like you have had quite a journey, but don't be so quick to say you fucked up. Every decision has led you to this outcome you have enjoyed. A burning flat can be as much a stepping stone to something better as it can be a disaster.

I don't know your full story, but the worst times are always full of the most profound lessons and growth. Take some solace in the fact you're doing well now and have overcome some real trials in your time. All the best and godspeed.

It appears that originally your reply also referred to endogenous, autosuggestive influences on DMT experiences (the influence of the set), if I remember correctly. I intended to reply. Then, before I could reply, suddenly the respective section of your statement was gone (I don't know why it has been deleted or by whom, and it is not of relevance to me). Although I can't quote it, I still would like to reply. I think you wanted to say that on a DMT trip our experiences are influenced by what our mind is set on, maybe suggesting that, in the first place, my trans DMT experiences were caused by a (conscious) focus on trans issues and identity.

First, in my experience, DMT is not a request show. It can be, exceptionally. I have had DMT sessions where I experienced pretty much what I desired. Especially in the context my post is about, I had a phase of sessions that allowed me to experience what I desired to experience. I mentioned this in the post. I'm really, really very grateful for these experiences, I have to say.
In most cases, though, I would describe DMT experiences rather as imposed than as requested. It's really hard to put it in words. They're always suitable. Adequate. Influenced by set and setting (I do believe that set and setting have a much greater influence on DMT experiences than they have with any other psychedelic substance I know). Often they are very pleasant. Most of my DMT experiences actually were very, very pleasant. They serve me right, maybe?
It does make sense to prepare yourself conscientiously for Ayahuasca journeys and DMT vaping sessions (especially high dose vaping sessions). Maybe meditate for preparation. Maybe enjoy some days or even weeks of "pre-flight" meditation for peparation? And focus on whatever is up in your life. But generally DMT is not a request show DMT isn't a TV you zap from channel to channel. And this makes perfectly sense. If Ayahuasca and DMT always allowed me the experiences I desire, they'd be more addictive than any known addictive drug... We all would be there 24/7 and we all know how, in the Western world, that would affect everyday life integration...

Second, I would like to make the point that, as stated in my post, I wasn't focused on trans issues whatsoever. Neither in life nor preparing trips and journeys. I was absorbed by (solving) problems. So, after getting back to psychedelics a few years ago I felt that I can, should and actually need to systematically work with psychedelics to help overcome these problems in life I had at the time (psychedelics done right is medicine). Using another expression in the post, I summarised these problems as messing up.
For centuries Ayahuasca has been known and used by native Americans for healing. I had been instructed to be as clear and specific as possible about what I want to work on when embarking on an Ayahuasca journey. You really need to be more specific than just wishing "a better life". So, I identified actual conditions to overcome and defined desired conditions to achieve. Conditions in question were social circumstances, habits, behaviour and and the like.
Preparing my journeys, I took notes on paper (they're archived in my therapy folder now) or in my mind only. Never ever did I (consciously) bring up trans or trans related issues as a subject, at that stage. It wasn't even a subject or problem in my everyday life. Since I was absorbed by (solving) the problems I considered "messing up", there was little time to spend on other topics anyway. Helping me develop a full awareness of transfemine identity was mother Aya's response to my request. Slowly. Gently. At first there were fragments only. Bit for bit. Step by step. Mother Aya took my hand, so to speak, and slowly, gently led me to the mirror. She taught me, step by step, to understand and handle the cause of the symptoms I had presented and seeked to heal.

Summary:
I was trying to get some problems sorted, embarking on Ayahuasca journeys (and vaping DMT, too), besides occasionally using LSD, Mescaline and DOB. Trans was not on my mind at all at that stage. At first, on the Ayahuasca journeys, I was confronted with tiny fragments of trans. There was a lot of other stuff going on on these journeys, though, mind you. And dying, too. The other world. And then there were these tiny fragments of trans, here one, there one, briefly. Bit for bit. Step by step. Mother Aya and the entities made trans a subject of contemplation on my journeys, slowly, gently. And I liked it.
On my journeys, over a time of 2 years, all these fragments slowly formed an entire picture, mirroring me. Mind you, again, there's one thing you'll always recognize, anywhere, anytime: your self, your very own self. Finally, though, it was me and only me who integrated the insights I had won on my journeys, together with insights I had had earlier on in life, and together with insights from nightly dreams.
Last not least, the validation I was apparently seeking, I have found it in the hormone replacement therapy (HRT) I'm on since quite a while now, supervised by official health care providers. Its psychological effects on my life experience are lovely. Life has become really beautiful. My life and self-experience should have been like this all the time. Validation enough? Yeah, I'm feeling really good now. That's the way to be. That's my way to continue life.

Handel, thank you for sharing this.

Being attracted to females in dreams, as a 100% straight female in waking life, doesn't necessarily resemble a symptom of trans identity. To me it appears to be primarily a sign of lesbian attraction. Fascinating! I think it might be very interesting for you, and enlightening, to explore this phenomenon. Maybe using DMT?

I did dream of myself as a woman very, very vividly some time before the phenomenon of my transfemininity (a woman stuck in a male physical body) was explored on DMT as described in my post. That dream was extremely empowering. Do you think that dream was enough to lead to respective psychedelic experiences months later? Or might that dream have had the same cause as the psychedelic trans experiences?

I cannot recall any dream of me being attracted by males (I was perfectly straight until... a while ago, things are changing). There have hardly been any men in my dreams, actually. Even now, since I dream myself as a women permanently, I'm usually on the move with other women.

Thank you for your nice words.

The burning flat was a stepping stone. It started a new chapter in life. It got me... out of... I wouldn't say "hell"... but out of... a bad place maybe, out of a dead end. It was a good starting point from which the future looked bright again (it still looks bright). I'm doing well now, indeed.

It looks that way, but it's not. If anything, I feel more like a gay man trapped into a woman's body, than a lesbian. The lesbian feeling only felt natural in an altered state of consciousness during dreaming and only in a handful of cases.



I've seen myself as another woman, a man, a child, even a snake; during dreaming. That doesn't mean that these entities were me. In fact, I have come to understand that many dreams are VR simulations, put together by entities, and often we're "placed in the shoes" of a character that we're supposed to witness and learn from. So don't take everything literally out of such experiences, sometimes it's not our subconscious telling us to change, but simply, a lesson.

This is funny. I felt like "a lesbian woman stuck in a male body" for years. It's more than two decades that I thought this the first time. Though I always found it sounded a little like a chauvinist bar-room cliché. Therefore I kept this to myself.

Of course there is no ultimate proof, yet, in my opinion, every human has homosexual capabilities that might only be evoked in very rare occasions. These capabilities might be suppressed for social conformity purposes (in backward homophobic communities) and/or due to suppressive conditioning during childhood and adolescence.
In my dreams I experience tremendous freedom. Suppressive conditioning has no power over me in my dreams. In regard of my own experience I could hypothetise that you're experienceing one of your natural capabilities in your very own safe space that allows you to be really free, your dreams. Whether to take it up and out from there into waking reality, is entirely up to you.



This is entirely different from my dreaming experiences. I've always, always been myself. I'm always myself in my dreams. Me and only me. Sometimes I have capabilities I don't have in waking reality. Sometimes I did things I wouldn't do in waking reality, e.g. I once dreamed myself as a police sniper in a territory infested by cartels. Yet, even then I still experienced myself as myself. I was my character, not a hero. It was my entity deciding and defining HOW I deal with the situations the dream (or VR, to put it in your term) created. In that territory of criminal cartels I ended up hiding behind bushes, waiting for my target to disappear again. I was afraid the guy would see me and kill me if I attempted to aim (and thereby give up my cover). That's me, a scary cat in certain situations. Clinging to life (you can do the math's yourself on what that meant e.g. for dying situations I've been through on Ayahuasca journeys, the dramas they were for me because I want to live). I was placed in the shoes of a character, a police sniper. Yet it was me, authentically me, interpreting that imposed role.

We could discuss the interpretation of dreams. Here I believe more in personal intuition than in apparantly "scientific" uniformist formulas western psychology would like to prescribe for everyone alike and, especially, use to control how people think about their dreams. C. G. Jung for instance developed his theories about it.
I think that native peoples closely connected with nature also experience a much closer relationship with their dreams than western people do. They don't need to read books about it. On the contrary, western people don't dream. They watch TV and drink alcohol in the evenings. Then they go to sleep and can't remember any dreams in the morning. They wouldn't have time to remember their dreams, anyway. They have to read newspapers, listen to radio shows and hit parade songs while communting. They need to get "briefed" for the day in the morning. There's no time left in life to share dreams with family members, is there? If you want to speak about your dreams, you might be considered a nut case who needs psychological assistance, right? At least you don't discuss dreams at work, right? You don't discuss dreams in a competitive world, right? Dreams are to intimate to discuss, right? Western culture, right?
Well anyway, so much for all the "scientific" methods for the interpretation of dreams commercially available in western civilisation.

You (partially) quoted my statement that I did dream of myself as a woman very, very vividly some time before the phenomenon of my transfemininity was explored on DMT, as described in my post. Maybe I should add that gender or sex have not been subject to my dreams before. Of course I had dreams of sexual play and intercourse before, but they showed no reference to gender or gender identity. The dream I mentioned, though, focused physical appearance or sex. Was that really me? I didn't go into details of the dream (and I won't due to the DMT-Nexus attitude that bans statements by which I could be tracked in real life). As explained above with the example of being a police sniper, in my dreams I ALWAYS authentically behave in my roles as myself, according to my personality, whatever that role may be. So rest assured that, even in my dream, I scrutinised, really scrutinised whether I am I or not when I saw myself as a woman (with a female physical body) in that [...] mirror. Scrutinised in the dream that is. And the really nice thing was... it was me.

also a trans nexian here!

this is dope that were able to share thoughts about this. I remember knowing I was trans from a young age like looking into hrt as a kid and everything. finally started now been hormonally transitioning for a year now.

honestly transitioning itself is like a psychedelic experience because you get to see the vast differences and extreme similarities and understand gender I think in a way that no cis person will ever understand. there are unspoken energetic aspects to transition that help you pass among other women and layers of gender that are so surprising. and understanding the ways in which we are truly the same at our root.

Ive had experiences where the euphoria of my gender expression and experience was important altho to be honest most of my experiences have been totally focused on the extensiveness of the mystery of hyperspace and reality itself. the infinite potential of imagination. the healing and cosmic laughter that shows how safe we are in all of our vulnerability. my last experience was very heavy on the experience of identifying with being a human being most in my brain altho the hormones are giving me a female body and i want to be a woman I still acknowledge the blurryness of gender and the fact that it was imagined in the first place. it was like a form of freedom from my anxiety over transition.

Ive always been both and crossdressed. princess jellyfish was my icon. It was when the puberty really started to hit that I made the choice to flip my hormones. honestly super trippy to watch yourself transform. I feel like Ive never really asked the spirits or beings anything about my transition but honestly I think I will ask soon.

made a wish a year ago when I started hormones that I could be fully passing my my birthday and it was my 23rd bday recently and I got to go to the spa as a woman for the first time. I went with my grandma and partner at the time and it was the most affirmed ive ever felt. also the spas were totally diffrent in both vibe bath temp (and even tiling???). it was such a trip to finally become invisible in the spa because before it was like being the only woman in the mens spa which made the experience as a whole very horrible at times..

also just understanding on that deeper lower level I think women tend to understand better has been a super trippy energy shift. I think its like how moms just know things and know how to communicate a little better at least stereotypically better than dads do. idk how to describe this part of transition because its very subtle and energetic but felt and I think that its pretty cool. still I feel like a baby at understanding gender like everyone is.

def look into dee atoms she's a trans Dr working at the psychedelic research institute at Hopkins.

heres a link to her talk

Trans nexian here! im so happy youve found your way!


thank you for sharing your experience! I know it takes a lot of mental emotional labor to do so, sometimes. Its appreciated alot <3

This made me really happy for you! While it's not something i've experienced myself, i can imagine how wrong it must have felt before.

I learned about the importance of "passing" one night at Spider club in Zürich, 20 years ago. There were two thai trans women, and one of them asked if i thought they were ladies. I said one yes, one no, and i'm afraid that broke her heart a little bit. If she reads this, i'm truly sorry. I had no idea, certainly wasn't trying to be mean.



I don't think it happened for me during any trip (although there's some i barely remember). I did have a dream one time, around age 11, where i swapped body with the girl i had a crush on. I remember driving around on a bicycle and exploring my new body parts with my hands, it was quite the experience. It felt just as right as my normal body to me, no more no less.

I'm like 99.5% cis and 97% hetero. Of course i used to have many insecurities about my body, as i think all kids/youths do, but i never felt like it's the wrong body. I'm a hairy dude of solid build, in middle age and a bit chubby. On the emotional side, i think i'm only 60-75% male, if there's 2 poles. Or maybe 35% masculine, 50% neutral, 15% feminine. Something like that. For the past decade or so, i've been celibate and solo, and mostly happy about it. It's not often anymore that i feel romantic attraction.

I have had a similar journey... I always wanted to be a girl, even when I was 3, or probably even earlier. In school I always hung out with girls, with them I could feel myself a part of the group. But then things changed, I was sent to a boys only school from 3rd grade onwards, and from then on, my life turned to shit! I never had any friends, I was always distant, I got bullied throughout my school life. I come from a place where gender segregation is crazy! in the end, I was alienated from both, boys and girls. I spent years in complete isolation... the only thing which kept me going was music, but my perception of music was still very limited, far more mental than physical.

And then I tried acid for the first time! something woke up within me, I started snapping my fingers, feeling the music deep within my body, I started to move, to shake my hips a bit, I felt awkward, strange, I had never danced, I didn't know how to move. Then I had a few more experiences, which were partly good, partly bad. My depression got worse because I could no longer remain numb as I used to be. My pain became visible to me, things started to hurt! Finally, I had a really difficult experience with acid. I was with a few female friends from my uni and a few other people, and I had the worst gender dysphoria ever. I used to have long hair, but my parents forced me to cut them off and I hated it, and then I was like fuck it, I will just grow a beard. I hated my beard so much during that trip, I felt ugly, I looked at myself in the mirror and felt so ugly. My friend asked me if I needed a hug, I said yes, she hugged me, but it was the most uncomfortable hug ever. I wanted to crawl out of my body, I wanted to be like her, I found her so beautiful...

After that, I felt dead... I couldn't speak, my mind went blank, I stayed in bed for a whole week, didn't see anyone, didn't talk to anyone. It took me a while to get back on my feet. A few months later I tried MDMA for the first time, once again I danced, and I danced like a woman. But still... the woman inside my was locked away behind so much trauma.... and then finally, my first DMT experience...

DMT showed me, so fucking clearly, what I had been shying away from. I had multiple experiences where I was a woman, as real as I can ever be. And it changed me... I couldn't stop being a woman once the experience was over. Of course it would change, it still does! I have days when I am very feminine, then there are days where I am... just something! but embracing that side has changed things so much. I love the woman inside me so much... I feel the most beautiful when I am her. DMT has changed the way I experience all the other psychedelics. I become more feminine no matter what I take... weed used to make me feel horrible and paranoid, now I just become all sassy and flowy... DMT taught me how to dance, how to feel music in the very depths of my soul... it showed me what beauty is, it filled my heart with love and made me weep and cry...

My journey is far from over, one day I might transition, may be! but I am very lucky to have found someone who truly accepts and loves me for who I am, I am thankful to her for helping me discover and accept myself, for falling in love with the woman in me...