Friends,
For the last several years things have been a little skewed for me when it comes to tripping. Now, let me give you a brief history. I have tripped maybe 15-20 times over the course of 10-15 years. Not too often. I've had some majorly great times and loved it. Mostly mescaline, a few times shrooms, 1 time DMT - 1-2 times LSD (don't like LSD.)

That being said - a few years back - something changed and now when I trip I get stuck in some kind of mental loop. This loop comes down to several thoughts that I cannot seem to shake.

1. Am I real? - Do I exist or am I just a figment of my imagination.
2. If I do exist do any of you exist as well or are you just a figment of my imagination.
3. Did I just create all of you (imagination wise) so that I wouldn't be lonely?
4. Am I the only one who exists - being as we are one universe and we are all one - am I the only mass galactic creature out there.
5. If I do let go and go traveling - will I always definitely get back?

I know - some of this seems like childish beginner thoughts but it really has me stuck. So much so that I am not tripping any longer. The last time I dosed my wife and I wrote letters - notes - things all over the house; we put them on the ceilings, walls, everywhere - saying "you are real" "you are safe" all sorts of things like that. (Side note: I love my life, my family, my children, and everything going on in this physical world currently) So its very important to me that I don't get stuck somewhere else.

Here are some of my other "possibility" thoughts. Let's say that we are all god and that every "life" is one possibility of that which is everything when I said "let there be everything" and there was. For example there are infinite parallel universi. That being said, could this be the universe where I do not get back into my body in this current world with this current family, etc.

I am definitely terrified of not getting back - and more to the point - I am the kind of person to have had level 4 trips many times. THat being said - with how strong marijuana has gotten, I can take a pull from a 72% THC vape pen and cannot handle it. It's as if time stops - and I worry that I am just imagining everything that is happening - which I'm sure there is some bit of truth to.

Regardless - I'm having these great difficulties - and I have been thinking about finding a Native American Shaman (certified good guy) to speak with about this.

My thanks in advance for any perspective:

I think you are experiencing difficulty with "letting go".

Particularly with DMT and LSD it is crucial to the experience that you fully let go of everything and accept what you see and what you get, for what it is. There is a literal loss of power during these experiences. You are no longer in charge but are being guided by the substances. Some believe there is a spirit behind these experiences, personally I think it's all just chemical. Either way if you fight the experience you will lose. You cannot be in charge when looking into the pool of infinite questions. You are a passenger at that stage, not the driver.

You literally have to accept that your reality is your perception right in the moment of the journey, and let go of your family and everything that you have created. That is not you. You are your perception during these types of experiences, not your "life". Some may contend that that is true at all times.

You will always come back, even if you take a devastating dose. You may be changed, but you always come back. You already know this. But fear is preventing you from letting go.

I also have children, a wife, home, career... all the things that we build our lives around, so I'm speaking from a point of reference where I can understand what you fear. But that is all it is. Fear.

So the thoughts you loop on, let me try and answer them logically for you.

1. Am I real? - Do I exist or am I just a figment of my imagination.
A: It doesn't matter. You wouldn't be able to tell anyway. Accept it.

2. If I do exist do any of you exist as well or are you just a figment of my imagination.
A: It doesn't matter. You wouldn't be able to tell anyway. Accept it.

3. Did I just create all of you (imagination wise) so that I wouldn't be lonely?
A: It doesn't matter. You wouldn't be able to tell anyway. Accept it.

4. Am I the only one who exists - being as we are one universe and we are all one - am I the only mass galactic creature out there.
A: You are at the center of your universe, and you are not in control. I am at the center of my universe and experience the same. We all experience the same, but you are alone. You were born alone and you will die alone. Everything here is temporary.

5. If I do let go and go traveling - will I always definitely get back?
A: Yes, always. You may not be the same when you come back. You may return with more questions or answers than you had when you left, which may cause you to change how you perceive/approach life... but you will always come back.

I hope you can learn to let go. You may have become too attached on what is "real" to openly accept the possibilities of other realities that can be generated by these experiences. Fear is always the enemy with psychedelics, acceptance is always the path to enlightenment.

You are, you were, you always will be. Everything else is temporary.

Very much appreciated. Since I've posted and prior to your comments I've stumbled onto ego dissolution and the challenges that come with said experiences. I am currently reading the Tibetan book of the dead. Excellent read - and the Timothy Leary translation taylored towards psychedelics.

I agree with almost all of what you've said.

Thanks much!!

I can only explain from my POV:

Everybody has his own truth. So IMHO everybody will have his own answers to these questions and these answers will also change over time...

IMHO these questions are typical questions for someone following the Jnana Yoga path. One famous god realized person on this path was Ramana Maharshi. Maybe reading some of his works can therefore be an inspiration/help for you. You could test that.

Have you had ego deaths on your prior psychedelic experiences?

I don't think it would be very helpful for you, if I answer your questions, in the way I would answer them.

I can only state this from my perspective:
IMHO the core of all your questions is: What do you mean by "I"? (this is exactly the Maharshi way)
Are you this body? Are you your soul? Are you this universe? Are you just consciousness? Are you just what you are? ...

I'm glad my views could help you a bit with your journey.

I even have contradictory thoughts about the substance of reality. It's such a complex subject and once we start to look deeper into the question we end up with more questions, rather than more answers. Then we are forced to form opinions (or be pressed by the questions eternally). Psychedelics (imho) give us a chance to look deeper into it, and perhaps even understand more.

I really believe I am a source of energy though. And being a source of energy I cannot end, I can only change form. It's physics 101. Maybe it's a self delusion, maybe once the chemical reactions end in my brain end I might just enter the void. Either way I like to believe that.

I haven't read the Tibetan book of the dead. I'd be really interested to hear the major points that you take from it. Please share when you get through it.

I'm also interested to hear what parts of what I've said that conflict with your views. I'm totally open to ideas that contrast my own understanding.


It can't hurt, there's no sacred knowledge. It is just your view, that's worth a lot.

I would like to hear your opinion too.

It is ok to have questions and we do not need to find any answers. The need of needing results in stress.

It is this uncertainity which triggers our fears. Ego lives in an illusory cage of security and control.

Putting these "helpful" notes in your house and trying to convince yourself of anything is avoidance and will not bring any long-term change in your experience. Furthermore, the more I try to cling myself to some rigid thoughts, the more effort it takes to create a feeling of stability. Bring it all close, allow yourself to experience these thoughts, stay liquid, keep your thoughts flowing, keep your mind open, observe, we don't know anything, accept the not knowing to let go, trust in yourself. Perfection simply is..










Fear is an embedded survival function of our organism. Rejection is the way (final coping approach) if I am not able to integrate and deal with it.




In my opinion, "understanding" that I know nothing, is most I can understand. All my mind does, is forming concepts/models with the use of obersavation, experience and logic. Remeber the "finger and the moon" methapor, the finger pointing to the moon is always the finger and never the moon. Thus, is all I can think of always just a model, an idea ... maybe like "myself", the believe/image I create and maintain in my mind about what I am (= major source of stress).




In the game of "I" (ego), I set a "random" point on an endless plane (which I call myself) from which I take a perspetive on the matter. This all happens in regard of the survival of my/the organism.




Just keep in mind, the power of believes. Whatever it is I am believing in, it stays a believe, an idea... which can have pleasant/horrific consequences for you and us as one (human community). Every assumtion I run my system on, enables and forces different patterns.




Truth can hurt and it is ok.

tseuq

I've read some of this since your post. It is most certainly very similar to the path which I have walked for 15+ years now. - I am thankful for your suggestion.


I will certainly look into this.



I do believe so. I have had many experiences but I have had difficulty of late accessing said memories. I have epilepsy - mild, mind you, but still - a fact that I am thinking about coming to terms with, however I believe (like the Jnana path) that all things are NOT finite and that I have the control and ability to change anything with the simple focus of "faith" if you will - or strongly focused, non-wavering will. I have been many places. For 1, without ever having gone to church, nor having been witness to any religious books/movies, I have been Christ in the desert, bleeding, body broken, heat, pain, non-pain, you name it. It began with a static change - kind of like changing the channel on a manual television from the 80s (for all you older folks, you know precisely what I mean.) I was laying there - on my stomach bleeding out, when in the distance behind the mountains was lightning. THis lightning began to flash at extremely high rates of speed and what I percieved at the time to be a download of a wealth of knowledge was being shared with me. It was at that point that I realized that I was speaking with "god" - or myself in a much higher level of consciousness. I soon believe I became one with said light and when I returned to my current body, I understood and knew things that I had never learned before. Arbitrary examples might be simple things like plumbing, carpentry, logic behind cooking, understanding of the energy that everything is built from. One-ness. From this point on, I have walked as god - knowing who i truly am. I see all of existence as a beautiful creation (mostly beautiful) and that I am one of the witnesses for my greater consciousness to experience the particular dimension of eternity that I am. In understanding this, I am also aware that not all are conscious of who they particularly are, and when I see things like this - my instant understanding is "perhaps this is the iteration in which said individual gets to experience their slice without being consciously aware of whom they are."

I walk and live a very charmed existence. I help many people along their paths, shining the flashlight here and there, assisting them in coming to their understanding of perhaps the next turn as my personal feelings are that if I were to tell someone whom they were and where they should head, that it may be possible they eventually disbelieve simply based on the fact that they did not determine this themself.

Do not worry - I am far past that point in enlightenment.

Continuing with experiences - I am sure I have let go a few times but do not particularly remember.

One time I will speak on a bad experience I had with LSD but for now I do not have the time to tell that story in its entirety.



I can't blame you if something particularly opposes your perspective on things that should be kept to one's self versus how you might affect someone's path.



I am all of above at the same time and consciously aware that I am.
THank you for your perspectives.

Just so we're all on the same page. I am still hoping to continue with the discussion.

The thing is, that I only really like to answer on such posts, if I'm in the right consciousness and also have the feeling my post would contribute. But as you asked, I will at least shortly give an answer anyways:



(This is all from my POV and experiences I had so far. Please do not feel offended, as these are just my experiences of my truth)
The problem I see, that these are basically all mental constructions. You do not experience it that way. For if you would experience it that way, all these questions should IMHO vanish.

Through meditation, or by the influence of some substances, or... you sometimes get into states where you can really experience these other "identifications". And there it gets immediately very clear and simple of how everything works (and I'm always just amazed by the simplicity of it all). But as soon as you're back the mind and ego sets in again, and what you experienced doesn't make sense anymore, as the mind just cannot and will not ever be able to understand this in his logical limited way.
(the limited physical mind cannot understand infinity)
From my experience mainly through our intuition we feel the truth in our "normal limited physical" state of consciousness.

But I have drifted too far off. I'm very sorry.

But honestly I don't think I could be much of help to you, for as it seems you go mainly by the Jnana way, whereas I'm a 100% bhakti. So my perspective is way different from yours.

It's all good with me. I think somewhere along the way I developed fear from bad people during a bad trip. It's a long story but it got in there and loosened a few screws. I'll try to get a writing up shortly.

And in regards to how I see everything all the time and understanding / not understanding... well, i just see the infinite possibilities of everything in everything. But sometimes I doubt myself. It's in this doubt / fear that I need rectification.

You've been most helpful and I will draw from your perspective what I will.

I welcome you as a new friend. If you need anything or to chat, please reach out.