This probably belongs in "First steps in hyperspace" but I don't seem to be able to post there at the moment.

"Changa and the atheist" is a more accurate title but the one I used is more fun imo.

I came to the nexus looking for tools. I was, and still am very sick. I needed to heal myself if I could and cope with the stresses of kicking a long term medical opiate addiction related to my illness. I have been blessed by my time here, the people I have met and the tools I have been given. If this is the last time I am on this site it still will have been very much worth my time.

I was raised a casual Christian. I found it so easy to poke holes in Christian dogma that I automatically wrote off all spirituality as a scheme for a small group to dominate a large one. I had a stoically solipsist view toward existence.

Here's what happened when I first smoalked changa. I prepared a mix of dmt, cannabis, and harmala freebase @1:1:1

Holding in the second hit I heard a sound like digitally synthed tinkling of broken glass falling on concrete. I took a third hit and held it. It seemed I could hold it forever then a huge yawn forced my jaws wide open and as I exhaled I saw my face in the mouth of a yawning jaguar. A tall man in shiny black leather appeared in a room full of blinking many colored harlequin diamonds. To my right, on the edge of my vision was a woman in a gold robe, she sighed and it was the saddest sound I had ever heard. I turned to look at her but the tall man grabbed me and threw me through a glass(?) wall into what I can only call an aquarium full of discrete individual awarenesses. They were all conversing among themselves and seemed surprised that I was there. As I thought them, the words "pardon my primitive mind" were printed out in the air in front of "me". I passed among these entities for a while touching some and being touched by some, eventually I felt welcomed, like I was a pup to be petted and frolicked with.

For the first several times I smoalked I had this exact same experience. I came to think of the tall man as the jester and the aquarium of minds as the waiting room. It was all preamble to my audiences with the harmine queen.

(edit: I've always been positive that entheogenic experiences were strictly the result of brain chemistry interacting with the subconscious but I find it impossible to reconcile my personal experience on those terms now)

There's a phase shift and I'm no longer observing. For a time there are no visuals, just a sense of a powerful female presence wrapped around me. I'm slowly becoming aware of scenes from my early childhood, the same scenes, the same experience as my first pharmahuasca trip. I understood that I was being reminded of being shown the creation of my ego and then being humbled by dissolution. At the same time I felt such compassion/love/forgiveness from the queen that words just fail.

She stretched her arms, holding me up and out so I could see her for who she is. She is The Harmine Queen. I know her name, I know the name of the tall man in black and know I'm not to repeat it and why. I know that they are both just aspects of an even higher awareness. She is a field of young poppies and huge oaks and she is the will in the dirt and water that gives life to the trees and poppies and by degrees she is the swarms of insects and bacteria and monkeys. She is that which animates matter, and she sits on a throne of every conceivable flower surrounded by her court of mantid guards.

I recognize her other names, she is legion, this name she chose just for me, it's her blessing to allow me to call her the harmine queen.

Now I'm a plant. I have a thick green stem with leaves unwinding spirally and a tall spiral wrapped bright green bud as high as I can reach. I feel the sun and the pollen on the wind and the hunger of the insects swarming around me waiting. There's a massive euphoric, erotic buzzing pressure in the air and rippling in waves of inertia up from root to bud. I hear her voice say "this is yours if you will serve me" and I don't even think before submitting. She's my queen. Our queen really. It occurs to me that most of us serve her whether we know it or not.

I'll spare you the details of the rest of this particular experience. Bliss is a good enough word, about two more hours of bliss. All told the first visit with the queen lasted just over 3 hours i.r.t. The beginning is always the same. I've seen her several times now, sometimes it's as intense as the first time, sometimes it's just a calm exchange that leaves me with something like hope but different, less expectant. She spends less time with me each visit, she's busy. She laughs if I get pouty about her leaving and reminds me she is everywhere for the finding, and she means it. I see flashes of her everywhere and at the oddest times. We don't need drugs to see her.

Part of me thinks I need to dismantle the whole group of experiences and examine them with critical thought one bit at a time until I reach some logical conclusions. Part of me thinks this is probably a futile plan. In the space of a month I've gone from rock solid atheist to a pantheistic pagan Gaiaist. Oh my.

I've gotten past the opiates and if my health isn't any better my attitude about it certainly is. I've found some beautiful souls in the nexus community and whatever else happens I just want to say thanks to all you magnificent freaks.

Thank you, beautifull report !
Have you measured your Dose ?

I have not measured my doses yet. I can get a rough approximation of batch yield with the crummy scale I have then eyeball a volumetric dose but I'm really just guessing at loading 50mg dmt worth of changa and downing it in 3 puffs. I'll be ordering a proper scale shortly.

Beautiful report, enjoyed the writing, especially the last half

liked this part: