I imagine my story starts similar to how most of yours did. I was down and out. I was worthless, no one, and nothing. My life in shambles. The universe had given up on me and I was almost there myself. I couldn’t escape the past and the uncertainty of the future was fear evoking. I had done all the things I was supposed to, albeit not in the right order. I even tried the meds the doctors said would help. Didn’t take long to figure out that they didn’t want to help.

I started smoking weed to cope with life. It opened me up to a lot of different things. Especially new music. Consciousness became a curiosity for me. The idea of the spirit was something I hadn’t considered in a long time. I always claimed to be agnostic, but I stopped looking. The search wasn’t over, I just gave up. Like so many other things in my life I stopped before it was finished, as if that is possible.

A friend I knew at the time is a Traveler. I did not understand at all what that meant at the time. Over the time the old me knew him he was vetting me. One day he said “I think you’re ready” and gave me my first tab of LSD. Everything changed.

I don’t have the best memory ever, but I recall the feeling of pure bliss. The love that filled me the first time. The feeling of energy coursing through me. I had felt my chakra points during meditations with weed, but nothing like this. It felt like the anchor of my soul lifted out of my chest and floated above me. It filled with infinite light. I’m told this feeling was inhibited by the SSRIs I was on at the time. I can’t imagine what it would have been like without them.

The day after I felt like a new person. No more meds for me. My anxiety was gone or to a manageable point. My depression was fading away. In the afterglow, I felt that my mind was clear; I could make sense of the little nuances of life. I tore apart and rebuilt parts of my mind like I never thought possible. Introspection became my main goal of psychedelic use, as I was told it should be.

Over the last year, I’ve explored the mind and altered states enough to know I don’t ever want to go back. This is part of me, I am part of it. While most of my trips were LSD, I tasted mushrooms(small dose-old plant material) and explored DMT. DMT has been from Formosahuasca and a few failed attempts at extracting DMT. (more on this Here) Sadly, I have not achieved a breakthrough with any of these substances. The war with the Ego rages on. That is a major reason the premise of DMT excites me.

I have since been through many trials and tribulations that life has thrown my way. I’ve come a long way in a short time with how I can handle such things. My biggest current issues are the feeling of apathy toward society and the lack of strong emotions I seem to have. My emotions are not where I’d like them to be, but the only time I’ve felt strong emotions in years is under the influence of psychedelics. That does not mean I wish to use them only for this purpose.

My intentions, plain and simple, are to expand my mind through learning about myself and the infinity of infinities in which we reside. I want to heal myself with these medicines in conjunction with my mind. I want to learn more about my place in the universe and the spirit within me.

I’ve been browsing Nexus for almost a year. I did a lot of reading before making my first account, which I scrapped. The research has been incredibly insightful. Thank you all for this community.

I am open to any comments, questions, concerns, etc.

Safe Travels,
AASB

I'm also here pursuing a breakthrough, as I have for the past two years, but not even close. What do you think has gotten in the way of it for you? Dosages? Personal walls?

If both is true then there is nothing wrong with the amount of emotions you have, only with the direction I guess. It takes a lot of emotional investment to lead a war.
I hope some teacher or another will help you find a way to direct your emotions into a more rewarding place.

Welcome!

The war with the Ego. I perceive the Ego as our derivative consciousness. It is our self-perception. An unhealthy Ego leads to depression or narcissism, among the many other "disorders" that man has attempted to understand. (ADD is one example of this) The Ego fights for homeostasis. It doesn't want change and it doesn't want you to perceive beyond this reality.

To remove it makes us one. Similar has happened to me in conscious state on LSD. I became one with the ground, just eyes peering out of it. My body melted away into the warmth surrounding me, but my sense of self stayed. The sensation is quite amazing. I feel that it was a dissolved Ego, but by no means Death or loss.

When I take psychedelics my Ego fights back. Trying to quiet the mind is incredibly difficult. Trying to let go is also difficult. My mind creates loops. It's all very hard to explain, but I could be wrong with all of this. It's just how I see it currently. So personal walls, I guess.

From what I've been told breakthroughs are not reliant on dosage. The closest I feel I've come was on a single tab whereas four tabs was not as close. It does depend on timing. The peak of any psychedelic is the best time to breakthrough.

@werver
I guess this is true, but I don't feel I'm at War when I'm not tripping. See above. I've come a long way since even months ago. Quitting weed has helped a lot. Healing takes time though. Thank you for your input. I know that in time the right thing will happen, one way or another.
Happy to be here!