Hello everyone! I've been here since last summer, digging into the wiki and forum, learning everything that seemed relevant to me about entheogens and psychedelics at large - especially DMT, extractions, plant growing, the open hyperspace traveler, etc... I did good with my extractions, got some cute white cristals, which I
smoalked with my brother and a friend.
I'm gonna make a “short” bio, mostly on stuff that are related to the mind and it's phenomenon, because I feel like it's more relevant in the end than casual details when it comes to defining myself, though it might not necessarily be the “standard” way of introduction. I initially wanted to stick to a short format (like most other essays on the forum) but couldn't help myself, so you better make so coffee
So, I'm 21, living in Europe, the kind of guy that begins questionning things very early, and relentlessly. As a kid I would frequently stumble on a question like “how comes grown-up are so grumpy and evasive ?”/”what was there before there was anything ?”/”If money doesn't grow on trees, and since people keep saying the world has never been so rich, then WHERE does it come from?” and within the next hour come up with a completely self-made/ plausible-at-some-level understanding of the topic. Or confronted with a new phenomenologic/philosophical approach of something, be like “Oh yeah, i'm familiar with this”, and when they ask me “who taught you that?”, to answer “I made it up”. I've never been especially “easy-going” (pretty much the opposite) or any good at being part of a collective. Those must be some of the downsides to having a qualitatively different intellect (won't make a full list, that would be depressing...)
There are unmistakable signs to that, like systematically paying attention to adult conversations -and actually try to understand, notice profound contradictions, get insights on their perception of things- or spountaneously training at mental visualisation (images, sounds, smells, tastes), playing shifting perception of patterns on tiled floor, etc... Besides other superfical/peripheral signs (on a purely subjective point of view) : offers of skipping grades, boredom at school, IQ tests, unability to get along with most other kids but easiness with older ones,etc).
Around 15 I was getting more and more the feeling of a risk for some implicit potential to be wasted if I didn't tried to push it further. Not really knowing what that was, I've kickstarted a process. The idea being to acquire so much more efficiency at thinking that I would figure the hole thing out sooner or later. So I did a lot of research/soul-searching and rapidly found some game changers to work with:
- First there's introspection. Looking inside just revealed a lot of confusion first. I found myself trapped in brain fog, contradictory feelings, closed thinking loops, biases, shortcuts, preconceptions, etc... A new consciousness gradually emerged, that felt like “Wow ! The things I'm going to do with that new software !”. "Know thyself and thou shall know all the mysteries of the gods and of the universe?" became my leitmotiv, sort of.
- Then meditation. It helped me to look at the ego and self with a profusion of different sights, making it an interface to negociate. Because we can't seriously live under it's rule 24/7 and do great experimentation with our consciousness. Btw, I was reading Strassman's book recently, and he wrote about Abhidharma (a branch of Bouddhism), saying one of it's principles was to consider the stream of experiences that make up our day to day consciousness and identity as an aggregate of smaller units (perceptions, thoughts, emotions, etc), and to take that deep good look at it in order to transform our view of life. I thought “well if it isn't an other label for my toolkit. Gotta check it out, see how close to it I already am”.
- Dreaming -be it lucid or not, so much fun- has also a non negociable seat in my top 3. How many times have I woke up, mentally yelling “WTF???” then realising the next second “Oh... just the world, right”. Some of the encounters and experiences have been so outstanding and striking that a part of my individuality somehow melted into them, leading to non psychedelic ontoseismic shock, on the emotional and mental side. There has been small scale grieving processes occasionnaly, because that's what happen when the sense of oneness with other sentient beings beyond any attempt of description is being brutally endend by... well an alarm clock.
In the process, I've discovered properties that lied dormant (or shed the light on already effective ones). Like when I really want something from myself, if I push it long enough (let's say a week of focusing/triggering some alchemical puzzling buildup) something will happen eventually, triggered by a raw inconscious power, that manifests as the sudden feeling of a presence rising from within, when I don't expect it (can come with brief hallucinations -visuals or sounds). It won't work if I don't care, not psychotic
I have to feel really concerned about what I ask, and ask it for good reasons (reasons that have deep meaning). Stuff like that make me curious about what we can achieve when good motivation is applied to the right paradigm.
With time, my interest in using that monkey brain of mine tends to get lured into working for my own comfort, but that is not thrilling. I still find myself fascinated by things that stand far beyond my understanding, like the mystery of consciousness and sentience, unsolved universal questions, death...
Between those two extremes, I nurture my crush on knowledge quest and problem solving (the vast majority is made of psychological issues, and everyday stuff, like nutrition, sport, health, education, alternative ways of living, etc... but also broader issues: world economy, the environment, animal intelligence and AI, the path mankind is going to take in the future...). I like to do it bottom-up way : notice something that I don't understand, see how it goes, look for patterns, negociating what aspect I'll kick first, etc... (as well as top-down, from overview to specific aspects. Most of the time I do both at the same time anyway. That's a dialogue).
Thing is I would need more than just one brain to process everything I want ^^ I've tried to overclock myself but there are severe frustrating physiological limitations to what can be accomplished during a given time span. On the top of it I don't just get to decide for everything. I rather must follow the flow (stream of thoughts, external events, daily life, general 'rules' of existence, lack of money...). It takes great patience, and I regularly go nuts about everything and everyone being so slow/simple-minded/poorly designed (an entire topic of itself).
Every once in a while when I'm out of social fuel -winter is mean to me- I feel myself sucked up again in religious and mystical questionnings that I usually let on hold. Here's one quote that describes pretty well how I've been feeling since a while now :
"When a man embarks on the warriors' path he becomes aware, in a gradual manner, that ordinary life has been left forever behind. The means of the ordinary world are no longer a buffer for him; and he must adopt a new way of life if he is going to survive." C.Castaneda.
Except in my langage's version -french- it's "on the knowledge's path" which is more accurate in my case. A year and a half ago, I remember thinking : "well if there's a supreme god above us all, now he owes me a f*cking very good explanation of what's going on" and I really meant it. I wouldn't stop adressing It with teasing thoughts (I guess you could call them angry preayers if that makes sense) until It came to me with a justification.
As expected something happened. I won't go into the details here as the full experience is available
here. That was a kind of spontaneous NDE (a very short one actually, even though I lost sense of time during the experience), but without having the life threatening event that is supposed to come with it.
After that experience, I reviewed my personal history as a succession of significant and awareness enhencing events (
here is the most accurate description I could find of how I feel about life, the world and everything – ODDLY accurate for the most part – despite it not being 42). A few days later I was ordering MHRB, knowing somehow that I had to try it, because it was super relevant for me, in a way I couldn't fully grasp yet [spoilers alert : that was definitely one of my top 5 insights ever].
Let's jump to the main reason of my presence on the forum :
It's been roughlty 6 years since my very first encounter with a psychedelic substance : Atropa Belladonna. More dangerous than psychotropic actually, but it gave me a powerful insight into the realm of mind altering substances. Never did I see them as primarily recreational since then. I am truly fascinated by how they can kick you out of your regular self to show you vast, splendid and sometimes terrifying realities, then leave you with only a vague footprint of their effect to meditate upon.
I've been smoking weed more or less regularly since highschool, but my preference goes to products that do not diminish memory. More recently I've tried magic mushrooms, but they must have been too weak, since I barely got brief visuals and an euphoric state of mind. I intend to try again when I'll feel like it/when the opportinity shows up. Otherwise, I've tried salvia 3 times and I still find myself unable to make my opinion, but it's a curious plant that's for sure.
Last, but not least is DMT, my favorite by far for several reasons. I've tried Ayahuasca 3 times and always puked. After that I switched to complete extraction to avoid the negative side effects. But aside from nausea and the feverishness that comes wih it, I must admit it is one of the most extraordinary experiences I've ever had. Not only did it gave me intense visuals, a fluid sense of storytelling and a broader view of myself, but I was given the opportunity to take a fresh start. It's like I'm a brand new person when the trip is ending. I can take a new look at the events and people around me, not anymore do I feel tied down by my own view of the world, my emotions are clear and fluid, but yet I feel calm, right where I'm supposed to be and ready to simply live my life as it comes and make the most of it.
It also does great things to my mental focus and shifting abilites, to my appetite (not craving junk food, etc), to my sleep cycles, motivation and overall availability for other people, not to mention the improved ability to make meaning. It makes room in my head for new things to be learned and patterns to emerge. So DMT is anything but a “drug“ to me. I rather like to see it as a tool to trigger a healing and self enhancing process. It allows us to reinvent ourselves for the better. Now I resolutely intend to trip on DMT on a regular basis, find my own balance with the thing...
I've been thinking of growing my own stuff, and the phalaris thread seems very promising, although I'm not sure about how to get rid of poisonous compounds like gramine/hordenine... It gets messy when I try to look into the details, I'll need serious focus if I want to make sure it's 100% safe to consume extracts from this plant (but if it is... *.* And tell me if I'm wrong but, an analysis of the yield from a phalaris extraction is advised, right ?)
However, I don't blind myself to a single psychedelic substance, there are other things I'd like to try like LSD, Iboga, Cactus, for their different properties (mood enhencing, post traumatic healing, addiction, insights, creativity, self awareness...).
My sacred rule being to not take something that has high addictive potency, or toxicity likely to cause permanent injury to my system.
I'm also very curious about microdosing, which might be the only sustainable way to consume psychedelics for their various benefits without blowing up our brains every week. I've been thinking about diluting some spice into the liquid refill of an e-cig. Which would allow handful and precise use of it, if done correctly.
More recently my bro and I have undertook the French translation of the Hyperspace Lexicon. Projects in general are good, they chase boredom and always bring something of their own manufacture. I'm in for probably any project the Nexus would have to submit.
Final wordCongrats to those who made it to the end of the essay
This is truly an awesome community, with so many good people and good talent and knowledge. The open-mindedness, entrepeuneurship (like: go get yourself the infos you need, do your own experimentations, etc...), ingenuity and overall respect for altered states of consciousness/psychological balance are just how I like them to be. I wish I could contribute somehow but I don't see what I could do that's not already being done better than I could. I'll just keep an eye open.
Also, my apologies for the weird/bad english, there must be some common mistakes and odd phrasings in my post. We're terribly teached where I live.
Ad Augusta per Angusta.