Ever since my fourth time smoking DMT, several years ago, I experience tremendous pre-flight jitters. After my fourth time, it took me about 5 years before I was graced with the ambrosia of the mind again. The extent to which this afflicts me is evidenced by the fact that I have had some DMT for over a year, blasting others off, but not myself. Now, that seems like a little bit of neglect of self, if I do say so myself.

I am a pretty seasoned psychonaut and find this scenario grotesquely hilarious. I must admit though, that I do have severe underlying depression and anxiety disorders that I combat regularly, and no doubt, contribute to my pre-flight jitters (I do not take meds for various reasons, but have been in therapy for many years. I also experiment with psychedelics in order to help treat my issues, and have had much success). After careful introspection about why my anxiety peaks so hard before an experience that has always left me refreshed, clear-headed, and closer to my goal of enlightenment, I came to some realizations.

Besides my natural inclination towards anxiety, it's the intensity of past experiences that brings so much apprehension. All of my journey's have been large amounts of DMT, and I break through every single time. Each time I'm gone, though in this reality it is only 5 to 15 minutes (my third time was over 50 minutes however) of time that elapses while experiencing the effects, my consciousness is gone for eons... I come back and have to seriously re-acclimate myself to being human (one time I was in shock when I came back and threw up). I also receive tremendous amounts of information about existence as a whole and myself.

Currently in my life, I am trying to accept some things about myself that others see in me, but I have a hard time seeing in myself (they're positive, but I have my reasons for why they're hard for me to see). One of my hopes, is that by being able to overcome my pre-flight jitters, I may better be able to see those things I need to potentially accept about myself. So, the other day, I decided to conquer.

I have never blasted off by myself before. There has always been someone there to coach me and take the bowl, bong, or rig from me once I start departing. I want to have the confidence to know I can blast myself off whenever I want. I asked my best friend, who isn't in to psychedelics like I am, but is extremely comforting and supportive, to come over for my experiment, just to make sure things went smoothly (like making sure I drop and break my pipe).

He came over and we just chilled for a bit while I mentally prepared. Before his arrival, I had packed the pipe I use only for DMT. This would be the first time that I hit from it myself. I laughed at myself, because I have never put so little DMT in a bowl. I actually ended up adding more out of worry that there would be no effect at all. I wanted this experience to be mild. There's no need to go balls to the wall every single time anymore. I am older and more mature, with more specific and focused goals and intentions.

When I was ready, I dimmed the lights in my room, turned on my black light, and lit some candles, incense, and sage. We meditated for about 15-20 minutes, with an Om chant playing in the background. I reminded myself what my intentions were; experimentation, being, insight, and healing. I turned on Shpongle's "Divine Moments of Truth," and sat cross-legged on my bed with my hood up. My friend sat close to me in a chair, being ready and willing to help and take care of me. I told him, that I didn't want him to coach me at all. I wanted to push myself by myself.

The first rip, I was over-zealous, too focused on doing it by myself and not doing it right; I let the flame touch the top of the herb I had the DMT layered in. That was a no no, and I immediately realized it. The next three rips were much more controlled and appropriate. My friend was very attentive, and I made sure to let him know that I was fine. When I was done, I set the bowl down, and sat cross-legged during the onset.

I came up slow, but felt amazing once I was up. It was all so familiar, yet I was still so far from where I had usually ascended to in these endeavours. I let the music move me, literally, allowing my arms and body to flow with the sounds intuitively. There was some worry here and there of a personal nature (in regards to intrusive thoughts), but quickly dissipated each time, as I kept focused on just being more than anything else. All of my previous experiences were with my eyes closed, as to be able to travel further and detach from this plane of existence. This time, I played around with my eyes open and closed, receiving input of information in illustrious and beautiful ways in both.

At one point, I just laid down. I felt my soul and consciousness being cleansed and purified. My ego died again (that will never get old to me). I was seeing energy and watching it flow into me. I could sense that there were many witnesses, outside this realm, watching and rooting for me, pouring beautiful energy over me. Magnificent and glorious visions filled my purview. Things felt right.

Upon my return, I was in the worst mood ever. Just kidding I felt balanced joy. I felt focused and confident. I was healed in many ways; cleansed and purified. I am definitely looking forward to the next time, where I'm not even going to tell anyone that I plan to blast off. It's a beautiful thing whenever we find autonomy of any kind. I hope that this helps and encourages those that deal with some of the same issues. And as always, I hope you enjoyed reading.
Thank you and One Love.