Why Meditation is hurting me…
…and fortunatly it is supposed to?
So lately when I meditate I just get through the normal part where I lie there, I feel an itch, I turn my attention to it and away from it and it passes. Then instead of the usual delight of happiness or flashy lights I get anxiety. And an almost unconscious need to open my eyes and cease it. I didn’t go to my weekly Samatha meetup either due to said anxiety.
I started meditation because of anxiety in the first place! Why would I want it again? HELP! But seriously apparently this is all normal…
As you meditate you unearth what causes you problems. Unfortunatly, even though there seems a clear “Path”(
https://alohadharma.com/the-map/ ) I struggle with this because I am at several stages of this path at once. I think this is because of several factors:
I am autistic. Autism + Asperges + Dyspraxia. High functioning. But my brain is wired differently...
I was hypnotised by someone, and I think some portion of my brain is still traumatised, then another part is not due to hypnotic conditioning. After 3 months the hypnotic conditioning gave way to the old self, and with that came some kind of internal struggle between the two which caused my symptoms much described by “Dark Night of the Soul” except I didn’t have a Kundalini awakening…hell I haven’t even opened my “Third Eye” in Kundalini-terms… but I had all the symptoms. Anxiety, panic attacks, severe depression for 12 hours then joy for 12 hours then depression and panic attacks…all very wierd. I did go back and see the hypnotherapist, but the shorter sessions were not long enough to put me into a trance like state. I am not hyper suggestible. These symptoms lasted for a year and a half. I remember playing Arma 3 for 12 hours a day, a game that accurately simulates battlefield response (soldiers use it for training) complete with bullet snaps when being shot at. Looking back this was actually adding to the problem, I was getting little panic attacks whilst playing the game FROM THE GAME on top of what I was suffering in life… on top of THAT I was part of a squad on teamspeak who never really liked me, and I am already anxious of social situations, I was ultra paranoid about them talking behind my back etc. Turns out I was right about that, recently went back and it was all negative.. so I quit for good, as you should when something makes you feel wrong. Intuition…listen and trust it!
SO right now I feel I have several options. I almost feel bad about befriending the hypnotherapist (as much as my friendships go, have never met up IRL for anything non professional) because it means I feel guilty for criticising his work… even though it cost me over £1000 to see him in the first place. Plus several £200 top ups (I think they were that price, was a while back). Plus the stress and cost of having to drive to London and back (There is a train directly from Crewe now I live in the NW which is an easy 2 hours) which would take me 8 hours each way. Looking back I don’t know why I didn’t just fly there and back? Anyway… I digress…
Do I spend £700-1000 and go see him again for 4 hours and have a hypnotherapy session that wears off in 3 months?
Do I spend £700-1000 + a few tabs of LSD (illegal, so riskier) which makes you hyper suggestive during your trip and have a hypnotherapy session that might never wear off due to getting into trance properly? He might not agree with this being a professional. This is why I haven’t named him btw. I don’t know of any legal substances that can make someone hyper suggestible??
Do I end my professional relationship with him and find a new hypnotist? This might be problematic. She/he would have to erase all of his programming then insert her/his own. And how much is all this going to cost? I am not making the same money that I was back then (the joys of internet based careers). I can’t afford to blow £1k on something that might not even work?
Do I not bother with hypnotherapy at all, get some MDMA and self-help myself under the influence? Same with LSD, mushrooms, or 4-aco-dmt? A website based around entheogenic science (
http://dmt-nexus.me ) recommends, by it’s users, something called psychotherapy. Where you take said substances in a controlled setting and you ask yourself questions whilst on it. The problem is as I said before… I am not totally me. Part of “me” has been hypnotically conditioned. Grrr.
I have recordings that I combined with binaural beats, of his sessions. Do I take LSD or MDMA and listen to these? Would this work?
I don’t even know who or where to ask these questions. I am so stuck.
Either way I am far better than I was before the hypnotherapy, where I was so depressed I didn’t even go to London wearing shoes. I went in my slippers! And I didn’t even notice until he pointed them out! I must have looked a right *%$* walking around an empty Marylebone at 6am in slippers!!! But it just hasn’t worked out for me. I remember him saying stuff like “and you GO TO SLEEP” and thinking “you what mate? I don’t think so” even though I was trying to. But this was back before meditation, before being able to still that analytical mind. I have tried listening to recorded sessions and doing it, I come close but never actually go to sleep on his command.
I have no doubt he knows what he is doing. So many testimonials, and news coverage, and interviews. You can’t do all those and just be some kind of scammer. I have read all the NLP books and stuff like Tranceformations, the science backs up his recordings.
All I can do is put faith in the universe. Or as we say in Kundalini “Om namo guru dev namo” (“We connect to our highest Divine self”).
Thanks for reading.
Namaste.