Hi!
OK so it's time for me to write my first trip report. It happened a few months ago...
I was at my friends home who is like me very much interested in psychedelics and spirituality and treats psychedelics with respect. I felt good that day, but it was a time of my life when I was very emotionally unstable. It was a few months after the girl I was very attached to broke with me in a way that ruined my emotional life. But well, this day I felt OK.
Anyway I was at friends home and he asked me if I want to smoke cannabis. I said "no thanks". He joked: "maybe changa then?" And I said "No thanks" but the idea that he actually had DMT started to tempt me, because so far I had two DMT trips (one mixed schroom+changa [
https://www.dmt-nexus.me/forum/d...aspx?g=posts&t=75056 ] and one light ayahuasca trip), and both were extremly fruitful for me and didn't bring anything bad to my life. At this point I wasn't scared of DMT or psychedelics at all. I always thought they bring me always good in the end, even if part of the trip is unpleasant. It's because I have this belief that emotions like sorrow or anger are actually ways of cleansing our psychophysical organisms, that's why I don't consider them bad.
Anyway finally we decided to smoke this changa. We did cleanse the room and "vibe", put on the music (
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z7uBEpelThs), meditated, did rapé ceremony ["Rapé is a sacred shamanic medicine (...) a complex blend of pulverized plants, which usually contain a strong tobacco, Nicotiana rustica and sometimes also Nicotiana tabacum, as one of the main ingredients (...) shamans use rapé to re-align with their energy channels and with their higher self, and to intensify their connection with the world and the universe"
https://katukina.com/doc/rape ] and then with all spiritual mood went for it. I was actually feeling a little tired because preparations were sooo long and I think I took too much rapé. Still - we wanted to go.
I did a litte crazy thing there: I told my friend: please, give me as much of it as possible that is within reasonable amount (which meant that more would simply not work or would be impossible to smoke that much anyway) that will give me the most powerful changa trip possible. I wanted to check how powerful psychedelic experience can get. So he put a lot of this thing into pipe and told thats so much that more makes no sense.
So he lit it for me and I got it all in my lungs at once (I used to be vocalist so I suppose my lungs are "tough". After one second I saw my friend looking like a statue of some buddha and thought "OH !@#$, this is so powerful after 1 second, what have I done?!" and second later I was in hyperspace.
Everything went crazy spiraling, I saw something like meditating postures (maybe gods/devas?), godlike personas floating in some strange space and white luminous spirals going higher and higher, everything was spiraling... I didn't feel body, ground, normal space. I didn't had "eyes" so I don't know if they were open or close. I completely didn't feel human, I was just consciousness. I felt that me and entire Earth is going through some deep transformation from matter to pure spiritual existence. I thought and said that "we won, we are truly mages...". By "We" I meant all the psychedelic people. All the vulnerable, artists, believers, free thinkers, shamans, researchers... all the people who contributed into freedom, peace, rights of minorities, Love etc... that we all make this moment into being. We created this moment and we won over cruelty, greed, war... I felt that victory of spirit over matter and that we humanity/all beings on Earth are now on spiritual plane of existence.
I thought that now is the moment that all the universe was going to. That EVERYTHING ever was, is supposed to culminate NOW. That now is the time for transcendence of all humanity and that I'm some sort of chosen one who has to do this, that I can't fail. I thought that I'll never be human again, that now I reached some other state of being. It had some taste of "survival" in it, like I was fighting for my life; there is no going back now.
[NOTE: Right now I'm not sure if I recollect everything in right order - but I'll try my best]
I was seeing my life flashing through my eyes. I saw myself as always "the philosopher type". That I was always questioning everything, walking and thinking... always thinking how all this life/consciousness was possible, what is it all about. That limitations of our understanding... paradoxes. I always felt that there's something wrong with this life, that the world we live in is somehow limited/wounded and I was always looking deeper and deeper into reality and felt that this attitute has bring me HERE to the ultimate moment, which I perceived as an amazing feat, even thou I dounbted my philosophical attitude in life as burdening for me and others.
I also saw myself as a person who was always extremely vulnerable and artistic and that I've endured a lot of pain as child and in life general. But right now I saw it as having both sides - that I've reached very deep into darkness, and because of that I can also reach very high into the light and that's why I have to take the lead now. The fact that I used to move people with my art deeply requiered all this vulnerability, and that now I'm going to move deeply "everything".
Somewhere there or before (I can't recollect exact order of things, but I think I put them in right order) something very scary has happened. All the fractals and visuals suddenly turned into very scary patterns, they looked a lot like clocks... and there was a voice that said "You have your fucking eternity you wanted!" I was never so scared in my life I think. I thought right now I'm gonna be in real hell for eternity.
While being there in hyper panic and anxiety I thought that I have to do something, at least try, and after a while I reminded myself teachings of the Buddha and I started practicing them. I thought "I accept that hell, I accept that fate, let it be, I let it go, I accept it"... I later added, I don't know why, maybe because I wanted to try everything to get out of here: "I forgive you God that you're so imperfect". Then the most beautiful thing I saw in my life started emerging from this hellish view. I kept "meditating", letting go and forgiving everything, everyone I've met in life. This light started to get more and more bright. It looked very much like "DMT Spirit Molecule" of Alex Grey and as one art posted by one of DMT Nexus members, below are pictures:
[Btw. I clearly felt like I was not guided on this trip, I was alone there to this point and it was me making choices that were having huge impact on this journey. I'm so glad that I had this buddhist/meditative/psychonautic experience, because otherwise I don't wanna think what would happen there... but I also consider the possibility that changa gave me the experience I could handle somehow, maybe "it knew"]
It was the most beautiful thing I ever seen... It looked like spiralish/fractalish pillar of impossibly bright silverish white, that even thou was very bright it wasn't blinding at all. It was going way up to the ultimate light, alpha and omega point that emanated entire reality. This fractalish pillar looked like being made from infinitude of diamonds, it was alive in a way more profound than any being I ever seen. Some crystals surrunding the main pillar of light were falling down like snowflakes which sounded like millions of most beautiful crystals echoing and reverbing in some outwordly beautiful space. It was emanating beautiful colorful fractals to all infinitude of consciousness; they looked a little like stainted glass just much more detailed. It felt like it was the centre of All, the Source, the centre of consciousness, of Spirit. It was complete synesthesia of Love. It was image of Love, song of Love, feeling of purest Love. It felt almost like Nirvana [thou it wasn't Nirvana since I was still having thoughts]. I thought if there was any place that I could spent eternity being conscious then it's here [thou the thought was quite scary]. And I actually thought that maybe I reached "nirvana" and I'll be there for eternity now.
Anyway my interpretation is that this "thing" was something a christian would call "Holy Spirit", a tibetan buddhist "Sambhogakaya". In my lenses it was numinous experience in terms of Rudolf Otto. It was the "active side of God" in my opinion - the side that gets into interaction with conscious beings. It also resembles a lot something that therawada buddhists of Dhammaloka society call Nimitta.
I had like 15 minutes of dialogue with this beautiful thing. It has shown me every action of love that all people did to me in my life and that it's that love of others that has bring me here. I felt like their telephathic presence is here, that we are here together. I felt that this Holy Spirit/Sambhogakaya/Nimitta, that this Light is LOVE. I even thought that right now I'm reunited with my ex and that it all was just a lesson for me so could be back there together in absolute love and that I was destined to bring us ALL here and she was so proud of me. [btw. post-factum it was a big illusion and it shown me how DMT can delude us if we are not careful in interpretations] I also was in telephathic communion with everyone who has doubted my psychedelic interests and now they were like "I'm so sorry, I'm so grateful that you did bring us here!! We love you!" [When I'm typing this I'm having shivers all my body when I remind this, it was so real and powerful I can't not shake while reminding this part of the trip]. Also my psychedelic friends were telepathically saying things like "dude, you're so good at this, I'm glad I was with you on this path!"
But this experience has some bitter taste to it's sweetness. This beautiful thing told me that we have to go on. That we have to have Hope, Love... I think I was asking it why there is/was so much suffering in the world. I think it told me that it's all a lesson of Love... That it understands how hard it's for now but as long as we have Faith, Love and Hope it will be OK. I FELT like it was actually SAD that we have to experience so much suffering too. Or maybe it was just I being sad. But I felt this connection of sadness and compassion and painful understanding. Like it was empathethic with our humanity. It felt at that moment like EVEN IT (Holy Spirit lets say) can't change it, it's just the way things are and we all have to create this Love... I felt like maybe even God himself is struggling for this Love which was very terryfying for me. Because this Light was perfect in a way, but on the other I felt it vulnerable aswell, the most holy thing vulnerable... or maybe it was just mine vulnerability, it's hard to say [it's interesing to note that in buddhist cosmology even the brahman - which is part of samsara has factor of dukkha - imperfection and that only nirvana is free of it - but I didn't know it then, I researched it all after trip] and I felt compassion for this being (and also felt like "damn, this is no how I imagined... this is all so hard! This truth is so difficult and beautiful... difficult and beautiful...)
I felt like we have to manage it maybe for eternity and that it's not easy... That the divine knows that it is eternal and has to do something about it. Dharma is always seek Love, Hope, Faith and it's a way to make things OK and progress towards this beautiful light. That the path is soooo long. Maybe eternal.
As I was feeling compassion to this being I thought "I'm going Buddha all the way": I'M LETTING GO OF EVEN IT. Even of this difficult UTTER BEAUTY... even of Dharma and this Light. Even thou I was scared of magnitude of that decision, I was also in awe of my bravery at this moment, I was hardly believing that I'm handling this extremely powerful moment. All people that I felt telephathic presence were like "I can't believe he's doing it, wow" and then the ecstasy started to go more and more powerful to the level of almost unbearable. I felt like I was experiencing cosmic orgasm and my friends were screaming INVO, DO IT HARDER!!! HARDER!! Like some divine force was actually cheering that I'm doing this, that this is the way... It was like sex. I was pushing mentally like actually making sex and the ecstasy was so strong it's impossible to put in words... And I felt like all humanity and divine forces feels it and we're in this cosmic orgy that I'm somehow leading (I also felt like differnet people lead it at different times, but now it's my turn). I thought that this is crazy. I also heard ecstasy of a friend that I didn't really like during my lifetime and that I considered hedonist. I didn't like it very much. I liked much more the previous state of serene Love. I thought that this is madness that we had to go throught millenias of suffering for this one moment of cosmic orgasm. And I didn't even like this animality in such a holy place, I wouldn't like to spend a lot of time there for sure. It wasn't as beautiful as the state before. Btw. while experiencing this "cosmic orgasm" I was screaming like crazy, screaming ecstatically and using words like "fuck, ohh shit, stronger, stronger" [sorry for my vocabulary, I'm just showing the mood of that moment] generally is was VERY sexual like some real sex just in the sphere of DMT fractals in one great cosmic orgy; fractals copulating.
But then I heard one my friend "telepathically" saying "OK, OK, enought man, it was so !@#$ing intense, stop now". And then something huge has happened. I was shaken as hell, my friend who I was tripping with was shaking my body in "real world"!! I saw a person who looked like human shape of fractals and energy. I could see his surface that were energetic fractals in all shades of blue, teal and purpleish. I could also see the energy constellations within him and beyond him. There were also all-seeing-eyes in those fractals creating his body shape. It was so beautiful I can't put it to words. He told me to calm down man, you're screaming like crazy. I was extremely scared then. I didn't know what the heck is going on. I jumped him in arms saying "my friend, my dear friend, please hug me..." and I told it like 10 times in total confusion. I felt like our energies melted together in total union. I was hodling him so strong with my so weak and scared body and soul. I was so scared I can't express it. I was very confused what is going on. I started looking at "walls". I just saw textures of bright energy, they all had this "all-seeing-eye" everywhere and it was watching me. All was moving and morphing. I felt like in some labyrinth of consciousness. I still felt no ground under me, it was still on the edges of hyperspace. I started to think "what the f@#$ is going on???" What the hell? And then I started to grasp the truth. I reminded myself "damn, there was such a situation where I did smoke something at my friends home.... oh, oh..." I started to realize that it was all a psychedelic trip. I started to remind myself that I'm some human being, that there is some world called Earth, Life, that has days of weeks, that we are doing some things here. I started to remind myself who am I, what am I doing here, what is music etc. My friend played some soothing Icaro and started singing and I was like omg, this is for real, it really happened. I was collecting myself and starting to realize the truth that it was all a trip and I'll have to live with the consequences of it. I completely forgot during trip about this life, I thought I completely transcended it. I Forgot that we were smoking something etc. In a few moments later, I don't even know when, everything went back to "normal".
Then we were just silent... There was no words to express what happened. My friend just told me he had to put me out of this because he was scared I'm bad tripping and most of all that neighbours will hear screams and maybe call the cops so he had to disturb me even thou he knew he's doing wrong thing in the "shamanic perspective" (do not disturb the trip) Then after an hour we started talking but we couldn't make much sense of it back then. We had this feeling that I went too far but there is no going back in time.
I felt very cheated at first. I felt like something I believed was real was just an illusion and it was first time that I felt "cheated by psychedelics". And well, I felt scared as hell, it was so intense in every possible manner. But soon after I started realizing significance of this trip and right now I am very grateful for it (thou there is this feeling of being lost a bit, of having insight thats hard to bear sometimes... no more Matrix "ignorance is bliss". Right now I believe that maybe this trip was "real" for a moment, or maybe it has shown me how things could be... but at least FOR SURE it gave me VERY importaint lessons about Love, Beauty, Letting Go, Forgiveness... It made me a better person in many ways; it took a lot of effort and time thou and it is still an ongoing process.
But it wasn't breat and butter at first. The days after I had very severe flashbacks, I couln't sleep most of the time. I had forced OOBEs, visions. some severe HPPDs (like one time seeing someone face go sinister etc.), but it all pretty much went away within weeks/months, thou I still have some conseqences to this day. But first weeks I hardly got any sleep. Meditation was not helping because it was starting "getting me there" so I was backing away. I was scared of lying in bed because it was soon causing tinnitus and energy buzz and visions and forcing OOBEs. I was very very scared of eternity and I was spending entire days reading about different religions and mystical traditions. I found some comfort in that many mystics were reporting such tremendum as certain moments of their journey, but it is different story when reading about it and actually experiencing it... I tried to intelectually figure out Nirvana as a an eventual way of refuge from "eternity". I was very scared by this trip and I was scared I'm losing my mind. No rest for the wicked I guess.. Also week later I did very strong Aya trip (it was an "accident" - I was put in a responsibility (well, I singed up for it but it was supposed do be very light) of leading musically an Ayahuasca ceremony, but I didn't know it can be that powerful... but it's a story for another trip report)
It was really "getting out of Matrix for a while" trip. Since this day there is no day that I would not think of my DMT experiences. They always put me in this "mysterium tremendum et fanscinans" state of mind. It changed the way I see entire reality. It was the dark night of the soul for me... From this day I started to see "the divine" in almost everything. I started seeing marvel of creation in so many things and situations. I can't believe how awesome it all is. But I also started to be scared of eternity and of how serious all this spiritual stuff is. But I found some refuge in Buddhist tradition of Dhammaloka and right now I'm just going on with my life and meditating. I'm feeling pretty comfortable now in waking state and during dreaming time. It's just that memory of that DMT realm and this golden fractals and their power - they scare me very much with their totality and omnipowerness. This fear I believe is the thing I have to deal with next on my spiritual jounrey.
I made myself a promise that I'll go back there but not through psychedelics but through meditation (I think I won't do psychedelics until I reach dhyana state so I'll be more used to ego death and have more control over my mind). [at least I'll give it a very dedicated try] It's because I believe that such strong experiences really require a well prepared mind. I'm too sensitive to go there the hard way again [I'm considering eventually light schrooms + light DMT with perfect set & setting, not anytime soon thou]. I don't regret that I did this, becuase right now I'm a "believer" and it deepened greatly my psychological and spiritual understanding of myself and the world. It also motivetated me to truly deepen my meditation practice (I started to practice a lot since then, more than ever before and more thoughtourfully and I'm getting results) It also shown me that Love within me, i started to truly believe that I'm a good person. I also started seeing this Love within other people and that Love (Agape) is probably most importaint thing in life and death.. But it clearly changed my life to the point of "no return" and made me sort of scared. I'm practicing buddhism to overcome my fear, it's not easy, but it's worth it and I'm getting better.
I must say that all my psychedelic experiences have very mystical taste. I never meet aliens or some strange hallucinations. It's always very mystical or connected to nature or fractals/eternity/infinity. But usually mostly mystical/philosophical, dealing with theme of eternity , divine and different aspects of Love.
I would really like to hear your opinions. What do you think about this parts of hyperspace, were you there too? Any advice for me how to progress from this point on?
PS: I want to share some more post-trip integration thoughts. As to this messianistic feeling of being "the chosen one" on a trip - of course I don't consider myself such after the trip... even thou I feel having 'some' form of gift or blessing or good karma in life, because a lot of beautiful opportunities come to me in my life, but surely I don't feel like some savior or chosen one or anything!) I also learned from this experience that psychedelics can be deceiving at certain points and dosages. I think that there is this dynamics of solipsism vs ego death on strong psychedelic trips. I think it has to do with one's mindset and meditation expertise and dosage of a psychedelic. I found interesting discussion about the subject here:
http://www.psychonaut.co...hy/29803-solipsism.html
https://www.reddit.com/r..._shrooms_ego_death_and/
Also legendary thread on LSD thumbprint can be very insightful:
https://www.shroomery.or.../Number/1427364/fpart/1
There is no ego, no solipsism trips on ULTRA HIGH dosages of psychedelics. But they can happen on a pretty high dosages.
It seems that with either very good approach/meditation expertise the psychedelic experience can lead to ego dissolution which should be a very liberating experience - no me - no problem
Just blissful awareness that transcends the ordinary sense of self. While on the other hand if some psychedelic opens someone to powerful spiritual experience while not dissolving ego entirely but distort it (like for example not remembering to be human or who am I but still feeling like a "self" and have some memories of one's life), can lead to such dangerous messianistic/solipsistic experiences... their problem is that they can lead to feeling of alienation or great responsibility - too big to be handled by a human being. It's not responsibility of any single human to be any form of a saviour or feel all alone in the universe I believe. I think it's a matter of entire universe working for that.
More enlightenment-like/ego dissolution states would lead to a more liberating insights. There is no me, no-self (anatta) ultimately, but God-transcedning-self-state only (a way to call nirvana imo) so there is no problem (dukkha)... and surely no alienation, rather total connectedness with everything. I had such moments of insight on my first Aya trip and a glimpse of it on my first schroom trip but it surely wasn't ego dissolution level. But if I connect them together with embracing it with my intellect more or less after studying a lot buddhist philosophy I think I understand it.
What I want to emphasise that post-trip, right now I think of this trip simply as a great lesson, not a revelation of Ultimate Reality. It wasn't that level yet I believe, even thou it was deep for sure and it gave me many insights on how to progress spiritually and generally on my path.
I also want to share a "warning" that psychedelic experiences may delude someone into that his ego has been transcended while in fact it might have been infused... so we need to be very careful in the process of integration to notice what was just a Lesson/challange to be overcome, and what was actual glimse at the Truth (as far as we can tell at all). So if someone feels overwhelmed by the insight of a trip - try to treat it as a lesson and don't get into thinking that some nightmare is the Ultimate Truth. It is much more likely in my opinion that one (including me) is not yet at that level of spiritual progress and has much to learn still.
A quote of Meropheus from The Matrix comes to my mind, when Neo want to say to him at the rooftop that Oracle told him that the prophecy is not true. But Morpheus interrupts him with words "She told you exactly what you needed to hear. That's all... Neo, sooner or later you're going to realize there's difference between knowing and a path and walking a path".
I believe that certain psychedelic insights are temporal and to be overcome at some point of spiritual journey until the Ultimate Truth is finally embraced. That's why people shouldn't take bad trip moments in a devastating way in my opinion, but try to always seek the Lesson in them. At least this is my way of conforting myself. Dark night of the soul happened to many mystics. Interesting talk about it:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MUryO_vJT1o
I had to add this because I really don't want my insights to be harmful for anyone, but rather helpful I hope.
Peace!