Today started out like many others; I woke up, drank a soylent, smoked some cannabis, and proceeded directly into a sadness loop that seemed to have no start and no end. All of the sudden it was over as soon as it started. Was it a release? A sign? A synchronicity? I don't think so.

I've been thinking a lot about input and the implications of literally everything that we consume - sights, sounds, tastes, smells, sensations, tactile, kinetic, food, commercials, music, conversations - all of it has a direct impact on the way that we think.

Now, going back to this morning, I feel my experience was due to the input I have been receiving lately. Floods, fire, earthquakes, and more racism, death, and violence. How do these abstract words and concepts make me feel? Like dying. Just ending it, once and for all.

But wait, I'm not depressed or suicidal.

"Where did this come from?", I ask myself.

Facebook, friends, and other social impacts.
Food choices, media choices, and choices of how I spent my energy the past few weeks and months.
Alcohol, porn, cannabis, caffeine, sugar, and of course oxytocin.

A couple of days ago I had my heart broken again. She told me, "I think it was mostly sexual anyway." A few months ago I ended my marriage for the same reason. Is this karma? Maybe.

Are all these sad thoughts and feelings and suicidal thoughts my own? No.
I let myself be programmed. By other people. By other things. By death itself in a way.

I know I have no persisting self, but at the same time, I feel like I'm being blown around like a leaf in the wind. Barely in control of my mind, and I no longer think that's a good thing. It has brought me nothing but misery, and I want to make conscious decisions now.

Now comes the part where I ask for advice.

I need help, support, and suggestions.

I'm considering microdosing shrooms and/or harmalas, but I don't know if that's going to send me down a train of delusion like LSD has done to me this summer, or if it might help ground me.

Well, Bancopuma recently posted this...

Sorry you are not feeling so well my cosmic brother. Sending you best wishes.

I have found exercising helps in my case. There is something about using my body that grounds me somehow. I also try to appreciate the beauty and miracles all around us. A "simple" flower can astound me (because it isn't simple at all).

I truly hope you feel better soon in our beautiful world.

I would try eating a heartier breakfast than soylent. No joke if that is all you had for breakfast you probably are crashing from it shortly thereafter.

Hi V01D,

Sorry you're having such a crappy time. I think it's reasonable to expect some grief after the loss of a marriage and subsequent relationship. I think that once our mind gets into a specific state, good or bad, we have a tendency to have thoughts and memories associated with the emotional aspects of that state. It can have it's own inertia, so to speak. Bad moods can also breed bad habits. Introducing some good habits can dampen the inertia and get things moving in a better direction. Taking care of yourself can change your perspective, completely.......and great suggestions from all else who posted.

Thank you to all you posted.

I am feeling much better. I've been eating much better and microdosing mushrooms and harmalas since I made this post. I have also gotten outside into nature more; I am lucky enough to live next to a big park with secluded woods.

After experiencing the profound shift in my moods, I am going to get off social media for a while and focus on getting my life together.

<3

Good to hear you're doing a bit better already,
I agree with all the above posters, especially about getting into nature and healthy eating/exercise.

One thing that is huge for me is to do something that gives you a sense of accomplishment.
Building something, fixing things around the house, chopping firewood, whatever, helps to lift your mood when feeling bummed out. Sometimes just doing anything that needs doing helps a lot.
A lot of careers are lacking in the sense of being able to complete a project, and see what you have accomplished and feel proud of yourself for having finished it. It helps me, anyway, to be able to see that I did something constructive and completed it.

I try to limit how much news I watch or read, it is super depressing.
We all have hard times, keep reminding yourself all the things you have to be grateful for.

Sending you lots of good vibes!
Take care

Wow that's a pretty quick shift if you were really experiencing some deep distress.

It sounds like you are working towards being in solution, the self care steps you are taking sound positive. From personal experience, I'd be careful with even medium term regular harmala dosing, but micro dosing is a wonderful creative stimulant and mood stabilizer for me.

There are a couple things in the op I didn't see anyone respond to that jumped out at me as being very possible causes for your ennui.

Having your heart broken a couple months after divorcing another person? You said things that made it seem as if you place a lot of well being in other people's hands. Co dependace and reliance on others is a sure road to distress and suffering. Maybe it is time for a solitary walk.

The substances can help you not be overwhelmed emotionally using them the way you're using them and can be helpful. Of course we here know about the benefits of using larger doses to look within, I don't know how you feel about that at this time.

Maybe looking into private talk therapy could help? I know that for me, it was impossible to find anyone who'd let me talk, they'd always have advice or tell me about some trauma of theirs that affected them more than mine affected them so I had to pay someone to listen (actually,I am so grateful to live in a (read:the only) state with awesome universal health care that pays for it.). I'm glad I did.

That's my couple cents, salt liberally and consume carefully.

null24:

Thank you for the reply. It is interesting that you suggest a solo journey because I have been taking actions to assure my "singleness" for a while. Not in a prohibition kind of way, but rather an acknowledgment that not being involved romantically with anyone for right now will exponentiate my personal growth. I have experienced more growth this Summer being single than I had in the past for years of my life being married.

As for the quick and sudden change, this is just simply how I experience emotions sometimes now. I feel an extreme sadness, I focus on it and face it head on to see what it arises from, and then I try to take action. It also helps that I stopped consuming alcohol and nicotine completely, have been eating better, and getting out into nature. I think the woods are underrated in "The West" as an extremely effective treatment for stress and depression.

It's interesting that you mention co-dependance because that is the issue most of the feminine people in my life have had. My mom, pretty much all of my ex g/fs, old friends... I can see now that I also may put too much pressure and expectations on other people in general. I do need to solve my own problems, on my own. Self-relience is the most attractive thing to me in a person right now, so perhaps I need to make that a priority now. I guess I have been recently (past couple of days).

AcidShard:

Thanks for the suggestions, I do find it helps to just get up and start doing something!

General Update/Reply:

I have deactivated Facebook, deleted the Instagram and Tinder app, turned my phone to "do not disturb" mode indefinitely, and am no longer pursuing social interactions outside of my close friends. Why? Because it's too much work keeping up with all this crap! I also believe that the constant dopamine rush from notifications is not healthy for me.

It's only been a day or two (time is a funny thing) since I did all of these things, but I feel way less stress. Perhaps even the eustress isn't such a good thing in the doses most of the Western society gets these days.

I've been thinking again about programming a lot and have started reading the book, "The Craving Mind." I am about 25% of the way through it, and I am starting to see through a lot of the unconscious messages that are being passed across in advertisements and other media. I've realized that Facebook is nothing but a giant revenue stream anymore. Look at your timeline, how much of it is actually spontaneously created original content from the person who actually posted it? 10%? Maybe... Even still, constant forced exposure to ads and news, and videos was overwhelming and I think that screen exposure, in general, might have an effect on our brains that isn't talked about much.

It seems like every time I go to do something on my phone, if I don't consciously and out loud say what it is, I forget what it was immediately upon unlocking the screen and being faced with the bright screen and the pretty icons. I even tried putting all that stuff away into three folders, but the problem persists. I've talked to a few of my friends and I know that I am not alone in this.

The past couple of days I have been searching for a job that I can do while I am going to school for music. I'm excited because this isn't a standard music degree, it's a contemporary 2-year program through the community college that will teach me everything I wanted to know about music production on a computer, and not waste my time with the economics of Mozart's time. (Yes this is a real thing at a college I applied to, didn't get in, and found out later).