Odd title I know, but I thought it might be a good introduction to my thoughts on the two powerful feminine plant energies. I also thought this might serve as a good introduction of myself to the members of this great forum.
My first drug experiences were with recreational alcohol, supplemented with a few marijuana excursions. I never connected with the cannabis plant and found the head space uncomfortable and not very useful. After learning anecdotally that most psychedelic drugs were non habit forming and non toxic, my curiosity was piqued, and I began learning about the sacred mushroom. My curiosity became a deep interest when I learned of its incredible ability to induce powerful spiritual transformative experiences.
After losing the religion of my youth I was seeking to re-explore that vital part of myself that had been dormant for many years. Not knowing anyone in the community, and not knowing of any source from which to acquire the mushroom, I studied and learned how to grow them myself.
My first experience with the mushroom was alone in my apartment with 2 grams of dried material, which I had grown myself. It was an amazing introduction to the power of these plant medicines! I found the experience and head space incredibly useful in my explorations, and eventually worked my way up to a heroic dose of 7 grams dried. That night was completely transformative for me. When I felt the come up, I hurried to the bathroom to empty my bladder. It was coming on so fast and strong that I knew I had to lie down immediately, which ended up being on a couple bath towels in the bottom of my bathtub because I didn't even have time or the wherewith to walk to my bedroom and to the safety of my bed.
That night, lying in the bottom of my bathtub, I had a full on death and rebirth experience. I felt completely renewed, and the subtle yet persistent depressive state I had been in for years was GONE. From then on I became a psychedelic evangelist of sorts, and introduced as many friends as I could to the powers of the mushroom. Many of them looked up to me as their teacher in these states, as I found I could navigate the psychedelic experience with ease. I was at home there.
Then one night, a friend of mine (who I had introduced to the mushroom a couple years prior), begged me to journey into the mountains near my home for another mushroom experience. This was a last minute thing and I was unprepared mentally and physically for the ordeal. I had just eaten a steak dinner, and my new wife was upset that I would leave her on a whim to go with my friend. But I went anyway, arrogantly thinking that due to the ease in which I was able to navigate the psychedelic world, I could break some of the vital rules of set and setting. I WAS WRONG.
That night on the mountain in my trusty hammock, the mushrooms took me to the depths of hell. I thought I was going to die. My dark shadow came out in full force, and I saw it as a physical dark being that emerged from the ether, and it attacked me physically, mentally, and spiritually. I was surrounded by darkness, the darkness of the world, the darkness of my shadow, and the darkness of all the people in my life. And for the first time in my life, I understood the darkness people find themselves in that leads them to contemplate and attempt suicide. I just wanted it all to end, in any way possible. My friend, who was utterly useless as a sitter, did nothing but aggravate my misery. And I found myself saying some very terrible things to him, projecting my self anger on him. It was all HIS fault (our friendship has never recovered).
By the end of my trip that night, using all my strength and experience, I was able to calm down and come out of it. But not without deep scars and unresolved issues. I became depressed, rather severely. My relationship with my wife suffered greatly, as my new issues aggravated and exacerbated my wife's own problems. Our shadows started fighting each other. And I found myself in therapy, which helped some but I was never fully able to untie the web of knots I found myself in. The mushroom was of no help. It had turned on me after my night of blatant disrespect. I knew that in order to untie the knots, I would have to willingly go back into the depths where I had found myself that fateful night. Yet all attempts to grow more mushrooms failed. Despite all my experience, I was unable to successfully grow the fruit anymore. Every effort led to an insane amount of contamination in each batch. The mushroom had completely rejected and abandoned me. So I turned to another plant, cannabis.
Cannabis had never been a plant ally for me. Yet now she was the only one who would work with me. She wrapped me up in her seductive arms and I found myself getting high EVERY NIGHT. I just couldn't wait to put the kids to bed so I could lay in bed and get high and watch trashy TV. It was my only respite from the misery, and my coping mechanism. This went on for several years. And yet I never got “better”. In fact, I got worse. My evenings with Marijuana placated me. She let me know everything was fine. But it was a lie. She did nothing to help my SOLVE my issues. She just made me think that things were just going to be this way till my death, and that there was nothing I could do about it. But that she would be there for me till that moment. Then I heard HER call. Mother Ayahuasca.
Due to a series of events, I found myself being introduced to a Shaman, trained in the Amazon jungle for over a decade by the native medicine people there. Ayahuasca had always intrigued me. But I was always fearful of navigating the depths of my unconscious again. I new the only way for me was to do it under the guidance of a trained sitter, a Shaman. I knew it was time. The dates were set. 4 ceremonies in 7 nights. It was happening.
My first ceremony was relatively easy. The only hard lesson I learned that night was of the true nature of Maraijuana. Mother Ayahuasca was angry that I had allowed myself such a long affair with this seductress. She was no teacher. She showed me everything in black and white, and told me to ignore all color and subtlety. For a good hour, the two feminine energies battled it out inside me. The Madre triumphed, of course. She showed me what it means to be truly LOVING. She didn't hide the darkness from me like Marijuana did. She showed it to me step by step, very slowly, while I learned my lessons over the course of those 4 ceremonies. By the end of the 4th, I had found the light again, no longer ignoring the darkness, but allowing it to be, while CHOOSING to live in the light.
Ayahuasca is my new plant ally. And I have not used cannabis since that first ceremony. Which leads me here, to the Nexus. Changa is my next step. I hope to capture the spirit of Aya with it, so that I may continue to learn, when I don't have an entire evening and night to work with the Madre. Thank you for being such a great community of people and I hope to be accepted into your tribe.
My only question, in hopes of sparking an interesting conversation, is this-
Has anyone else experienced Ayahuasca and Marijuana as competing and incompatible feminine energies?