I do not write from ego.

Such is the truth, I am hesitant to write this at all.

I feel however, it is necessary for my journey.

All my adult life I have seeked 'conscious experiences'. My favourites always being psychedelics, especially mushrooms. I always felt at home with them. The more I took, the more everything made sense. Even though my intentions then, were entirely recreational.

Friends couldn't keep up with my high doses often because they felt at their limit, but to me that was the problem; they hadn't taken enough to get to the other side of the chaos. Everything about me functioned better high.

This lifestyle didn't come without cracks appearing though and eventually I took it too far with synthetics. Nature always knows best. I calmed, settled down, started my family.

Before the start of the end though my interest in DMT began and I experienced terrifying ego death, but also fell into a role of sitter and guide for others and a path of spirituality and enlightenment followed.

This lead to my girlfriend, love, connection to nature, my family, veganism, deep respect for creation, sustainable living and a desire to heal. I changed career from computer programmer to carpenter. My girlfriend would call me an old soul.

Through all my experience though, I had many failed aya/pharmahuacsa attempts. Recently time has arrived to reinvest my interest for personal development with what I see as a wise consciousness.

Last week my journey began...

I started the morning with a fruit smoothie and then fasted until kids asleep around 7pm. My girlfriend sitting for me. I had some saved vaped weed that I mixed in a glass of water and drank to settle my nerves; it's been almost a decade. I then had 2g Liberty caps we picked last year for micro dosing about half hour later, as I thought it would help ease me in, and it did. An hour later I took 225mg caapi alkaloids and 80mg DMT 30 minutes later, both in lemon water.

I went in with a question regarding our daughter. She is an intense but amazingly astute and kind soul, but we struggle to provide her with whatever it is she needs, especially my girlfriend as we homeschool. She thrives on people, interaction, incredibly emotional. Toys, films, games do not interest her. Our bond is strong. In Chinese zodiac I am a dragon and she is a snake if you understand such philosophies. In our zodiac I am Gemini and she a Leo too.

Our son on the other hand is, of course, amazing to us, but really he's just your bog standard kid. He's easy. Our daughter is different. Learns without practicing, amazing speech, grasps concepts like that.

So, the pharma. The shrooms are going strong and remind me of the fun I had in my teenage years but I knew when the pharma kicked it. There was a definite presence and I felt cold. I had two jumpers on, log burner blazing, heating on full. I still had to get my girlfriend to tuck me in tight with a duvet to the sofa. She was worried for me. I was now hot. Real hot, but more heat wouldn't have gone a miss.

This pharma presence was predominant. I asked about our daughter. Not now was the reply.

Visually it was all the usual geometric stuff but all in all it wasn't important. Instead I became like a channel of information for us as a family. Like the Vine spoke through me.

I am apprehensive so say this but the message, which came with imagery and I was like a conducit that translated it. It was intensely emotional. Tears and tears. Even writing now, 2 weeks later brings it back. I won't go into detail but the message was, and we aren't the only ones, but our daughter is fragile. Immensely fragile and we made a choice to come here and take on a task. More than a task, our soul purpose almost, is to nourish her like a seed that needs a very specific environment to flourish fully and if we succeed there is like a genetic code in her that will literally propel a new species of humanity. Like a giant evolutionary leap beyond anything we grasp of what we think is possible of reality. But there are these 'seed kids' all over the planet, that can grow like mycelium, a fractal network that has potential to change the mass consciousness of the planet, the solar system. It was galactic!

And we chose to take it on. Suck it up!! That was it. You sacrifice everything for this. We are struggling for other reasons too that aren't important, but we were hoping for help or advice/guidance. No! Tough shit! This is what you do and you need to do it better. And then this wave of pure love and a message that was overwhelming in belief that we will do it! It knew we would do it. It was so strong I couldn't get the words out for ages through the tears. In fact the whole trip I would decibel the Vine as just 'IT KNOWS!'. Then to top it off it showed my true self to me. Where I, where we ALL come from; a beaming gold light of pure love and divinity. I don't like this word but it's the only word that come close, but we are all angels. Magnificently beautiful made of pure love Angels. And we've just wrapped ourselves up in these layers we just don't see it. But we're all getting there. We're all working this thing out and we're going to do it!! Again, just recalling that moment, 2 weeks later brings a tear to my eye. It will never leave me.

Non stop tears.

Then at the end a message for me. You have few barriers. You have an allie in me. More tears. It was like old friends that reacquaint after years.

Oh by the way, I asked about our son too. Just a kid, but a kid that will almost bring himself up. He is easy, and he is. So we can focus on the job in hand. The whole concept though was majestic, like poetry made of energy on a mass conscious level and expressed with tears.


Anyway, that is the background to what I think I have being preparing myself for my whole life. It feels so right to me. I've been waiting to grow into this moment. I feel a shamanic path as an ayahuascaquero is in my blood.

I took 350mg caapi with 100mg DMT last night with the specific request to start training. I thought you didn't purge on Pharma, my throat is still raw haha.

I will write up later but I am curious if anyone else has interacted with aya/pharma as I did last night. I feel like a true relationship growing with this medicine/entity and I feel I need to discuss it with others.

I am also looking at a course in Holland or if someone knows contacts or information to follow the path I would be very grateful.

Namaste