I recently returned from a Toad Ceremony and I have to say absolutely nothing on the internet prepared me for what happened!
The problem is little to none of the advice includes AFTER CARE. I read about "set and setting" about a billion times, and indeed my "set and setting" was pretty good. The ceremony was according to my intention and very healing. The problem was after the trip I struggled to physically recover to the point of being taken to hospital.
UPDATE IMPORTANT PLEASE READSince my experience I have started a daily practice of mindful meditation that is believe is already improving my ability to handle anxiety and panic attacks. So far I highly recommend daily meditation. For the first time in 16 years I have been able to go to sleep without taking drugs. Nevertheless I'm still integrating and still do not feel ready to fully write up my story.
Also please read the post from dreamer042 - these are MY tips that would have helped ME had I known them.
JUST THE TIPSIf you have a severe addiction, like severe alcohol abuse or heroine, do NOT use these medicines. You can get a heart attack. Suggest seeking conventional help.
0. Do not try this alone, have family with you. You need them to take care of you while the neurochemistry of your brain recovers.
1. Do not intend on travelling at least 1 week after the ceremony
2. Stay in a retreat especially intended for integration of the experience at least 1 week after the ceremony. This retreat ought to include professional psychiatrists, psychologists and nurses. If this really isn't an option then don't take the drug. If you still want to take the drug and this isn't an option, spend the extra cash to stay in a high quality QUIET hotel (if you have to do this in another country).
3. Do not have sex at least 1 week after the ceremony, you will deplete all your serotonin and fall into an MDMA like ultra come down. Or you may induce a panic attack.
4. Stock up on vitamin tablets, bananas, and CARBOHYDRATES. Bread, potatoes, etc. Fruit and salad are ok, but don't give enough long burning energy. You need the vitamins & carbs to recover serotonin, especially if you don't eat meat/fish/dairy.
5. Perform light exercise, like short walks.
6. Do not take this drug if you are not a practiced meditator, and have successfully used meditation to overcome something negative (like chronic pain, anxiety, panic). If you want to take the drug anyway against my advice, a colouring book is helpful. Meditation music helps.
7. (IDEAL) Obtain a heart rate monitor, pulse oximetry (to monitor oxygen levels in blood), and even buy a blood pressure monitor. Get your family member(s) to learn to use these prior to the experience. I felt like I was dying, I was confused, disorientated. By having your family member able to perform some basic checks you can resist the urge to go to hospital.
8. Keep talking to a minimum, ask the family members to refrain from talking. Talk only an hour or two a day for psychotherapeutic reasons.
9. Get hold of benzos prior, but avoid taking them unless you hit the 2 - 3 day mark of sleep deprivation. Part of my panic was not having any benzos, and knowing alcohol would make me sick (and defeat the purpose). Many people will discourage using benzos, but the psychological impact of having them "to hand" is great. If you do take one to sleep after 2 - 3 days, try to refrain and get back to meditation, relaxation, recovery, for another 2 days.
10. Walk barefoot in nature and avoid cramped spaces.
11. Do NOT perform deep meditation, only light meditation like mindful meditation and listening to gentle music. Use meditation to rest the mind only.
12. Try to keep explanations in terms of both science and religion to a minimum. Understanding something with the Ego brings only a false sense of comfort. Try to listen to your feelings, your gut, your instincts.
13. Following on from 12, only eat when hungry, only sleep when sleepy, only stay awake when not sleepy, only drink when thirsty, only put clothes on/off when cold/warm. Remember when you where as a child - you did want to eat when told (or "should"
, you did not want to sleep when told (or "should"
. A child goes outside, THEN puts their coat on, most adults put their coat on, then go outside.
14. Try not to communicate/think too much in terms of beliefs and ego-structures. Try to stick to facts. When socialising, try to talk about the moment right now.
15. Do NOT think about how you are going to be in "the future", think about how you are now. Do not plan. Address your needs of the now, not your wants of the future.
Do not expect the above tips to only apply for the first week.
BACKGROUNDBufo alvarius seems to be extremely active in the dreams/"sleep" you have for the following days. I was not prepared for this at all.
I will probably return to this and add detail over time once I have integrated more, but this post is for mainly practical advise above for now. In a nutshell, I suffered extreme sleep deprivation: about 4 - 6 hours of sleep over the course of 5 days (also I ate practically nothing). At times I was wandering around the streets screaming (literally, louder than you can imagine) and crying uncontrollably for days.
I lost track of the day, what time it was, where I was, my wifes age. I woke up vomiting, shaking, aching, spasming, headaches, hyper ventilating.
Needless to say, a lot of these tips I only learnt in the days after the ceremony. I wish I wish I knew these tips before!! My longest non-stop panic attack must have been 10 hours.
It's fair to say I was "high risk" of having panic attacks as I'm hypochondriac and hyper logical, and had no experience of successfully using meditation to overcome panic attacks.